Truth: In 2019, the obstacle was the path

That’s it. 2019 is over.  I remember last year at this time, I scrolled through social media and saw all of the updates and memes about how horrible 2018 was and how “over it” people were.  I totally identified with that feeling. It had been a surprisingly rough year with lots of unexpected challenges. I was ready to put it behind me and move on to something different.  

Right around that time, we were deciding as a family to start intervening in more preventative ways in Levi’s health.  His anxiety at school was keeping him from participating like the other kids. And at home, he was becoming unbearable. Not only was it difficult to enjoy his company, but he also was refusing basic required interventions for his health (doing his daily lotion regimen or taking medicine, for example). 

Our first step was to finally respect all of Levi’s food allergies as a family. I spent New Year’s Eve last year reading a couple of cook books to better understand how to substitute and where allergens may be hiding in our food.  This change would require scratch cooking and baking with little room for short cuts. Both things had seemed daunting. So daunting that I actually feared making anything from scratch. So, I did what I always do, I did my research, prepared my supplies and then went for it.  

In addition to changing what I cooked, we needed a system to encourage the kids to eat new foods.  We were going from highly processed foods (mac n cheese, chicken nuggets) to more and new vegetables and more and new preparations of meat. Things looked different and for our kids, that was not easy.  The result, though, was that Ana - our pickiest eater - has gone from not wanting to try anything new ever to requesting that this morning’s breakfast be pumpkin donuts. She would never eat anything pumpkin before - even if it was a cake.  After sneaking it to her in a donut recently, she finally is open to trying things even though she initially doesn’t like them. We did the same thing sneaking zucchini and spinach into our Grinch pancakes.  

So, this morning, I’m living out the fruits of this year with our iet: I’m throwing together pumpkin donuts with ingredients we have on hand (because we have these things on hand now) and I even threw together a cinnamon vanilla glaze for our donuts because now I know how to freestyle with icings and glazes.  That’s what 2019 brought to this house! 

What was once the obstacle (really cooking from scratch) now became our tools for success.  The change in our diet changed Levi into a different person within weeks. He went from being wild and argumentative to loving and conscientious. What we thought were small harmless choices had accumulated to some huge issues. 

The interventions didn’t stop with food, though.  

We engaged every specialist we could to help with the behavior issues we saw in Levi (but also in the girls).  He saw a counselor at school, after school, speech therapist, occupational therapist, behavior therapist. If we could get it, we did. 

We learned about anxiety, something I admittedly knew very little about despite having so many students who struggle with it. My fear showed up again because anxiety can look so different for so many people and the “solutions” can be so ambiguous.  What we needed, though, was not to have solutions to the anxiety as much as we needed solutions to the behavior that came from the anxiety (not wanting to put on lotion or take necessary medication - two essential things in Levi’s life). We enlisted a behavior specialist who changed our lives.  She showed us how we were reinforcing some of the negative behaviors we were seeing, which also increased the anxiety and that created a vicious cycle that we could break. She also showed us how to reinforce the positive behaviors to increase the chances of them becoming normal in our lives. She was encouraging and positive and gave us practical solutions that changed our lives immediately.  

In addition to seeking outside help, I started some of the academic intervention at home.  We used what we knew from the behavior specialist to get Levi to engage in the academic activities that he was avoiding at school.  I was so hesitant to give up “my” time to engage with him over academics, but really, it was what was needed. I didn’t want one more thing to do, but it has turned into a real positive as I see him overcome his anxiety each time that we sit down with a pencil in hand.  I’ve seen how proud he is when he does well and reaches a new level and how hard he’s working to try to get it right. Although we encounter many conflicts and engage in argument getting started, this time together has been a real opportunity for me to see Levi and appreciate who he is. 

The obstacle of being busy with all of these doctor’s appointments and schoolwork at home was anxiety inducing for me.  Facing it head on, though, was one of the main reasons we were able to leave 2019 feeling triumphant as we see the successes happening little by little.  

