The Picture that Captures our Life - Right Now

The Picture that Captures our Life - Right Now

I love sending out the annual Christmas card.  In fact, I love using the mail. Period.  
But the Christmas card and creation of it is a torture that I enjoy.  

There are many obstacles in this course.  First, there is capturing the perfect picture - 
or group of pictures - that include all five of us.  Then, there is the selection of the 
card itself.  Then there’s the agreeing to the message.  Then there’s the actual stuffing, 

addressing, stamping, sealing and sending of the envelopes.  

At any rate, here’s the picture that we ended up with.  After the initial mailing, a 
friend said, “I love how the kids are all looking in their own directions, no one is looking 
the same way except you and Jeff.”

At the moment, I was like, “Ugh. Well, that was the most perfect we could get.”  
And then a moment later, I realized, that picture IS SO US RIGHT NOW.

If you look at our picture, you see two adults who are trying their best to hold it all 
together.  We have some sense of what is supposed to happen in this moment: you 
are supposed to look at the camera and smile as the person is taking the picture 
because we are putting all of our eggs in this basket - this is going to be our 
Christmas card picture.  The two adults pictured are finally seeing their lives resemble 
parts of their pre-child lives.  Finally, we can give time to our nutrition 

and fitness.  We can wake up refreshed after a full night’s sleep once in awhile.  We 
can see our friends - or the ones who are still around anyway (three young children 
have a way of eating away at not only your available time to socialize, but also your 
available desire to socialize.)  We can even show up to an event all easy-breezy 
and on time.

In some ways, this picture is a celebration of all things wonderful about emerging 
from the prolonged baby haze.  It was taken at my cousin’s wedding.  This picture 
is a celebration of all that we did that day.  We woke up, drove two hours, got 
dressed in mostly appropriate clothing and were not only on time, but early!!!!!

Now, shift your focus to the three young children.  NONE of which are obligingly 
looking at the camera or even smiling.  Each of them is staring off to the side 
because smiling and looking at the camera for five seconds is JUST. TOO. HARD.  

Each one of them is looking away and doing what they do.  Ana does not want to 
show her gappy smile because of her recently lost tooth.  So she does the closed-lip 
smile and she honestly does not have time for this looking at the camera thing.  
Levi doesn’t like his picture taken ever and he reverts to shyness, therefore he’s 
looking anywhere but where the camera person wants him to look. We were lucky to 
get a smile as he looked away.  Lucia is doing the most that she can just by standing 
with us and not being held.

Even as I write this, Ana is saying weepily, “I just want Mama to cuddle.” Lucia is 
demanding “something I can bite” because she’s hungry and Levi is fully absorbed 
by Netflix.

This is our life right now.  And honestly, it’s the best.  

While every day is full of moments of frustration, it is also filled with moments of 
supreme beauty.  The morning cuddles are unmatched.  While we have the 
opportunity to get up early and workout, these winter months have me falling back 
on the excuse, “I’ll just cuddle a little bit longer because they won’t want this forever.” 
(And just like that, five extra pounds jumped right back on my body.) Levi and Lucia 
love the morning snuggle in our bed and as bony as Levi is, he is really a fantastic 
cuddler.  He shapes himself to you, wraps his little arms around your body and 
manages to not breathe in your face. Meanwhile, Lucia’s warmth and chush factor 
make her irresistible on a cold morning.

Right now Lucia is twirling a rope, “Mom, look at my rope skills.”  Just yesterday 
she was teaching a “cowgirl class” to invisible pupils because, you know,  
cowgirling is her expertise.  

Ana is so aware of everything that happens.  When a babysitter came to visit, 
Ana ran down what to do when the kids don’t want to listen (just withhold something 
they want, like TV, until they get their jammies on) and she explained all of Levi’s 
allergies and what to do if he ate something he’s not supposed to.  When we’ve 
lost our patience with one of the kids, she jumps in and calms that kid down by 
offering a distraction and redirecting them.

But those moments are nestled within many moments of, “But I don’t want to!” 
“I’m not going to eat that, it’s disgusting!” and “I’m Vampirina!” “No, I’m Vampirina!”  
They are punctuated by crying for no discernable reason, laying down on the 
floor in the public restroom when your hands are full helping another child and 
chomping down on the toothbrush as you are doing the final brush.

