Truth: It's a funky time

I have to admit it. I’ve been in a funk.  I keep asking myself what is creating my funk: is it being overwhelmed by Levi’s needs? Is it the beginning of the school year? Is it the things I’m feeding myself with (food, music, movies, social media)? Is it exercise? Is it the people I’m surrounding myself with? Is it something more? 

And last night, in the most unlikely place in conversation at Jeff’s college reunion, I figured it out: it’s that I’m growing.  

I know, I’m almost 40 (almost 40!!!) and I’m growing.  And it’s painful and it’s tiring. I’m always pushing myself to grow, but it’s always been incremental.  This year, I came into the year with intentions and areas of focus that (I didn’t realize at the time) are in a particular weak area of mine. And now that I’m trying and failing, it’s been tough on my mind.  I find myself sinking into some real negative self talk: Susan, you suck. You are in over your head. You can’t do this. You’ll never be good at this.  

And it’s messed up! I’d never let anyone else speak to me that way.  And I’d never talk to a friend that way. And yet, here I am feeding myself these horrible words.  

And what’s worse: no one knows.  When I let Jeff in on these things (which is not often), he is a real voice of love and reason.  His words are worth feasting on: “Well, Susan, you can’t expect to be great at something that you are doing for the first time,”  “You have to give yourself time to learn.” But I don’t always share this with him or with anyone else, so I’m left drowning in a sea of negative messages that I’m creating for myself - even though I'm surrounded by love.

All of these areas that I’m growing in  are a part of a bigger vision that I have for my life to be more vulnerable, more risk-taking in relationships and more "in" for the things that I think are my things: connection and collaboration.  

And expanding beyond my areas of comfort in connection and collaboration is very difficult.  

On the work front, it’s trying to collaborate with parents to increase engagement for students. 

On the home front, it’s sharing the responsibility of Levi’s care with Jeff and finding a way to do that in harmony.

On the social front, I’m opening myself up to new friendships. 

On the leadership front, I’m stepping up in areas that I never had the intention of stepping up in and having to both build relationships from scratch and manage the tasks of the job. I’m trying to participate in meaningful ways and struggling to figure out what I can contribute.  

All of these things involve putting myself out there and failing and learning how to do it better the next time.  And that space in between the failure and the next time is HARD. And it has involved a lot of tears. I keep trying to blame the tears on hormones, but that’s really not it, it’s me sinking back into my old fixed ways and forgetting that failure is part of the path.  And failure is the thing that is going to take me to the next destination. And without that failure, I’m just in my comfort zone doing the same things I was before. And that would be devastating because I want to LIVE LIFE.  

And last night, I was surrounded by people I hadn’t seen in ten years.  People who aren’t even really MY friends. They are Jeff’s friends. But because they love Jeff and because they have such beautiful hearts, they love me too.  And they reminded me that who I am right now in this growth spurt is still fine. It’s a me that is still worth loving and embracing and engaging with. And they see me - mostly through social media due to distance - but they still see me and it’s not just for being Jeff’s wife.  

And it helped me to see that the people in my life now also see me and they’re not seeing failure.  The failure is something that exists in my mind and is hanging over me like a dark cloud. But it’s just failure.  It doesn’t even exist. It’s a thing that happened and didn’t go so well and now it’s time to go forward and leave that cloud where it started and recognize that who I am is fine and worth loving. 

I was seeing me as the failure.  As someone who is struggling to get it right.  But I actually AM still getting some right. And maybe those are the things that matter: showing up for my kids, coaching soccer, teaching my students, surrounding myself with good, reliably loving people. 

I was always getting it right.  And soon I’ll be getting it right in different ways.  

Truth: Getting up early is a gift

Truth: Getting up early is a gift.

Good morning, friends.   It’s 8:20 am as I’m writing this.  I’ve been up for three hours. All three kids are still asleep and my home is blissfully quiet except for the collar shaking of our dogs outside and the hiss of the gas stove heating up my water for tea.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night.  I made the error of taking a late nap, so when I couldn’t sleep, I read my book.  That was my second mistake. Books never put me to sleep, they always keep me up. I was up until 1:45 am reading because the story was getting good. 

When 5 am rolled around and it was time to get up, I was a little groggy, but I got up anyway.  I did my routine: yoga, meditation, workout, shower and now, writing. And I realized, getting up early is actually a gift.  

