Truth: It's a funky time

I have to admit it. I’ve been in a funk.  I keep asking myself what is creating my funk: is it being overwhelmed by Levi’s needs? Is it the beginning of the school year? Is it the things I’m feeding myself with (food, music, movies, social media)? Is it exercise? Is it the people I’m surrounding myself with? Is it something more? 

And last night, in the most unlikely place in conversation at Jeff’s college reunion, I figured it out: it’s that I’m growing.  

I know, I’m almost 40 (almost 40!!!) and I’m growing.  And it’s painful and it’s tiring. I’m always pushing myself to grow, but it’s always been incremental.  This year, I came into the year with intentions and areas of focus that (I didn’t realize at the time) are in a particular weak area of mine. And now that I’m trying and failing, it’s been tough on my mind.  I find myself sinking into some real negative self talk: Susan, you suck. You are in over your head. You can’t do this. You’ll never be good at this.  

And it’s messed up! I’d never let anyone else speak to me that way.  And I’d never talk to a friend that way. And yet, here I am feeding myself these horrible words.  

And what’s worse: no one knows.  When I let Jeff in on these things (which is not often), he is a real voice of love and reason.  His words are worth feasting on: “Well, Susan, you can’t expect to be great at something that you are doing for the first time,”  “You have to give yourself time to learn.” But I don’t always share this with him or with anyone else, so I’m left drowning in a sea of negative messages that I’m creating for myself - even though I'm surrounded by love.

All of these areas that I’m growing in  are a part of a bigger vision that I have for my life to be more vulnerable, more risk-taking in relationships and more "in" for the things that I think are my things: connection and collaboration.  

And expanding beyond my areas of comfort in connection and collaboration is very difficult.  

On the work front, it’s trying to collaborate with parents to increase engagement for students. 

On the home front, it’s sharing the responsibility of Levi’s care with Jeff and finding a way to do that in harmony.

On the social front, I’m opening myself up to new friendships. 

On the leadership front, I’m stepping up in areas that I never had the intention of stepping up in and having to both build relationships from scratch and manage the tasks of the job. I’m trying to participate in meaningful ways and struggling to figure out what I can contribute.  

All of these things involve putting myself out there and failing and learning how to do it better the next time.  And that space in between the failure and the next time is HARD. And it has involved a lot of tears. I keep trying to blame the tears on hormones, but that’s really not it, it’s me sinking back into my old fixed ways and forgetting that failure is part of the path.  And failure is the thing that is going to take me to the next destination. And without that failure, I’m just in my comfort zone doing the same things I was before. And that would be devastating because I want to LIVE LIFE.  

And last night, I was surrounded by people I hadn’t seen in ten years.  People who aren’t even really MY friends. They are Jeff’s friends. But because they love Jeff and because they have such beautiful hearts, they love me too.  And they reminded me that who I am right now in this growth spurt is still fine. It’s a me that is still worth loving and embracing and engaging with. And they see me - mostly through social media due to distance - but they still see me and it’s not just for being Jeff’s wife.  

And it helped me to see that the people in my life now also see me and they’re not seeing failure.  The failure is something that exists in my mind and is hanging over me like a dark cloud. But it’s just failure.  It doesn’t even exist. It’s a thing that happened and didn’t go so well and now it’s time to go forward and leave that cloud where it started and recognize that who I am is fine and worth loving. 

I was seeing me as the failure.  As someone who is struggling to get it right.  But I actually AM still getting some right. And maybe those are the things that matter: showing up for my kids, coaching soccer, teaching my students, surrounding myself with good, reliably loving people. 

I was always getting it right.  And soon I’ll be getting it right in different ways.  

Truth: Sugar is not my friend.

Truth: Sugar is not my friend.  AKA I can’t build my success on self-sabotage.

This has been an exhausting week for me.  I’m not sure why exactly, but it has been.  Monday, my family came to visit which is such a delightful change from my going to visit them.  It’s a little unsettling, but very fun, to have people come to our tiny house versus us travelling to visit them an hour and a half away.

This summer, I’ve been really trying to focus on my nutrition in combination with my daily workouts to try to see how much progress I can make with my body.  I’m not going extreme or anything, but I want to see what difference nutrition changes will make when added to my consistent workouts.  

