Dreaming of Abs

So, this may be the strangest goal I’ve ever shared with anyone: I dream of having a six-pack.

Since I was a teenager, I’ve dreamt of having the lines that criss-cross one’s abdomen.  I was an athlete and worked out harder than I ever had in my life and my stomach was flat, but it was never defined.  I wondered how people did that.

I would occasionally follow one of those ab regimens that are prolific in women’s magazines for a day or two and then drop it.  And then I just figured it wasn’t for people like me. I just wasn’t disciplined on my own back then.

Having defined abs is such a strange and petty goal and it never really was a true goal - it was just a dream.  But I like goals. And if you know me, when I start something, I go all in. I get to the point of satisfaction with my mastery and then I move on to something else.  Sometimes that lasts days, weeks or years. (Prepare yourself, I am currently on a path to learning how to make frosting roses. More on that later.)

Last year though, in preparation for our family’s Hawaii trip, I challenged myself with a longer and more intense workout and started focusing on treating food like fuel instead of a comforter and my body actually started to change.  I couldn’t believe that I was actually getting definition in my abs after having three children and at the age of 37. At that time, my goal was to get to our summer vacation feeling confident in my bikini. And I did.

I was so proud of myself for making the commitment and sticking with it.  Because I started in February and stuck with it until June, it was my longest display of food and exercise related discipline.  

Once we hit the islands, though, it all went out the window.  I continued to work out while we were there, but the food discipline went out the window.  And, as some of my virtual trainers say, “abs are made in the kitchen.”

After Hawaii, I loosely got back into a more disciplined diet, but it wasn’t the same.  Then it was a slow decline leading into the holiday season. After my high school reunion I was even less disciplined.

Once you get into that place where you’ve slowly evolved (or de-volved) away from something that is good for you, it’s hard to remember why you did it in the first place.  And it’s hard to find a new start with it. When you have a delightful piece of cake sitting in front of you, it’s hard to remember that it doesn’t give you the same energy as the healthy snack you conveniently forgot to bring with you - especially when it gives you so much joy in the moment you’re eating it.

As you may remember, the new year was a fresh start for our family eating-wise.  Remember how I said that when I start something, I go all in? Well, that’s what I did for our home diet adjustment.  Over the holidays I studied cookbooks, made lists, did shopping and then January was execution month. Because we were learning our new allergy-friendly lifestyle, my personal nutrition planning took the back burner.  I also had to learn how to adjust my nutrition to our new diet (news flash: it wasn’t hard at all). But the new year also meant lots of appointments trying to get everything sorted out for Levi.

I never stopped working out.  That’s a habit that is actually more part of my mental health than my physical appearance.  I need those moments of sweating and heavy breathing to set myself in the right direction for the day.  But the nutrition piece… that was the part that was missing.

Once things were in place for Levi and we were had momentum and some normalcy around our new life, it was time to turn my focus back to myself.   And so, here I am: five weeks into Mission Ab Definition. And it’s working.

Because I had gone to such a loose diet that involved lots of comfort and convenience eating, there were noticeable changes in the first week.  I don’t weigh myself often, because 1) I don’t want to and 2) my goal is around definition, not the scale. So I take weekly pictures to check my progress.  It’s weird. And I love it.

As with anything, you may see big changes to start and then it slows down and becomes more subtle.  Such is the case with my definition. I am progressing slowly now. And it’s disappointing. Like most, I’d rather see something major happen super fast and then move on and be done with it.  

This goal is a reminder that being consistent over a long(er) period of time is what’s really needed to achieve your goals.  Now, if I don’t meet this goal of mine, it’s no big deal. I’m not skipping out on ALL of the fun stuff and I’m not working out like crazy (just 20 mins a day for now).  If we have a celebratory ice cream because Levi did something major (like get on stage to receive an award) then I participate in that or if we have breakfast for dinner, I eat a pancake with everyone. But all of that is a small snippet of the big picture of eating for me now.  I’m not going to go crazy trying to get the six-pack, but I do want to see what I’m capable of at this point in my life given my parameters (I have to work out at home, I can’t work out for more than an hour, I can’t be hungry all the time). If I can be consistent for a year (which is far beyond 80 days!), it will be interesting to see the results!

My Mother's Day Wishlist

If you're looking for some deep throughs about my wishes for the world or my family, this isn't the post for you. I just know what I want and I like to ask for it and you might be curious about what that is and so here it goes...

