Truth: It's a funky time

I have to admit it. I’ve been in a funk.  I keep asking myself what is creating my funk: is it being overwhelmed by Levi’s needs? Is it the beginning of the school year? Is it the things I’m feeding myself with (food, music, movies, social media)? Is it exercise? Is it the people I’m surrounding myself with? Is it something more? 

And last night, in the most unlikely place in conversation at Jeff’s college reunion, I figured it out: it’s that I’m growing.  

I know, I’m almost 40 (almost 40!!!) and I’m growing.  And it’s painful and it’s tiring. I’m always pushing myself to grow, but it’s always been incremental.  This year, I came into the year with intentions and areas of focus that (I didn’t realize at the time) are in a particular weak area of mine. And now that I’m trying and failing, it’s been tough on my mind.  I find myself sinking into some real negative self talk: Susan, you suck. You are in over your head. You can’t do this. You’ll never be good at this.  

And it’s messed up! I’d never let anyone else speak to me that way.  And I’d never talk to a friend that way. And yet, here I am feeding myself these horrible words.  

And what’s worse: no one knows.  When I let Jeff in on these things (which is not often), he is a real voice of love and reason.  His words are worth feasting on: “Well, Susan, you can’t expect to be great at something that you are doing for the first time,”  “You have to give yourself time to learn.” But I don’t always share this with him or with anyone else, so I’m left drowning in a sea of negative messages that I’m creating for myself - even though I'm surrounded by love.

All of these areas that I’m growing in  are a part of a bigger vision that I have for my life to be more vulnerable, more risk-taking in relationships and more "in" for the things that I think are my things: connection and collaboration.  

And expanding beyond my areas of comfort in connection and collaboration is very difficult.  

On the work front, it’s trying to collaborate with parents to increase engagement for students. 

On the home front, it’s sharing the responsibility of Levi’s care with Jeff and finding a way to do that in harmony.

On the social front, I’m opening myself up to new friendships. 

On the leadership front, I’m stepping up in areas that I never had the intention of stepping up in and having to both build relationships from scratch and manage the tasks of the job. I’m trying to participate in meaningful ways and struggling to figure out what I can contribute.  

All of these things involve putting myself out there and failing and learning how to do it better the next time.  And that space in between the failure and the next time is HARD. And it has involved a lot of tears. I keep trying to blame the tears on hormones, but that’s really not it, it’s me sinking back into my old fixed ways and forgetting that failure is part of the path.  And failure is the thing that is going to take me to the next destination. And without that failure, I’m just in my comfort zone doing the same things I was before. And that would be devastating because I want to LIVE LIFE.  

And last night, I was surrounded by people I hadn’t seen in ten years.  People who aren’t even really MY friends. They are Jeff’s friends. But because they love Jeff and because they have such beautiful hearts, they love me too.  And they reminded me that who I am right now in this growth spurt is still fine. It’s a me that is still worth loving and embracing and engaging with. And they see me - mostly through social media due to distance - but they still see me and it’s not just for being Jeff’s wife.  

And it helped me to see that the people in my life now also see me and they’re not seeing failure.  The failure is something that exists in my mind and is hanging over me like a dark cloud. But it’s just failure.  It doesn’t even exist. It’s a thing that happened and didn’t go so well and now it’s time to go forward and leave that cloud where it started and recognize that who I am is fine and worth loving. 

I was seeing me as the failure.  As someone who is struggling to get it right.  But I actually AM still getting some right. And maybe those are the things that matter: showing up for my kids, coaching soccer, teaching my students, surrounding myself with good, reliably loving people. 

I was always getting it right.  And soon I’ll be getting it right in different ways.  

Opening Your Circle

I had the experience of chaperoning my daughter’s second grade field trip a few weeks ago.  From the kid side, it was everything you’d expect it to be: a little chaotic, very energetic and lots of boundaries being pushed.  One thing that I hadn’t really expected was the adult dynamics.

