The Great Sadness

*** Disclaimer:  I do not believe I suffer from mental illness.  I have not been diagnosed with depression.  I do not claim to represent someone in either category.  Please seek professional help if you think you may be suffering from depression or mental illness.****

The Great Sadness descends upon me once or twice a year.  It usually happens when I feel that I have disappointed someone I admire or love.  It causes a downward spiral in my attitude and outlook and generally it sets the stage for me to only see the things I do wrong.

It’s as though the Great Sadness offers me a pair of glasses through which I can view my world.  Rather than them being rose-colored, they are ash-colored and allow me to only see only the negative that I do in my life.  These glasses not only show me what I’m doing wrong in the present, but it also sets up a movie screen in my brain that replays my whole life’s worth of negative thoughts about myself: poor decisions, bad situations, and general self-hate.  

Some might say, “How can you feel worthless? You bring worth to your kids!” but I’m talking about bringing worth to peers and feeling valued by others for who you are , not for keeping your children alive on a daily basis.

A friend recently felt the Great Sadness.  As is normally the case with Great Sadnesses, there was nothing I could do or say to help.  But it did remind me that there are some tenets that I live by when it comes to dealing with the Great Sadness.  

1. It will eventually go away.

Unless you are suffering from depression, the Sadness should eventually go away.  When I'm in the Sadness, it feels that there is no escape.  It seems that it will go on forever, and I wonder how I could possibly go back to a life where I experience joy or happiness.  But after a few days, the Sadness lifts and I go back to my life - albeit it’s with a bit of a sadness hangover, but even that eventually goes away.

2. It’s often intensified by hormones.

As a young person, I never acknowledged the strength of my own body.  In recent years, I understand more about what it’s capable of, and so much of that is invisible to me.  Hormones play a much larger role in the Sadness - and in my general reactions - than I ever gave them credit for.  Something that upsets me during a hormonal time can send me over the edge while in a non-hormonal time, that same thing might roll off my back.

3. Nights of sleep often help.  

The more nights of sleep that happen, the better I feel.  While I may go to bed feeling hopeless, the Sadness loosens its grip after a night of sleep.  Sometimes the Sadness, wanting to keep its tight grip, will keep playing those negative images in my brain so I can’t sleep, but (given the craziness of our home) sleep comes soon.

4. Meditation is key.

I am terrible at making time to meditate, but when those negative images keep scrolling across my mind before sleep time, the one thing that helps me reset and sleep is to blank my mind.  If a negative thought comes in, I erase it from my brain as if my brain is a chalkboard.  I try to focus on that blank chalkboard to prevent other thoughts from coming in and that blankness allows me to relax and sleep.  

5. Distractions help.  

When I can’t blank my mind because I’m busy with life, negative thoughts squeeze into the spaces between activities.  As I feel them creeping in, I’ll take the time to pick up a book, a magazine or turn on a television show I want to catch up on.  Being social during the Sadness is hard for me, but I do find that being distracted by conflicts of other people (especially fake ones) helps me to avoid the negativity in my brain.  Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I think the negative thoughts are just self-awareness and self-criticism to help one improve, but in the Sadness, the negative thoughts are a barrage of past or present mistakes that are not helpful, but just meant to terrorize.  

6. Forgive yourself.

When I’m in the sadness, I also take the time to forgive myself. When I’m capable of being fully present with my past mistakes I sometimes take the time to pause and tell myself that it’s ok that that particular thing happened and nothing can be done to change it now.  All I can do is make better choices is in the future.  Through this, I have been able to block out some of the old, old mistakes from coming back, but I have to actively forgive myself for not knowing better and remind myself that I can do things differently if a similar situation arises.  I also find that by practicing forgiveness with myself, I become much better at forgiving others.  It’s a skill, like any other, that needs to be practiced until it is mastered.

I actually don’t think I have ever spoken to anyone about the Great Sadness.  I mentioned it to my husband for the first time just a few days ago.  He didn’t know that I had been experiencing this on a semi-regular basis.  I’m not sure if I don’t talk about it because it’s a taboo subject or just because it’s a downer.  It could also be that I tend to avoid others when I’m in the Sadness and when it’s over, I don’t want anything more to do with it.  Either way, if you are feeling the Sadness, you are not alone!

Marriage is a choice

There are times when the “for better or worse” part of the wedding vows come into play.  For us, the past four years or so have been a real test of that vow.

