Truth: In 2019, the obstacle was the path

That’s it. 2019 is over.  I remember last year at this time, I scrolled through social media and saw all of the updates and memes about how horrible 2018 was and how “over it” people were.  I totally identified with that feeling. It had been a surprisingly rough year with lots of unexpected challenges. I was ready to put it behind me and move on to something different.  

Right around that time, we were deciding as a family to start intervening in more preventative ways in Levi’s health.  His anxiety at school was keeping him from participating like the other kids. And at home, he was becoming unbearable. Not only was it difficult to enjoy his company, but he also was refusing basic required interventions for his health (doing his daily lotion regimen or taking medicine, for example). 

Our first step was to finally respect all of Levi’s food allergies as a family. I spent New Year’s Eve last year reading a couple of cook books to better understand how to substitute and where allergens may be hiding in our food.  This change would require scratch cooking and baking with little room for short cuts. Both things had seemed daunting. So daunting that I actually feared making anything from scratch. So, I did what I always do, I did my research, prepared my supplies and then went for it.  

In addition to changing what I cooked, we needed a system to encourage the kids to eat new foods.  We were going from highly processed foods (mac n cheese, chicken nuggets) to more and new vegetables and more and new preparations of meat. Things looked different and for our kids, that was not easy.  The result, though, was that Ana - our pickiest eater - has gone from not wanting to try anything new ever to requesting that this morning’s breakfast be pumpkin donuts. She would never eat anything pumpkin before - even if it was a cake.  After sneaking it to her in a donut recently, she finally is open to trying things even though she initially doesn’t like them. We did the same thing sneaking zucchini and spinach into our Grinch pancakes.  

So, this morning, I’m living out the fruits of this year with our iet: I’m throwing together pumpkin donuts with ingredients we have on hand (because we have these things on hand now) and I even threw together a cinnamon vanilla glaze for our donuts because now I know how to freestyle with icings and glazes.  That’s what 2019 brought to this house! 

What was once the obstacle (really cooking from scratch) now became our tools for success.  The change in our diet changed Levi into a different person within weeks. He went from being wild and argumentative to loving and conscientious. What we thought were small harmless choices had accumulated to some huge issues. 

The interventions didn’t stop with food, though.  

We engaged every specialist we could to help with the behavior issues we saw in Levi (but also in the girls).  He saw a counselor at school, after school, speech therapist, occupational therapist, behavior therapist. If we could get it, we did. 

We learned about anxiety, something I admittedly knew very little about despite having so many students who struggle with it. My fear showed up again because anxiety can look so different for so many people and the “solutions” can be so ambiguous.  What we needed, though, was not to have solutions to the anxiety as much as we needed solutions to the behavior that came from the anxiety (not wanting to put on lotion or take necessary medication - two essential things in Levi’s life). We enlisted a behavior specialist who changed our lives.  She showed us how we were reinforcing some of the negative behaviors we were seeing, which also increased the anxiety and that created a vicious cycle that we could break. She also showed us how to reinforce the positive behaviors to increase the chances of them becoming normal in our lives. She was encouraging and positive and gave us practical solutions that changed our lives immediately.  

In addition to seeking outside help, I started some of the academic intervention at home.  We used what we knew from the behavior specialist to get Levi to engage in the academic activities that he was avoiding at school.  I was so hesitant to give up “my” time to engage with him over academics, but really, it was what was needed. I didn’t want one more thing to do, but it has turned into a real positive as I see him overcome his anxiety each time that we sit down with a pencil in hand.  I’ve seen how proud he is when he does well and reaches a new level and how hard he’s working to try to get it right. Although we encounter many conflicts and engage in argument getting started, this time together has been a real opportunity for me to see Levi and appreciate who he is. 

The obstacle of being busy with all of these doctor’s appointments and schoolwork at home was anxiety inducing for me.  Facing it head on, though, was one of the main reasons we were able to leave 2019 feeling triumphant as we see the successes happening little by little.  

