(Still) Putting the work into our marriage

A few years ago, I wrote a  blog post about the work that goes into marriage.  That idea of putting work into marriage is on my mind often.  I remember as an unmarried person (over a decade ago!) wondering what it meant to put work into your marriage/relationship.  I didn’t understand it. I mean, you like the person and you just show up and exist together. How hard could that be?

The thing is, it can be very hard.  Living in the same space together, making parenting decisions together, consistently carrying out all of the decisions you’ve made and keeping things afloat (bills, schedules, meals, appointments) and growing as individuals can create both busy-ness and tension.  

Life in a family with (in our case) three children is hectic.  There is hardly any time to have conversation let alone to have the conversations that matter to your relationship.  

And it’s all tiring!  So you escape to social media, television, or reading to give yourself a little break.  It is SO easy to slowly drift away from each other even when you sleep right next to each other every night.

No marriage is ever as perfect as it seems from the outside, but I suspect that the people in successful marriages are constantly putting in the work. The more time I spend learning about it, the more I think that this is part of what that work might look like.

1. They know each other's’ love languages and they speak them regularly and fluently.  

If you haven’t heard about the five love languages, you should check out this book or listen to this podcast.  Author and marriage counselor Gary Chapman took years of research as a marriage counselor and years of hearing people say, “She/He just doesn’t love me” to write a book about the ways that people like to feel loved.  He narrows it down to five love languages: physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and gifts. Often people show love in their love language, but if that love language is not shared by their partner (which it probably is not) then the partner does not perceive the love intended by the act that was given.  In other words, you may be doing something to express your love for your spouse and they may not feel the love that you are intending.

2. They have a mindfulness practice.

Knowing the benefits of mindfulness, I have struggled to maintain a consistent mindfulness practice.  Now that I have been very disciplined in doing my yoga and mindfulness practice at home every day for almost a year, I see the major difference it has made for me.  It allows me to step back and decide how I want to behave rather than go with the first knee-jerk reaction I have. And even when I fall into the rut of behaving in a way that I don’t want to (reacting with impatience, anger, etc.), I recognize it faster and can change my behavior or at least apologize more quickly.  These practices have GREATLY impacted my ability to give myself feedback on my listening, patience, hard-headedness, and happiness - especially when it comes to Jeff. The awareness created in this practice has helped me to listen, be present and be a better partner/mother/teacher/friend. The biggest change in this last year that helped me to be consistent in mindfulness: I had someone to talk to about it who already had a successful practice going.  I could ask if I was doing it “right” or I got feedback that they could see a difference and they constantly made suggestions about my next steps. So if you decide to start a mindfulness practice (there are lots of great apps out there) or if you are already doing something even if it doesn’t feel like it’s going right, it probably is - just don’t quit - and find someone you can talk to about it. (I’m here!)

3. They listen.

This is probably one of the most challenging parts of being together for a long time.  Things get chaotic. We are distracted. The chores need doing. That TV show needs watching.  We forget to stop and understand what the other is saying. Or when we do listen, we listen to respond, not to hear them and why they are sharing whatever they’re sharing. Just listen to understand. Be open to what they are sharing about themselves with you.  But mostly, put down your phone, pause your podcast, stop the episode and just hear what they are saying while looking at their face.

4. They grow personally.

It can feel selfish to focus on yourself, especially among the chaos of kids and life.  The thing is we bring our best when we are our best. But our best changes. What was our best six months ago (or even yesterday) may not be our best today. You may be ready to grow into the person you are still becoming.   And, more importantly, THIS IS YOUR LIFE. Why not live to be the biggest and best version of yourself that can be? Primarily, I push myself to make and meet goals for myself, however, my marriage benefits as a result.  My personal growth path has helped me to be more compassionate, remove my own negativity from our interactions, see things differently and be more loving.

Personal growth looks different for everyone, but for me, it’s reading inspiring books (The Five Love Languages, The Four Agreements, The Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work, Girl, Wash your Face).  But it could be listening to inspiring podcasts, attending a conference, going to therapy, learning something new (yoga, playing checkers, a language).  Growing yourself doesn’t mean you need to drag your spouse along. They may want to join you in growth (or they may not), but whatever benefits you get out of that growth will overflow onto your marriage and make it stronger. In this case, like most, it’s about you and focusing on yourself which will ultimately help your relationship.

5. Be a treasure.

This is possibly the weirdest and best thing I ever tried.  I can’t even believe that I use the words “be a treasure.” It sounds so corny, but, honestly, this was a life-changing revelation for me.  Keep in mind, I am often not a treasure, so this was tough and requires constant awareness (I’m growing!). After having a conversation with a friend about their observations of another person’s marriage, we were discussing how partners often punish each other for their past wrongs.  They bring those past wrongs into their present interactions. Here’s an example: let’s say that Jeff forgot to change the knobs on the kids’ play kitchen like I had asked. And that was yesterday. Today, I see those old broken knobs and I’m pissed because he didn’t do what he said he’d do.  Today, I might punish him by angrily confronting him about it, making a passive aggressive comment or I might speak to him in a rude tone when he asks me a question about our plans today. (Let’s be real, I’m likely to do all three.)