Every year on Mother’s Day, I refine what my hopes and dreams are for the day.  My husband loves to give the perfect gift, so I try to accommodate that by letting Jeff know ahead of time what I want.  For some of you, that may sound selfish or demanding or un-spontaneous, but I’d rather ask for what I want than hope for it, not get it and then unconsciously punish Jeff for it. Here’s what i’ve learned over the years about what I want:

1. I need time to be around my family without having to respond to every request.  I want to sit and watch the kids play or watch a show with them without having to stop and get water or get a snack or wipe a bottom. Sometimes Jeff does that single-handedly and sometimes we are with a group of people who help distract the kids so that they don’t think they’re constantly hungry or thirsty or bored.
2. Gifts.  I don’t need gifts.  But I do love the things the kids make.  I love that way more than anything that they could buy for me (to be honest, the things they want to buy are more their style than mine). What I DO love is gifts of service on this day: going to Costco without me, getting my car washed for me, making meals (preferably all day) for me/us.  
3. Speaking of food… I LOVE baked goods.  My deepest desire on any celebration day is to have cake, or pancakes, or muffins, or scones.  I sent Jeff a recipe this year for these delightful looking banana maple donuts (minus the walnuts, of course) and these white chocolate scones.  And since I don’t like being in charge of food on Mother’s Day, Jeff is making dinner.  Mostly, I’m leaving dinner up to him. I don’t actually care what it is as long as I don’t have to decide or cook it.  I did give some pointers on food we have that he could use or cook, but that’s it!
4. I want time alone in my house.  I spend SO much time catering to other people’s desires at work at home, with family and with friends that I want time to decide on something that I want, not something that I think someone else might want too. Being alone at home is a moment of exhale for this introvert and while I love my family and I know there will be many moments of silence when our nest is empty, I do really crave moments of silence in the chaos right now.  And then I want to welcome back the chaos a more replenished person.

Mother’s Day used to be a day of drinking for me.  At that time, it served a purpose. It really got me out of the responsibility of doing lots of things for my kids and gave me the time to sit and relax.  However, it also really took away my awareness at the beauty of the day and left me feeling horrible that night and the next day. It no longer serves me and so it’s no longer part of my celebration.  I totally get that it works for others and that is wonderful, but I realized that my real goal in drinking was to get out of some of the responsibilities that I do from day to day, so now I just ask for those things to be done for me.

I’m lucky to have a husband who really cares about making the weekend a joy to me.  He is attentive and curious about what I want. I’m also lucky that the kids are aware of Mother’s Day and they seem to truly want to make it special for me - including secrecy and “special projects.”

How to hate yourself in ten quick Girl Scout Cookies

I struggle with compulsive eating.  I always have. I can’t just have a piece of cake, it could easily turn into a quarter of the cake!  I can’t just have a handful of chips, it’s the whole bag. Not one piece of pizza, but four instead. And that doesn’t even take into account the times that I’m emotional eating.  It’s been a real struggle to figure out how to control myself, because it’s not like I’m compulsively eating cucumbers. It’s just that junky, processed food that is so readily available.  

Over the last few years, I’ve developed much better habits.  I am not starving myself by any means, but I’m not as compulsive.  There’s more awareness over why I’m eating and if I’m really hungry, then I can eat a vegetable - it doesn’t have to be cake.  

The holidays put me back into some bad habits as far as emotional eating and allowing myself access to foods I’d typically not have in the house.  Having our change in diet means that I’m regularly preparing treats for my kids and - as a result - eating them.

So, I decided that it was about time that I got back on track.

After a day of generally avoiding the things I meant to avoid.  I was so proud of myself for not giving in! (There are always opportunities for giving in at work.) But then there was an after school meeting where they feed you.  And they were feeding us pizza and Girl Scout cookies.

The pizza I could resist because I knew that I’d get a headache from the wheat, but the Girl Scout cookies shined like a beacon during that entire meeting.  

Finally, at the end I caved - and when I cave, it’s not in moderation.  It was 10 cookies of delight. And then the headache. And then I heard myself berating myself for being weak.  

“You should have left them alone.”

“Ugh, now you have a headache.”

“You told yourself you wouldn’t do that.”

“You could have stopped with one.”

