Truth: In 2019, the obstacle was the path

That’s it. 2019 is over.  I remember last year at this time, I scrolled through social media and saw all of the updates and memes about how horrible 2018 was and how “over it” people were.  I totally identified with that feeling. It had been a surprisingly rough year with lots of unexpected challenges. I was ready to put it behind me and move on to something different.  

Right around that time, we were deciding as a family to start intervening in more preventative ways in Levi’s health.  His anxiety at school was keeping him from participating like the other kids. And at home, he was becoming unbearable. Not only was it difficult to enjoy his company, but he also was refusing basic required interventions for his health (doing his daily lotion regimen or taking medicine, for example). 

Our first step was to finally respect all of Levi’s food allergies as a family. I spent New Year’s Eve last year reading a couple of cook books to better understand how to substitute and where allergens may be hiding in our food.  This change would require scratch cooking and baking with little room for short cuts. Both things had seemed daunting. So daunting that I actually feared making anything from scratch. So, I did what I always do, I did my research, prepared my supplies and then went for it.  

In addition to changing what I cooked, we needed a system to encourage the kids to eat new foods.  We were going from highly processed foods (mac n cheese, chicken nuggets) to more and new vegetables and more and new preparations of meat. Things looked different and for our kids, that was not easy.  The result, though, was that Ana - our pickiest eater - has gone from not wanting to try anything new ever to requesting that this morning’s breakfast be pumpkin donuts. She would never eat anything pumpkin before - even if it was a cake.  After sneaking it to her in a donut recently, she finally is open to trying things even though she initially doesn’t like them. We did the same thing sneaking zucchini and spinach into our Grinch pancakes.  

So, this morning, I’m living out the fruits of this year with our iet: I’m throwing together pumpkin donuts with ingredients we have on hand (because we have these things on hand now) and I even threw together a cinnamon vanilla glaze for our donuts because now I know how to freestyle with icings and glazes.  That’s what 2019 brought to this house! 

What was once the obstacle (really cooking from scratch) now became our tools for success.  The change in our diet changed Levi into a different person within weeks. He went from being wild and argumentative to loving and conscientious. What we thought were small harmless choices had accumulated to some huge issues. 

The interventions didn’t stop with food, though.  

We engaged every specialist we could to help with the behavior issues we saw in Levi (but also in the girls).  He saw a counselor at school, after school, speech therapist, occupational therapist, behavior therapist. If we could get it, we did. 

We learned about anxiety, something I admittedly knew very little about despite having so many students who struggle with it. My fear showed up again because anxiety can look so different for so many people and the “solutions” can be so ambiguous.  What we needed, though, was not to have solutions to the anxiety as much as we needed solutions to the behavior that came from the anxiety (not wanting to put on lotion or take necessary medication - two essential things in Levi’s life). We enlisted a behavior specialist who changed our lives.  She showed us how we were reinforcing some of the negative behaviors we were seeing, which also increased the anxiety and that created a vicious cycle that we could break. She also showed us how to reinforce the positive behaviors to increase the chances of them becoming normal in our lives. She was encouraging and positive and gave us practical solutions that changed our lives immediately.  

In addition to seeking outside help, I started some of the academic intervention at home.  We used what we knew from the behavior specialist to get Levi to engage in the academic activities that he was avoiding at school.  I was so hesitant to give up “my” time to engage with him over academics, but really, it was what was needed. I didn’t want one more thing to do, but it has turned into a real positive as I see him overcome his anxiety each time that we sit down with a pencil in hand.  I’ve seen how proud he is when he does well and reaches a new level and how hard he’s working to try to get it right. Although we encounter many conflicts and engage in argument getting started, this time together has been a real opportunity for me to see Levi and appreciate who he is. 

The obstacle of being busy with all of these doctor’s appointments and schoolwork at home was anxiety inducing for me.  Facing it head on, though, was one of the main reasons we were able to leave 2019 feeling triumphant as we see the successes happening little by little.  

