I struggle with compulsive eating. I always have. I can’t just have a piece of cake, it could easily turn into a quarter of the cake! I can’t just have a handful of chips, it’s the whole bag. Not one piece of pizza, but four instead. And that doesn’t even take into account the times that I’m emotional eating. It’s been a real struggle to figure out how to control myself, because it’s not like I’m compulsively eating cucumbers. It’s just that junky, processed food that is so readily available.
Over the last few years, I’ve developed much better habits. I am not starving myself by any means, but I’m not as compulsive. There’s more awareness over why I’m eating and if I’m really hungry, then I can eat a vegetable - it doesn’t have to be cake.
The holidays put me back into some bad habits as far as emotional eating and allowing myself access to foods I’d typically not have in the house. Having our change in diet means that I’m regularly preparing treats for my kids and - as a result - eating them.
So, I decided that it was about time that I got back on track.
After a day of generally avoiding the things I meant to avoid. I was so proud of myself for not giving in! (There are always opportunities for giving in at work.) But then there was an after school meeting where they feed you. And they were feeding us pizza and Girl Scout cookies.
The pizza I could resist because I knew that I’d get a headache from the wheat, but the Girl Scout cookies shined like a beacon during that entire meeting.
Finally, at the end I caved - and when I cave, it’s not in moderation. It was 10 cookies of delight. And then the headache. And then I heard myself berating myself for being weak.
“You should have left them alone.”
“Ugh, now you have a headache.”
“You told yourself you wouldn’t do that.”
“You could have stopped with one.”
I would never speak to someone else that way, but I find it perfectly acceptable, normal even, to do that to myself. Over any small thing. Any error that I make, any mis-step, any flaws in my approach to trying something new results in this personal berating. It’s only recently that I’ve acknowledged it, but it’s been happening all of my life.
At times, it’s easier to engage a kinder and gentler coach-type self-talk that reassures me that people are not perfect, that I can always start again in that moment. But it’s generally a hard thing to practice all of the time.
And the thing is, whatever your goal is, being mean to yourself on the way to that goal is not what keeps you in it. That mean part of you that emerges when it happens, that’s just avoidance (a goal-evading tactic) rearing its deceptive head.
You’re mean to yourself after failure, then you avoid the you that’s being mean to yourself because no one wants to be around a mean person - even it’s you. And in order to avoid that mean person, you basically have to avoid the goal that you were working toward in the first place. So, now you have successfully avoided the mean person and also your personal progress. Really, in these situations, being compassionate with yourself and speaking kindly, as you would to a friend, is what pushes you forward.
When you’re kind to yourself, you don’t create an antagonistic relationship with yourself and that gentleness allows you to take part in the natural process of growth - making mistakes and learning from them - and then move forward to keep growing through those mistakes. Instead of hating yourself, you can love that you are taking on something that causes mistakes, which means you are doing something new and outside of your comfort zone which requires both risk and growth! Yay, you!
But it’s SO hard.
So maybe those ten cookies weren’t a mistake after all. They were just part of the path that I can look back on and say, “Remember when I ate those ten cookies and couldn’t control myself? I’ve come so far since then.”
And it’s not always cookies. Sometimes the path that you’re on is about exercising everyday - but you miss a day, or a week or a month. Perhaps you are trying to drink more water each day. Maybe it’s spending less money when you’re bored at home or watching less TV or reading more - and you just fall into old habits for a minute. No matter how long that minute turns out to be, you can always jump back onto the progress toward your goal. Just because it didn’t work out for that period of time, that doesn’t mean that dream or that goal has to go away. Failure and moments of having less discipline are normal! Especially when your goal is a long-term one. But don’t think about that long-term part (that can be scary and defeating too), just focus on right now and the thing you need to do right now to get you back on track and refocused.
And maybe try a different approach. At these meetings, I’ve never moved the cookies to the other side of the table because I always thought I could control myself - maybe it’s time to try moving the cookies. Or in that moment when I feel the impulse to open the cookies, get up and get water or take a breath or tell my neighbor to not let me open the cookies.
We do what we think is the right way to do something, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only way. Making that long-term goal happen means that you’ll need to try ways you haven’t tried before - because if those ways you tried had worked in the past, you would already be at that goal.
So, now it’s a new moment and I’m ready. It’s time to try new ways and get that positive voice going in my mind. Girl Scout cookies (or Peeps, or Cadbury Eggs or Easter candy in general), I’m ready to resist you.
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