2019 started off in the best worst way

Here we are, almost a month into the new year.  

Normally, a new year signifies no major change for me. I’m not a resolution maker; 
if I want to resolve to do something, I do it right then. And then I go for it. This year 
was a little different for our family.

The holidays (starting with Thanksgiving) brought us back to some really 
challenging skin issues for one of our littles.  A resurgence of a virus 
that had us in the hospital early last year and then out of control behavior 
and anxiety plus a bad eczema breakout that resulted in starting 
antibiotics (again).  All of these issues were keeping me (and as a result 
also my family) on edge. It was like a dark river was running just 
beneath the surface of whatever joy and fun we were experiencing in life.

We have always been a little lax on our food allergies here.  There is 
a LONG list of things that we react to and it’s difficult to eat around 
those things: especially when I’m a timid and inexperienced cook.

After seeing how our son’s skin reacted to a bad combination of the 
weather and the food we were indulging in over the holidays, I 
decided it was time to make a change.  We had also read about how 
food can impact anxiety and I know how my own food choices 
(even though I have no diagnosed food allergies) can greatly 
impact my attitude, my feelings and my outward behavior.  And if 
that’s happening for me, what on earth am I putting my kids through!?!

Big Changes

So, I started researching.  Of course. I didn’t realize that there 
were actually cookbooks out there for people like us with many 
food allergies. One in particular- Pure Delicious by Heather Christo - 
is amazing, in fact, it’s one of the best cookbooks I’ve ever used.  
Not only are the recipes simple and easy to make, but almost every 
recipe has a picture, so you can check if what you made looks 
right.  And the pictures are BEAUTIFUL. It was a reminder that 
food that is allergy friendly can actually be easy to make, include 
mostly real and clean ingredients and can be delicious enough 
to share.

As a family, we decided to eat for our son’s allergies.  This 
was HUGE for us. We generally avoided his allergens, and 
would occasionally eat them but not allow him to have that part 
of the meal.  This time, we were going all in.

I know that as the dictator of this house, I expect that I can 
tell our family what we’re doing and that they’ll do it.  With food, 
I am the least effective dictator ever. We were already in a 
pattern of very limited food because of my poor cooking skills 
and our kids’ picky eating.  This new way of eating would get 
at three things then: 1) teach me to be more skilled in the kitchen 
2) avoid the allergens we are aware of 3) teach all of us 
flexibility in eating and trying new things (and get a lot more 
veggies in our diets).

Getting the kids on board

One night, during a major meltdown by one of our kids, I 
asked the other two what they thought about that fit, since 
that situation happens all the time.  They said that they were 
ok with it as long as the kid was safe. I pressed on to ask if 
they thought that we, as a family, or the child, as the 
fit-thrower, was happy to be in that situation.  They agreed that, 
no, it was not good for any of us.

I told them about my idea.  I told them that I’d reward those 
who tried new things and finished their food, but that overall, 
we are doing this to support our family member and to be 
healthier ourselves.  

Clean plate club!

They were open to it!

When Jeff came back into the room with our little fit-thrower, 
one of our kids announced to him that we were going 
to change our diet.  

We decided to take it slow.  First, we made an easy switch 
and traded our whole wheat pasta for gluten-free pasta.  
We also traded out our oat milk and Cheerios for rice milk
 and Rice Krispies due to the oat allergy that we had 
been ignoring. Both of those switches seemed to make a 
big impact.  This change was simple, but gave me the 
time I needed to do some meal planning around the meals 
for the following week.

And then things got worse...

During this time of transition, there was a bit of a detox happening 
for some of us.  It created some crankiness, fogginess and a few 
tantrums...like every day. We also had antibiotics prescribed for 
one child.  Antibiotics that were necessary, but were also disgusting 
and required a large dose. EVERY administration of that giant dose 
was a power struggle that involved delay tactics, crying whining, 
pleading, etc.  It was a hard, hard week.

The anxiety that we were trying to help treat seemed to worsen.  And 
the tantrums were spinning out of control.

I do not cry easily, but I cried twice that week.  In front of other people.

Getting the help we needed

In panic mode by that first Friday, I was emailing the pediatrician, 
psychiatrist, behavior specialist, friends, and anyone who might be 
able to help me.

Luckily, we were able to get some emergency help from a friend 
and our behavior specialist.  By Saturday evening, we had a plan. 
It involved priming our kids with what needed to happen and 
then reinforcing the behaviors we wanted to see through a 
variety of reinforcers valuable to each kid.  

And then, just like magic, the following week was a dream.  For 
the first time ever, I was early getting to work every single day.  There 
was only crying on one day and even then, I was still early and the 
crying was not nearly as bad as it had been on any day before that. On 
the one day of crying, we followed through with not giving the valuable 
reinforcer and the child learned their lesson.  The next day, things were 
a dream again!!!!

Through that tough week, I could not imagine that easy mornings or 
evenings were possible, until suddenly, they were.  

For the first time EVER in our family:

1. We had happy and helpful kids in the morning.  Each one doing 
   their part to help get us ready for the day.
2. We were all out the door on time to their destinations.
3. There was no complaining about dinner (even if it was new) 
   and all eating ALL of their dinner 95% of the time without any drama!
4. We had kids eating more vegetables and a variety of vegetables 
   - probably more than they had ever had in one week.  They ate 
   an entire package of Costco bell peppers AND cucumbers!!!
5. There was hardly any yelling!!!!
6. Jeff and I were in bed by 9pm (and sometimes earlier) - meaning 
   the kids were in bed  before then!
7. Every night, I started in my own bed (instead of one of the kids’ beds) 
   and I stayed in my own bed all night!

Suddenly, all of these things just clicked right  in. The impossible 
became possible in a super short period of time.  My life went from 
feeling like a nightmare to becoming one of the best weeks OF OUR 
LIVES.  I cannot believe the happiness and lightness I feel now that 
we have a way to manage the anxiety behaviors that were taking over our home
 like a dark monster.  For once, I feel that I have the time and space to 
breathe and be kind and be present to listen to my family and enjoy each 
others’ company.

The thing that I find so crazy is that we were suffering for a long time 
and not even realizing it.  Here, I thought we were just doing what 
families do and getting by as best we could. What I didn’t realize was 
that we needed help and that it was out there.  We hit a point of total 
breakdown only to find that it was actually a turning point to becoming 
the best that we have ever been: individually an as a family.

Whatever it is that you are silently suffering through, there may not 
be a need for that suffering.  Reach out and see what resources are 
available to you - it could make for the best worst time of your life.