And that’s really it: all of these things we tried, they created a brick road of success.  With each success, we were able to add a brick and pave our way forward. Each time we moved forward, we were adding onto that success.  And the success and all of those bricks together made momentum. In many ways, it created confidence for me. It didn’t mean that I never failed, I failed so many times, but it did mean that when I failed, I was willing to try again (eventually) and it meant that when I succeeded, I was willing to try the next harder thing.  And those next harder things weren’t always related to Levi’s health. They were related to work, relationships, living the life I want to live. And it all started with facing this huge obstacle that I had been avoiding for so long. 

Truth: Getting up early is a gift

Truth: Getting up early is a gift.

Good morning, friends.   It’s 8:20 am as I’m writing this.  I’ve been up for three hours. All three kids are still asleep and my home is blissfully quiet except for the collar shaking of our dogs outside and the hiss of the gas stove heating up my water for tea.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night.  I made the error of taking a late nap, so when I couldn’t sleep, I read my book.  That was my second mistake. Books never put me to sleep, they always keep me up. I was up until 1:45 am reading because the story was getting good. 

When 5 am rolled around and it was time to get up, I was a little groggy, but I got up anyway.  I did my routine: yoga, meditation, workout, shower and now, writing. And I realized, getting up early is actually a gift.  

There are an endless number of people who have remarked about my getting up early that they could never do that or how amazing I am that I do it.  But what they may not realize is that getting up early is a gift. It’s a gift to me, it’s a gift to my kids and it’s a gift to anyone I encounter for the rest of the day.  

I am an introvert.  Having quiet time in my home is a delight to me, but it SO RARELY happens.  Waking up early to do the things that fuel me for the day in the silence of my sleeping home is a gift that I give myself. I give myself the gift of peace and calm in my yoga and meditation.  I give myself the gift of movement and progress toward my goals with my workout. I give myself the gift of less anxiety and more centeredness in my day by taking care of myself first before giving myself away to my kids and their needs.  

And really, getting up early is a gift to my children.  Because I get the peace that I crave, I can show up and really be with them when they do wake up.  I don’t need to rush them along or find a distraction while I finish up whatever I didn’t do. I can prepare us for the day ahead.  Most importantly though, getting up early helps me to be intentional with my day. My goal with my children is to be a patient and loving mother.  In order to make that intention come to life, I need to get my things out of the way first. I need to use my yoga to make distance between me and my emotions so that I’m not constantly reacting to either my kids or my own feelings.  I need to use my workout to bring energy and life to my body and mind. I need my writing time to declutter my mind of ideas.  

Getting up early is also a gift to everyone I encounter that day.  When I work out I challenge myself. That challenge that I bring (and conquer) helps me to go forward into my day with confidence.  It brings me a positive mindset. It helps me to be peaceful with others both in my interactions with them and in the thoughts that I’m having about that interaction.  It helps me to not be as angry and to be more loving: both of which are my goals for how I show up in the world.  

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Getting up early is one of those things that people shrug off as one more thing to do that is not what they want.  It’s hard and they don’t want to do it. And that’s true for me too. But for me, my intentions about who I want to be in the world are more important than not wanting to get out of bed at 5 am on three and a half hours of sleep.  My desire to be a patient and loving person who is joyful starts with me doing hard things, like getting up a little bit earlier.  

Dreaming of Abs

So, this may be the strangest goal I’ve ever shared with anyone: I dream of having a six-pack.

Since I was a teenager, I’ve dreamt of having the lines that criss-cross one’s abdomen.  I was an athlete and worked out harder than I ever had in my life and my stomach was flat, but it was never defined.  I wondered how people did that.

I would occasionally follow one of those ab regimens that are prolific in women’s magazines for a day or two and then drop it.  And then I just figured it wasn’t for people like me. I just wasn’t disciplined on my own back then.

Having defined abs is such a strange and petty goal and it never really was a true goal - it was just a dream.  But I like goals. And if you know me, when I start something, I go all in. I get to the point of satisfaction with my mastery and then I move on to something else.  Sometimes that lasts days, weeks or years. (Prepare yourself, I am currently on a path to learning how to make frosting roses. More on that later.)