I would never speak to someone else that way, but I find it perfectly acceptable, normal even, to do that to myself.  Over any small thing. Any error that I make, any mis-step, any flaws in my approach to trying something new results in this personal berating.  It’s only recently that I’ve acknowledged it, but it’s been happening all of my life.

At times, it’s easier to engage a kinder and gentler coach-type self-talk that reassures me that people are not perfect, that I can always start again in that moment.  But it’s generally a hard thing to practice all of the time.

And the thing is, whatever your goal is, being mean to yourself on the way to that goal is not what keeps you in it.  That mean part of you that emerges when it happens, that’s just avoidance (a goal-evading tactic) rearing its deceptive head.  

You’re mean to yourself after failure, then you avoid the you that’s being mean to yourself because no one wants to be around a mean person - even it’s you. And in order to avoid that mean person, you basically have to avoid the goal that you were working toward in the first place.  So, now you have successfully avoided the mean person and also your personal progress. Really, in these situations, being compassionate with yourself and speaking kindly, as you would to a friend, is what pushes you forward.

When you’re kind to yourself, you don’t create an antagonistic relationship with yourself and that gentleness allows you to take part in the natural process of growth - making mistakes and learning from them - and then move forward to keep growing through those mistakes. Instead of hating yourself, you can love that you are taking on something that causes mistakes, which means you are doing something new and outside of your comfort zone which requires both risk and growth! Yay, you!

But it’s SO hard.

So maybe those ten cookies weren’t a mistake after all.  They were just part of the path that I can look back on and say, “Remember when I ate those ten cookies and couldn’t control myself? I’ve come so far since then.”

And it’s not always cookies.  Sometimes the path that you’re on is about exercising everyday - but you miss a day, or a week or a month.  Perhaps you are trying to drink more water each day. Maybe it’s spending less money when you’re bored at home or watching less TV or reading more - and you just fall into old habits for a minute.  No matter how long that minute turns out to be, you can always jump back onto the progress toward your goal. Just because it didn’t work out for that period of time, that doesn’t mean that dream or that goal has to go away.  Failure and moments of having less discipline are normal! Especially when your goal is a long-term one. But don’t think about that long-term part (that can be scary and defeating too), just focus on right now and the thing you need to do right now to get you back on track and refocused.

And maybe try a different approach.  At these meetings, I’ve never moved the cookies to the other side of the table because I always thought I could control myself - maybe it’s time to try moving the cookies.  Or in that moment when I feel the impulse to open the cookies, get up and get water or take a breath or tell my neighbor to not let me open the cookies.

We do what we think is the right way to do something, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only way.  Making that long-term goal happen means that you’ll need to try ways you haven’t tried before - because if those ways you tried had worked in the past, you would already be at that goal.  

So, now it’s a new moment and I’m ready.  It’s time to try new ways and get that positive voice going in my mind.  Girl Scout cookies (or Peeps, or Cadbury Eggs or Easter candy in general), I’m ready to resist you.

How we retrained our picky eaters

Last night we had a dinner that would typically have remained untouched despite whining, crying, cajoling and pleading.  Honestly, it was delicious: two new recipes - one for meatloaf and the other for roasted potatoes. Two-thirds of the kids finished their dinner while one waved off due to illness - but she tried it and that would NEVER have happened in the past.

“So how do you get your kids to eat?”

It has always been a question that comes up in conversation with other moms.  Sometimes they were asking to find out what our kids eat in general, but more recently, it’s about how we get our kids to try new things (eating more vegetables and eating allergen-free foods).  

When we set out on this allergen-free diet, we had two goals.  The primary goal is to help our son to be healthy. We wanted to reduce his body’s inflammation with the hope of helping him to be more successful in overcoming what he calls being “shy,” while also teaching him how to cook safe and tasty foods for his allergies.  Our secondary goal was to find a way to get the kids to eat cleaner and healthier in general - to break the bad habits we had helped them form.

As you know from an earlier post this year, we started by getting the kids on board.  During a particularly chaotic moment with our son, I talked to the girls about the role that food may be playing in the behavior he was displaying.  I told them that I thought that we should do something as a family to help him and what it would mean for us: that we would have to try new things, be open and not complain.  Knowing our son, if the girls were leading the way, he’d follow along with no problem. I also knew that the girls (and Jeff and I) have some adverse reactions to the same foods that Levi is allergic to, so really this change was not just for Levi, but for the benefit of all of us.