I’m a working mom.  I teach full time, which means that during most of the time that my kids are at school, I’m at school too.  So, volunteering in the classroom and going on field trips is a pretty unlikely thing. On the rare occasion that I’ve done drop off or pick up there are other parents there.  Most of them are moms and some are dads. Most people keep to themselves or they chat with their friend. If a new person walks up, they may acknowledge them, but they probably don’t.  All of this is complicated by the fact that my kids are in a Two Way Bilingual Immersion (TWBI) program, which means that half of the families in the class speak Spanish as their first language (and may not speak English).

Such was the case on this field trip.  We were a tad bit late, so the class was already assembled in the classroom.  A few parents were lingering about. Teacher was explaining to a few parents what to do. As the late person, I tried to assimilate and pick up any info that I could.  

As more parents trickled in, I noticed that no one really introduced each other even when they obviously didn’t know each other.  And those who did know each other gravitated toward each other.

Since we had different arrival times and the kids were in the background excitedly anticipating our departure, there wasn’t really an opportunity to initiate a meet and greet that would distract students and add to the din.

And I was tired.  As we all are. I had no coffee because I was outside of my normal routine and I felt a bit like a freshly pressed zombie.  

So for those first twenty minutes, I just tried to stay out of the way.  And I watched. It felt like my moment to fit in or meet people had passed.  And I was grumpy, so I was ready to put on my “screw everyone” attitude.

And then I remembered that my goal this year is to live.  I don’t want to sit in the sidelines and watch things unfold as a spectator. I want to get out there and be a part of the action.  

As hard as it was, I softened my face and tried to ease the scowl away.  I opened up my mind and relaxed my shoulders. Once we got moving, I approached a mom and introduced myself.  Then once we got on the bus, I introduced myself to someone else.

Now, small talk is NOT my forte, but I did my best.  And that’s what living is. It’s doing your best, learning from it and moving on.  It may have been a total failure or they may have found me annoying or they may have hated me from the start, but that part isn’t my business.  What is my business is how I choose to act in my life. If I don’t want to be a bystander in my life, I have to take awkward risks. And then I have to release it.  I can’t go back and analyze every little comment and gesture. Whatever happened in that moment was just a moment and it was a learning moment.

Looking back now, I wish I had been riskier.  I wish I had approached each parent, even those who didn’t speak English and at least introduced myself.  These things are awkward and always will be, but I have to trust that I belong there too and that I have something to offer.  

When you look at your life, are you bystanding or are you playing the game?  I know there are moments when bystanding is the best you can do, but if you find yourself repeatedly doing so and being a passive participant, you might be missing out on the fun - or better yet, the awkwardness of living. Maybe it's time to open your circle to include someone new.

Dreaming of Abs

So, this may be the strangest goal I’ve ever shared with anyone: I dream of having a six-pack.

Since I was a teenager, I’ve dreamt of having the lines that criss-cross one’s abdomen.  I was an athlete and worked out harder than I ever had in my life and my stomach was flat, but it was never defined.  I wondered how people did that.

I would occasionally follow one of those ab regimens that are prolific in women’s magazines for a day or two and then drop it.  And then I just figured it wasn’t for people like me. I just wasn’t disciplined on my own back then.

Having defined abs is such a strange and petty goal and it never really was a true goal - it was just a dream.  But I like goals. And if you know me, when I start something, I go all in. I get to the point of satisfaction with my mastery and then I move on to something else.  Sometimes that lasts days, weeks or years. (Prepare yourself, I am currently on a path to learning how to make frosting roses. More on that later.)

Last year though, in preparation for our family’s Hawaii trip, I challenged myself with a longer and more intense workout and started focusing on treating food like fuel instead of a comforter and my body actually started to change.  I couldn’t believe that I was actually getting definition in my abs after having three children and at the age of 37. At that time, my goal was to get to our summer vacation feeling confident in my bikini. And I did.

I was so proud of myself for making the commitment and sticking with it.  Because I started in February and stuck with it until June, it was my longest display of food and exercise related discipline.  

Once we hit the islands, though, it all went out the window.  I continued to work out while we were there, but the food discipline went out the window.  And, as some of my virtual trainers say, “abs are made in the kitchen.”