There are an endless number of people who have remarked about my getting up early that they could never do that or how amazing I am that I do it.  But what they may not realize is that getting up early is a gift. It’s a gift to me, it’s a gift to my kids and it’s a gift to anyone I encounter for the rest of the day.  

I am an introvert.  Having quiet time in my home is a delight to me, but it SO RARELY happens.  Waking up early to do the things that fuel me for the day in the silence of my sleeping home is a gift that I give myself. I give myself the gift of peace and calm in my yoga and meditation.  I give myself the gift of movement and progress toward my goals with my workout. I give myself the gift of less anxiety and more centeredness in my day by taking care of myself first before giving myself away to my kids and their needs.  

And really, getting up early is a gift to my children.  Because I get the peace that I crave, I can show up and really be with them when they do wake up.  I don’t need to rush them along or find a distraction while I finish up whatever I didn’t do. I can prepare us for the day ahead.  Most importantly though, getting up early helps me to be intentional with my day. My goal with my children is to be a patient and loving mother.  In order to make that intention come to life, I need to get my things out of the way first. I need to use my yoga to make distance between me and my emotions so that I’m not constantly reacting to either my kids or my own feelings.  I need to use my workout to bring energy and life to my body and mind. I need my writing time to declutter my mind of ideas.  

Getting up early is also a gift to everyone I encounter that day.  When I work out I challenge myself. That challenge that I bring (and conquer) helps me to go forward into my day with confidence.  It brings me a positive mindset. It helps me to be peaceful with others both in my interactions with them and in the thoughts that I’m having about that interaction.  It helps me to not be as angry and to be more loving: both of which are my goals for how I show up in the world.  

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Getting up early is one of those things that people shrug off as one more thing to do that is not what they want.  It’s hard and they don’t want to do it. And that’s true for me too. But for me, my intentions about who I want to be in the world are more important than not wanting to get out of bed at 5 am on three and a half hours of sleep.  My desire to be a patient and loving person who is joyful starts with me doing hard things, like getting up a little bit earlier.  

Truth: Sugar is not my friend.

Truth: Sugar is not my friend.  AKA I can’t build my success on self-sabotage.

This has been an exhausting week for me.  I’m not sure why exactly, but it has been.  Monday, my family came to visit which is such a delightful change from my going to visit them.  It’s a little unsettling, but very fun, to have people come to our tiny house versus us travelling to visit them an hour and a half away.

This summer, I’ve been really trying to focus on my nutrition in combination with my daily workouts to try to see how much progress I can make with my body.  I’m not going extreme or anything, but I want to see what difference nutrition changes will make when added to my consistent workouts.  

My continual weakness is sugar.  I’ll start with fruit and then the fruit becomes a cobbler and then the cobbler becomes eating a bag of caramels or jar of jellybeans.  Once I head down the slope, it becomes very slippery and I’m at the bottom again.  

I’m not sure about you, but for me, once I slip, even a little, getting back up is difficult.  I forget all of the benefits I had from being at the top - when I was eating little to no sugar, I was less tired and had more energy, I didn’t get stuck in my shame cycle for sabotaging my goals with mindless eating. And, once I slip, I just go all in.  That’s the power of sugar over me. If I have one jelly bean, then my mind is like, “Heck, why stop with one? You already did it! Just have twenty more jelly beans while you’re at it.”

At any rate, like most people, a change in my routine often gets my mind back into thinking that what will really make me happy is eating cake, or jelly beans or ice cream or whatever sweet thing may be in sight.  I think that in order to fully enjoy the experience, it has to include some indulgence of some sort.  

So, on Monday while my family is here, right after lunch I busted out many of the things that are reserved for after dinner treats for the kids. Soon enough, I’m passing around the jar of jelly beans and the delightful maple caramels that were in the cupboard.  In my mind, I was offering something sweet to my family knowing that they have a sweet tooth too and, of course, I was indulging as well. Them being here was my excuse to do things that work exactly against what I’m working for.  

Sugar is something I crave, but afterward, I feel the sugar crash and that makes me crabby.  Then it has me reaching for more sugar to ease the crabbiness. This works exactly in opposition to my fitness goals, my mental-wellbeing goals, my to-do list goals, and my be-a-loving-and-patient-mother goals.  

