I admit it, yesterday was a not so great day. We were freshly home after our five-day beach vacation with our my family. People woke up a little grumpy (including myself) and things were much quieter than they had been at the beach house.
Often, for me, a quieter time leaves plenty of space for the negative stuff to creep in: mean messages to myself, unearthing of old hurts, general negativity for what’s ahead.
What was ahead for the day was a barbecue with our friends to celebrate the Fourth of July. Although I know it’s always fun, my negative space left me not wanting to interact with anyone outside of those I absolutely had to interact with. Minimizing any damage I might do, if you will.
Adding to the negativity was that we were just home from being away. Going to any food-related party (which is every party) I had no plan for what to bring for the kids to eat, since we can never guarantee that there will be food for them to eat at a party (and we really don’t expect others to accommodate for us).
I really wasn’t wanting to put the required energy behind thinking about food.
I just felt UGH. And it had that hopeless feeling to it, like “things are bad and they will always be bad.” It’s so strange when that happens. We just came off of a fantastic vacation and were home in our not-too-hot home, mostly unpacked and back to our normal routine. There was no reason to feel this way.
My first thought was to get rid of the feeling. I started running through all of my usual ideas. It went like this, “Maybe I can avoid all responsibilities and read. Maybe I can get out of going to the party. Maybe I can get away with being super rude to my family. Maybe I should get drunk today.” Once I reached the drinking option, I realized I might not be on the right track.
I decided that I needed to bring in all of my fairly newly learned strategies to deal with them.
- Keep my habits.
Generally, I wake up too early to assess my true feelings in the morning. It’s usually still dark and I’m always a little sleepy eyed. Any feeling assessment at that moment is subject to change, I mean, I’m still kind of asleep! But even if I feel that bad feeling creeping in, I do not use that as an excuse to skip out on the things I need to operate at my best. First, it’s yoga. I kinda dread and put off yoga every day. It’s not my favorite because it invites even more quiet and that is always a challenge for me, but I know that it allows me to have more awareness in my day and take a step back from the chaos to see patterns in myself and my surroundings so I can slow down and make better, more kind decisions. Second, I have to work out. I do have at least one rest day a week, but for most days, working out is part of the day. Working out wakes me up and brings in a positive, warm energy to the start of my day. If I work out and still feel the “ugh,” that’s a sign that it’s more than just my normal waking-up-bad-mood. But my questioning of my mood or feeling tired is not an excuse to get out of doing things that I know are good for me - and are likely to improve my mood.
- Realize that it’s just a feeling and it won’t last forever.
Although it feels like it’s everything, my feeling is just a feeling. It’s not actually a reflection of my life and as my friend says, it’s not existential. My feelings are just feelings and it’s ok to feel them and take my time with them if that’s what’s needed, but if it’s unclear what it’s about and it just feels like a funk, then I don’t need to get lost under it. And if I do start to get lost under it, I have to remind myself that it won’t last forever - even if it feels like it.
- Don’t act on the feeling, just do what is needed.
When the feeling creeps in, I want to disengage from everything and everyone. Giving in to that feeling is just not helpful for overcoming the feeling or for being the kind of wife and mom that I want to be. I took a moment to look around and see what is great about the moment - yesterday it was about the gorgeous weather, that I was going to make progress on my junk room and that it was good to be home. I told Jeff how I was feeling so he would know it’s not him, it’s just a feeling. I did have to keep reminding myself to not let my feeling escape out of my mouth onto my kids or Jeff. If I’m buttering bread and am asked for ice in their water, I can respond calmly. If someone wants a hug while I’m grabbing the ice, I can stop and give a hug. They don’t need to feel shame or hurt because of my psychological turmoil.
- When it feels like all you want do is disengage, don’t.
I woke up not wanting to go anywhere or interact with anyone - in person or digitally. I was annoyed at the idea that I had messages to respond to and people to interact with. But let’s say that I had the option to ignore all of them - which in my mind, was not a cool thing to do - what would I do instead? I would spend time alone and either wallow and spin out even more or numb myself out with movies, books or food. I have to ask myself if that’s what I really want for myself: to live a life spinning out or numbed out. For me, the answer is no. And really, what I know to be true is that when I choose to engage - even when I don’t feel like it- I walk away feeling better and happier and I generally don’t regret it, much like exercising.
- There’s a pattern between things slowing down and this feeling.
This feeling is familiar. Any time that things slow down, the feeling pops in. It has happened in years past during longer school breaks - even before I was married and had kids. When the break was long enough for me to relax, my anxiety would get going and have me obsessing over concerns about students or reliving past negative experiences. I had kind of forgotten about the feeling when we started having kids because they kept me so busy all the time. Now that we are in a slower season because they are more independent, there is more and more opportunity for the feeling to creep in. And I find the feeling creeping in when Jeff is around and I know I have an “out” and can let him care for them - and him being home means that things are even more slow for me because I can take a slower pace, which often means that my mind goes into overdrive on negative things. Or when our pace slows down because school is out or I have extra help, that’s when I can expect this feeling to happen. I don’t wait around for the feeling, but when I feel it, I take a moment to think about the bigger picture and ask myself, “Are things slowing down a bit and that’s causing my mind to create this situation?” Often, the answer is yes. And then I decide on my way forward.
By the end of the night, I could look back on the day with some pride. I felt that feeling coming in and when I recognized it, I was able to move forward in awareness so that it didn’t take over. Instead, I was able to enjoy all of the most perfect parts of my day.
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