And that’s really it: all of these things we tried, they created a brick road of success.  With each success, we were able to add a brick and pave our way forward. Each time we moved forward, we were adding onto that success.  And the success and all of those bricks together made momentum. In many ways, it created confidence for me. It didn’t mean that I never failed, I failed so many times, but it did mean that when I failed, I was willing to try again (eventually) and it meant that when I succeeded, I was willing to try the next harder thing.  And those next harder things weren’t always related to Levi’s health. They were related to work, relationships, living the life I want to live. And it all started with facing this huge obstacle that I had been avoiding for so long. 

Truth: It's a funky time

I have to admit it. I’ve been in a funk.  I keep asking myself what is creating my funk: is it being overwhelmed by Levi’s needs? Is it the beginning of the school year? Is it the things I’m feeding myself with (food, music, movies, social media)? Is it exercise? Is it the people I’m surrounding myself with? Is it something more? 

And last night, in the most unlikely place in conversation at Jeff’s college reunion, I figured it out: it’s that I’m growing.  

I know, I’m almost 40 (almost 40!!!) and I’m growing.  And it’s painful and it’s tiring. I’m always pushing myself to grow, but it’s always been incremental.  This year, I came into the year with intentions and areas of focus that (I didn’t realize at the time) are in a particular weak area of mine. And now that I’m trying and failing, it’s been tough on my mind.  I find myself sinking into some real negative self talk: Susan, you suck. You are in over your head. You can’t do this. You’ll never be good at this.  

And it’s messed up! I’d never let anyone else speak to me that way.  And I’d never talk to a friend that way. And yet, here I am feeding myself these horrible words.  

And what’s worse: no one knows.  When I let Jeff in on these things (which is not often), he is a real voice of love and reason.  His words are worth feasting on: “Well, Susan, you can’t expect to be great at something that you are doing for the first time,”  “You have to give yourself time to learn.” But I don’t always share this with him or with anyone else, so I’m left drowning in a sea of negative messages that I’m creating for myself - even though I'm surrounded by love.

All of these areas that I’m growing in  are a part of a bigger vision that I have for my life to be more vulnerable, more risk-taking in relationships and more "in" for the things that I think are my things: connection and collaboration.  

And expanding beyond my areas of comfort in connection and collaboration is very difficult.  

On the work front, it’s trying to collaborate with parents to increase engagement for students. 

On the home front, it’s sharing the responsibility of Levi’s care with Jeff and finding a way to do that in harmony.

On the social front, I’m opening myself up to new friendships. 

On the leadership front, I’m stepping up in areas that I never had the intention of stepping up in and having to both build relationships from scratch and manage the tasks of the job. I’m trying to participate in meaningful ways and struggling to figure out what I can contribute.  

All of these things involve putting myself out there and failing and learning how to do it better the next time.  And that space in between the failure and the next time is HARD. And it has involved a lot of tears. I keep trying to blame the tears on hormones, but that’s really not it, it’s me sinking back into my old fixed ways and forgetting that failure is part of the path.  And failure is the thing that is going to take me to the next destination. And without that failure, I’m just in my comfort zone doing the same things I was before. And that would be devastating because I want to LIVE LIFE.  

And last night, I was surrounded by people I hadn’t seen in ten years.  People who aren’t even really MY friends. They are Jeff’s friends. But because they love Jeff and because they have such beautiful hearts, they love me too.  And they reminded me that who I am right now in this growth spurt is still fine. It’s a me that is still worth loving and embracing and engaging with. And they see me - mostly through social media due to distance - but they still see me and it’s not just for being Jeff’s wife.  

And it helped me to see that the people in my life now also see me and they’re not seeing failure.  The failure is something that exists in my mind and is hanging over me like a dark cloud. But it’s just failure.  It doesn’t even exist. It’s a thing that happened and didn’t go so well and now it’s time to go forward and leave that cloud where it started and recognize that who I am is fine and worth loving. 

I was seeing me as the failure.  As someone who is struggling to get it right.  But I actually AM still getting some right. And maybe those are the things that matter: showing up for my kids, coaching soccer, teaching my students, surrounding myself with good, reliably loving people. 