And that’s really it: all of these things we tried, they created a brick road of success.  With each success, we were able to add a brick and pave our way forward. Each time we moved forward, we were adding onto that success.  And the success and all of those bricks together made momentum. In many ways, it created confidence for me. It didn’t mean that I never failed, I failed so many times, but it did mean that when I failed, I was willing to try again (eventually) and it meant that when I succeeded, I was willing to try the next harder thing.  And those next harder things weren’t always related to Levi’s health. They were related to work, relationships, living the life I want to live. And it all started with facing this huge obstacle that I had been avoiding for so long. 

My Mother's Day Wishlist

If you're looking for some deep throughs about my wishes for the world or my family, this isn't the post for you. I just know what I want and I like to ask for it and you might be curious about what that is and so here it goes...

Every year on Mother’s Day, I refine what my hopes and dreams are for the day.  My husband loves to give the perfect gift, so I try to accommodate that by letting Jeff know ahead of time what I want.  For some of you, that may sound selfish or demanding or un-spontaneous, but I’d rather ask for what I want than hope for it, not get it and then unconsciously punish Jeff for it. Here’s what i’ve learned over the years about what I want:

1. I need time to be around my family without having to respond to every request.  I want to sit and watch the kids play or watch a show with them without having to stop and get water or get a snack or wipe a bottom. Sometimes Jeff does that single-handedly and sometimes we are with a group of people who help distract the kids so that they don’t think they’re constantly hungry or thirsty or bored.
2. Gifts.  I don’t need gifts.  But I do love the things the kids make.  I love that way more than anything that they could buy for me (to be honest, the things they want to buy are more their style than mine). What I DO love is gifts of service on this day: going to Costco without me, getting my car washed for me, making meals (preferably all day) for me/us.  
3. Speaking of food… I LOVE baked goods.  My deepest desire on any celebration day is to have cake, or pancakes, or muffins, or scones.  I sent Jeff a recipe this year for these delightful looking banana maple donuts (minus the walnuts, of course) and these white chocolate scones.  And since I don’t like being in charge of food on Mother’s Day, Jeff is making dinner.  Mostly, I’m leaving dinner up to him. I don’t actually care what it is as long as I don’t have to decide or cook it.  I did give some pointers on food we have that he could use or cook, but that’s it!
4. I want time alone in my house.  I spend SO much time catering to other people’s desires at work at home, with family and with friends that I want time to decide on something that I want, not something that I think someone else might want too. Being alone at home is a moment of exhale for this introvert and while I love my family and I know there will be many moments of silence when our nest is empty, I do really crave moments of silence in the chaos right now.  And then I want to welcome back the chaos a more replenished person.

Mother’s Day used to be a day of drinking for me.  At that time, it served a purpose. It really got me out of the responsibility of doing lots of things for my kids and gave me the time to sit and relax.  However, it also really took away my awareness at the beauty of the day and left me feeling horrible that night and the next day. It no longer serves me and so it’s no longer part of my celebration.  I totally get that it works for others and that is wonderful, but I realized that my real goal in drinking was to get out of some of the responsibilities that I do from day to day, so now I just ask for those things to be done for me.

I’m lucky to have a husband who really cares about making the weekend a joy to me.  He is attentive and curious about what I want. I’m also lucky that the kids are aware of Mother’s Day and they seem to truly want to make it special for me - including secrecy and “special projects.”

When you get a diagnosis...

In all of the time that we have been working with various professionals, I hadn’t thought much about a diagnosis for our son.  I just knew that we were using our available resources to help him. When the school’s support team met last month to talk through next steps, they asked if he had an official diagnosis.  While I knew what diagnosis meant, I wasn’t really sure what that would look like. I wasn’t even sure that any of the doctors had specifically named something as an “official” diagnosis.

And then the other day, I finally remembered to circle back to the doctor to see about an official diagnosis.  And she had two: one that I suspected and a second one that we had discussed before in passing, but never as an official diagnosis.  And then there I was, sitting with this diagnosis and I was a little shocked.

I guess I was shocked at the official diagnosis of it.  I knew he definitely had the symptoms, but I didn’t know at what point the diagnosis would come - and I guess I figured it would be down the road more.  