My continual weakness is sugar.  I’ll start with fruit and then the fruit becomes a cobbler and then the cobbler becomes eating a bag of caramels or jar of jellybeans.  Once I head down the slope, it becomes very slippery and I’m at the bottom again.  

I’m not sure about you, but for me, once I slip, even a little, getting back up is difficult.  I forget all of the benefits I had from being at the top - when I was eating little to no sugar, I was less tired and had more energy, I didn’t get stuck in my shame cycle for sabotaging my goals with mindless eating. And, once I slip, I just go all in.  That’s the power of sugar over me. If I have one jelly bean, then my mind is like, “Heck, why stop with one? You already did it! Just have twenty more jelly beans while you’re at it.”

At any rate, like most people, a change in my routine often gets my mind back into thinking that what will really make me happy is eating cake, or jelly beans or ice cream or whatever sweet thing may be in sight.  I think that in order to fully enjoy the experience, it has to include some indulgence of some sort.  

So, on Monday while my family is here, right after lunch I busted out many of the things that are reserved for after dinner treats for the kids. Soon enough, I’m passing around the jar of jelly beans and the delightful maple caramels that were in the cupboard.  In my mind, I was offering something sweet to my family knowing that they have a sweet tooth too and, of course, I was indulging as well. Them being here was my excuse to do things that work exactly against what I’m working for.  

Sugar is something I crave, but afterward, I feel the sugar crash and that makes me crabby.  Then it has me reaching for more sugar to ease the crabbiness. This works exactly in opposition to my fitness goals, my mental-wellbeing goals, my to-do list goals, and my be-a-loving-and-patient-mother goals.  

When I woke up on Tuesday, it was hard to get out of bed.  In fact, I got out of bed and then immediately returned to bed and crashed for another hour and a half to dead sleep.  That is quite unusual for me.  

Looking back on the day before, I tried to figure out why I was so tired.  Did we have a busy day? Yes. Was it all that much more busy than other days? Not really.  Did I stay on track with my nutrition? Not really. Did I eat more sugar than usual? Absolutely.

Now, from my experiences in the last couple of years, I know that what I eat has a HUGE impact on my mindset, my body and my energy level.  And yet, it’s hard for me to decide in the moment that I should make the conscious decision to eat or not to eat the sugar. In fact, most of the time, my impulsiveness goes straight to sugar without even pausing to think about the mental/physical/energy ramifications of my decision. 

This week has been full of me waking up way past my alarm and creating a domino effect that impacts the kids.  I wake up late, so I start my routine late. My routine goes late so I let them watch the iPad later than I typically would.  They end up watching more screen that day because I’m tired and that’s not what my intentions were for the summer. Then since I’m running late, I cut out essential parts of my routine that I had planned.  Then I look back on the day and am irritated with myself that I didn’t do the basic things that I promised to myself.  

That’s just not what I want for myself.  I want a life where I follow through on the things that I agreed upon with myself.  I also want a life that is full of energy. I also want a life where I can show up for my kids.

Sugar is sabotaging that.  

That is so weird to say.  Sugar is sabotaging my life.  

Today is day three of avoiding sugar.  I’m feeling a little foggy and lethargic at this moment, but I know that’s a normal part of they cycle of leaving sugar behind.  This feeling will pass and I’ll find the energy that I typically have without sugar. I need to approach eating with intention and awareness - something that I’ve sort of abandoned lately.  I need my food to fuel my body so that I can show up to my life with energy - for both me and my kids.  

Trying to build success on my self-sabotage just won’t work. 

Dreaming of Abs

So, this may be the strangest goal I’ve ever shared with anyone: I dream of having a six-pack.

Since I was a teenager, I’ve dreamt of having the lines that criss-cross one’s abdomen.  I was an athlete and worked out harder than I ever had in my life and my stomach was flat, but it was never defined.  I wondered how people did that.

I would occasionally follow one of those ab regimens that are prolific in women’s magazines for a day or two and then drop it.  And then I just figured it wasn’t for people like me. I just wasn’t disciplined on my own back then.

