(Still) Putting the work into our marriage

A few years ago, I wrote a  blog post about the work that goes into marriage.  That idea of putting work into marriage is on my mind often.  I remember as an unmarried person (over a decade ago!) wondering what it meant to put work into your marriage/relationship.  I didn’t understand it. I mean, you like the person and you just show up and exist together. How hard could that be?

The thing is, it can be very hard.  Living in the same space together, making parenting decisions together, consistently carrying out all of the decisions you’ve made and keeping things afloat (bills, schedules, meals, appointments) and growing as individuals can create both busy-ness and tension.  

Life in a family with (in our case) three children is hectic.  There is hardly any time to have conversation let alone to have the conversations that matter to your relationship.  

And it’s all tiring!  So you escape to social media, television, or reading to give yourself a little break.  It is SO easy to slowly drift away from each other even when you sleep right next to each other every night.

No marriage is ever as perfect as it seems from the outside, but I suspect that the people in successful marriages are constantly putting in the work. The more time I spend learning about it, the more I think that this is part of what that work might look like.

1. They know each other's’ love languages and they speak them regularly and fluently.  

If you haven’t heard about the five love languages, you should check out this book or listen to this podcast.  Author and marriage counselor Gary Chapman took years of research as a marriage counselor and years of hearing people say, “She/He just doesn’t love me” to write a book about the ways that people like to feel loved.  He narrows it down to five love languages: physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and gifts. Often people show love in their love language, but if that love language is not shared by their partner (which it probably is not) then the partner does not perceive the love intended by the act that was given.  In other words, you may be doing something to express your love for your spouse and they may not feel the love that you are intending.

2. They have a mindfulness practice.

Knowing the benefits of mindfulness, I have struggled to maintain a consistent mindfulness practice.  Now that I have been very disciplined in doing my yoga and mindfulness practice at home every day for almost a year, I see the major difference it has made for me.  It allows me to step back and decide how I want to behave rather than go with the first knee-jerk reaction I have. And even when I fall into the rut of behaving in a way that I don’t want to (reacting with impatience, anger, etc.), I recognize it faster and can change my behavior or at least apologize more quickly.  These practices have GREATLY impacted my ability to give myself feedback on my listening, patience, hard-headedness, and happiness - especially when it comes to Jeff. The awareness created in this practice has helped me to listen, be present and be a better partner/mother/teacher/friend. The biggest change in this last year that helped me to be consistent in mindfulness: I had someone to talk to about it who already had a successful practice going.  I could ask if I was doing it “right” or I got feedback that they could see a difference and they constantly made suggestions about my next steps. So if you decide to start a mindfulness practice (there are lots of great apps out there) or if you are already doing something even if it doesn’t feel like it’s going right, it probably is - just don’t quit - and find someone you can talk to about it. (I’m here!)

3. They listen.

This is probably one of the most challenging parts of being together for a long time.  Things get chaotic. We are distracted. The chores need doing. That TV show needs watching.  We forget to stop and understand what the other is saying. Or when we do listen, we listen to respond, not to hear them and why they are sharing whatever they’re sharing. Just listen to understand. Be open to what they are sharing about themselves with you.  But mostly, put down your phone, pause your podcast, stop the episode and just hear what they are saying while looking at their face.

4. They grow personally.

It can feel selfish to focus on yourself, especially among the chaos of kids and life.  The thing is we bring our best when we are our best. But our best changes. What was our best six months ago (or even yesterday) may not be our best today. You may be ready to grow into the person you are still becoming.   And, more importantly, THIS IS YOUR LIFE. Why not live to be the biggest and best version of yourself that can be? Primarily, I push myself to make and meet goals for myself, however, my marriage benefits as a result.  My personal growth path has helped me to be more compassionate, remove my own negativity from our interactions, see things differently and be more loving.

Personal growth looks different for everyone, but for me, it’s reading inspiring books (The Five Love Languages, The Four Agreements, The Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work, Girl, Wash your Face).  But it could be listening to inspiring podcasts, attending a conference, going to therapy, learning something new (yoga, playing checkers, a language).  Growing yourself doesn’t mean you need to drag your spouse along. They may want to join you in growth (or they may not), but whatever benefits you get out of that growth will overflow onto your marriage and make it stronger. In this case, like most, it’s about you and focusing on yourself which will ultimately help your relationship.