When I woke up on Tuesday, it was hard to get out of bed.  In fact, I got out of bed and then immediately returned to bed and crashed for another hour and a half to dead sleep.  That is quite unusual for me.  

Looking back on the day before, I tried to figure out why I was so tired.  Did we have a busy day? Yes. Was it all that much more busy than other days? Not really.  Did I stay on track with my nutrition? Not really. Did I eat more sugar than usual? Absolutely.

Now, from my experiences in the last couple of years, I know that what I eat has a HUGE impact on my mindset, my body and my energy level.  And yet, it’s hard for me to decide in the moment that I should make the conscious decision to eat or not to eat the sugar. In fact, most of the time, my impulsiveness goes straight to sugar without even pausing to think about the mental/physical/energy ramifications of my decision. 

This week has been full of me waking up way past my alarm and creating a domino effect that impacts the kids.  I wake up late, so I start my routine late. My routine goes late so I let them watch the iPad later than I typically would.  They end up watching more screen that day because I’m tired and that’s not what my intentions were for the summer. Then since I’m running late, I cut out essential parts of my routine that I had planned.  Then I look back on the day and am irritated with myself that I didn’t do the basic things that I promised to myself.  

That’s just not what I want for myself.  I want a life where I follow through on the things that I agreed upon with myself.  I also want a life that is full of energy. I also want a life where I can show up for my kids.

Sugar is sabotaging that.  

That is so weird to say.  Sugar is sabotaging my life.  

Today is day three of avoiding sugar.  I’m feeling a little foggy and lethargic at this moment, but I know that’s a normal part of they cycle of leaving sugar behind.  This feeling will pass and I’ll find the energy that I typically have without sugar. I need to approach eating with intention and awareness - something that I’ve sort of abandoned lately.  I need my food to fuel my body so that I can show up to my life with energy - for both me and my kids.  

Trying to build success on my self-sabotage just won’t work. 

Moving forward on a not-so-good feeling day

I admit it, yesterday was a not so great day.  We were freshly home after our five-day beach vacation with our my family.  People woke up a little grumpy (including myself) and things were much quieter than they had been at the beach house.  

Often, for me, a quieter time leaves plenty of space for the negative stuff to creep in: mean messages to myself, unearthing of old hurts, general negativity for what’s ahead.  

What was ahead for the day was a barbecue with our friends to celebrate the Fourth of July.  Although I know it’s always fun, my negative space left me not wanting to interact with anyone outside of those I absolutely had to interact with.  Minimizing any damage I might do, if you will. 

Adding to the negativity was that we were just home from being away.  Going to any food-related party (which is every party) I had no plan for what to bring for the kids to eat, since we can never guarantee that there will be food for them to eat at a party (and we really don’t expect others to accommodate for us).

I really wasn’t wanting to put the required energy behind thinking about food.  

I just felt UGH. And it had that hopeless feeling to it, like “things are bad and they will always be bad.”  It’s so strange when that happens. We just came off of a fantastic vacation and were home in our not-too-hot home, mostly unpacked and back to our normal routine.  There was no reason to feel this way.  

My first thought was to get rid of the feeling.  I started running through all of my usual ideas. It went like this, “Maybe I can avoid all responsibilities and read.  Maybe I can get out of going to the party. Maybe I can get away with being super rude to my family. Maybe I should get drunk today.”  Once I reached the drinking option, I realized I might not be on the right track.  

I decided that I needed to bring in all of my fairly newly learned strategies to deal with them.  

1. Keep my habits. 

Generally, I wake up too early to assess my true feelings in the morning.  It’s usually still dark and I’m always a little sleepy eyed. Any feeling assessment at that moment is subject to change, I mean, I’m still kind of asleep!  But even if I feel that bad feeling creeping in, I do not use that as an excuse to skip out on the things I need to operate at my best. First, it’s yoga. I kinda dread and put off yoga every day.  It’s not my favorite because it invites even more quiet and that is always a challenge for me, but I know that it allows me to have more awareness in my day and take a step back from the chaos to see patterns in myself and my surroundings so I can slow down and make better, more kind decisions. Second, I have to work out.  I do have at least one rest day a week, but for most days, working out is part of the day. Working out wakes me up and brings in a positive, warm energy to the start of my day. If I work out and still feel the “ugh,” that’s a sign that it’s more than just my normal waking-up-bad-mood. But my questioning of my mood or feeling tired is not an excuse to get out of doing things that I know are good for me - and are likely to improve my mood. 