Last year though, in preparation for our family’s Hawaii trip, I challenged myself with a longer and more intense workout and started focusing on treating food like fuel instead of a comforter and my body actually started to change.  I couldn’t believe that I was actually getting definition in my abs after having three children and at the age of 37. At that time, my goal was to get to our summer vacation feeling confident in my bikini. And I did.

I was so proud of myself for making the commitment and sticking with it.  Because I started in February and stuck with it until June, it was my longest display of food and exercise related discipline.  

Once we hit the islands, though, it all went out the window.  I continued to work out while we were there, but the food discipline went out the window.  And, as some of my virtual trainers say, “abs are made in the kitchen.”

After Hawaii, I loosely got back into a more disciplined diet, but it wasn’t the same.  Then it was a slow decline leading into the holiday season. After my high school reunion I was even less disciplined.

Once you get into that place where you’ve slowly evolved (or de-volved) away from something that is good for you, it’s hard to remember why you did it in the first place.  And it’s hard to find a new start with it. When you have a delightful piece of cake sitting in front of you, it’s hard to remember that it doesn’t give you the same energy as the healthy snack you conveniently forgot to bring with you - especially when it gives you so much joy in the moment you’re eating it.

As you may remember, the new year was a fresh start for our family eating-wise.  Remember how I said that when I start something, I go all in? Well, that’s what I did for our home diet adjustment.  Over the holidays I studied cookbooks, made lists, did shopping and then January was execution month. Because we were learning our new allergy-friendly lifestyle, my personal nutrition planning took the back burner.  I also had to learn how to adjust my nutrition to our new diet (news flash: it wasn’t hard at all). But the new year also meant lots of appointments trying to get everything sorted out for Levi.

I never stopped working out.  That’s a habit that is actually more part of my mental health than my physical appearance.  I need those moments of sweating and heavy breathing to set myself in the right direction for the day.  But the nutrition piece… that was the part that was missing.

Once things were in place for Levi and we were had momentum and some normalcy around our new life, it was time to turn my focus back to myself.   And so, here I am: five weeks into Mission Ab Definition. And it’s working.

Because I had gone to such a loose diet that involved lots of comfort and convenience eating, there were noticeable changes in the first week.  I don’t weigh myself often, because 1) I don’t want to and 2) my goal is around definition, not the scale. So I take weekly pictures to check my progress.  It’s weird. And I love it.

As with anything, you may see big changes to start and then it slows down and becomes more subtle.  Such is the case with my definition. I am progressing slowly now. And it’s disappointing. Like most, I’d rather see something major happen super fast and then move on and be done with it.  

This goal is a reminder that being consistent over a long(er) period of time is what’s really needed to achieve your goals.  Now, if I don’t meet this goal of mine, it’s no big deal. I’m not skipping out on ALL of the fun stuff and I’m not working out like crazy (just 20 mins a day for now).  If we have a celebratory ice cream because Levi did something major (like get on stage to receive an award) then I participate in that or if we have breakfast for dinner, I eat a pancake with everyone. But all of that is a small snippet of the big picture of eating for me now.  I’m not going to go crazy trying to get the six-pack, but I do want to see what I’m capable of at this point in my life given my parameters (I have to work out at home, I can’t work out for more than an hour, I can’t be hungry all the time). If I can be consistent for a year (which is far beyond 80 days!), it will be interesting to see the results!

My Mother's Day Wishlist

If you're looking for some deep throughs about my wishes for the world or my family, this isn't the post for you. I just know what I want and I like to ask for it and you might be curious about what that is and so here it goes...

Every year on Mother’s Day, I refine what my hopes and dreams are for the day.  My husband loves to give the perfect gift, so I try to accommodate that by letting Jeff know ahead of time what I want.  For some of you, that may sound selfish or demanding or un-spontaneous, but I’d rather ask for what I want than hope for it, not get it and then unconsciously punish Jeff for it. Here’s what i’ve learned over the years about what I want:

1. I need time to be around my family without having to respond to every request.  I want to sit and watch the kids play or watch a show with them without having to stop and get water or get a snack or wipe a bottom. Sometimes Jeff does that single-handedly and sometimes we are with a group of people who help distract the kids so that they don’t think they’re constantly hungry or thirsty or bored.
2. Gifts.  I don’t need gifts.  But I do love the things the kids make.  I love that way more than anything that they could buy for me (to be honest, the things they want to buy are more their style than mine). What I DO love is gifts of service on this day: going to Costco without me, getting my car washed for me, making meals (preferably all day) for me/us.  
3. Speaking of food… I LOVE baked goods.  My deepest desire on any celebration day is to have cake, or pancakes, or muffins, or scones.  I sent Jeff a recipe this year for these delightful looking banana maple donuts (minus the walnuts, of course) and these white chocolate scones.  And since I don’t like being in charge of food on Mother’s Day, Jeff is making dinner.  Mostly, I’m leaving dinner up to him. I don’t actually care what it is as long as I don’t have to decide or cook it.  I did give some pointers on food we have that he could use or cook, but that’s it!
4. I want time alone in my house.  I spend SO much time catering to other people’s desires at work at home, with family and with friends that I want time to decide on something that I want, not something that I think someone else might want too. Being alone at home is a moment of exhale for this introvert and while I love my family and I know there will be many moments of silence when our nest is empty, I do really crave moments of silence in the chaos right now.  And then I want to welcome back the chaos a more replenished person.

Mother’s Day used to be a day of drinking for me.  At that time, it served a purpose. It really got me out of the responsibility of doing lots of things for my kids and gave me the time to sit and relax.  However, it also really took away my awareness at the beauty of the day and left me feeling horrible that night and the next day. It no longer serves me and so it’s no longer part of my celebration.  I totally get that it works for others and that is wonderful, but I realized that my real goal in drinking was to get out of some of the responsibilities that I do from day to day, so now I just ask for those things to be done for me.

I’m lucky to have a husband who really cares about making the weekend a joy to me.  He is attentive and curious about what I want. I’m also lucky that the kids are aware of Mother’s Day and they seem to truly want to make it special for me - including secrecy and “special projects.”

How we retrained our picky eaters

Last night we had a dinner that would typically have remained untouched despite whining, crying, cajoling and pleading.  Honestly, it was delicious: two new recipes - one for meatloaf and the other for roasted potatoes. Two-thirds of the kids finished their dinner while one waved off due to illness - but she tried it and that would NEVER have happened in the past.

“So how do you get your kids to eat?”

It has always been a question that comes up in conversation with other moms.  Sometimes they were asking to find out what our kids eat in general, but more recently, it’s about how we get our kids to try new things (eating more vegetables and eating allergen-free foods).  

When we set out on this allergen-free diet, we had two goals.  The primary goal is to help our son to be healthy. We wanted to reduce his body’s inflammation with the hope of helping him to be more successful in overcoming what he calls being “shy,” while also teaching him how to cook safe and tasty foods for his allergies.  Our secondary goal was to find a way to get the kids to eat cleaner and healthier in general - to break the bad habits we had helped them form.

As you know from an earlier post this year, we started by getting the kids on board.  During a particularly chaotic moment with our son, I talked to the girls about the role that food may be playing in the behavior he was displaying.  I told them that I thought that we should do something as a family to help him and what it would mean for us: that we would have to try new things, be open and not complain.  Knowing our son, if the girls were leading the way, he’d follow along with no problem. I also knew that the girls (and Jeff and I) have some adverse reactions to the same foods that Levi is allergic to, so really this change was not just for Levi, but for the benefit of all of us.

I’ve noticed that over time (mostly since having Levi), I am definitely sensitive to wheat and soy.  Consuming either one can make my stomach hurt and bloat. I have always struggled with headaches. I never was quite sure what caused them, but I’m finding that they are generally caused by pollens and are enhanced when I’m eating things that I’m sensitive to.  My reaction can be as bad as a very painful headache, but it also can show up as morning grogginess. We want Levi on his A-game when he goes to school each day, so knowing that he may be waking up feeling a more intense version of what I experience with my sensitivities, it only makes sense that we would try to help him avoid having to feel that way.

So, as a family, we committed to eating differently. We cut out as much processed food as possible, increased our normal daily vegetable consumption and decreased the amount of processed sugar we are eating (by a lot).

