After watching Once, a pretty amazing musical about love and being in love, it got me thinking about that “in love” feeling.
As a person married for six years and in a relationship with J for almost 10 years, I was thinking about the fact that I am likely to never have that prolonged “in love” feeling ever again. I don’t say that in a sad or hopeless way, but that’s my life. I plan to only be married to J. With that being the reality, our “in love” time has passed and we are fully in the “committed love” part of our life.
I love those movies or books or musicals that help you recapture a glimpse of that “in love” feeling because the plot or acting or music is so good. As much as I love the reminder of that time in my life, I don’t feel a need to chase that elusive feeling. I’m not sure I’m even capable of it. That “in love” feeling happens at a time of vulnerability and risk in a relationship. You don’t know each other as well and there is the chance to cut and run if it doesn’t suit you.
I really like being married. I think of committed, married love as a home. It’s the place where you can be yourself when you’re feeling ugly, sad or otherwise less-than-presentable. Your home is where you go to heal when things at work or with friends get complicated or overwhelming. It is also reliable. You can count on it being there and it always catches you when you stumble. When you get home, you can throw down your burdens and just be. When you think about home in an abstract way, it is this amazing, dreamy thing. But when you think about what home is in reality, it’s work. Marriage is like a home, but it is also like home ownership.
The first and most important part of marriage (or home ownership) is making the right selection. You have to pick the person (home) that works for what you want in life. If you want a yard for kids to play in, you might not want to pick a town home with no playspace. If you want a family, you may not want to marry someone who is on the fence about kids. If you don’t want to do all of the housework on your own, you must marry someone who believes that housework is a shared responsibility. You get the idea. I was lucky enough to find someone that is not only committed to marriage, but is committed to me. The most critical part of that is that we always seem to be looking in the same direction toward the same goals based on our shared values and priorities.
So, once you’ve selected your dream home, you go for it! You fill out all the paperwork you get everything together and then you wait for that special day when you actually own your home! When you buy a home or get married, you have accomplished something. You put all of this effort and dreaming and saving into this thing that you have waited for and finally you have it! You sign the papers and now it’s time to make your house into a home. You decorate, build and create the foundation for your future. In marriage, this might look like doing fun things together: going on dates or trying new things together to build or enhance your connection with each other. It’s that newlywed time when things are all beautiful and shiny and new. Everything is a fun adventure together and you’re just getting used to that idea of being a wife or husband.
As time passes, though, your home and marriage need a little work. This is where things can fall apart. In the past, when you were renting, you could get by calling in the manager to fix things or letting something broken go longer than it should, but now this is your home, you must take care of the small problems on your own. You also need to take care of them right away before they become bigger problems. The same thing is true for marriage. One thing that is easy to take for granted is that your partner will always be there. When we get into this space, it’s like reverting to being single. Your spouse is there and you are living in the same area, but marriage has to be more than that. You must stay connected to create intimacy. I’m not talking about bedroom intimacy, but it’s related. It’s that way of being on the same page and knowing about what each other is excited about, sad about, worried about, etc.
When you live in the same place, it’s so easy to just drift about in your lives and treat home as a sanctuary for yourself alone, but really, you are also part of each others’ sanctuary. Rather than turning on the TV and turning your brain off, this may mean having a conversation about that work thing your spouse is working on. Or it means making sure to go on a date together without your phones so you can actually talk. When you forget to do these little things, they become big problems. A lack of connection (through small conversations and intimacy each day) becomes a blow-up if your spouse asks to go to a baseball game with a friend. Now, you’re in conflict, but it’s not really about going to the game, it’s about communication or connectedness - a bigger problem. Had the problem been addressed by having small conversations along the way, the bigger problem may have never become a problem.
As kids start to enter the picture, though doing the daily, weekly and monthly maintenance to your marriage gets more difficult. Whereas you could build intimacy through simple things, like having a complete, unrushed conversation, kids make those things very difficult. Now, rather than going on a date once a week, you are lucky to get out once a month. When you used to be able to discuss life over long, lingering dinners, now you can barely discuss the logistics of giving the kids a bath.
Since even the most basic maintenance is difficult to get, you really have to plan and make it a priority. Doing the regular maintenance for your marriage was hard enough and now it feels almost impossible. But money and babysitting cannot be your excuse for letting your marriage maintenance go. I am inspired by this post and this post from one of my favorite bloggers about how she and her husband find time to connect without much money or time. Having kids has enhanced my need for connection with J. There are so many more opportunities for conflict, but when we are connected, I have more patience and understanding when we hit those obstacles. When I get snappy, I think about our connection. Is it strong? Am I listening to him? Is he hearing me? When did we last get out together?
As you do all the work, you become more invested in your home. The home matters not just because you have it and it’s of value on it’s own but because you are putting yourself into it through your labor and time. As the newness fades away, something else replaces it and it’s not just familiarity, it’s comfort and it’s the strong foundation for your marriage’s future. All of the work you put in pays off as your marriage carries you through the rough patches in life just as all the repairs you make create a solid home that you can return to each day. But it’s HARD! Every day you are responsible for doing so much work! You work for your job, your literal home and then you add on top of it the work needed to keep your marriage healthy. It can be overwhelming! But it can also be rewarding.