So after having this conversation with my friend, I asked myself, what if I just decided that I wanted to be a treasure? What if I wanted to be someone that Jeff might enjoy being around?  

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean being fake.  I will still be honest with Jeff about how I’m feeling or what frustrates me, but I do my best to stop and stay it in the kindest way that I can manage.  Like maybe the way I’d speak to a colleague at work that I was having conflict with.

What I have found when I do this is that 1) he hears me 2) to be kind, I have to recognize that he’s just a person doing his best too, so my mindset around who he is changes 3) I see how ridiculous some of my complaints are in the grand scheme of things.

The best thing about it: he responds.  If you know Jeff, he loves to be happy and optimistic.  Every day, I was making him have to work hard to maintain his happy and optimistic attitude.  But as I’ve recognized my role in our dysfunctions, I’ve done my best and he has responded. His mood is lighter. We are taking more opportunities to connect rather than push away.  

Don’t get me wrong on any of this.  Your partner also has a role in making a marriage work, but I know that I am only responsible for me and my part in this relationship. Every step along the way, I have been transparent with Jeff about my intentions.  His awareness helps him to be supportive and open to responding in a positive way. Even if he didn’t respond positively, I must live a life that I am happy with and I’ve chosen to go all in with my part in this relationship because I want to live big and I don’t want to leave anything on the table when it comes to my well-being and the well-being of my marriage and family.

Don't believe your tricky, tricky mind

I think about my mind a lot these days.  

In my morning meditation, it loves to be active and think.  It has ALL kinds of things to think about. As I’m trying to keep my mind clear, it wonders if I remembered to set Ana’s alarm (I did) or if they make bundt containers to store your bundt cake (they do) or if there’s enough bacon for breakfast-for-dinner tonight (there is). All of these urgent thoughts come into my mind that really, really do feel urgent.  And as soon as meditation is done… those thoughts are gone.

Why am I heading toward the kids’ room?

What was it that I wanted to check Amazon for?

What was in the freezer that I wanted to check?

And then I realize I’ve been fooled by my mind.  That tricky, tricky mind.

I think that many times we rely on our logic and our thinking to be our friend.  We count on it to help us understand our world or to know the right thing to do or to get work done. But our minds are a bit unreliable.  

They are like little puppies at the end of a leash: so full of energy, tugging this way and that.  It scrambles to the next conclusion (that may be built on faulty perceptions) and it runs about uncontrolled yanking us all over the place dragging us along with it.  

Not only does it trick us into spending our energy on trivial things, it can also trick us into dark, dark places.  It can play over and over messages that we let ourselves have that don’t really belong to us. Things like: you’re not good enough, you don’t deserve this, that person hates you.  You get the picture.

It can also make us relive a scene in our lives that our perception has distorted to make us look like a bad person.  You know, that highlight reel of all of your past mistakes and wrongs that goes on and on long after you should have fallen asleep?  That’s your tricky mind.

But we believe our minds because it’s our mind! We need it to think and reason and make decisions.

But what we really need is to control that puppy.  Remind it that the time for thinking of bundt-shaped containers is later, that those negative messages are not for me and instead, we are going to listen to positive messages.  Your mind always thinks it knows best - like that untamed puppy - but YOU actually know what’s best. A walk is meant to be a walk, not a pull, so it’s time for you to teach that puppy how to slow it down and walk. Sniffing and wandering is fine, but that’s not the purpose at this moment, the purpose is to have a calm and relaxed walk.  

For your mind, all that wandering is something to do and it’s fun, but it’s not meant to do that ALL the time. It’s meant to spend time BEING and it’s meant to be aware. It’s meant to appreciate the beauty around you in every moment of your day.  

In our busy lives, it’s easy to forget that there is magic and beauty everywhere, but it’s there.  Even in that screaming toddler, there is beauty in that. How beautiful is it that his or her forming mind is so strong that it believes that having ice cream at 10pm is a battle that must be won?  Although it can be frustrating in the moment, the silliness of it all is quite beautiful.

The beauty of a leaf always mystifies me.  But a leaf is a piece of life that is made to absorb sunlight and turn it into food for it’s plant.  And leaves are so beautifully symmetrical; they’re unique and built for the job that they do.

There’s definitely beauty in the way that the sun looks on any given sunrise or sunset.  We are often so lost in our tasks and our thinking that we don’t even pause to look and appreciate the play of the light on the sky, but it was there just being beautiful on it’s own.

We have to train our mind to see these beautiful things. We need to see them when we’re angry or sad, or see them when we are bored.  We need to see them when our mind is caught up taking us on a wild goose chase about our own worth.

You get to do that.  YOU are in charge of your mind.  When your mind wanders off from your task, you get to gently remind it what it should be doing.  (But be gentle, there’s no need to be mean to part of yourself, even if it is being tricky.) And when those thoughts come to mind, which are likely irrational and totally untrue, you get to tell your mind to stop and try something different.  You can replace it with fact: I am good enough. I was made perfect just the way I am. I am uniquely me. I am loveable (imperfect, but worthy of love).