So here’s how we made the shift:

1. New rules.  

We started a star chart for every kid.  In the evening, they could earn a star if they: didn’t complain about dinner, tried everything that was offered and two stars if they ate everything.  These stars accumulated to time on the iPad that evening. (This ended up going away, but was a great way to kickstart our change. It gave us a way to pump up eating differently and reinforce the behavior we wanted.   Now, they are motivated by the treat at the end of the meal - usually treats are only offered after dinner.)

2. Treats.

Every weekend, I make two treats to last us through the week.  It could be a pan of brownies and a cake. Or it could be cupcakes and a bundt cake.  It could be donuts and muffins. This week it’s banana bread and a berry “buttermilk” cake. Those treats can only be consumed after each child has eaten all of their dinner.  We keep the portions fairly small so that they can have seconds of any meal if they want. And we cut off eating at a certain time otherwise they love to work the system and eat all night long. In all of the dinners we’ve had since the beginning of the year (that’s about eight weeks) there have been five times that I can recall that  someone flat out refused to eat dinner. They didn’t like it for some reason and decided that the treat wasn’t worth it so they moved on with life. On the majority of nights, though, our kids are trying things they have never eaten before and they are open to actually eating all of the food they have in front of them. This was a HUGE change for us from before.

3. Cut out (or change) snacks

One of the bloggers I follow suggests that in order to change picky eaters, you have to cut out snacks.  The idea is that without snacks, the kids are hungry for the next meal and will be more willing to try something new. She said she gets a lot of questioning about that.  It was a strategy I was considering depending on how difficult this transition became. Truth be told, I can only tolerate their whining for so long. And it’s winter and rainy here, so there’s no fun outside activity to distract them from their bored snacking.  I decided that I’d do my best to avoid snacking and push the veggies first before allowing the fun snacks. That way, if they want a snack, it’s fine, but I get to choose what it is. If they don’t want it, then they can’t say it wasn’t offered and they must not be hungry after all!

4. The “good” snacks are different

Over the years, we have slowly given in to worse and worse snacks for our kids.  The snacks contained more and more sugar and were more and more processed. Some of this was just out of ease for us, and some of it was giving in to whatever parenting guilt we had.  With our new diet, we had the chance to not only re-evaluate the snacks, but eliminate them based on allergy or general un-wholesomeness. The snacks they get that are the “good” snacks are things like air-popped popcorn, popcorn chips, rice cakes, sweet potato chips, and gluten-free pretzels.  But even with these snacks being somewhat healthier, they are also eating far less of them than before. Because they have to pay the price of eating vegetables first, they will sometimes pass on eating the “good” snack indicating that they weren’t as hungry as they initially thought and maybe were just eating out of boredom.

I always cut up our vegetables right after our trip to Costco.  I keep them in a bin in the fridge so that they can easily be pulled out for snacking.  I try to have a variety of vegetables available, so they can choose the vegetable they want to eat and it’s not always the same vegetable that they always fall back on.  This keeps me from giving in and giving them an easy but unhealthy snack - it makes vegetables just as easy.

5. Don’t give in

It’s really easy when things are busy, or you’re tired or the kids don’t like what’s being served to fall back on old habits.  One of the most important parts of all of this is that I don’t give in to them and what they want, I hang on to what I know is right for us right now.  Mom-guilt often has me giving in to too many sweets or snacks or switching out dinner for something they like more. However, I am the boss here and it’s my job to make sure they’re fueling their bodies properly, so I don’t give in.  There are no substitutions. You don’t like dinner, that’s ok. You have enough body fat to live through the night. You don’t like that choice of vegetable, that’s ok, you can skip treat tonight. In all of the meals we have had since January 7, there have only been a few times when a kid decided it wasn’t worth it to eat the dinner - and it was always something that seemed totally fine.  For example, the kids would eat kale pesto, no problem, but one night Ana would not eat a roasted tomato (which was delicious, by the way!). So weird. But when that happens, we don’t give in and offer something different and we don’t stop making that particular meal. If they don’t like it, we try again a few weeks later - and sometimes they end up liking it later on! But really, not giving in is more about teaching them that they can’t wear us down over time.  If they learn that they can whine their way out of eating something once, they’ll try it again and again and I just can’t take the whining.