5. Be a treasure.

This is possibly the weirdest and best thing I ever tried.  I can’t even believe that I use the words “be a treasure.” It sounds so corny, but, honestly, this was a life-changing revelation for me.  Keep in mind, I am often not a treasure, so this was tough and requires constant awareness (I’m growing!). After having a conversation with a friend about their observations of another person’s marriage, we were discussing how partners often punish each other for their past wrongs.  They bring those past wrongs into their present interactions. Here’s an example: let’s say that Jeff forgot to change the knobs on the kids’ play kitchen like I had asked. And that was yesterday. Today, I see those old broken knobs and I’m pissed because he didn’t do what he said he’d do.  Today, I might punish him by angrily confronting him about it, making a passive aggressive comment or I might speak to him in a rude tone when he asks me a question about our plans today. (Let’s be real, I’m likely to do all three.)

So after having this conversation with my friend, I asked myself, what if I just decided that I wanted to be a treasure? What if I wanted to be someone that Jeff might enjoy being around?  

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean being fake.  I will still be honest with Jeff about how I’m feeling or what frustrates me, but I do my best to stop and stay it in the kindest way that I can manage.  Like maybe the way I’d speak to a colleague at work that I was having conflict with.

What I have found when I do this is that 1) he hears me 2) to be kind, I have to recognize that he’s just a person doing his best too, so my mindset around who he is changes 3) I see how ridiculous some of my complaints are in the grand scheme of things.

The best thing about it: he responds.  If you know Jeff, he loves to be happy and optimistic.  Every day, I was making him have to work hard to maintain his happy and optimistic attitude.  But as I’ve recognized my role in our dysfunctions, I’ve done my best and he has responded. His mood is lighter. We are taking more opportunities to connect rather than push away.  

Don’t get me wrong on any of this.  Your partner also has a role in making a marriage work, but I know that I am only responsible for me and my part in this relationship. Every step along the way, I have been transparent with Jeff about my intentions.  His awareness helps him to be supportive and open to responding in a positive way. Even if he didn’t respond positively, I must live a life that I am happy with and I’ve chosen to go all in with my part in this relationship because I want to live big and I don’t want to leave anything on the table when it comes to my well-being and the well-being of my marriage and family.

Don't believe your tricky, tricky mind

I think about my mind a lot these days.  

In my morning meditation, it loves to be active and think.  It has ALL kinds of things to think about. As I’m trying to keep my mind clear, it wonders if I remembered to set Ana’s alarm (I did) or if they make bundt containers to store your bundt cake (they do) or if there’s enough bacon for breakfast-for-dinner tonight (there is). All of these urgent thoughts come into my mind that really, really do feel urgent.  And as soon as meditation is done… those thoughts are gone.

Why am I heading toward the kids’ room?

What was it that I wanted to check Amazon for?

What was in the freezer that I wanted to check?

And then I realize I’ve been fooled by my mind.  That tricky, tricky mind.

I think that many times we rely on our logic and our thinking to be our friend.  We count on it to help us understand our world or to know the right thing to do or to get work done. But our minds are a bit unreliable.  

They are like little puppies at the end of a leash: so full of energy, tugging this way and that.  It scrambles to the next conclusion (that may be built on faulty perceptions) and it runs about uncontrolled yanking us all over the place dragging us along with it.  

Not only does it trick us into spending our energy on trivial things, it can also trick us into dark, dark places.  It can play over and over messages that we let ourselves have that don’t really belong to us. Things like: you’re not good enough, you don’t deserve this, that person hates you.  You get the picture.

It can also make us relive a scene in our lives that our perception has distorted to make us look like a bad person.  You know, that highlight reel of all of your past mistakes and wrongs that goes on and on long after you should have fallen asleep?  That’s your tricky mind.

But we believe our minds because it’s our mind! We need it to think and reason and make decisions.

But what we really need is to control that puppy.  Remind it that the time for thinking of bundt-shaped containers is later, that those negative messages are not for me and instead, we are going to listen to positive messages.  Your mind always thinks it knows best - like that untamed puppy - but YOU actually know what’s best. A walk is meant to be a walk, not a pull, so it’s time for you to teach that puppy how to slow it down and walk. Sniffing and wandering is fine, but that’s not the purpose at this moment, the purpose is to have a calm and relaxed walk.  