2. Realize that it’s just a feeling and it won’t last forever. 

Although it feels like it’s everything, my feeling is just a feeling.  It’s not actually a reflection of my life and as my friend says, it’s not existential.  My feelings are just feelings and it’s ok to feel them and take my time with them if that’s what’s needed, but if it’s unclear what it’s about and it just feels like a funk, then I don’t need to get lost under it.  And if I do start to get lost under it, I have to remind myself that it won’t last forever - even if it feels like it.  

3. Don’t act on the feeling, just do what is needed.

When the feeling creeps in, I want to disengage from everything and everyone.  Giving in to that feeling is just not helpful for overcoming the feeling or for being the kind of wife and mom that I want to be. I took a moment to look around and see what is great about the moment - yesterday it was about the gorgeous weather, that I was going to make progress on my junk room and that it was good to be home.  I told Jeff how I was feeling so he would know it’s not him, it’s just a feeling. I did have to keep reminding myself to not let my feeling escape out of my mouth onto my kids or Jeff. If I’m buttering bread and am asked for ice in their water, I can respond calmly. If someone wants a hug while I’m grabbing the ice, I can stop and give a hug.  They don’t need to feel shame or hurt because of my psychological turmoil. 

4. When it feels like all you want do is disengage, don’t.

I woke up not wanting to go anywhere or interact with anyone - in person or digitally.  I was annoyed at the idea that I had messages to respond to and people to interact with.  But let’s say that I had the option to ignore all of them - which in my mind, was not a cool thing to do - what would I do instead?  I would spend time alone and either wallow and spin out even more or numb myself out with movies, books or food. I have to ask myself if that’s what I really want for myself: to live a life spinning out or numbed out.  For me, the answer is no. And really, what I know to be true is that when I choose to engage - even when I don’t feel like it- I walk away feeling better and happier and I generally don’t regret it, much like exercising. 

5. There’s a pattern between things slowing down and this feeling. 

This feeling is familiar.  Any time that things slow down, the feeling pops in.  It has happened in years past during longer school breaks - even before I was married and had kids.  When the break was long enough for me to relax, my anxiety would get going and have me obsessing over concerns about students or reliving past negative experiences. I had kind of forgotten about the feeling when we started having kids because they kept me so busy all the time.  Now that we are in a slower season because they are more independent, there is more and more opportunity for the feeling to creep in. And I find the feeling creeping in when Jeff is around and I know I have an “out” and can let him care for them - and him being home means that things are even more slow for me because I can take a slower pace, which often means that my mind goes into overdrive on negative things.  Or when our pace slows down because school is out or I have extra help, that’s when I can expect this feeling to happen. I don’t wait around for the feeling, but when I feel it, I take a moment to think about the bigger picture and ask myself, “Are things slowing down a bit and that’s causing my mind to create this situation?” Often, the answer is yes. And then I decide on my way forward. 

By the end of the night, I could look back on the day with some pride.  I felt that feeling coming in and when I recognized it, I was able to move forward in awareness so that it didn’t take over. Instead, I was able to enjoy all of the most perfect parts of my day.  

Opening Your Circle

I had the experience of chaperoning my daughter’s second grade field trip a few weeks ago.  From the kid side, it was everything you’d expect it to be: a little chaotic, very energetic and lots of boundaries being pushed.  One thing that I hadn’t really expected was the adult dynamics.

I’m a working mom.  I teach full time, which means that during most of the time that my kids are at school, I’m at school too.  So, volunteering in the classroom and going on field trips is a pretty unlikely thing. On the rare occasion that I’ve done drop off or pick up there are other parents there.  Most of them are moms and some are dads. Most people keep to themselves or they chat with their friend. If a new person walks up, they may acknowledge them, but they probably don’t.  All of this is complicated by the fact that my kids are in a Two Way Bilingual Immersion (TWBI) program, which means that half of the families in the class speak Spanish as their first language (and may not speak English).

