Learning how to do less: our family mission statement

Someone said to me recently, “I don’t know how  you do it all.”  The truth is I (and we) don’t do it all.

When Sweet A was less than a year old, I was mentally planning her life and activities.  I knew that I didn’t want her to have too many activities, but I also wanted her to play soccer, maybe piano and definitely plan on family library trips.  But how could we do all of that given that our lives were already busy without those things?  We were busy with work, philanthropic activities, social activities and normal family stuff (birthdays, anniversaries, community dinners, etc.).

Early in our family life, J and I realized that we needed to find a way to make decisions to decide what to do (and not do) to create the family we want.  After talking to friends about this dilemma, one friend shared with me that her family had a mission statement that helped them to make decisions.  If it didn’t fit the mission, it didn’t fly.  

At the time, I was new to the idea of creating a mission statement but the idea got me thinking.  Maybe being explicit about what we want would help us to make decisions - big and small - and would propel us toward our family goals.  

Never having written a mission, I started with research.  My favorite source was this one from one of my favorite bloggers.  J was also on board, so he found some business-related sources that also worked for family mission development (any quick search will lead you to these).  Together we talked about what was important to each of us and what we wanted our kids to feel that our family stood for.  

Here’s what we came up with:

We are a family who lives simply, encourages each other to grow mentally, spiritually and emotionally, and our priority is to maintain connection to ourselves, each other, God and our community.   

When I boil it down to three main things, these are it:

Live Simply.

Encourage Growth.

Maintain Connections.

When we make decisions for our family, we can use this as a guide.  Usually, it works perfectly to guide our decision-making.  It helps us to see consistency in what we do and how we spend our time and what we want for our family.  Sometimes, I hate what our mission tells us is ok.  For example, our mission tells me that hiring a housekeeper is out of the question.  Simple living does not require a housekeeper.  Having someone else clean our house is an extravagance that we not only can’t afford, but doesn’t encourage me to simplify and seems misaligned with our mission.  

Here’s our life broken down by our mission:

Simple living:

• frequently purge toys and clothing through donation and giving to friends(also supports connection to community)
• use the crockpot to prepare meals at home to cut down on dining out
• find a way to make our small house work for us
• working to eliminate debt and live within our paychecks (this is a real strugggle - more later!)
• focus on experiences and not things when giving gifts
• limit what things we bring into our home - in other words, buy less stuff and only buy what we need!
• find a way to celebrate birthday parties that is not extravagant or expensive and that encourages connections with other people (This year, Sweet A did a park playdate with a few of her friends.  We had snacks at the park, no decorations, no cake, no presents.  Then we had a family dinner.)

Growth:

• Susan’s participation in Junior League
• J’s participation in Lions
• department chair
• time to write for each of us

Connection:

• “crappy” dinners
• date nights
• limiting screen time (well, we TRY to anyway)
• J’s Weekly (going out to meet friends)
• Susan’s Weekly (having a friend over while J is out with friends)
• being flexible so that we each can reconnect with friends periodically for dinner or drinks
• prioritizing time off so that it allows us and our kids to connect with friends and family (i.e. making sure there is enough time off for J so that we can take a family vacation during summer, planning on spending 90% of days off with kids/as a family, NOT filling our weekends with activities)

The deeper we get into this family we have made, the more focusing on our mission challenges me and helps me focus.  The challenge it offers is not a bad one.  I think about what else we can be doing within a particular part of our mission - like simplifying.  I’ll use that focus to do some education (growing) and then I’ll execute it in our life.  (The crock pot was a big challenge for me in this way.  Once I got started, I became a little obsessed.) However, if I see that focusing on that aspect is pulling me away from the family too much, I’ll re-evaluate and decide what to do.  

With this focus, though, making decisions is easier. Do I want Sweet A to play soccer?  Yes.  Can our schedule flex to fit in practices and games?  Not easily.  Currently, those things would take away from family time and recharging time for me and J.  Although doesn't work for us now, we will revisit the idea at another time.  I run through the same line of questioning with piano.  Do we want her to learn piano? Yes.  Can our schedule fit in practices?  Yes, especially if we can find a teacher who will come to us.  Can we afford it?  Not sure.  If it puts us outside of “living within our means” then the answer will be “No.”  