For your mind, all that wandering is something to do and it’s fun, but it’s not meant to do that ALL the time. It’s meant to spend time BEING and it’s meant to be aware. It’s meant to appreciate the beauty around you in every moment of your day.  

In our busy lives, it’s easy to forget that there is magic and beauty everywhere, but it’s there.  Even in that screaming toddler, there is beauty in that. How beautiful is it that his or her forming mind is so strong that it believes that having ice cream at 10pm is a battle that must be won?  Although it can be frustrating in the moment, the silliness of it all is quite beautiful.

The beauty of a leaf always mystifies me.  But a leaf is a piece of life that is made to absorb sunlight and turn it into food for it’s plant.  And leaves are so beautifully symmetrical; they’re unique and built for the job that they do.

There’s definitely beauty in the way that the sun looks on any given sunrise or sunset.  We are often so lost in our tasks and our thinking that we don’t even pause to look and appreciate the play of the light on the sky, but it was there just being beautiful on it’s own.

We have to train our mind to see these beautiful things. We need to see them when we’re angry or sad, or see them when we are bored.  We need to see them when our mind is caught up taking us on a wild goose chase about our own worth.

You get to do that.  YOU are in charge of your mind.  When your mind wanders off from your task, you get to gently remind it what it should be doing.  (But be gentle, there’s no need to be mean to part of yourself, even if it is being tricky.) And when those thoughts come to mind, which are likely irrational and totally untrue, you get to tell your mind to stop and try something different.  You can replace it with fact: I am good enough. I was made perfect just the way I am. I am uniquely me. I am loveable (imperfect, but worthy of love).

Our minds are wonderful - and also tricky.  We can’t allow ourselves to constantly fall prey to its tricks.  Especially, when those tricks deceive us into avoiding things that are good for us: things like eating healthy food, taking the time to not think, loving ourselves as we are.  When it starts taking us down the dark and self-defeating path of self-hate, we have to train ourselves to get our minds of that path. It’s not a path meant for us. The path that’s meant for us is one of gratitude and self-love. We’re meant for a big and beautiful life and you get to help your mind take you there.  

2019 started off in the best worst way

Here we are, almost a month into the new year.  

Normally, a new year signifies no major change for me. I’m not a resolution maker; 
if I want to resolve to do something, I do it right then. And then I go for it. This year 
was a little different for our family.

The holidays (starting with Thanksgiving) brought us back to some really 
challenging skin issues for one of our littles.  A resurgence of a virus 
that had us in the hospital early last year and then out of control behavior 
and anxiety plus a bad eczema breakout that resulted in starting 
antibiotics (again).  All of these issues were keeping me (and as a result 
also my family) on edge. It was like a dark river was running just 
beneath the surface of whatever joy and fun we were experiencing in life.

We have always been a little lax on our food allergies here.  There is 
a LONG list of things that we react to and it’s difficult to eat around 
those things: especially when I’m a timid and inexperienced cook.

After seeing how our son’s skin reacted to a bad combination of the 
weather and the food we were indulging in over the holidays, I 
decided it was time to make a change.  We had also read about how 
food can impact anxiety and I know how my own food choices 
(even though I have no diagnosed food allergies) can greatly 
impact my attitude, my feelings and my outward behavior.  And if 
that’s happening for me, what on earth am I putting my kids through!?!

Big Changes

So, I started researching.  Of course. I didn’t realize that there 
were actually cookbooks out there for people like us with many 
food allergies. One in particular- Pure Delicious by Heather Christo - 
is amazing, in fact, it’s one of the best cookbooks I’ve ever used.  
Not only are the recipes simple and easy to make, but almost every 
recipe has a picture, so you can check if what you made looks 
right.  And the pictures are BEAUTIFUL. It was a reminder that 
food that is allergy friendly can actually be easy to make, include 
mostly real and clean ingredients and can be delicious enough 
to share.

As a family, we decided to eat for our son’s allergies.  This 
was HUGE for us. We generally avoided his allergens, and 
would occasionally eat them but not allow him to have that part 
of the meal.  This time, we were going all in.

I know that as the dictator of this house, I expect that I can 
tell our family what we’re doing and that they’ll do it.  With food, 
I am the least effective dictator ever. We were already in a 
pattern of very limited food because of my poor cooking skills 
and our kids’ picky eating.  This new way of eating would get 
at three things then: 1) teach me to be more skilled in the kitchen 
2) avoid the allergens we are aware of 3) teach all of us 
flexibility in eating and trying new things (and get a lot more 
veggies in our diets).

