Truth: It's a funky time

I have to admit it. I’ve been in a funk.  I keep asking myself what is creating my funk: is it being overwhelmed by Levi’s needs? Is it the beginning of the school year? Is it the things I’m feeding myself with (food, music, movies, social media)? Is it exercise? Is it the people I’m surrounding myself with? Is it something more? 

And last night, in the most unlikely place in conversation at Jeff’s college reunion, I figured it out: it’s that I’m growing.  

I know, I’m almost 40 (almost 40!!!) and I’m growing.  And it’s painful and it’s tiring. I’m always pushing myself to grow, but it’s always been incremental.  This year, I came into the year with intentions and areas of focus that (I didn’t realize at the time) are in a particular weak area of mine. And now that I’m trying and failing, it’s been tough on my mind.  I find myself sinking into some real negative self talk: Susan, you suck. You are in over your head. You can’t do this. You’ll never be good at this.  

And it’s messed up! I’d never let anyone else speak to me that way.  And I’d never talk to a friend that way. And yet, here I am feeding myself these horrible words.  

And what’s worse: no one knows.  When I let Jeff in on these things (which is not often), he is a real voice of love and reason.  His words are worth feasting on: “Well, Susan, you can’t expect to be great at something that you are doing for the first time,”  “You have to give yourself time to learn.” But I don’t always share this with him or with anyone else, so I’m left drowning in a sea of negative messages that I’m creating for myself - even though I'm surrounded by love.

All of these areas that I’m growing in  are a part of a bigger vision that I have for my life to be more vulnerable, more risk-taking in relationships and more "in" for the things that I think are my things: connection and collaboration.  

And expanding beyond my areas of comfort in connection and collaboration is very difficult.  

On the work front, it’s trying to collaborate with parents to increase engagement for students. 

On the home front, it’s sharing the responsibility of Levi’s care with Jeff and finding a way to do that in harmony.

On the social front, I’m opening myself up to new friendships. 

On the leadership front, I’m stepping up in areas that I never had the intention of stepping up in and having to both build relationships from scratch and manage the tasks of the job. I’m trying to participate in meaningful ways and struggling to figure out what I can contribute.  

All of these things involve putting myself out there and failing and learning how to do it better the next time.  And that space in between the failure and the next time is HARD. And it has involved a lot of tears. I keep trying to blame the tears on hormones, but that’s really not it, it’s me sinking back into my old fixed ways and forgetting that failure is part of the path.  And failure is the thing that is going to take me to the next destination. And without that failure, I’m just in my comfort zone doing the same things I was before. And that would be devastating because I want to LIVE LIFE.  

And last night, I was surrounded by people I hadn’t seen in ten years.  People who aren’t even really MY friends. They are Jeff’s friends. But because they love Jeff and because they have such beautiful hearts, they love me too.  And they reminded me that who I am right now in this growth spurt is still fine. It’s a me that is still worth loving and embracing and engaging with. And they see me - mostly through social media due to distance - but they still see me and it’s not just for being Jeff’s wife.  

And it helped me to see that the people in my life now also see me and they’re not seeing failure.  The failure is something that exists in my mind and is hanging over me like a dark cloud. But it’s just failure.  It doesn’t even exist. It’s a thing that happened and didn’t go so well and now it’s time to go forward and leave that cloud where it started and recognize that who I am is fine and worth loving. 

I was seeing me as the failure.  As someone who is struggling to get it right.  But I actually AM still getting some right. And maybe those are the things that matter: showing up for my kids, coaching soccer, teaching my students, surrounding myself with good, reliably loving people. 

I was always getting it right.  And soon I’ll be getting it right in different ways.  

My Mother's Day Wishlist

If you're looking for some deep throughs about my wishes for the world or my family, this isn't the post for you. I just know what I want and I like to ask for it and you might be curious about what that is and so here it goes...

Every year on Mother’s Day, I refine what my hopes and dreams are for the day.  My husband loves to give the perfect gift, so I try to accommodate that by letting Jeff know ahead of time what I want.  For some of you, that may sound selfish or demanding or un-spontaneous, but I’d rather ask for what I want than hope for it, not get it and then unconsciously punish Jeff for it. Here’s what i’ve learned over the years about what I want:

1. I need time to be around my family without having to respond to every request.  I want to sit and watch the kids play or watch a show with them without having to stop and get water or get a snack or wipe a bottom. Sometimes Jeff does that single-handedly and sometimes we are with a group of people who help distract the kids so that they don’t think they’re constantly hungry or thirsty or bored.
2. Gifts.  I don’t need gifts.  But I do love the things the kids make.  I love that way more than anything that they could buy for me (to be honest, the things they want to buy are more their style than mine). What I DO love is gifts of service on this day: going to Costco without me, getting my car washed for me, making meals (preferably all day) for me/us.  
3. Speaking of food… I LOVE baked goods.  My deepest desire on any celebration day is to have cake, or pancakes, or muffins, or scones.  I sent Jeff a recipe this year for these delightful looking banana maple donuts (minus the walnuts, of course) and these white chocolate scones.  And since I don’t like being in charge of food on Mother’s Day, Jeff is making dinner.  Mostly, I’m leaving dinner up to him. I don’t actually care what it is as long as I don’t have to decide or cook it.  I did give some pointers on food we have that he could use or cook, but that’s it!
4. I want time alone in my house.  I spend SO much time catering to other people’s desires at work at home, with family and with friends that I want time to decide on something that I want, not something that I think someone else might want too. Being alone at home is a moment of exhale for this introvert and while I love my family and I know there will be many moments of silence when our nest is empty, I do really crave moments of silence in the chaos right now.  And then I want to welcome back the chaos a more replenished person.

Mother’s Day used to be a day of drinking for me.  At that time, it served a purpose. It really got me out of the responsibility of doing lots of things for my kids and gave me the time to sit and relax.  However, it also really took away my awareness at the beauty of the day and left me feeling horrible that night and the next day. It no longer serves me and so it’s no longer part of my celebration.  I totally get that it works for others and that is wonderful, but I realized that my real goal in drinking was to get out of some of the responsibilities that I do from day to day, so now I just ask for those things to be done for me.

I’m lucky to have a husband who really cares about making the weekend a joy to me.  He is attentive and curious about what I want. I’m also lucky that the kids are aware of Mother’s Day and they seem to truly want to make it special for me - including secrecy and “special projects.”