Currently with the amount  of brain clutter we have in our life with all three of our kids being so young, we are not adding to that clutter with other activities.  As all three kids become more independent, though, our brains will declutter a bit and we will be ready to help them grow their brains and experiences with enriching activities.  Do I sometimes think this  makes me a bad parent? For sure.  But I also understand what my limits are and what our focus is.  If we adults can’t be happy along with our kids, then it makes it hard to connect with each other.  Connection has to win out over growth because, although it is listed third, it is actually what is most important to both J and I.  

So, that’s how we try to live with intention.  How do you decide what is important for your family?

They Grow Up So Fast...

Our baby grew up overnight on the night of her first birthday.

Little L drank her last bottle of formula on the eve of her first birthday.  As a result, she would switch to oat milk for her early morning feeding on the day of her birthday.  She was in the habit of waking up sometime between 3 am and 5 am for a milk feeding.  She’d then go back to sleep until waking up for the day.  As our last baby, I didn’t really mind indulging her in this last bit of night-waking because I knew it would be over soon.  I had started strategizing in my mind how we were going to wean her from this feeding but wasn’t in a rush to implement my ideas.  

And then it happened.  

I offered her the oat milk in the morning and she wasn’t interested.  Since we had no formula to offer, I put her back in bed.  She fussed a bit and then went back to sleep.  She fussed again for milk 30 to 40 minutes later.  I offered.  She refused. We repeated this a couple times.  Then she woke for the day.

The next morning, I anticipated the same struggle with her.  And it didn’t happen.  She didn’t even wake up. She slept right through.  

I was stunned.  That was it?  She didn’t need me to help her any more?  

Don’t get me wrong.  I was thrilled at the idea of sleeping through the morning, but she didn’t need me?  She didn’t even need a “process” to wean?  A week later, the shock is still wearing off.

Today, we purged our bottle drawer of all the things we no longer need: spare pump parts, storage bottles, baby bottles, our bottle drying rack and our special bottle-washing bin.  In some ways, we were removing evidence of Little L’s babyhood.  Now that she’s moving on to the next stage, we just don’t need it anymore.  

As J packed away our bottle-washing bin, he asked, “Do you feel sad about getting rid of this stuff?”

I, of course, said no.  Then J reported that he did actually feel a little sad.  He remembered obtaining that bin in the hospital and bringing it home with us four years ago.  

This is about the time that someone inevitably chimes in and says, “They grow up so fast.  Enjoy every moment.”  Simultaneously, my inner eyes roll and my heart aches.

All at once, it seems that time is flying by and going extremely slow.  It’s so easy to look back on Little L’s first year and feel nostalgic about her baby time.  But it’s also easy to jump out of my skin in joy that she’s becoming more independent.

Very slowly, we’re molting out of this phase of our lives.  As the kids grow and as we leave behind these baby years, we grow into the next part of our (and their) lives.  As much as we may want to cling to the great, snuggly parts of the past, it’s important to remember that not all of the moments were snuggly moments.  

It’s so easy to want to cling to the old and familiar, but like that molting snake, we need to grow into what is naturally next.  The crazy thing about all of this is that even though what is behind us is familiar and had it’s awesome aspects, what lies ahead, although different, will have its own awesome (and possibly better) aspects.   All of their baby cuteness will turn into toddler cuteness.  And as the challenges increase, so will the rewards.  

For Little L, we’re leaving behind her desire to be held all the time to move on to walking.  What I will lose in cuddles, I will gain in her increasing independence.  The challenge will be in corralling her, but the bonus will be watching her try to keep up with her brother and sister and observing her exploring the wider world available to her when she uses her own feet.  

Although Little L will always be our baby, she is no longer a baby.  It seemed to happen so abruptly and carries so many mixed feelings from each of us.   But this is it!  This is living!  We are constantly moving on from phase to phase, each with its mixed bag of experiences.  Recognizing this pattern has really eased the transition from one phase to the next and has kept me looking for those little bonuses at each phase as these tiny people develop before our eyes!