The benefit of being a teacher (well, one of them anyway) is that I’ve seen how this diagnosis can play out in the teenage years.  And I know that it can go away if we can teach him how to manage his anxiety. And as far as diagnoses go, this one is pretty minor.  And yet, it gave me pause.

I was discussing it with a friend and she asked if I had told him about the diagnosis.  We haven’t. And then she asked if we were doing anything differently. We aren’t.

And when she asked those two questions, I had to explain to her, we aren’t doing anything differently, it’s just that psychologically my perspective is different.  THAT is the part that’s interesting. Nothing is different except the words that we use around the same thing that we’ve seen all year. And, last week, the week that we got the diagnosis, he spoke to his teacher at least once each day for the longest speaking streak he’s ever had! What has changed is how I see him.  Rather than being a person fully capable of stepping up and doing the things we ask, the diagnoses makes me hesitate. And that’s not right. It has me asking his future church school teacher if he will still be able to attend church school given his situation - but with no diagnosis, I would have assumed that he belonged there and just explained that he’s a little different than some kids, but does things mostly the same.

The real upside to having a diagnosis is that we have a justification for advocating for our son, but the things we’re advocating for are not meant to cater to maintaining this diagnosis and instead to help him grow out of it.  My hope is that having this diagnosis will bring awareness to his future teacher and maybe create a little more patience and compassion, but not fewer opportunities to participate. And that’s what I need to remember: now that we have this little piece of paper, our expectations of him do not change at all, but we may need to have a little more patience and compassion around his timetable to sort things out.

So for now, we’ll just keep doing what we’re doing and challenging him to push himself to do what he can.  In the meantime, I’ll be checking my mind’s desire to pave the way for him.

How we retrained our picky eaters

Last night we had a dinner that would typically have remained untouched despite whining, crying, cajoling and pleading.  Honestly, it was delicious: two new recipes - one for meatloaf and the other for roasted potatoes. Two-thirds of the kids finished their dinner while one waved off due to illness - but she tried it and that would NEVER have happened in the past.

“So how do you get your kids to eat?”

It has always been a question that comes up in conversation with other moms.  Sometimes they were asking to find out what our kids eat in general, but more recently, it’s about how we get our kids to try new things (eating more vegetables and eating allergen-free foods).  

When we set out on this allergen-free diet, we had two goals.  The primary goal is to help our son to be healthy. We wanted to reduce his body’s inflammation with the hope of helping him to be more successful in overcoming what he calls being “shy,” while also teaching him how to cook safe and tasty foods for his allergies.  Our secondary goal was to find a way to get the kids to eat cleaner and healthier in general - to break the bad habits we had helped them form.

As you know from an earlier post this year, we started by getting the kids on board.  During a particularly chaotic moment with our son, I talked to the girls about the role that food may be playing in the behavior he was displaying.  I told them that I thought that we should do something as a family to help him and what it would mean for us: that we would have to try new things, be open and not complain.  Knowing our son, if the girls were leading the way, he’d follow along with no problem. I also knew that the girls (and Jeff and I) have some adverse reactions to the same foods that Levi is allergic to, so really this change was not just for Levi, but for the benefit of all of us.

I’ve noticed that over time (mostly since having Levi), I am definitely sensitive to wheat and soy.  Consuming either one can make my stomach hurt and bloat. I have always struggled with headaches. I never was quite sure what caused them, but I’m finding that they are generally caused by pollens and are enhanced when I’m eating things that I’m sensitive to.  My reaction can be as bad as a very painful headache, but it also can show up as morning grogginess. We want Levi on his A-game when he goes to school each day, so knowing that he may be waking up feeling a more intense version of what I experience with my sensitivities, it only makes sense that we would try to help him avoid having to feel that way.

So, as a family, we committed to eating differently. We cut out as much processed food as possible, increased our normal daily vegetable consumption and decreased the amount of processed sugar we are eating (by a lot).