Our Christmas snapshot is just that, a snapshot of us and our reality right now.  
Things are changing, and they’re changing fast, but I am really loving this part 
right now; picture perfect or not.  

Overcoming the Grump

Lately I’ve been in major grump-mode. (Side note: if you know me personally, you may be
asking yourself, “What exactly do you mean by ‘lately’?”)  The grump could easily be
blamed on hormones, the “magic” of the season, illnesses at home or any other variety
of things.  The truth is, I choose my grump.  

Every day and in every moment, I can choose to be kind, not take things personally,
and try to be someone others would want to interact with. Making that choice, though is
hard.  It’s hard when you are tired, when you didn’t work out, when you didn’t meditate,
when you ate crap all day long… it can be hard for any number of reasons.

However, because I make the choices I make, I often suffer.  I forget that I am in control
of myself and I allow myself to be led through the day by my tiredness, my irritation, and
my reactions to others.  

The thing is, I also forget that I will get back from the world exactly what I’m putting into it.  
If I’m putting out my grump-factor, why in the world would it get returned to me as friendliness
unless the person I’m interacting with is SO friendly that they can overcome the grump they’re
faced with.  (When you work with thirteen-year-olds, that is quite unlikely, by the way.) 

So, today, I’m home with sick kids missing the last day of school before break begins and I’m
reflecting on my grump-factor from the week.  How much better could the week have been if I
had overcome the grump in myself, even if it was forced? How much of a difference could my
attitude have made for many other people? How could I have changed my own experience of
the week? What if I actually acted as someone that I wanted to interact with?

Now that I’ve asked these questions of myself and answered them, it’s time to let myself off
the hook and move on.  Dwelling will not change anything, but choosing something different,
or at least trying to, could change everything.

So, that’s what I’m working for today.  Now that I’ve had the entire day to feed my soul with
cuddles, snotty smiles, reading, tea and pajamas, it’s time to turn on the intention and turn
down the grump.  

When is a risk worth taking?

The other day, I was faced with a decision.  It wasn’t a major one; I just had to decide 
if I wanted to attend a meeting.  This meeting was a collaborative meeting to present some 
work that was done from a committee.  

I hesitated.

This was not the kind of meeting that I was used to because it was a group of people 
I had never worked with before and the task was a bit unfamiliar to me.  The meeting 
would take place during school hours and it required making sub plans and finding a 
sub for a portion of the day. (Getting a sub at all is a challenge, but finding one for a 
half day is even harder!)

Oh, and I don’t like new things.

I don’t like new situations, not knowing where to go, not knowing who the players will
be and not being certain of my role in something.  This meeting was not exactly within 
my comfort zone, BUT I really want to stretch myself professionally and be a part of 
things that I have not participated in before.  

So this was a bit of a conundrum.  On the one hand, I wanted to take a TINY risk 
and attend this meeting to see what it was all about. On the other hand, it would be a 
challenge logistically and I was kind of okay with not taking the risk to try something new.  

I was stuck.

Sometimes, when I want an alternate perspective, I’ll ask a student.  This is mostly for 
my own entertainment, not some weird, co-dependent teacher stuff.  Anyway, I 
presented the facts above to my student.  

Her response: “Well, are you proud of your work?”

“Well, yeah, I am proud of it, actually.”

“Well, then you should go!”

Of course, I reminded her of the logistical problems: I didn’t have a sub yet, it’s hard to 
get a sub, I didn’t have any lesson plans ready for a sub.

“Well, then just have a teacher who has no class teach your class.  People do it all 
the time.  And you can just give a test or something.  That’s what you do when you have 
a sub anyway.”

It seemed so simple.  And really, it WAS that simple.  

If I was proud of my work, I should be there.   If I wanted to be there, it could be 
figured out.  

And so it was… I wanted to be there and so I was there!

So what are you working on?  Are you proud of it?  What obstacles will you overcome 
to bring it to the world?

Smiles That Vanish

I work out in my living room in the morning.  I try to get up early enough to get my workout done before the kids get up. Their rising often means getting milk, dealing with crying and setting up the iPad while I try to complete my workout.  It can be very frustrating, but it also brings some of the best moments of being a mom.

Everyday life is so full of demands.  There are things that need to get done because humans need food and water, there are places to go, there are potties that need to be pottied in, and there are workouts that must be completed.  Often these things result in high-stress moments of yelling, rushing people along and just general frustration for everyone.

