Leaving the Baby Haze

Me and Little L.  More selfies = haze lifting

Little L is 11 months old and I’m finally emerging from the baby-haze.  I can tell that I’m emerging because I’m slowly returning to my old self.  I wear jewelry.  I put on makeup (sometimes).  I put together actual “outfits” - not just sweats.  I actually enjoy my husband’s company (sometimes). I am taking time to write and to read FOR FUN! Yikes!

I don’t think I’m the only one who has experienced this baby haze.  It’s not quite the same as baby brain, but I do believe they are related.  

When I’m in the haze, it’s like I’m enveloped in a thick fog.  In the fog, I’m working hard.  I’m trying to keep everything going and balanced.  I’m trying to care for the baby and give each kid the treatment or attention they need.  I’m making sure we have enough food and supplies to keep the house running.  I’m changing diapers, feeding baby, making food, making sure we have everyone’s medicine in stock...

I know J is in the fog too, and that he’s working hard beside me, but I can’t see him.  And I can’t see what he’s working on.  So I feel alone, and that I’m working hard, and that I can’t really see anything else.  And I certainly can’t appreciate the work that J’s doing because I can’t see it!  As a result of this loneliness and the never-ending tiredness, I pick fights, snap easily, lose patience and am overall NOT fun!

When the haze starts to lift, I see that J is beside me and that he is working hard.  I see him changing diapers, taking care of the house and doing things that help balance the workload between the two of us.  

When the haze fully lifts, I can see him clearly.  I can see the things that I love about him.  I can enjoy having a conversation or a hug.  I can remember why I fell in love with him in the first place and see how much fatherhood suits him.  

Now that I’m emerging from my last baby haze, it causes me to look back on the first two.  

With Sweet A, the haze began to lift around ten months.  As she became more independent, I began to bicker less with J.  I felt like our partnership grew and my monster-ness shrank.  From then on, I could feel our marriage and family-ness solidifying.  

I also recognize that with Big L, I may have never emerged from the haze.  I kept checking in with myself around the time he was 10 months old (when I was already six months pregnant with Little L) and asking myself if I felt happier.  I kept trying to convince myself that I was slowly emerging from it, but now that the haze is truly lifting, I realize that it never did lift with Big L.  

Because of Big L’s allergies and slow development (and my pregnancy), his dependence on me kept that haze from lifting.  The longer it took for him to become independent, the longer I was stuck in that limbo between baby and toddlerhood hoping that he would need me less.  The added bonus of being pregnant only added to the fatigue of the time.

For those of you without kids, or with older kids, this may not mean much to you.  However, there are some people living in the haze and thinking this is the way it will be forever; that THIS is how kids change you.  But it probably won’t last forever and this is NOT the way that kids change you. 

 As much as you love your darling baby, pretty soon, you will go back to doing things you enjoyed.  Believe it or not, you may actually enjoy cooking again, or having a date with your spouse, or even (gasp!) going out to dinner with friends!  

And kids do change you and your marriage, but it doesn’t have to  change you into people who fight all the time.  There are tough times when fighting is more common than normal conversation, but if you persist, you might find that as time passes, it’s easier to have normal conversation and to have more patience with each other.  And you’ll see that your marriage has become more about working for the common good of your family - that you created - rather than just two people enjoying each others’ company.  

It is so confusing to live in the haze having people tell us to “enjoy them while they’re young” when it’s possible that life just doesn’t always feel enjoyable.  But the thing is, when the haze lifts, you realize that the haze kept you from seeing that you were climbing a mountain.  Now that you can see, you realize you just survived a very difficult part of your journey with your baby and partner.  You will never have to relive that particular part of your life again.  (You may choose it with another baby, but by then, it will be slightly different!)  

If you are in the haze, hang on! You’re not alone! You are almost there! It will get better!