I was always getting it right.  And soon I’ll be getting it right in different ways.  

Truth: Sugar is not my friend.

Truth: Sugar is not my friend.  AKA I can’t build my success on self-sabotage.

This has been an exhausting week for me.  I’m not sure why exactly, but it has been.  Monday, my family came to visit which is such a delightful change from my going to visit them.  It’s a little unsettling, but very fun, to have people come to our tiny house versus us travelling to visit them an hour and a half away.

This summer, I’ve been really trying to focus on my nutrition in combination with my daily workouts to try to see how much progress I can make with my body.  I’m not going extreme or anything, but I want to see what difference nutrition changes will make when added to my consistent workouts.  

My continual weakness is sugar.  I’ll start with fruit and then the fruit becomes a cobbler and then the cobbler becomes eating a bag of caramels or jar of jellybeans.  Once I head down the slope, it becomes very slippery and I’m at the bottom again.  

I’m not sure about you, but for me, once I slip, even a little, getting back up is difficult.  I forget all of the benefits I had from being at the top - when I was eating little to no sugar, I was less tired and had more energy, I didn’t get stuck in my shame cycle for sabotaging my goals with mindless eating. And, once I slip, I just go all in.  That’s the power of sugar over me. If I have one jelly bean, then my mind is like, “Heck, why stop with one? You already did it! Just have twenty more jelly beans while you’re at it.”

At any rate, like most people, a change in my routine often gets my mind back into thinking that what will really make me happy is eating cake, or jelly beans or ice cream or whatever sweet thing may be in sight.  I think that in order to fully enjoy the experience, it has to include some indulgence of some sort.  

So, on Monday while my family is here, right after lunch I busted out many of the things that are reserved for after dinner treats for the kids. Soon enough, I’m passing around the jar of jelly beans and the delightful maple caramels that were in the cupboard.  In my mind, I was offering something sweet to my family knowing that they have a sweet tooth too and, of course, I was indulging as well. Them being here was my excuse to do things that work exactly against what I’m working for.  

Sugar is something I crave, but afterward, I feel the sugar crash and that makes me crabby.  Then it has me reaching for more sugar to ease the crabbiness. This works exactly in opposition to my fitness goals, my mental-wellbeing goals, my to-do list goals, and my be-a-loving-and-patient-mother goals.  

When I woke up on Tuesday, it was hard to get out of bed.  In fact, I got out of bed and then immediately returned to bed and crashed for another hour and a half to dead sleep.  That is quite unusual for me.  

Looking back on the day before, I tried to figure out why I was so tired.  Did we have a busy day? Yes. Was it all that much more busy than other days? Not really.  Did I stay on track with my nutrition? Not really. Did I eat more sugar than usual? Absolutely.

Now, from my experiences in the last couple of years, I know that what I eat has a HUGE impact on my mindset, my body and my energy level.  And yet, it’s hard for me to decide in the moment that I should make the conscious decision to eat or not to eat the sugar. In fact, most of the time, my impulsiveness goes straight to sugar without even pausing to think about the mental/physical/energy ramifications of my decision. 

This week has been full of me waking up way past my alarm and creating a domino effect that impacts the kids.  I wake up late, so I start my routine late. My routine goes late so I let them watch the iPad later than I typically would.  They end up watching more screen that day because I’m tired and that’s not what my intentions were for the summer. Then since I’m running late, I cut out essential parts of my routine that I had planned.  Then I look back on the day and am irritated with myself that I didn’t do the basic things that I promised to myself.  

That’s just not what I want for myself.  I want a life where I follow through on the things that I agreed upon with myself.  I also want a life that is full of energy. I also want a life where I can show up for my kids.

Sugar is sabotaging that.  

That is so weird to say.  Sugar is sabotaging my life.  