Although the morning time includes me trying to get that quick workout in, it is just less rushed.  Often only one small child is up and not all three asking for various things.  As a result, there are bits of time that are just radiant.

Today, I was in my final exercise and a sleepy-eyed Levi had just stumbled into the living room. Jeff had just set him up with the intro to “The Secret Life of Pets” and Levi was waiting for the action to happen.

I turned my head to look at him and the movement caught his attention.

His eyes locked with mine and a giant grin spread across his face.  Of course, I smiled back at him and then he turned his attention back to the screen.  

That sweet boyish happiness is so bright, but also is so fleeting.  Just like that smile faded as he turned his attention to the movie, smiling in general will fade.  There will be many times in the future when we will lock eyes and he won’t smile. Or maybe just his eyes will smile, but he won’t always share that same open outward sign of happiness and connection of that broad ear-to-ear grin.

I think that’s just part of growing up.  We have all of these things buzzing around in our head keeping that smile from reaching our lips, or we have emotions holding down the corners of our mouths and that smile just won’t come as easily.  

It’s just another one of those reminders that although the seconds sometimes seem long, the time passes quickly.  Although the temper tantrums and crying may feel endless, it is, in fact, ending and before I know it, he will be a teenager burdened with the load of socializing, athletics and academics.  

How much of my own time is spent with ideas running through my head?  What is keeping that smile from my own lips?

This isn’t a reminder to “cherish the moments” or “enjoy them while you can” but it may be worth thinking about that we still have our four year old selves inside there.  They are hidden by the stress of our daily lives and all the things that need doing and all the things that need thinking about, but it may be worth the time (to you or someone else) to clear those things away for a moment (or maybe two moments) and let that sunshine come through the clouds for your sake - or for your son’s sake - or for your spouse’s sake. 

How the Bodyguard changed how I felt about marriage

Remember that movie from the early nineties that starred Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston?  She was a superstar who hired him as her bodyguard, of course the fell in love, yada, yada, yada…

Well, that movie has become a Broadway show and is currently touring.  It recently stopped here in San Jose and of course I had to see it.  I was dying to see some of my favorite teenage love songs sung live.  Of course, the show had terrible reviews, but it was not only a joy-inducing experience for me, but it was also eye-opening.

Jeff and I have been together for eleven years and married for eight years.  We have three kids aged 6, 4 and 3.  People love to tell us that we have our hands full, and we do! With the pressures of work, family, aging parents, and just life in general, married life is not always easy.  We each get frustrated with how the other handles things around the house or with the kids and we struggle to communicate and connect.  It’s nothing out of the ordinary, in my opinion.  We go through the ups and downs that every couple encounters.  

Lately, as the restlessness of spring settles in, I’ve asked myself questions about marriage in general and wondered what others’ experience is in their marriage.  It has made for some interesting conversations.

At any rate, last Tuesday evening, I sat in my comfy theater chair and teared up as some of my favorite songs from eighth grade were performed on stage.  I remembered how much I loved that cheesy movie and how much I just love love stories in general.  

And then something strange happened.

As I was time-warped back into my early teenage years, I remembered the feeling of longing that I had at that time.  All I wanted was to love and be loved in return.  I’m sure it was all hormone related, but the feeling was so strong then.  I wondered if I’d ever find someone who loved me and I wondered what that would be like. Who would that person be? What would he look like?  What would our life be like together? And of course, I often wondered the opposite: what if no one ever loves me? What if I never find this person? What if I live my life alone?

For as long as I can remember, I have longed for a real, romantic love.  And what I realized while watching The Bodyguard is that I have that. I wanted someone who thought I was beautiful, someone who respected me, someone who wanted me just as I was, and that was exactly who I married.  I realized that I am currently living a life where I take for granted that I found someone who loves me as I am even though I am not perfect.  I found someone who committed to me for life both in marriage and in choosing to have kids with me.  I found someone who loves me despite my total insanity, demanding nature and mood swings.

And when I change, he changes too.  We are changing together.  It’s not always smooth, but it’s happening.  

So, The Bodyguard, with all of its cheesy moments and fine music, woke me up.  It woke me up to what I have right in front of me by reminding me what it felt like to want what I have right now.