Our minds are wonderful - and also tricky.  We can’t allow ourselves to constantly fall prey to its tricks.  Especially, when those tricks deceive us into avoiding things that are good for us: things like eating healthy food, taking the time to not think, loving ourselves as we are.  When it starts taking us down the dark and self-defeating path of self-hate, we have to train ourselves to get our minds of that path. It’s not a path meant for us. The path that’s meant for us is one of gratitude and self-love. We’re meant for a big and beautiful life and you get to help your mind take you there.  

The year that almost broke our marriage

Last year was a trying year for us.  And I learned so much.

So many things happened.  Both Jeff and I brought our own Big Underlying Problem to our marriage.  Neither one of us saw our Big Underlying Problem as an issue - until the pressure was put on.  

In 2018, my father-in-law passed away, my son was hospitalized for a week due to an eczema-related issue, we realized that one of our kids had severe anxiety, another child was encountering “friend” problems regularly, we were in couples counseling and we had regular life ups and downs as well.

2018 was the year that almost ended our marriage.  The thing is, it wasn’t any of the events that was listed above that almost broke it.  It was or Big Underlying Problems, which were ever-present, that almost got us.

My Big Underlying Problem was that I was always angry.  Life was supposed to be a certain way, and when it wasn’t I was mad.  It showed in my body language, it showed in my words and how I said them and it showed in my actions.

Jeff’s Big Underlying Problem brought us to a big decision point and my Big Underlying Problem was really mad about the possibilities.

The only reason we are still married is that we both made the decision to stay married and each do something about our Big Underlying Problem.  We had come that close - one decision - away from divorce.

Each of our Big Underlying Problems required different approaches and different timelines for change.  Jeff’s was more immediate and mine took time.

The most influential habit change that changed my anger: yoga.  

Right after our close call, I happened to be attending a training over a weekend and started this yoga practice every day.  I did it twice a day for forty days and then once a day thereafter.  Since then (almost a year ago), I’ve only skipped yoga a handful of times - not because I like it, but because I NEED it.  When I don’t do the yoga, I feel a bit blinded by my emotions. They are too close to me. When they are so close, I cannot make good decisions and it is hard to be kind.  

Later in the year, I would also attend this training to add meditation to my yoga practice and it really turned the volume up on my awareness. At the time of each training, I was skeptical that it would make a difference, but they certainly have.

I also had a life-changing conversation with a friend.  We were talking about a recent break from work and watching how another couple operated.  We talked about how spouses often continue to punish each other for past wrongs by bringing those past wrongs into the present.  It might look like the silent treatment or it could be a tone. It could be less patience or passive aggressive behavior. I knew that I was bringing past wrongs into so many moments FOR YEARS.  I wondered what it would be like to stop that. Just recognize where I was at with Jeff in that moment and stop punishing him for things that were already over.

And things changed.

I was able to sit and just listen.  I was able to speak kindly even when everything else around us was chaotic.  I was able to calmly tell him why I was upset (if I was upset with him over something) or explain why it was hard for me to be kind (if something other than him was weighing me down).  

This was such great practice.  I started doing it with my kids too.  No more punishing them for keeping us up late the night before or being selfish in the morning.  I could be happier around everyone because of the conscious decision to stop punishing them for past wrongs.  

The morning of our 10th anniversary!

The yoga gave me the distance to see these things and be aware of what I was doing - especially if I fell back into the punishing trap.

Just because I wasn’t punishing, it didn’t always mean that I was a treasure, though.  So I made that change too. Not only did I want to stop punishing Jeff, but I wanted to be a joy for him to be around - regardless of whether or not he was a joy to be around at that time.  

I know that seems ridiculous, but I was also realizing that my life is up to me.  I’m in charge of my own happiness - not anyone else’s. So if I’m in charge of my happiness (and my happiness alone), then I want to be happy! I want to love my life! How other people feel about their lives is not my business.  My business is my life!

So I decided to be a joy.  And I wanted to be a joy to as many people as I could - but mostly my family, because that’s where it was the hardest.  

And things changed.  Everyone was more loving and happy. I was able to see the beautiful things in my life and appreciate them.  My relationship with my kids started to change. I was able to be friendlier (when before it seemed impossible).

Now don’t get me wrong.  My message here is not that a woman should always change to be pleasing to her husband or family.  What I'm saying is think about how you are right now, to anyone.  Is it the way you want to BE with them? And if it’s not, figure out how to change that.  

When I changed myself, it changed us.

I am lucky that my husband does want to be married.  Miraculously, he wants to be married to me. I discovered that I too want to be married.  And I want to be married to him. And in that discovery, the need for punishing and for constant anger receded. And I wanted to change how I responded to him on a daily basis. The days are not always perfect, but more often that not, I find myself responding instead of reacting.  Of being right (just BEING) rather than insisting that I’m correct. And of loving rather than dismissing.

P.S. In case you were wondering, I ALWAYS get permission from Jeff before publishing anything that I’ve written that includes him. This post is published with his approval and support.