Such was the case on this field trip.  We were a tad bit late, so the class was already assembled in the classroom.  A few parents were lingering about. Teacher was explaining to a few parents what to do. As the late person, I tried to assimilate and pick up any info that I could.  

As more parents trickled in, I noticed that no one really introduced each other even when they obviously didn’t know each other.  And those who did know each other gravitated toward each other.

Since we had different arrival times and the kids were in the background excitedly anticipating our departure, there wasn’t really an opportunity to initiate a meet and greet that would distract students and add to the din.

And I was tired.  As we all are. I had no coffee because I was outside of my normal routine and I felt a bit like a freshly pressed zombie.  

So for those first twenty minutes, I just tried to stay out of the way.  And I watched. It felt like my moment to fit in or meet people had passed.  And I was grumpy, so I was ready to put on my “screw everyone” attitude.

And then I remembered that my goal this year is to live.  I don’t want to sit in the sidelines and watch things unfold as a spectator. I want to get out there and be a part of the action.  

As hard as it was, I softened my face and tried to ease the scowl away.  I opened up my mind and relaxed my shoulders. Once we got moving, I approached a mom and introduced myself.  Then once we got on the bus, I introduced myself to someone else.

Now, small talk is NOT my forte, but I did my best.  And that’s what living is. It’s doing your best, learning from it and moving on.  It may have been a total failure or they may have found me annoying or they may have hated me from the start, but that part isn’t my business.  What is my business is how I choose to act in my life. If I don’t want to be a bystander in my life, I have to take awkward risks. And then I have to release it.  I can’t go back and analyze every little comment and gesture. Whatever happened in that moment was just a moment and it was a learning moment.

Looking back now, I wish I had been riskier.  I wish I had approached each parent, even those who didn’t speak English and at least introduced myself.  These things are awkward and always will be, but I have to trust that I belong there too and that I have something to offer.  

When you look at your life, are you bystanding or are you playing the game?  I know there are moments when bystanding is the best you can do, but if you find yourself repeatedly doing so and being a passive participant, you might be missing out on the fun - or better yet, the awkwardness of living. Maybe it's time to open your circle to include someone new.

Dreaming of Abs

So, this may be the strangest goal I’ve ever shared with anyone: I dream of having a six-pack.

Since I was a teenager, I’ve dreamt of having the lines that criss-cross one’s abdomen.  I was an athlete and worked out harder than I ever had in my life and my stomach was flat, but it was never defined.  I wondered how people did that.

I would occasionally follow one of those ab regimens that are prolific in women’s magazines for a day or two and then drop it.  And then I just figured it wasn’t for people like me. I just wasn’t disciplined on my own back then.

Having defined abs is such a strange and petty goal and it never really was a true goal - it was just a dream.  But I like goals. And if you know me, when I start something, I go all in. I get to the point of satisfaction with my mastery and then I move on to something else.  Sometimes that lasts days, weeks or years. (Prepare yourself, I am currently on a path to learning how to make frosting roses. More on that later.)

Last year though, in preparation for our family’s Hawaii trip, I challenged myself with a longer and more intense workout and started focusing on treating food like fuel instead of a comforter and my body actually started to change.  I couldn’t believe that I was actually getting definition in my abs after having three children and at the age of 37. At that time, my goal was to get to our summer vacation feeling confident in my bikini. And I did.

I was so proud of myself for making the commitment and sticking with it.  Because I started in February and stuck with it until June, it was my longest display of food and exercise related discipline.  

Once we hit the islands, though, it all went out the window.  I continued to work out while we were there, but the food discipline went out the window.  And, as some of my virtual trainers say, “abs are made in the kitchen.”

After Hawaii, I loosely got back into a more disciplined diet, but it wasn’t the same.  Then it was a slow decline leading into the holiday season. After my high school reunion I was even less disciplined.

Once you get into that place where you’ve slowly evolved (or de-volved) away from something that is good for you, it’s hard to remember why you did it in the first place.  And it’s hard to find a new start with it. When you have a delightful piece of cake sitting in front of you, it’s hard to remember that it doesn’t give you the same energy as the healthy snack you conveniently forgot to bring with you - especially when it gives you so much joy in the moment you’re eating it.