When reading about eating back when the kids were toddlers and were super picky, I remember reading that you should serve kids the same things you eat and re-offer disliked foods again and again.  Most of the time, that was too much for me. I couldn’t deal with the arguing, I felt bad because I eat a lot of vegetables and I didn’t want them to have to do that (what weird thinking!). But my mind really shifted this time.  For the limitations that Levi has in his diet, he really does need some eating flexibility if he’s going to live a life of good food. Even without allergies, the same thing is true for the girls: they need a broader base of foods they’re willing to eat, or at least be open to trying new foods.  And now, there is no arguing. Either do it or don’t. And I don’t let their whining or my guilt get the better of me. Eat or don’t eat, that’s their problem, not mine.

One night, Ana was particularly disgusted by dinner. I think it was a soup (and it was a good one!). She didn’t want it for whatever reason and I didn’t budge that she could not replace soup with leftover pasta.  She cried and cried and sulked and came back and cried. Ultimately, she was hungry, she said. When she came back to the table for the final time, she basically pleaded that she should be able to eat the cut up vegetables in the fridge (that are reserved for snacking) for dinner instead and that she knew she would not be able to have a treat.  I was willing to give in to that, I mean NEVER in her life had she requested so vehemently that she at least be able to eat raw vegetables so that she would not be hungry. Never. It was a testament to how different our life is now and I still can’t believe it.

(Still) Putting the work into our marriage

A few years ago, I wrote a  blog post about the work that goes into marriage.  That idea of putting work into marriage is on my mind often.  I remember as an unmarried person (over a decade ago!) wondering what it meant to put work into your marriage/relationship.  I didn’t understand it. I mean, you like the person and you just show up and exist together. How hard could that be?

The thing is, it can be very hard.  Living in the same space together, making parenting decisions together, consistently carrying out all of the decisions you’ve made and keeping things afloat (bills, schedules, meals, appointments) and growing as individuals can create both busy-ness and tension.  

Life in a family with (in our case) three children is hectic.  There is hardly any time to have conversation let alone to have the conversations that matter to your relationship.  

And it’s all tiring!  So you escape to social media, television, or reading to give yourself a little break.  It is SO easy to slowly drift away from each other even when you sleep right next to each other every night.

No marriage is ever as perfect as it seems from the outside, but I suspect that the people in successful marriages are constantly putting in the work. The more time I spend learning about it, the more I think that this is part of what that work might look like.

1. They know each other's’ love languages and they speak them regularly and fluently.  

If you haven’t heard about the five love languages, you should check out this book or listen to this podcast.  Author and marriage counselor Gary Chapman took years of research as a marriage counselor and years of hearing people say, “She/He just doesn’t love me” to write a book about the ways that people like to feel loved.  He narrows it down to five love languages: physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and gifts. Often people show love in their love language, but if that love language is not shared by their partner (which it probably is not) then the partner does not perceive the love intended by the act that was given.  In other words, you may be doing something to express your love for your spouse and they may not feel the love that you are intending.

2. They have a mindfulness practice.

Knowing the benefits of mindfulness, I have struggled to maintain a consistent mindfulness practice.  Now that I have been very disciplined in doing my yoga and mindfulness practice at home every day for almost a year, I see the major difference it has made for me.  It allows me to step back and decide how I want to behave rather than go with the first knee-jerk reaction I have. And even when I fall into the rut of behaving in a way that I don’t want to (reacting with impatience, anger, etc.), I recognize it faster and can change my behavior or at least apologize more quickly.  These practices have GREATLY impacted my ability to give myself feedback on my listening, patience, hard-headedness, and happiness - especially when it comes to Jeff. The awareness created in this practice has helped me to listen, be present and be a better partner/mother/teacher/friend. The biggest change in this last year that helped me to be consistent in mindfulness: I had someone to talk to about it who already had a successful practice going.  I could ask if I was doing it “right” or I got feedback that they could see a difference and they constantly made suggestions about my next steps. So if you decide to start a mindfulness practice (there are lots of great apps out there) or if you are already doing something even if it doesn’t feel like it’s going right, it probably is - just don’t quit - and find someone you can talk to about it. (I’m here!)