Having defined abs is such a strange and petty goal and it never really was a true goal - it was just a dream.  But I like goals. And if you know me, when I start something, I go all in. I get to the point of satisfaction with my mastery and then I move on to something else.  Sometimes that lasts days, weeks or years. (Prepare yourself, I am currently on a path to learning how to make frosting roses. More on that later.)

Last year though, in preparation for our family’s Hawaii trip, I challenged myself with a longer and more intense workout and started focusing on treating food like fuel instead of a comforter and my body actually started to change.  I couldn’t believe that I was actually getting definition in my abs after having three children and at the age of 37. At that time, my goal was to get to our summer vacation feeling confident in my bikini. And I did.

I was so proud of myself for making the commitment and sticking with it.  Because I started in February and stuck with it until June, it was my longest display of food and exercise related discipline.  

Once we hit the islands, though, it all went out the window.  I continued to work out while we were there, but the food discipline went out the window.  And, as some of my virtual trainers say, “abs are made in the kitchen.”

After Hawaii, I loosely got back into a more disciplined diet, but it wasn’t the same.  Then it was a slow decline leading into the holiday season. After my high school reunion I was even less disciplined.

Once you get into that place where you’ve slowly evolved (or de-volved) away from something that is good for you, it’s hard to remember why you did it in the first place.  And it’s hard to find a new start with it. When you have a delightful piece of cake sitting in front of you, it’s hard to remember that it doesn’t give you the same energy as the healthy snack you conveniently forgot to bring with you - especially when it gives you so much joy in the moment you’re eating it.

As you may remember, the new year was a fresh start for our family eating-wise.  Remember how I said that when I start something, I go all in? Well, that’s what I did for our home diet adjustment.  Over the holidays I studied cookbooks, made lists, did shopping and then January was execution month. Because we were learning our new allergy-friendly lifestyle, my personal nutrition planning took the back burner.  I also had to learn how to adjust my nutrition to our new diet (news flash: it wasn’t hard at all). But the new year also meant lots of appointments trying to get everything sorted out for Levi.

I never stopped working out.  That’s a habit that is actually more part of my mental health than my physical appearance.  I need those moments of sweating and heavy breathing to set myself in the right direction for the day.  But the nutrition piece… that was the part that was missing.

Once things were in place for Levi and we were had momentum and some normalcy around our new life, it was time to turn my focus back to myself.   And so, here I am: five weeks into Mission Ab Definition. And it’s working.

Because I had gone to such a loose diet that involved lots of comfort and convenience eating, there were noticeable changes in the first week.  I don’t weigh myself often, because 1) I don’t want to and 2) my goal is around definition, not the scale. So I take weekly pictures to check my progress.  It’s weird. And I love it.

As with anything, you may see big changes to start and then it slows down and becomes more subtle.  Such is the case with my definition. I am progressing slowly now. And it’s disappointing. Like most, I’d rather see something major happen super fast and then move on and be done with it.  

This goal is a reminder that being consistent over a long(er) period of time is what’s really needed to achieve your goals.  Now, if I don’t meet this goal of mine, it’s no big deal. I’m not skipping out on ALL of the fun stuff and I’m not working out like crazy (just 20 mins a day for now).  If we have a celebratory ice cream because Levi did something major (like get on stage to receive an award) then I participate in that or if we have breakfast for dinner, I eat a pancake with everyone. But all of that is a small snippet of the big picture of eating for me now.  I’m not going to go crazy trying to get the six-pack, but I do want to see what I’m capable of at this point in my life given my parameters (I have to work out at home, I can’t work out for more than an hour, I can’t be hungry all the time). If I can be consistent for a year (which is far beyond 80 days!), it will be interesting to see the results!

How to hate yourself in ten quick Girl Scout Cookies

I struggle with compulsive eating.  I always have. I can’t just have a piece of cake, it could easily turn into a quarter of the cake!  I can’t just have a handful of chips, it’s the whole bag. Not one piece of pizza, but four instead. And that doesn’t even take into account the times that I’m emotional eating.  It’s been a real struggle to figure out how to control myself, because it’s not like I’m compulsively eating cucumbers. It’s just that junky, processed food that is so readily available.  