As you may remember, the new year was a fresh start for our family eating-wise.  Remember how I said that when I start something, I go all in? Well, that’s what I did for our home diet adjustment.  Over the holidays I studied cookbooks, made lists, did shopping and then January was execution month. Because we were learning our new allergy-friendly lifestyle, my personal nutrition planning took the back burner.  I also had to learn how to adjust my nutrition to our new diet (news flash: it wasn’t hard at all). But the new year also meant lots of appointments trying to get everything sorted out for Levi.

I never stopped working out.  That’s a habit that is actually more part of my mental health than my physical appearance.  I need those moments of sweating and heavy breathing to set myself in the right direction for the day.  But the nutrition piece… that was the part that was missing.

Once things were in place for Levi and we were had momentum and some normalcy around our new life, it was time to turn my focus back to myself.   And so, here I am: five weeks into Mission Ab Definition. And it’s working.

Because I had gone to such a loose diet that involved lots of comfort and convenience eating, there were noticeable changes in the first week.  I don’t weigh myself often, because 1) I don’t want to and 2) my goal is around definition, not the scale. So I take weekly pictures to check my progress.  It’s weird. And I love it.

As with anything, you may see big changes to start and then it slows down and becomes more subtle.  Such is the case with my definition. I am progressing slowly now. And it’s disappointing. Like most, I’d rather see something major happen super fast and then move on and be done with it.  

This goal is a reminder that being consistent over a long(er) period of time is what’s really needed to achieve your goals.  Now, if I don’t meet this goal of mine, it’s no big deal. I’m not skipping out on ALL of the fun stuff and I’m not working out like crazy (just 20 mins a day for now).  If we have a celebratory ice cream because Levi did something major (like get on stage to receive an award) then I participate in that or if we have breakfast for dinner, I eat a pancake with everyone. But all of that is a small snippet of the big picture of eating for me now.  I’m not going to go crazy trying to get the six-pack, but I do want to see what I’m capable of at this point in my life given my parameters (I have to work out at home, I can’t work out for more than an hour, I can’t be hungry all the time). If I can be consistent for a year (which is far beyond 80 days!), it will be interesting to see the results!

My Mother's Day Wishlist

If you're looking for some deep throughs about my wishes for the world or my family, this isn't the post for you. I just know what I want and I like to ask for it and you might be curious about what that is and so here it goes...

Every year on Mother’s Day, I refine what my hopes and dreams are for the day.  My husband loves to give the perfect gift, so I try to accommodate that by letting Jeff know ahead of time what I want.  For some of you, that may sound selfish or demanding or un-spontaneous, but I’d rather ask for what I want than hope for it, not get it and then unconsciously punish Jeff for it. Here’s what i’ve learned over the years about what I want:

1. I need time to be around my family without having to respond to every request.  I want to sit and watch the kids play or watch a show with them without having to stop and get water or get a snack or wipe a bottom. Sometimes Jeff does that single-handedly and sometimes we are with a group of people who help distract the kids so that they don’t think they’re constantly hungry or thirsty or bored.
2. Gifts.  I don’t need gifts.  But I do love the things the kids make.  I love that way more than anything that they could buy for me (to be honest, the things they want to buy are more their style than mine). What I DO love is gifts of service on this day: going to Costco without me, getting my car washed for me, making meals (preferably all day) for me/us.  
3. Speaking of food… I LOVE baked goods.  My deepest desire on any celebration day is to have cake, or pancakes, or muffins, or scones.  I sent Jeff a recipe this year for these delightful looking banana maple donuts (minus the walnuts, of course) and these white chocolate scones.  And since I don’t like being in charge of food on Mother’s Day, Jeff is making dinner.  Mostly, I’m leaving dinner up to him. I don’t actually care what it is as long as I don’t have to decide or cook it.  I did give some pointers on food we have that he could use or cook, but that’s it!
4. I want time alone in my house.  I spend SO much time catering to other people’s desires at work at home, with family and with friends that I want time to decide on something that I want, not something that I think someone else might want too. Being alone at home is a moment of exhale for this introvert and while I love my family and I know there will be many moments of silence when our nest is empty, I do really crave moments of silence in the chaos right now.  And then I want to welcome back the chaos a more replenished person.