I’ve noticed that over time (mostly since having Levi), I am definitely sensitive to wheat and soy.  Consuming either one can make my stomach hurt and bloat. I have always struggled with headaches. I never was quite sure what caused them, but I’m finding that they are generally caused by pollens and are enhanced when I’m eating things that I’m sensitive to.  My reaction can be as bad as a very painful headache, but it also can show up as morning grogginess. We want Levi on his A-game when he goes to school each day, so knowing that he may be waking up feeling a more intense version of what I experience with my sensitivities, it only makes sense that we would try to help him avoid having to feel that way.

So, as a family, we committed to eating differently. We cut out as much processed food as possible, increased our normal daily vegetable consumption and decreased the amount of processed sugar we are eating (by a lot).

So here’s how we made the shift:

1. New rules.  

We started a star chart for every kid.  In the evening, they could earn a star if they: didn’t complain about dinner, tried everything that was offered and two stars if they ate everything.  These stars accumulated to time on the iPad that evening. (This ended up going away, but was a great way to kickstart our change. It gave us a way to pump up eating differently and reinforce the behavior we wanted.   Now, they are motivated by the treat at the end of the meal - usually treats are only offered after dinner.)

2. Treats.

Every weekend, I make two treats to last us through the week.  It could be a pan of brownies and a cake. Or it could be cupcakes and a bundt cake.  It could be donuts and muffins. This week it’s banana bread and a berry “buttermilk” cake. Those treats can only be consumed after each child has eaten all of their dinner.  We keep the portions fairly small so that they can have seconds of any meal if they want. And we cut off eating at a certain time otherwise they love to work the system and eat all night long. In all of the dinners we’ve had since the beginning of the year (that’s about eight weeks) there have been five times that I can recall that  someone flat out refused to eat dinner. They didn’t like it for some reason and decided that the treat wasn’t worth it so they moved on with life. On the majority of nights, though, our kids are trying things they have never eaten before and they are open to actually eating all of the food they have in front of them. This was a HUGE change for us from before.

3. Cut out (or change) snacks

One of the bloggers I follow suggests that in order to change picky eaters, you have to cut out snacks.  The idea is that without snacks, the kids are hungry for the next meal and will be more willing to try something new. She said she gets a lot of questioning about that.  It was a strategy I was considering depending on how difficult this transition became. Truth be told, I can only tolerate their whining for so long. And it’s winter and rainy here, so there’s no fun outside activity to distract them from their bored snacking.  I decided that I’d do my best to avoid snacking and push the veggies first before allowing the fun snacks. That way, if they want a snack, it’s fine, but I get to choose what it is. If they don’t want it, then they can’t say it wasn’t offered and they must not be hungry after all!

4. The “good” snacks are different

Over the years, we have slowly given in to worse and worse snacks for our kids.  The snacks contained more and more sugar and were more and more processed. Some of this was just out of ease for us, and some of it was giving in to whatever parenting guilt we had.  With our new diet, we had the chance to not only re-evaluate the snacks, but eliminate them based on allergy or general un-wholesomeness. The snacks they get that are the “good” snacks are things like air-popped popcorn, popcorn chips, rice cakes, sweet potato chips, and gluten-free pretzels.  But even with these snacks being somewhat healthier, they are also eating far less of them than before. Because they have to pay the price of eating vegetables first, they will sometimes pass on eating the “good” snack indicating that they weren’t as hungry as they initially thought and maybe were just eating out of boredom.

I always cut up our vegetables right after our trip to Costco.  I keep them in a bin in the fridge so that they can easily be pulled out for snacking.  I try to have a variety of vegetables available, so they can choose the vegetable they want to eat and it’s not always the same vegetable that they always fall back on.  This keeps me from giving in and giving them an easy but unhealthy snack - it makes vegetables just as easy.