Over the last few years, I’ve developed much better habits.  I am not starving myself by any means, but I’m not as compulsive.  There’s more awareness over why I’m eating and if I’m really hungry, then I can eat a vegetable - it doesn’t have to be cake.  

The holidays put me back into some bad habits as far as emotional eating and allowing myself access to foods I’d typically not have in the house.  Having our change in diet means that I’m regularly preparing treats for my kids and - as a result - eating them.

So, I decided that it was about time that I got back on track.

After a day of generally avoiding the things I meant to avoid.  I was so proud of myself for not giving in! (There are always opportunities for giving in at work.) But then there was an after school meeting where they feed you.  And they were feeding us pizza and Girl Scout cookies.

The pizza I could resist because I knew that I’d get a headache from the wheat, but the Girl Scout cookies shined like a beacon during that entire meeting.  

Finally, at the end I caved - and when I cave, it’s not in moderation.  It was 10 cookies of delight. And then the headache. And then I heard myself berating myself for being weak.  

“You should have left them alone.”

“Ugh, now you have a headache.”

“You told yourself you wouldn’t do that.”

“You could have stopped with one.”

I would never speak to someone else that way, but I find it perfectly acceptable, normal even, to do that to myself.  Over any small thing. Any error that I make, any mis-step, any flaws in my approach to trying something new results in this personal berating.  It’s only recently that I’ve acknowledged it, but it’s been happening all of my life.

At times, it’s easier to engage a kinder and gentler coach-type self-talk that reassures me that people are not perfect, that I can always start again in that moment.  But it’s generally a hard thing to practice all of the time.

And the thing is, whatever your goal is, being mean to yourself on the way to that goal is not what keeps you in it.  That mean part of you that emerges when it happens, that’s just avoidance (a goal-evading tactic) rearing its deceptive head.  

You’re mean to yourself after failure, then you avoid the you that’s being mean to yourself because no one wants to be around a mean person - even it’s you. And in order to avoid that mean person, you basically have to avoid the goal that you were working toward in the first place.  So, now you have successfully avoided the mean person and also your personal progress. Really, in these situations, being compassionate with yourself and speaking kindly, as you would to a friend, is what pushes you forward.

When you’re kind to yourself, you don’t create an antagonistic relationship with yourself and that gentleness allows you to take part in the natural process of growth - making mistakes and learning from them - and then move forward to keep growing through those mistakes. Instead of hating yourself, you can love that you are taking on something that causes mistakes, which means you are doing something new and outside of your comfort zone which requires both risk and growth! Yay, you!

But it’s SO hard.

So maybe those ten cookies weren’t a mistake after all.  They were just part of the path that I can look back on and say, “Remember when I ate those ten cookies and couldn’t control myself? I’ve come so far since then.”

And it’s not always cookies.  Sometimes the path that you’re on is about exercising everyday - but you miss a day, or a week or a month.  Perhaps you are trying to drink more water each day. Maybe it’s spending less money when you’re bored at home or watching less TV or reading more - and you just fall into old habits for a minute.  No matter how long that minute turns out to be, you can always jump back onto the progress toward your goal. Just because it didn’t work out for that period of time, that doesn’t mean that dream or that goal has to go away.  Failure and moments of having less discipline are normal! Especially when your goal is a long-term one. But don’t think about that long-term part (that can be scary and defeating too), just focus on right now and the thing you need to do right now to get you back on track and refocused.

And maybe try a different approach.  At these meetings, I’ve never moved the cookies to the other side of the table because I always thought I could control myself - maybe it’s time to try moving the cookies.  Or in that moment when I feel the impulse to open the cookies, get up and get water or take a breath or tell my neighbor to not let me open the cookies.

We do what we think is the right way to do something, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only way.  Making that long-term goal happen means that you’ll need to try ways you haven’t tried before - because if those ways you tried had worked in the past, you would already be at that goal.  

So, now it’s a new moment and I’m ready.  It’s time to try new ways and get that positive voice going in my mind.  Girl Scout cookies (or Peeps, or Cadbury Eggs or Easter candy in general), I’m ready to resist you.