Mother’s Day used to be a day of drinking for me.  At that time, it served a purpose. It really got me out of the responsibility of doing lots of things for my kids and gave me the time to sit and relax.  However, it also really took away my awareness at the beauty of the day and left me feeling horrible that night and the next day. It no longer serves me and so it’s no longer part of my celebration.  I totally get that it works for others and that is wonderful, but I realized that my real goal in drinking was to get out of some of the responsibilities that I do from day to day, so now I just ask for those things to be done for me.

I’m lucky to have a husband who really cares about making the weekend a joy to me.  He is attentive and curious about what I want. I’m also lucky that the kids are aware of Mother’s Day and they seem to truly want to make it special for me - including secrecy and “special projects.”

40 Days of Change

It’s safe to say that this Lent was the most impactful Lent of my life.  For many Christians, Lent is a time for feasting and fasting as a remembrance of the forty day fast Jesus did in the desert when he was tempted by Satan. Often, people will give up (fast from) sweets, cursing, social media or fast food or feast on things like patience, prayer, acts of kindness, or compassion through different acts in the Lenten season as preparation for Easter.  Many, many times I have given up candy, or Easter candy specifically (because it’s my favorite) or I would take on an extra something - an extra prayer or meditation or act of kindness each day. This year, I decided to fast from reading my standard fare and feast on reading books by and about people of color - specifically African Americans.

I must admit, when it comes to Lent, I’m on-again-off-again.  As a young person, I took it very seriously. Then, in the days when I kept church at an arm's length, Lent passed without acknowledgment.  When I was a mother of infants and babies, I ignored taking on further sacrifice. Now that I’ve recovered from being the mother of babies, I still approach Lent with hesitation.  The fasting didn’t always seem to do much to change me in the ways that I had hoped. It often felt very surface. But not this year.

Typically, I would not write about Lent and what I gave up and how it felt because it’s very personal. Religion is personal. Anything having to do with race is personal.  It’s all personal and there is a LOT of judgment around all of it. But this Lent REALLY changed me: it had opened my eyes and made me so much more humble, so I felt it was worth sharing.

This year, I took an idea from this blog post that I found through one of my favorite bloggers. The Episcopal priest who wrote the post gave a list of suggestions of things “to observe Black History month with the same seriousness as we do Lent.”  What I found was that doing this during Lent definitely increased my accountability.  Had I not made the decision with a couple of friends and had my own mental accountability, I might have read a bit, then moved on to something else and come back when I felt more comfortable.  The psychological accountability of doing this during Lent kept me from walking away when things got uncomfortable or sad and it created a real dive into a topic that I was already interested in understanding better.

I have the privilege to choose when to engage in race discussion and when not to.  That is afforded to me by my whiteness (while not 100% white, I am most often perceived as white). I realize now that that in itself is a privilege. I also realize that I am no expert. I’m not here to tell you that I know things or that I’m “good” for doing this.  I just know that these things changed me and maybe you’re in a position to be changed too.

As I read, I realized that there were certain types of books that impacted me in different ways.  Fiction is always my go-to stress reliever and self-care. In these last forty days, it continued to serve that purpose.  When the reading to got too intense or I needed to read for stress relief, I turned to fictional books. While the events in fiction books were still disturbing, it was somewhat easier to read when I knew the characters and story were made up (even though it very likely happened in real life).  Also, because of how stories are crafted, they often fiction ends with some resolution - either happy or sad - but a resolution nonetheless. I found memoir to be the most difficult to read. Often, the same types of events from fiction would happen in the memoirs, but as you were reading you KNEW that it happened to this particular person (or their friends or family) and it really drives home the pain that people feel as the result of systemic racism. Non-fiction was the easiest to read and was the most jaw-dropping.  Because it is filled with facts and the author’s synopsis of the meaning of those facts, it can be quite startling - but definitely not as intimate. In fact, the non-fiction book that I spent the most time reading (The New Jim Crow) was the one that changed me the most.

Here’s what I read (or viewed or listened to) -

• 13th (documentary) - This was a Netflix documentary that I found out about through someone I follow on Instagram.  This was a very eye-opening documentary about how the 13th amendment created somewhat of a loophole that allowed for our current system of mass incarceration that is not based on race, but on criminality - and how that has been utilized by our country since the ending of slavery.