5. Don’t give in

It’s really easy when things are busy, or you’re tired or the kids don’t like what’s being served to fall back on old habits.  One of the most important parts of all of this is that I don’t give in to them and what they want, I hang on to what I know is right for us right now.  Mom-guilt often has me giving in to too many sweets or snacks or switching out dinner for something they like more. However, I am the boss here and it’s my job to make sure they’re fueling their bodies properly, so I don’t give in.  There are no substitutions. You don’t like dinner, that’s ok. You have enough body fat to live through the night. You don’t like that choice of vegetable, that’s ok, you can skip treat tonight. In all of the meals we have had since January 7, there have only been a few times when a kid decided it wasn’t worth it to eat the dinner - and it was always something that seemed totally fine.  For example, the kids would eat kale pesto, no problem, but one night Ana would not eat a roasted tomato (which was delicious, by the way!). So weird. But when that happens, we don’t give in and offer something different and we don’t stop making that particular meal. If they don’t like it, we try again a few weeks later - and sometimes they end up liking it later on! But really, not giving in is more about teaching them that they can’t wear us down over time.  If they learn that they can whine their way out of eating something once, they’ll try it again and again and I just can’t take the whining.

When reading about eating back when the kids were toddlers and were super picky, I remember reading that you should serve kids the same things you eat and re-offer disliked foods again and again.  Most of the time, that was too much for me. I couldn’t deal with the arguing, I felt bad because I eat a lot of vegetables and I didn’t want them to have to do that (what weird thinking!). But my mind really shifted this time.  For the limitations that Levi has in his diet, he really does need some eating flexibility if he’s going to live a life of good food. Even without allergies, the same thing is true for the girls: they need a broader base of foods they’re willing to eat, or at least be open to trying new foods.  And now, there is no arguing. Either do it or don’t. And I don’t let their whining or my guilt get the better of me. Eat or don’t eat, that’s their problem, not mine.

One night, Ana was particularly disgusted by dinner. I think it was a soup (and it was a good one!). She didn’t want it for whatever reason and I didn’t budge that she could not replace soup with leftover pasta.  She cried and cried and sulked and came back and cried. Ultimately, she was hungry, she said. When she came back to the table for the final time, she basically pleaded that she should be able to eat the cut up vegetables in the fridge (that are reserved for snacking) for dinner instead and that she knew she would not be able to have a treat.  I was willing to give in to that, I mean NEVER in her life had she requested so vehemently that she at least be able to eat raw vegetables so that she would not be hungry. Never. It was a testament to how different our life is now and I still can’t believe it.

2019 started off in the best worst way

Here we are, almost a month into the new year.  

Normally, a new year signifies no major change for me. I’m not a resolution maker; 
if I want to resolve to do something, I do it right then. And then I go for it. This year 
was a little different for our family.

The holidays (starting with Thanksgiving) brought us back to some really 
challenging skin issues for one of our littles.  A resurgence of a virus 
that had us in the hospital early last year and then out of control behavior 
and anxiety plus a bad eczema breakout that resulted in starting 
antibiotics (again).  All of these issues were keeping me (and as a result 
also my family) on edge. It was like a dark river was running just 
beneath the surface of whatever joy and fun we were experiencing in life.

We have always been a little lax on our food allergies here.  There is 
a LONG list of things that we react to and it’s difficult to eat around 
those things: especially when I’m a timid and inexperienced cook.

After seeing how our son’s skin reacted to a bad combination of the 
weather and the food we were indulging in over the holidays, I 
decided it was time to make a change.  We had also read about how 
food can impact anxiety and I know how my own food choices 
(even though I have no diagnosed food allergies) can greatly 
impact my attitude, my feelings and my outward behavior.  And if 
that’s happening for me, what on earth am I putting my kids through!?!

Big Changes

So, I started researching.  Of course. I didn’t realize that there 
were actually cookbooks out there for people like us with many 
food allergies. One in particular- Pure Delicious by Heather Christo - 
is amazing, in fact, it’s one of the best cookbooks I’ve ever used.  
Not only are the recipes simple and easy to make, but almost every 
recipe has a picture, so you can check if what you made looks 
right.  And the pictures are BEAUTIFUL. It was a reminder that 
food that is allergy friendly can actually be easy to make, include 
mostly real and clean ingredients and can be delicious enough 
to share.

As a family, we decided to eat for our son’s allergies.  This 
was HUGE for us. We generally avoided his allergens, and 
would occasionally eat them but not allow him to have that part 
of the meal.  This time, we were going all in.

I know that as the dictator of this house, I expect that I can 
tell our family what we’re doing and that they’ll do it.  With food, 
I am the least effective dictator ever. We were already in a 
pattern of very limited food because of my poor cooking skills 
and our kids’ picky eating.  This new way of eating would get 
at three things then: 1) teach me to be more skilled in the kitchen 
2) avoid the allergens we are aware of 3) teach all of us 
flexibility in eating and trying new things (and get a lot more 
veggies in our diets).