Now don’t go rushing off to your friends worried that there is something wrong with our marriage.  (I’ve had this happen before.  It’s great that you care, but we can handle this, thanks.) Just like any marriage, it’s difficult.  I believe in commitment and I know we will get through the ups and downs, but the thing is, the up and down of it all is trying.  

What I’ve realized is that marriage is a choice. Ok, so that’s a “duh” statement.  But what I mean is that it’s a choice EVERY DAY, not just on your wedding day.  

Remember that baby haze  that I wrote about a while ago?  Well, our marriage has gone through it’s own baby haze and it has taken about four years for us to start to emerge from it.  

The thing that is helping lift the haze (and strengthen our marriage) is this idea of choice.  As things became worse and worse, we had to make many choices.  Therapy or no therapy? Individual therapy or couples therapy? Date night or no date night?

I think the mistake that I often make is believing that marriage is a sure thing; it will always be there, like the sun rising or the sky being blue.  I generally treat it as such.  I take it for granted and coast through as if all is fine and normal until maybe the sun doesn’t come up or the sky is green.  

But in this particularly rough year for us, what has turned things around for me is realizing that marriage is actively making many choices each day to make marriage worthwhile.  

Here are some of the choices I’ve made recently that have made a big difference:

Choose to be present with your partner.  When the day is done and there are lulls in activity or the kids have gone to bed, there are so many ways to check out so that even when you’re in the same space, you are not actually with your partner.  The device of choice is often one’s phone, but it could also be television, writing, gaming, other people, reading, or drinking.  I’ve found that when I choose to put those distractions aside and really focus on the opportunities I have to be present with my partner, I feel more engaged and empathetic as well as just more connected and happy.  One challenge can be if your partner is not on the same page with being present, but that’s when it becomes important to vocalize your wishes.

Choose to talk to your partner.  I think that J and I have a pretty communicative relationship with each other, but when things are tense - like when I’m avoiding my phone to be present and he’s not present - I find that I revert back to my old ways; primarily the silent treatment.  I always have to shake myself free of this (because it feels so good and passive aggressive!) but I have to remind myself that just because I have had this epiphany, it doesn’t mean he knows it or that he agrees with the philosophy.  Although it is probably the most important and seemingly easy of the things we can do with our partner, I find it to be the most difficult.  Talking and really listening can be so challenging given the chaotic nature of our home life, but it’s really the only way we know what journey our partner is on and how we can walk that journey with them (and how they can walk with us).  

Choose to have special days/times with partner.  I don’t think I believe in romance.  I mean I hate dressing up and putting on heels and I often feel that “romantic” things feel so contrived.  So I tend to ignore that “stuff.”  But despite that, I need to make special days for J.  What we’ve realized (through talking!) is that what is romantic to each of us is not that contrived stuff, but it’s taking the time to focus on each other.  It could be a hike, a happy hour, a dinner or a drive.  None of those things feel fake, but they do help to increase the connection between us.  

Choose non-bedroom intimacy.  This one was a shocker for me.  I hadn’t realized that over the years we had stopped hugging, kissing, cuddling or holding hands outside of our bedroom.  Now that I realize that, it seems crazy!  As we started our reconnection, this non-bedroom intimacy kind of started on it’s own and it changed the feeling of lots of moments in our day.  As a mother of three small children, I can easily get “touched out” or get my hugs and kisses from them.  When I stop to give J a hug or kiss in a short gasp of time between activities, it makes our connection physical and creates a space for a more loving and caring atmosphere.  All it takes is that one moment of presence and physical touch to make the talking and special time that much more special.

Choose to be aware of yourself.  As we both started our journeys to making each other (and ourselves) happy in our marriage, we each had a chance to talk to a neutral third party.  As a result, both of us were more aware of the actions we were taking and how they were affecting the other.  This became apparent when things would go sideways and one of us (usually J) would ask what exactly happened to create that reaction in the other.  This awareness caused us each to stop being controlled by the stressful situation, step back and make a decision (or just communication) to change the feeling of the moment.  As we continue to be aware and ask questions, we are each slowly able to make changes in our habits to create the kind of marriage that we want for ourselves and that we want our kids to see.  

None of this is rocket science, and all of it is related.  These things are all part of probably the most important element of marriage: connection.  The thing is, connection is not everlasting.  It is easy to start with it while you are still “in love” with your spouse, but that connection can fade fast and it really requires a daily upkeep.  For me, that upkeep happens when I make small choices every day.