Getting the kids on board

One night, during a major meltdown by one of our kids, I 
asked the other two what they thought about that fit, since 
that situation happens all the time.  They said that they were 
ok with it as long as the kid was safe. I pressed on to ask if 
they thought that we, as a family, or the child, as the 
fit-thrower, was happy to be in that situation.  They agreed that, 
no, it was not good for any of us.

I told them about my idea.  I told them that I’d reward those 
who tried new things and finished their food, but that overall, 
we are doing this to support our family member and to be 
healthier ourselves.  

Clean plate club!

They were open to it!

When Jeff came back into the room with our little fit-thrower, 
one of our kids announced to him that we were going 
to change our diet.  

We decided to take it slow.  First, we made an easy switch 
and traded our whole wheat pasta for gluten-free pasta.  
We also traded out our oat milk and Cheerios for rice milk
 and Rice Krispies due to the oat allergy that we had 
been ignoring. Both of those switches seemed to make a 
big impact.  This change was simple, but gave me the 
time I needed to do some meal planning around the meals 
for the following week.

And then things got worse...

During this time of transition, there was a bit of a detox happening 
for some of us.  It created some crankiness, fogginess and a few 
tantrums...like every day. We also had antibiotics prescribed for 
one child.  Antibiotics that were necessary, but were also disgusting 
and required a large dose. EVERY administration of that giant dose 
was a power struggle that involved delay tactics, crying whining, 
pleading, etc.  It was a hard, hard week.

The anxiety that we were trying to help treat seemed to worsen.  And 
the tantrums were spinning out of control.

I do not cry easily, but I cried twice that week.  In front of other people.

Getting the help we needed

In panic mode by that first Friday, I was emailing the pediatrician, 
psychiatrist, behavior specialist, friends, and anyone who might be 
able to help me.

Luckily, we were able to get some emergency help from a friend 
and our behavior specialist.  By Saturday evening, we had a plan. 
It involved priming our kids with what needed to happen and 
then reinforcing the behaviors we wanted to see through a 
variety of reinforcers valuable to each kid.  

And then, just like magic, the following week was a dream.  For 
the first time ever, I was early getting to work every single day.  There 
was only crying on one day and even then, I was still early and the 
crying was not nearly as bad as it had been on any day before that. On 
the one day of crying, we followed through with not giving the valuable 
reinforcer and the child learned their lesson.  The next day, things were 
a dream again!!!!

Through that tough week, I could not imagine that easy mornings or 
evenings were possible, until suddenly, they were.  

For the first time EVER in our family:

1. We had happy and helpful kids in the morning.  Each one doing 
   their part to help get us ready for the day.
2. We were all out the door on time to their destinations.
3. There was no complaining about dinner (even if it was new) 
   and all eating ALL of their dinner 95% of the time without any drama!
4. We had kids eating more vegetables and a variety of vegetables 
   - probably more than they had ever had in one week.  They ate 
   an entire package of Costco bell peppers AND cucumbers!!!
5. There was hardly any yelling!!!!
6. Jeff and I were in bed by 9pm (and sometimes earlier) - meaning 
   the kids were in bed  before then!
7. Every night, I started in my own bed (instead of one of the kids’ beds) 
   and I stayed in my own bed all night!

Suddenly, all of these things just clicked right  in. The impossible 
became possible in a super short period of time.  My life went from 
feeling like a nightmare to becoming one of the best weeks OF OUR 
LIVES.  I cannot believe the happiness and lightness I feel now that 
we have a way to manage the anxiety behaviors that were taking over our home
 like a dark monster.  For once, I feel that I have the time and space to 
breathe and be kind and be present to listen to my family and enjoy each 
others’ company.

The thing that I find so crazy is that we were suffering for a long time 
and not even realizing it.  Here, I thought we were just doing what 
families do and getting by as best we could. What I didn’t realize was 
that we needed help and that it was out there.  We hit a point of total 
breakdown only to find that it was actually a turning point to becoming 
the best that we have ever been: individually an as a family.

Whatever it is that you are silently suffering through, there may not 
be a need for that suffering.  Reach out and see what resources are 
available to you - it could make for the best worst time of your life.