3. They listen.

This is probably one of the most challenging parts of being together for a long time.  Things get chaotic. We are distracted. The chores need doing. That TV show needs watching.  We forget to stop and understand what the other is saying. Or when we do listen, we listen to respond, not to hear them and why they are sharing whatever they’re sharing. Just listen to understand. Be open to what they are sharing about themselves with you.  But mostly, put down your phone, pause your podcast, stop the episode and just hear what they are saying while looking at their face.

4. They grow personally.

It can feel selfish to focus on yourself, especially among the chaos of kids and life.  The thing is we bring our best when we are our best. But our best changes. What was our best six months ago (or even yesterday) may not be our best today. You may be ready to grow into the person you are still becoming.   And, more importantly, THIS IS YOUR LIFE. Why not live to be the biggest and best version of yourself that can be? Primarily, I push myself to make and meet goals for myself, however, my marriage benefits as a result.  My personal growth path has helped me to be more compassionate, remove my own negativity from our interactions, see things differently and be more loving.

Personal growth looks different for everyone, but for me, it’s reading inspiring books (The Five Love Languages, The Four Agreements, The Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work, Girl, Wash your Face).  But it could be listening to inspiring podcasts, attending a conference, going to therapy, learning something new (yoga, playing checkers, a language).  Growing yourself doesn’t mean you need to drag your spouse along. They may want to join you in growth (or they may not), but whatever benefits you get out of that growth will overflow onto your marriage and make it stronger. In this case, like most, it’s about you and focusing on yourself which will ultimately help your relationship.

5. Be a treasure.

This is possibly the weirdest and best thing I ever tried.  I can’t even believe that I use the words “be a treasure.” It sounds so corny, but, honestly, this was a life-changing revelation for me.  Keep in mind, I am often not a treasure, so this was tough and requires constant awareness (I’m growing!). After having a conversation with a friend about their observations of another person’s marriage, we were discussing how partners often punish each other for their past wrongs.  They bring those past wrongs into their present interactions. Here’s an example: let’s say that Jeff forgot to change the knobs on the kids’ play kitchen like I had asked. And that was yesterday. Today, I see those old broken knobs and I’m pissed because he didn’t do what he said he’d do.  Today, I might punish him by angrily confronting him about it, making a passive aggressive comment or I might speak to him in a rude tone when he asks me a question about our plans today. (Let’s be real, I’m likely to do all three.)

So after having this conversation with my friend, I asked myself, what if I just decided that I wanted to be a treasure? What if I wanted to be someone that Jeff might enjoy being around?  

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean being fake.  I will still be honest with Jeff about how I’m feeling or what frustrates me, but I do my best to stop and stay it in the kindest way that I can manage.  Like maybe the way I’d speak to a colleague at work that I was having conflict with.

What I have found when I do this is that 1) he hears me 2) to be kind, I have to recognize that he’s just a person doing his best too, so my mindset around who he is changes 3) I see how ridiculous some of my complaints are in the grand scheme of things.

The best thing about it: he responds.  If you know Jeff, he loves to be happy and optimistic.  Every day, I was making him have to work hard to maintain his happy and optimistic attitude.  But as I’ve recognized my role in our dysfunctions, I’ve done my best and he has responded. His mood is lighter. We are taking more opportunities to connect rather than push away.  

Don’t get me wrong on any of this.  Your partner also has a role in making a marriage work, but I know that I am only responsible for me and my part in this relationship. Every step along the way, I have been transparent with Jeff about my intentions.  His awareness helps him to be supportive and open to responding in a positive way. Even if he didn’t respond positively, I must live a life that I am happy with and I’ve chosen to go all in with my part in this relationship because I want to live big and I don’t want to leave anything on the table when it comes to my well-being and the well-being of my marriage and family.

Don't believe your tricky, tricky mind

I think about my mind a lot these days.  