Today is day three of avoiding sugar.  I’m feeling a little foggy and lethargic at this moment, but I know that’s a normal part of they cycle of leaving sugar behind.  This feeling will pass and I’ll find the energy that I typically have without sugar. I need to approach eating with intention and awareness - something that I’ve sort of abandoned lately.  I need my food to fuel my body so that I can show up to my life with energy - for both me and my kids.  

Trying to build success on my self-sabotage just won’t work. 

Moving forward on a not-so-good feeling day

I admit it, yesterday was a not so great day.  We were freshly home after our five-day beach vacation with our my family.  People woke up a little grumpy (including myself) and things were much quieter than they had been at the beach house.  

Often, for me, a quieter time leaves plenty of space for the negative stuff to creep in: mean messages to myself, unearthing of old hurts, general negativity for what’s ahead.  

What was ahead for the day was a barbecue with our friends to celebrate the Fourth of July.  Although I know it’s always fun, my negative space left me not wanting to interact with anyone outside of those I absolutely had to interact with.  Minimizing any damage I might do, if you will. 

Adding to the negativity was that we were just home from being away.  Going to any food-related party (which is every party) I had no plan for what to bring for the kids to eat, since we can never guarantee that there will be food for them to eat at a party (and we really don’t expect others to accommodate for us).

I really wasn’t wanting to put the required energy behind thinking about food.  

I just felt UGH. And it had that hopeless feeling to it, like “things are bad and they will always be bad.”  It’s so strange when that happens. We just came off of a fantastic vacation and were home in our not-too-hot home, mostly unpacked and back to our normal routine.  There was no reason to feel this way.  

My first thought was to get rid of the feeling.  I started running through all of my usual ideas. It went like this, “Maybe I can avoid all responsibilities and read.  Maybe I can get out of going to the party. Maybe I can get away with being super rude to my family. Maybe I should get drunk today.”  Once I reached the drinking option, I realized I might not be on the right track.  

I decided that I needed to bring in all of my fairly newly learned strategies to deal with them.  

1. Keep my habits. 

Generally, I wake up too early to assess my true feelings in the morning.  It’s usually still dark and I’m always a little sleepy eyed. Any feeling assessment at that moment is subject to change, I mean, I’m still kind of asleep!  But even if I feel that bad feeling creeping in, I do not use that as an excuse to skip out on the things I need to operate at my best. First, it’s yoga. I kinda dread and put off yoga every day.  It’s not my favorite because it invites even more quiet and that is always a challenge for me, but I know that it allows me to have more awareness in my day and take a step back from the chaos to see patterns in myself and my surroundings so I can slow down and make better, more kind decisions. Second, I have to work out.  I do have at least one rest day a week, but for most days, working out is part of the day. Working out wakes me up and brings in a positive, warm energy to the start of my day. If I work out and still feel the “ugh,” that’s a sign that it’s more than just my normal waking-up-bad-mood. But my questioning of my mood or feeling tired is not an excuse to get out of doing things that I know are good for me - and are likely to improve my mood. 

2. Realize that it’s just a feeling and it won’t last forever. 

Although it feels like it’s everything, my feeling is just a feeling.  It’s not actually a reflection of my life and as my friend says, it’s not existential.  My feelings are just feelings and it’s ok to feel them and take my time with them if that’s what’s needed, but if it’s unclear what it’s about and it just feels like a funk, then I don’t need to get lost under it.  And if I do start to get lost under it, I have to remind myself that it won’t last forever - even if it feels like it.  

3. Don’t act on the feeling, just do what is needed.

When the feeling creeps in, I want to disengage from everything and everyone.  Giving in to that feeling is just not helpful for overcoming the feeling or for being the kind of wife and mom that I want to be. I took a moment to look around and see what is great about the moment - yesterday it was about the gorgeous weather, that I was going to make progress on my junk room and that it was good to be home.  I told Jeff how I was feeling so he would know it’s not him, it’s just a feeling. I did have to keep reminding myself to not let my feeling escape out of my mouth onto my kids or Jeff. If I’m buttering bread and am asked for ice in their water, I can respond calmly. If someone wants a hug while I’m grabbing the ice, I can stop and give a hug.  They don’t need to feel shame or hurt because of my psychological turmoil. 