So here’s how we made the shift:

1. New rules.  

We started a star chart for every kid.  In the evening, they could earn a star if they: didn’t complain about dinner, tried everything that was offered and two stars if they ate everything.  These stars accumulated to time on the iPad that evening. (This ended up going away, but was a great way to kickstart our change. It gave us a way to pump up eating differently and reinforce the behavior we wanted.   Now, they are motivated by the treat at the end of the meal - usually treats are only offered after dinner.)

2. Treats.

Every weekend, I make two treats to last us through the week.  It could be a pan of brownies and a cake. Or it could be cupcakes and a bundt cake.  It could be donuts and muffins. This week it’s banana bread and a berry “buttermilk” cake. Those treats can only be consumed after each child has eaten all of their dinner.  We keep the portions fairly small so that they can have seconds of any meal if they want. And we cut off eating at a certain time otherwise they love to work the system and eat all night long. In all of the dinners we’ve had since the beginning of the year (that’s about eight weeks) there have been five times that I can recall that  someone flat out refused to eat dinner. They didn’t like it for some reason and decided that the treat wasn’t worth it so they moved on with life. On the majority of nights, though, our kids are trying things they have never eaten before and they are open to actually eating all of the food they have in front of them. This was a HUGE change for us from before.

3. Cut out (or change) snacks

One of the bloggers I follow suggests that in order to change picky eaters, you have to cut out snacks.  The idea is that without snacks, the kids are hungry for the next meal and will be more willing to try something new. She said she gets a lot of questioning about that.  It was a strategy I was considering depending on how difficult this transition became. Truth be told, I can only tolerate their whining for so long. And it’s winter and rainy here, so there’s no fun outside activity to distract them from their bored snacking.  I decided that I’d do my best to avoid snacking and push the veggies first before allowing the fun snacks. That way, if they want a snack, it’s fine, but I get to choose what it is. If they don’t want it, then they can’t say it wasn’t offered and they must not be hungry after all!

4. The “good” snacks are different

Over the years, we have slowly given in to worse and worse snacks for our kids.  The snacks contained more and more sugar and were more and more processed. Some of this was just out of ease for us, and some of it was giving in to whatever parenting guilt we had.  With our new diet, we had the chance to not only re-evaluate the snacks, but eliminate them based on allergy or general un-wholesomeness. The snacks they get that are the “good” snacks are things like air-popped popcorn, popcorn chips, rice cakes, sweet potato chips, and gluten-free pretzels.  But even with these snacks being somewhat healthier, they are also eating far less of them than before. Because they have to pay the price of eating vegetables first, they will sometimes pass on eating the “good” snack indicating that they weren’t as hungry as they initially thought and maybe were just eating out of boredom.

I always cut up our vegetables right after our trip to Costco.  I keep them in a bin in the fridge so that they can easily be pulled out for snacking.  I try to have a variety of vegetables available, so they can choose the vegetable they want to eat and it’s not always the same vegetable that they always fall back on.  This keeps me from giving in and giving them an easy but unhealthy snack - it makes vegetables just as easy.

5. Don’t give in

It’s really easy when things are busy, or you’re tired or the kids don’t like what’s being served to fall back on old habits.  One of the most important parts of all of this is that I don’t give in to them and what they want, I hang on to what I know is right for us right now.  Mom-guilt often has me giving in to too many sweets or snacks or switching out dinner for something they like more. However, I am the boss here and it’s my job to make sure they’re fueling their bodies properly, so I don’t give in.  There are no substitutions. You don’t like dinner, that’s ok. You have enough body fat to live through the night. You don’t like that choice of vegetable, that’s ok, you can skip treat tonight. In all of the meals we have had since January 7, there have only been a few times when a kid decided it wasn’t worth it to eat the dinner - and it was always something that seemed totally fine.  For example, the kids would eat kale pesto, no problem, but one night Ana would not eat a roasted tomato (which was delicious, by the way!). So weird. But when that happens, we don’t give in and offer something different and we don’t stop making that particular meal. If they don’t like it, we try again a few weeks later - and sometimes they end up liking it later on! But really, not giving in is more about teaching them that they can’t wear us down over time.  If they learn that they can whine their way out of eating something once, they’ll try it again and again and I just can’t take the whining.

