A few years ago, I wrote a blog post about the work that goes into marriage. That idea of putting work into marriage is on my mind often. I remember as an unmarried person (over a decade ago!) wondering what it meant to put work into your marriage/relationship. I didn’t understand it. I mean, you like the person and you just show up and exist together. How hard could that be?
The thing is, it can be very hard. Living in the same space together, making parenting decisions together, consistently carrying out all of the decisions you’ve made and keeping things afloat (bills, schedules, meals, appointments) and growing as individuals can create both busy-ness and tension.
Life in a family with (in our case) three children is hectic. There is hardly any time to have conversation let alone to have the conversations that matter to your relationship.
And it’s all tiring! So you escape to social media, television, or reading to give yourself a little break. It is SO easy to slowly drift away from each other even when you sleep right next to each other every night.
No marriage is ever as perfect as it seems from the outside, but I suspect that the people in successful marriages are constantly putting in the work. The more time I spend learning about it, the more I think that this is part of what that work might look like.
- They know each other's’ love languages and they speak them regularly and fluently.
If you haven’t heard about the five love languages, you should check out this book or listen to this podcast. Author and marriage counselor Gary Chapman took years of research as a marriage counselor and years of hearing people say, “She/He just doesn’t love me” to write a book about the ways that people like to feel loved. He narrows it down to five love languages: physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and gifts. Often people show love in their love language, but if that love language is not shared by their partner (which it probably is not) then the partner does not perceive the love intended by the act that was given. In other words, you may be doing something to express your love for your spouse and they may not feel the love that you are intending.
- They have a mindfulness practice.
Knowing the benefits of mindfulness, I have struggled to maintain a consistent mindfulness practice. Now that I have been very disciplined in doing my yoga and mindfulness practice at home every day for almost a year, I see the major difference it has made for me. It allows me to step back and decide how I want to behave rather than go with the first knee-jerk reaction I have. And even when I fall into the rut of behaving in a way that I don’t want to (reacting with impatience, anger, etc.), I recognize it faster and can change my behavior or at least apologize more quickly. These practices have GREATLY impacted my ability to give myself feedback on my listening, patience, hard-headedness, and happiness - especially when it comes to Jeff. The awareness created in this practice has helped me to listen, be present and be a better partner/mother/teacher/friend. The biggest change in this last year that helped me to be consistent in mindfulness: I had someone to talk to about it who already had a successful practice going. I could ask if I was doing it “right” or I got feedback that they could see a difference and they constantly made suggestions about my next steps. So if you decide to start a mindfulness practice (there are lots of great apps out there) or if you are already doing something even if it doesn’t feel like it’s going right, it probably is - just don’t quit - and find someone you can talk to about it. (I’m here!)
- They listen.
This is probably one of the most challenging parts of being together for a long time. Things get chaotic. We are distracted. The chores need doing. That TV show needs watching. We forget to stop and understand what the other is saying. Or when we do listen, we listen to respond, not to hear them and why they are sharing whatever they’re sharing. Just listen to understand. Be open to what they are sharing about themselves with you. But mostly, put down your phone, pause your podcast, stop the episode and just hear what they are saying while looking at their face.
- They grow personally.
It can feel selfish to focus on yourself, especially among the chaos of kids and life. The thing is we bring our best when we are our best. But our best changes. What was our best six months ago (or even yesterday) may not be our best today. You may be ready to grow into the person you are still becoming. And, more importantly, THIS IS YOUR LIFE. Why not live to be the biggest and best version of yourself that can be? Primarily, I push myself to make and meet goals for myself, however, my marriage benefits as a result. My personal growth path has helped me to be more compassionate, remove my own negativity from our interactions, see things differently and be more loving.
Personal growth looks different for everyone, but for me, it’s reading inspiring books (The Five Love Languages, The Four Agreements, The Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work, Girl, Wash your Face). But it could be listening to inspiring podcasts, attending a conference, going to therapy, learning something new (yoga, playing checkers, a language). Growing yourself doesn’t mean you need to drag your spouse along. They may want to join you in growth (or they may not), but whatever benefits you get out of that growth will overflow onto your marriage and make it stronger. In this case, like most, it’s about you and focusing on yourself which will ultimately help your relationship.
- Be a treasure.
This is possibly the weirdest and best thing I ever tried. I can’t even believe that I use the words “be a treasure.” It sounds so corny, but, honestly, this was a life-changing revelation for me. Keep in mind, I am often not a treasure, so this was tough and requires constant awareness (I’m growing!). After having a conversation with a friend about their observations of another person’s marriage, we were discussing how partners often punish each other for their past wrongs. They bring those past wrongs into their present interactions. Here’s an example: let’s say that Jeff forgot to change the knobs on the kids’ play kitchen like I had asked. And that was yesterday. Today, I see those old broken knobs and I’m pissed because he didn’t do what he said he’d do. Today, I might punish him by angrily confronting him about it, making a passive aggressive comment or I might speak to him in a rude tone when he asks me a question about our plans today. (Let’s be real, I’m likely to do all three.)
So after having this conversation with my friend, I asked myself, what if I just decided that I wanted to be a treasure? What if I wanted to be someone that Jeff might enjoy being around?
Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean being fake. I will still be honest with Jeff about how I’m feeling or what frustrates me, but I do my best to stop and stay it in the kindest way that I can manage. Like maybe the way I’d speak to a colleague at work that I was having conflict with.
What I have found when I do this is that 1) he hears me 2) to be kind, I have to recognize that he’s just a person doing his best too, so my mindset around who he is changes 3) I see how ridiculous some of my complaints are in the grand scheme of things.
The best thing about it: he responds. If you know Jeff, he loves to be happy and optimistic. Every day, I was making him have to work hard to maintain his happy and optimistic attitude. But as I’ve recognized my role in our dysfunctions, I’ve done my best and he has responded. His mood is lighter. We are taking more opportunities to connect rather than push away.
Don’t get me wrong on any of this. Your partner also has a role in making a marriage work, but I know that I am only responsible for me and my part in this relationship. Every step along the way, I have been transparent with Jeff about my intentions. His awareness helps him to be supportive and open to responding in a positive way. Even if he didn’t respond positively, I must live a life that I am happy with and I’ve chosen to go all in with my part in this relationship because I want to live big and I don’t want to leave anything on the table when it comes to my well-being and the well-being of my marriage and family.
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