4. When it feels like all you want do is disengage, don’t.

I woke up not wanting to go anywhere or interact with anyone - in person or digitally.  I was annoyed at the idea that I had messages to respond to and people to interact with.  But let’s say that I had the option to ignore all of them - which in my mind, was not a cool thing to do - what would I do instead?  I would spend time alone and either wallow and spin out even more or numb myself out with movies, books or food. I have to ask myself if that’s what I really want for myself: to live a life spinning out or numbed out.  For me, the answer is no. And really, what I know to be true is that when I choose to engage - even when I don’t feel like it- I walk away feeling better and happier and I generally don’t regret it, much like exercising. 

5. There’s a pattern between things slowing down and this feeling. 

This feeling is familiar.  Any time that things slow down, the feeling pops in.  It has happened in years past during longer school breaks - even before I was married and had kids.  When the break was long enough for me to relax, my anxiety would get going and have me obsessing over concerns about students or reliving past negative experiences. I had kind of forgotten about the feeling when we started having kids because they kept me so busy all the time.  Now that we are in a slower season because they are more independent, there is more and more opportunity for the feeling to creep in. And I find the feeling creeping in when Jeff is around and I know I have an “out” and can let him care for them - and him being home means that things are even more slow for me because I can take a slower pace, which often means that my mind goes into overdrive on negative things.  Or when our pace slows down because school is out or I have extra help, that’s when I can expect this feeling to happen. I don’t wait around for the feeling, but when I feel it, I take a moment to think about the bigger picture and ask myself, “Are things slowing down a bit and that’s causing my mind to create this situation?” Often, the answer is yes. And then I decide on my way forward. 

By the end of the night, I could look back on the day with some pride.  I felt that feeling coming in and when I recognized it, I was able to move forward in awareness so that it didn’t take over. Instead, I was able to enjoy all of the most perfect parts of my day.  

Opening Your Circle

I had the experience of chaperoning my daughter’s second grade field trip a few weeks ago.  From the kid side, it was everything you’d expect it to be: a little chaotic, very energetic and lots of boundaries being pushed.  One thing that I hadn’t really expected was the adult dynamics.

I’m a working mom.  I teach full time, which means that during most of the time that my kids are at school, I’m at school too.  So, volunteering in the classroom and going on field trips is a pretty unlikely thing. On the rare occasion that I’ve done drop off or pick up there are other parents there.  Most of them are moms and some are dads. Most people keep to themselves or they chat with their friend. If a new person walks up, they may acknowledge them, but they probably don’t.  All of this is complicated by the fact that my kids are in a Two Way Bilingual Immersion (TWBI) program, which means that half of the families in the class speak Spanish as their first language (and may not speak English).

Such was the case on this field trip.  We were a tad bit late, so the class was already assembled in the classroom.  A few parents were lingering about. Teacher was explaining to a few parents what to do. As the late person, I tried to assimilate and pick up any info that I could.  

As more parents trickled in, I noticed that no one really introduced each other even when they obviously didn’t know each other.  And those who did know each other gravitated toward each other.

Since we had different arrival times and the kids were in the background excitedly anticipating our departure, there wasn’t really an opportunity to initiate a meet and greet that would distract students and add to the din.

And I was tired.  As we all are. I had no coffee because I was outside of my normal routine and I felt a bit like a freshly pressed zombie.  

So for those first twenty minutes, I just tried to stay out of the way.  And I watched. It felt like my moment to fit in or meet people had passed.  And I was grumpy, so I was ready to put on my “screw everyone” attitude.

And then I remembered that my goal this year is to live.  I don’t want to sit in the sidelines and watch things unfold as a spectator. I want to get out there and be a part of the action.  

As hard as it was, I softened my face and tried to ease the scowl away.  I opened up my mind and relaxed my shoulders. Once we got moving, I approached a mom and introduced myself.  Then once we got on the bus, I introduced myself to someone else.