After Hawaii, I loosely got back into a more disciplined diet, but it wasn’t the same.  Then it was a slow decline leading into the holiday season. After my high school reunion I was even less disciplined.

Once you get into that place where you’ve slowly evolved (or de-volved) away from something that is good for you, it’s hard to remember why you did it in the first place.  And it’s hard to find a new start with it. When you have a delightful piece of cake sitting in front of you, it’s hard to remember that it doesn’t give you the same energy as the healthy snack you conveniently forgot to bring with you - especially when it gives you so much joy in the moment you’re eating it.

As you may remember, the new year was a fresh start for our family eating-wise.  Remember how I said that when I start something, I go all in? Well, that’s what I did for our home diet adjustment.  Over the holidays I studied cookbooks, made lists, did shopping and then January was execution month. Because we were learning our new allergy-friendly lifestyle, my personal nutrition planning took the back burner.  I also had to learn how to adjust my nutrition to our new diet (news flash: it wasn’t hard at all). But the new year also meant lots of appointments trying to get everything sorted out for Levi.

I never stopped working out.  That’s a habit that is actually more part of my mental health than my physical appearance.  I need those moments of sweating and heavy breathing to set myself in the right direction for the day.  But the nutrition piece… that was the part that was missing.

Once things were in place for Levi and we were had momentum and some normalcy around our new life, it was time to turn my focus back to myself.   And so, here I am: five weeks into Mission Ab Definition. And it’s working.

Because I had gone to such a loose diet that involved lots of comfort and convenience eating, there were noticeable changes in the first week.  I don’t weigh myself often, because 1) I don’t want to and 2) my goal is around definition, not the scale. So I take weekly pictures to check my progress.  It’s weird. And I love it.

As with anything, you may see big changes to start and then it slows down and becomes more subtle.  Such is the case with my definition. I am progressing slowly now. And it’s disappointing. Like most, I’d rather see something major happen super fast and then move on and be done with it.  

This goal is a reminder that being consistent over a long(er) period of time is what’s really needed to achieve your goals.  Now, if I don’t meet this goal of mine, it’s no big deal. I’m not skipping out on ALL of the fun stuff and I’m not working out like crazy (just 20 mins a day for now).  If we have a celebratory ice cream because Levi did something major (like get on stage to receive an award) then I participate in that or if we have breakfast for dinner, I eat a pancake with everyone. But all of that is a small snippet of the big picture of eating for me now.  I’m not going to go crazy trying to get the six-pack, but I do want to see what I’m capable of at this point in my life given my parameters (I have to work out at home, I can’t work out for more than an hour, I can’t be hungry all the time). If I can be consistent for a year (which is far beyond 80 days!), it will be interesting to see the results!

Becoming a mom: A convenient way to become small

Having kids made it so easy, though to shrink back from the things that were a bit of a challenge and let my fear grow, which caused me to become even smaller.

Becoming a mother was really of my ultimate dreams.  I was going to have a job, get married and have kids.  That summed up what I wanted for my life. I think that’s fairly general and uncreative desire.  So, maybe my dreams didn’t start out all that big to begin with. I chalk that up to my own self-doubt (that I continue to struggle with).  

We have three kids.  Three sounds like a manageable number, but let me tell you, it often feels like one million kids.  Ours are close in age (currently ages 8, 6 and 5) and two-thirds of them have some sort of recurring or persistent health issue. Even if they had no health issues, three kids is a lot of mental, emotional and physical work.  It can really consume you and drain you of life.

Now, here’s where people are like, “But children are a gift” and “You’re so blessed” and “They grow so fast.”  And all of those things are true. But parenting, much like the rest of life and humanity is a multi-dimensioned thing.  It’s complicated and simple. And tiring and beautiful. And it gives people permission to shrink themselves.

I have been lost in the chaos for quite some time.  I think I finally started to emerge about two years ago.  At that point, I started to try things that were outside of my comfort zone just to grow as a person.  Becoming a mother had helped me kind of stop seeing myself as a person and just saw myself as a vehicle for survival for my family: the product of my ultimate dream.