• When They Call you a Terrorist: A Black Lives Matter Memoir by Patrisse Khan-Cullors - This memoir was about her upbringing and how it eventually led to her participation in the Black Lives Matter movement.  All of the things she experiences are personal and direct examples of what Michelle Alexander describes in her book The New Jim Crow.

• I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing Brown - This book was really eye-opening as far as what it’s like to be an African American woman in real life; like what it’s like to be black in a “diverse” workplace, what it’s like growing up as an African American person in schools, and what it’s like being black in everyday life in America.  There were so many things that I just didn’t understand or even know about until I read this book. Her writing is so beautiful that you don’t even realize how much she is teaching you because the words alone are a gift - it almost felt like a blend of prose and poetry.

• Taste of Honey by Jabari Asim - This piece of historical fiction strings together stories from different characters living in the same Midwestern town.  The book explores all of the things you might expect in fiction - friendship, romance, family relationships - but also, gives a very real and personal view of police brutality, racism and community in the late 60s leading up to the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

• Waking Up White by Debby Irving - This is actually a departure from what my Lenten promise was as it is written by a white woman, but it was a great introductory read for these forty days.  I actually read it right before Lent started and finished it in the first days of Lent. It is the memoir of a white woman “waking up” to her beliefs about race and how it’s reinforced in our society.  It was interesting to watch another person’s path and their unfolding understanding about the role race plays in our decisions and what creates that understanding about people who are not white.

• The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander - This was the centerpiece of my Lenten reading.  It is a piece of non-fiction that is full of jaw-dropping facts and research written by a civil rights advocate and lawyer.  There was SO much information here and it really caused me to pause and re-examine everything I thought I understood about our country.  Her writing style is perfect for this topic because she lays out the facts and examples and then when things are difficult to understand, she follows up with another explanation of the idea.  She tells you what the book will contain and then leaves you with some ideas about where she thinks we should head next as a country. This was a longer read, but was SO essential for this reading list.
• The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas - This is a book about the experience of a girl who is with her friend, an unarmed black teenager, when he is shot and killed by police after being pulled over for a broken tail light. The author takes you through the experience not only of that night but also of the experience of the aftermath and the reverberations of it in the community that the teenagers are from. As a piece of fiction, it really sheds light and understanding on the reasoning for the Black Lives Matter movement, especially given that real events similar to this fictional one have happened over and over again across the United States. This piece of young adult fiction was recently adopted by our district's board to be taught at one of the high schools, so I really wanted to read it. As most young adult fiction, it was engaging and fast-paced and really took a complicated matter and laid it out in an understandable and relatable way.

• A presentation by Josephine Bolling McCall about her book called The Penalty for Success - we were lucky to hear about this presentation done in the Santa Clara University Law School.  I was nervous going in, but was amazed by the story told by Ms. Bolling McCall. Her story echoed many of the ideas, themes and actions of the books in this list and was, of course, very personal.  She explores the death of her father and does research to uncover that he is one of many African American men who have been lynched without their death being acknowledged as a lynching. In her research she found she was not alone.  Her presentation was a very personal account of her research and what she discovered along the way. I haven’t read her book yet, but it’s on my list for continued reading.

• The Good Ancestor Podcast by Layla Saad - I also steered clear of podcasts by my usual people and as kind of a back door way to hear from one of my favorites (Glennon Doyle).  I listened to Layla Saad’s interview of Glennon Doyle and then her interviews of Rachel Cargle and Lachrista Greco. She explores what it means to be a good ancestor and what our ancestors have inspired in people.  No matter who her guest is, the podcasts are always engaging and have such a calm and personal feel to them.

I definitely plan to continue on this feasting.  There is a whole new world of reading that has opened up to me and the list of books I want to read is getting VERY long.  Because of my privilege, race has not been something that I thought too much about. Now, I see how it has influenced my reading, my job and my perspective.  These 40 days changed what I thought I knew. It challenged my beliefs about myself, our country and racism in general. Most tend to avoid the topic of race both socially and in their free time, but my experience during Lent makes me think that an approach like that won’t really work if we want peace and justice in our country.

There’s no real reason to continue on my old narrow path of authors, genres and topics.  I see the world differently now. And these books give me a different way to experience our world.  I leave the Lenten season humbled by the skills of these makers and am floored by my new understanding of the African American experience in America.