When reading about eating back when the kids were toddlers and were super picky, I remember reading that you should serve kids the same things you eat and re-offer disliked foods again and again.  Most of the time, that was too much for me. I couldn’t deal with the arguing, I felt bad because I eat a lot of vegetables and I didn’t want them to have to do that (what weird thinking!). But my mind really shifted this time.  For the limitations that Levi has in his diet, he really does need some eating flexibility if he’s going to live a life of good food. Even without allergies, the same thing is true for the girls: they need a broader base of foods they’re willing to eat, or at least be open to trying new foods.  And now, there is no arguing. Either do it or don’t. And I don’t let their whining or my guilt get the better of me. Eat or don’t eat, that’s their problem, not mine.

One night, Ana was particularly disgusted by dinner. I think it was a soup (and it was a good one!). She didn’t want it for whatever reason and I didn’t budge that she could not replace soup with leftover pasta.  She cried and cried and sulked and came back and cried. Ultimately, she was hungry, she said. When she came back to the table for the final time, she basically pleaded that she should be able to eat the cut up vegetables in the fridge (that are reserved for snacking) for dinner instead and that she knew she would not be able to have a treat.  I was willing to give in to that, I mean NEVER in her life had she requested so vehemently that she at least be able to eat raw vegetables so that she would not be hungry. Never. It was a testament to how different our life is now and I still can’t believe it.

2019 started off in the best worst way

Here we are, almost a month into the new year.  

Normally, a new year signifies no major change for me. I’m not a resolution maker; 
if I want to resolve to do something, I do it right then. And then I go for it. This year 
was a little different for our family.

The holidays (starting with Thanksgiving) brought us back to some really 
challenging skin issues for one of our littles.  A resurgence of a virus 
that had us in the hospital early last year and then out of control behavior 
and anxiety plus a bad eczema breakout that resulted in starting 
antibiotics (again).  All of these issues were keeping me (and as a result 
also my family) on edge. It was like a dark river was running just 
beneath the surface of whatever joy and fun we were experiencing in life.

We have always been a little lax on our food allergies here.  There is 
a LONG list of things that we react to and it’s difficult to eat around 
those things: especially when I’m a timid and inexperienced cook.

After seeing how our son’s skin reacted to a bad combination of the 
weather and the food we were indulging in over the holidays, I 
decided it was time to make a change.  We had also read about how 
food can impact anxiety and I know how my own food choices 
(even though I have no diagnosed food allergies) can greatly 
impact my attitude, my feelings and my outward behavior.  And if 
that’s happening for me, what on earth am I putting my kids through!?!

Big Changes

So, I started researching.  Of course. I didn’t realize that there 
were actually cookbooks out there for people like us with many 
food allergies. One in particular- Pure Delicious by Heather Christo - 
is amazing, in fact, it’s one of the best cookbooks I’ve ever used.  
Not only are the recipes simple and easy to make, but almost every 
recipe has a picture, so you can check if what you made looks 
right.  And the pictures are BEAUTIFUL. It was a reminder that 
food that is allergy friendly can actually be easy to make, include 
mostly real and clean ingredients and can be delicious enough 
to share.

As a family, we decided to eat for our son’s allergies.  This 
was HUGE for us. We generally avoided his allergens, and 
would occasionally eat them but not allow him to have that part 
of the meal.  This time, we were going all in.

I know that as the dictator of this house, I expect that I can 
tell our family what we’re doing and that they’ll do it.  With food, 
I am the least effective dictator ever. We were already in a 
pattern of very limited food because of my poor cooking skills 
and our kids’ picky eating.  This new way of eating would get 
at three things then: 1) teach me to be more skilled in the kitchen 
2) avoid the allergens we are aware of 3) teach all of us 
flexibility in eating and trying new things (and get a lot more 
veggies in our diets).