In my morning meditation, it loves to be active and think.  It has ALL kinds of things to think about. As I’m trying to keep my mind clear, it wonders if I remembered to set Ana’s alarm (I did) or if they make bundt containers to store your bundt cake (they do) or if there’s enough bacon for breakfast-for-dinner tonight (there is). All of these urgent thoughts come into my mind that really, really do feel urgent.  And as soon as meditation is done… those thoughts are gone.

Why am I heading toward the kids’ room?

What was it that I wanted to check Amazon for?

What was in the freezer that I wanted to check?

And then I realize I’ve been fooled by my mind.  That tricky, tricky mind.

I think that many times we rely on our logic and our thinking to be our friend.  We count on it to help us understand our world or to know the right thing to do or to get work done. But our minds are a bit unreliable.  

They are like little puppies at the end of a leash: so full of energy, tugging this way and that.  It scrambles to the next conclusion (that may be built on faulty perceptions) and it runs about uncontrolled yanking us all over the place dragging us along with it.  

Not only does it trick us into spending our energy on trivial things, it can also trick us into dark, dark places.  It can play over and over messages that we let ourselves have that don’t really belong to us. Things like: you’re not good enough, you don’t deserve this, that person hates you.  You get the picture.

It can also make us relive a scene in our lives that our perception has distorted to make us look like a bad person.  You know, that highlight reel of all of your past mistakes and wrongs that goes on and on long after you should have fallen asleep?  That’s your tricky mind.

But we believe our minds because it’s our mind! We need it to think and reason and make decisions.

But what we really need is to control that puppy.  Remind it that the time for thinking of bundt-shaped containers is later, that those negative messages are not for me and instead, we are going to listen to positive messages.  Your mind always thinks it knows best - like that untamed puppy - but YOU actually know what’s best. A walk is meant to be a walk, not a pull, so it’s time for you to teach that puppy how to slow it down and walk. Sniffing and wandering is fine, but that’s not the purpose at this moment, the purpose is to have a calm and relaxed walk.  

For your mind, all that wandering is something to do and it’s fun, but it’s not meant to do that ALL the time. It’s meant to spend time BEING and it’s meant to be aware. It’s meant to appreciate the beauty around you in every moment of your day.  

In our busy lives, it’s easy to forget that there is magic and beauty everywhere, but it’s there.  Even in that screaming toddler, there is beauty in that. How beautiful is it that his or her forming mind is so strong that it believes that having ice cream at 10pm is a battle that must be won?  Although it can be frustrating in the moment, the silliness of it all is quite beautiful.

The beauty of a leaf always mystifies me.  But a leaf is a piece of life that is made to absorb sunlight and turn it into food for it’s plant.  And leaves are so beautifully symmetrical; they’re unique and built for the job that they do.

There’s definitely beauty in the way that the sun looks on any given sunrise or sunset.  We are often so lost in our tasks and our thinking that we don’t even pause to look and appreciate the play of the light on the sky, but it was there just being beautiful on it’s own.

We have to train our mind to see these beautiful things. We need to see them when we’re angry or sad, or see them when we are bored.  We need to see them when our mind is caught up taking us on a wild goose chase about our own worth.

You get to do that.  YOU are in charge of your mind.  When your mind wanders off from your task, you get to gently remind it what it should be doing.  (But be gentle, there’s no need to be mean to part of yourself, even if it is being tricky.) And when those thoughts come to mind, which are likely irrational and totally untrue, you get to tell your mind to stop and try something different.  You can replace it with fact: I am good enough. I was made perfect just the way I am. I am uniquely me. I am loveable (imperfect, but worthy of love).

Our minds are wonderful - and also tricky.  We can’t allow ourselves to constantly fall prey to its tricks.  Especially, when those tricks deceive us into avoiding things that are good for us: things like eating healthy food, taking the time to not think, loving ourselves as we are.  When it starts taking us down the dark and self-defeating path of self-hate, we have to train ourselves to get our minds of that path. It’s not a path meant for us. The path that’s meant for us is one of gratitude and self-love. We’re meant for a big and beautiful life and you get to help your mind take you there.