Just like marriage, though, having kids is not really an actualized dream in itself, it’s more of a threshold that you cross into some really rough and scary territory.  Parenthood (and marriage) is the beginning of something new, not an end - and often, the something new is difficult and involves things you never thought you’d ever have to do or think about.

And it’s busy.  You could easily busy yourself with all of the things that your little tyrants, I mean treasures, want or need.  Washing clothes, preparing food, following through with rewards/consequences, playing, organizing, or shopping for their tiny clothes.

And the thing is, that busy-ness that seems necessary is actually a trap. Or a really convenient excuse to put yourself second (or third or fourth or tenth) on your list of priorities.  And over time, your dreams and desires for yourself become shrink so much that you kind of forget that you had them.

And the busy-ness is sometimes secret camouflage for fear.

“I can’t do that, I don’t have time to.“

“I can’t take care of myself, I have to take care of the kids. My husband doesn’t know how to take care of the kids like I do.”

“ I don’t have the time to go to school/work out/eat well/do yoga/spend time with friends because I’m needed at home.”

And it may be true.  And it also may be a lie.  

It’s easy to say that your family is first.  I mean, we hear it all the time, right? But as a parent, you are really leading the charge here.  You are teaching these young people how to live and how to be. And if you’re not taking care of yourself and making your dreams come true, what are you teaching them about taking care of themselves and making their dreams come true?

Modeling behavior is one very commonly used teaching strategy in the classroom and in life.  But we forget that sometimes. And sometimes we forget that parenting is actually teaching another person how to exist and survive in the world - the same world that we live and function in on a daily basis.

But really, when you put your family first, sometimes what your mind is secretly telling you is something like, “I am afraid to take the risk to learn how to dance, so I will keep myself busy making dinner from scratch every night.” “I don’t want to face the possibility of being scrutinized, so I won’t write the book that I want to write.”  “I don’t want to be judged by others so, I’m not going to _____ - instead I’ll re-organize the kids’ closet. What brings us joy anyway?” “It’s hard for me to navigate social situations, so I’ll just make sure I’m super mom at home.”

And if you’re a stay at home mom, the challenge is way bigger.  Not only do you miss out on the validation that working moms often find at work, you tend to get no validation or even negative messaging that you are doing your job horribly (either through unfinished tasks or misbehaving children). So you face the task of having to find confidence that comes with regular accomplishment somewhere deep, deep inside you.  You have to find the courage to try and take a risk that may not exist anymore because you don’t have the repeated feedback loop that tells you that you are regularly facing challenges and overcoming them in some way. (Most of that comes from our own mental messages to ourselves and our natural tendency to focus on the negative, not the positive messages that we give ourselves.)

“I am afraid that if I try to eat right, I’ll fall off the wagon - again - so I’ll just make sure that we get to all of our appointments on time and just do my best.”

“I am afraid of feeling left out, so I won’t make plans with people.”

“They won’t like me, so I won’t join that mom’s group.”

You should not do things that you don’t want to do just because you want to punish yourself. That’s not what I’m saying.  But what I’m saying is that having a family is sometimes a convenient excuse to let your fear take over your thinking and hold you back from all of the amazing things that you can experience in life.  This is your one life and that fear of failure (or fear of success) is VERY strong. So you don’t have to say yes to everything, but think about why you’re saying no. Is it because you really have no desire to participate, or is it because you are afraid of what will happen if you DO say yes?

Because if it’s fear, then you alone (and not your family) is holding you back.

Everyone faces obstacles on their success (otherwise the success would be meaningless!) and the obstacles look different for everyone.  But there are many ways around an obstacle - sometimes it’s over, under, around or through. If you are trying the same ways over and over to overcome your obstacle, your fear may be telling you that it’s too hard to overcome.  It might be time to pull in some extra help to get you thinking of different and new ways to overcome it. And it might be time to be OPEN to trying something new. (Which is totally scary, I get it.) But when it comes to your life - you are the boss and you get to decide what your experience of this life will be.  No matter what the obstacles.