Getting the kids on board

One night, during a major meltdown by one of our kids, I 
asked the other two what they thought about that fit, since 
that situation happens all the time.  They said that they were 
ok with it as long as the kid was safe. I pressed on to ask if 
they thought that we, as a family, or the child, as the 
fit-thrower, was happy to be in that situation.  They agreed that, 
no, it was not good for any of us.

I told them about my idea.  I told them that I’d reward those 
who tried new things and finished their food, but that overall, 
we are doing this to support our family member and to be 
healthier ourselves.  

Clean plate club!

They were open to it!

When Jeff came back into the room with our little fit-thrower, 
one of our kids announced to him that we were going 
to change our diet.  

We decided to take it slow.  First, we made an easy switch 
and traded our whole wheat pasta for gluten-free pasta.  
We also traded out our oat milk and Cheerios for rice milk
 and Rice Krispies due to the oat allergy that we had 
been ignoring. Both of those switches seemed to make a 
big impact.  This change was simple, but gave me the 
time I needed to do some meal planning around the meals 
for the following week.

And then things got worse...

During this time of transition, there was a bit of a detox happening 
for some of us.  It created some crankiness, fogginess and a few 
tantrums...like every day. We also had antibiotics prescribed for 
one child.  Antibiotics that were necessary, but were also disgusting 
and required a large dose. EVERY administration of that giant dose 
was a power struggle that involved delay tactics, crying whining, 
pleading, etc.  It was a hard, hard week.

The anxiety that we were trying to help treat seemed to worsen.  And 
the tantrums were spinning out of control.

I do not cry easily, but I cried twice that week.  In front of other people.

Getting the help we needed

In panic mode by that first Friday, I was emailing the pediatrician, 
psychiatrist, behavior specialist, friends, and anyone who might be 
able to help me.

Luckily, we were able to get some emergency help from a friend 
and our behavior specialist.  By Saturday evening, we had a plan. 
It involved priming our kids with what needed to happen and 
then reinforcing the behaviors we wanted to see through a 
variety of reinforcers valuable to each kid.  

And then, just like magic, the following week was a dream.  For 
the first time ever, I was early getting to work every single day.  There 
was only crying on one day and even then, I was still early and the 
crying was not nearly as bad as it had been on any day before that. On 
the one day of crying, we followed through with not giving the valuable 
reinforcer and the child learned their lesson.  The next day, things were 
a dream again!!!!

Through that tough week, I could not imagine that easy mornings or 
evenings were possible, until suddenly, they were.  

For the first time EVER in our family:

1. We had happy and helpful kids in the morning.  Each one doing 
   their part to help get us ready for the day.
2. We were all out the door on time to their destinations.
3. There was no complaining about dinner (even if it was new) 
   and all eating ALL of their dinner 95% of the time without any drama!
4. We had kids eating more vegetables and a variety of vegetables 
   - probably more than they had ever had in one week.  They ate 
   an entire package of Costco bell peppers AND cucumbers!!!
5. There was hardly any yelling!!!!
6. Jeff and I were in bed by 9pm (and sometimes earlier) - meaning 
   the kids were in bed  before then!
7. Every night, I started in my own bed (instead of one of the kids’ beds) 
   and I stayed in my own bed all night!

Suddenly, all of these things just clicked right  in. The impossible 
became possible in a super short period of time.  My life went from 
feeling like a nightmare to becoming one of the best weeks OF OUR 
LIVES.  I cannot believe the happiness and lightness I feel now that 
we have a way to manage the anxiety behaviors that were taking over our home
 like a dark monster.  For once, I feel that I have the time and space to 
breathe and be kind and be present to listen to my family and enjoy each 
others’ company.

The thing that I find so crazy is that we were suffering for a long time 
and not even realizing it.  Here, I thought we were just doing what 
families do and getting by as best we could. What I didn’t realize was 
that we needed help and that it was out there.  We hit a point of total 
breakdown only to find that it was actually a turning point to becoming 
the best that we have ever been: individually an as a family.

Whatever it is that you are silently suffering through, there may not 
be a need for that suffering.  Reach out and see what resources are 
available to you - it could make for the best worst time of your life.