Getting the kids on board

One night, during a major meltdown by one of our kids, I 
asked the other two what they thought about that fit, since 
that situation happens all the time.  They said that they were 
ok with it as long as the kid was safe. I pressed on to ask if 
they thought that we, as a family, or the child, as the 
fit-thrower, was happy to be in that situation.  They agreed that, 
no, it was not good for any of us.

I told them about my idea.  I told them that I’d reward those 
who tried new things and finished their food, but that overall, 
we are doing this to support our family member and to be 
healthier ourselves.  

Clean plate club!

They were open to it!

When Jeff came back into the room with our little fit-thrower, 
one of our kids announced to him that we were going 
to change our diet.  

We decided to take it slow.  First, we made an easy switch 
and traded our whole wheat pasta for gluten-free pasta.  
We also traded out our oat milk and Cheerios for rice milk
 and Rice Krispies due to the oat allergy that we had 
been ignoring. Both of those switches seemed to make a 
big impact.  This change was simple, but gave me the 
time I needed to do some meal planning around the meals 
for the following week.

And then things got worse...

During this time of transition, there was a bit of a detox happening 
for some of us.  It created some crankiness, fogginess and a few 
tantrums...like every day. We also had antibiotics prescribed for 
one child.  Antibiotics that were necessary, but were also disgusting 
and required a large dose. EVERY administration of that giant dose 
was a power struggle that involved delay tactics, crying whining, 
pleading, etc.  It was a hard, hard week.

The anxiety that we were trying to help treat seemed to worsen.  And 
the tantrums were spinning out of control.

I do not cry easily, but I cried twice that week.  In front of other people.

Getting the help we needed

In panic mode by that first Friday, I was emailing the pediatrician, 
psychiatrist, behavior specialist, friends, and anyone who might be 
able to help me.

Luckily, we were able to get some emergency help from a friend 
and our behavior specialist.  By Saturday evening, we had a plan. 
It involved priming our kids with what needed to happen and 
then reinforcing the behaviors we wanted to see through a 
variety of reinforcers valuable to each kid.  

And then, just like magic, the following week was a dream.  For 
the first time ever, I was early getting to work every single day.  There 
was only crying on one day and even then, I was still early and the 
crying was not nearly as bad as it had been on any day before that. On 
the one day of crying, we followed through with not giving the valuable 
reinforcer and the child learned their lesson.  The next day, things were 
a dream again!!!!

Through that tough week, I could not imagine that easy mornings or 
evenings were possible, until suddenly, they were.  

For the first time EVER in our family:

1. We had happy and helpful kids in the morning.  Each one doing 
   their part to help get us ready for the day.
2. We were all out the door on time to their destinations.
3. There was no complaining about dinner (even if it was new) 
   and all eating ALL of their dinner 95% of the time without any drama!
4. We had kids eating more vegetables and a variety of vegetables 
   - probably more than they had ever had in one week.  They ate 
   an entire package of Costco bell peppers AND cucumbers!!!
5. There was hardly any yelling!!!!
6. Jeff and I were in bed by 9pm (and sometimes earlier) - meaning 
   the kids were in bed  before then!
7. Every night, I started in my own bed (instead of one of the kids’ beds) 
   and I stayed in my own bed all night!

Suddenly, all of these things just clicked right  in. The impossible 
became possible in a super short period of time.  My life went from 
feeling like a nightmare to becoming one of the best weeks OF OUR 
LIVES.  I cannot believe the happiness and lightness I feel now that 
we have a way to manage the anxiety behaviors that were taking over our home
 like a dark monster.  For once, I feel that I have the time and space to 
breathe and be kind and be present to listen to my family and enjoy each 
others’ company.

The thing that I find so crazy is that we were suffering for a long time 
and not even realizing it.  Here, I thought we were just doing what 
families do and getting by as best we could. What I didn’t realize was 
that we needed help and that it was out there.  We hit a point of total 
breakdown only to find that it was actually a turning point to becoming 
the best that we have ever been: individually an as a family.

Whatever it is that you are silently suffering through, there may not 
be a need for that suffering.  Reach out and see what resources are 
available to you - it could make for the best worst time of your life.