Now, small talk is NOT my forte, but I did my best.  And that’s what living is. It’s doing your best, learning from it and moving on.  It may have been a total failure or they may have found me annoying or they may have hated me from the start, but that part isn’t my business.  What is my business is how I choose to act in my life. If I don’t want to be a bystander in my life, I have to take awkward risks. And then I have to release it.  I can’t go back and analyze every little comment and gesture. Whatever happened in that moment was just a moment and it was a learning moment.

Looking back now, I wish I had been riskier.  I wish I had approached each parent, even those who didn’t speak English and at least introduced myself.  These things are awkward and always will be, but I have to trust that I belong there too and that I have something to offer.  

When you look at your life, are you bystanding or are you playing the game?  I know there are moments when bystanding is the best you can do, but if you find yourself repeatedly doing so and being a passive participant, you might be missing out on the fun - or better yet, the awkwardness of living. Maybe it's time to open your circle to include someone new.

Dreaming of Abs

So, this may be the strangest goal I’ve ever shared with anyone: I dream of having a six-pack.

Since I was a teenager, I’ve dreamt of having the lines that criss-cross one’s abdomen.  I was an athlete and worked out harder than I ever had in my life and my stomach was flat, but it was never defined.  I wondered how people did that.

I would occasionally follow one of those ab regimens that are prolific in women’s magazines for a day or two and then drop it.  And then I just figured it wasn’t for people like me. I just wasn’t disciplined on my own back then.

Having defined abs is such a strange and petty goal and it never really was a true goal - it was just a dream.  But I like goals. And if you know me, when I start something, I go all in. I get to the point of satisfaction with my mastery and then I move on to something else.  Sometimes that lasts days, weeks or years. (Prepare yourself, I am currently on a path to learning how to make frosting roses. More on that later.)

Last year though, in preparation for our family’s Hawaii trip, I challenged myself with a longer and more intense workout and started focusing on treating food like fuel instead of a comforter and my body actually started to change.  I couldn’t believe that I was actually getting definition in my abs after having three children and at the age of 37. At that time, my goal was to get to our summer vacation feeling confident in my bikini. And I did.

I was so proud of myself for making the commitment and sticking with it.  Because I started in February and stuck with it until June, it was my longest display of food and exercise related discipline.  

Once we hit the islands, though, it all went out the window.  I continued to work out while we were there, but the food discipline went out the window.  And, as some of my virtual trainers say, “abs are made in the kitchen.”

After Hawaii, I loosely got back into a more disciplined diet, but it wasn’t the same.  Then it was a slow decline leading into the holiday season. After my high school reunion I was even less disciplined.

Once you get into that place where you’ve slowly evolved (or de-volved) away from something that is good for you, it’s hard to remember why you did it in the first place.  And it’s hard to find a new start with it. When you have a delightful piece of cake sitting in front of you, it’s hard to remember that it doesn’t give you the same energy as the healthy snack you conveniently forgot to bring with you - especially when it gives you so much joy in the moment you’re eating it.

As you may remember, the new year was a fresh start for our family eating-wise.  Remember how I said that when I start something, I go all in? Well, that’s what I did for our home diet adjustment.  Over the holidays I studied cookbooks, made lists, did shopping and then January was execution month. Because we were learning our new allergy-friendly lifestyle, my personal nutrition planning took the back burner.  I also had to learn how to adjust my nutrition to our new diet (news flash: it wasn’t hard at all). But the new year also meant lots of appointments trying to get everything sorted out for Levi.

I never stopped working out.  That’s a habit that is actually more part of my mental health than my physical appearance.  I need those moments of sweating and heavy breathing to set myself in the right direction for the day.  But the nutrition piece… that was the part that was missing.

Once things were in place for Levi and we were had momentum and some normalcy around our new life, it was time to turn my focus back to myself.   And so, here I am: five weeks into Mission Ab Definition. And it’s working.

Because I had gone to such a loose diet that involved lots of comfort and convenience eating, there were noticeable changes in the first week.  I don’t weigh myself often, because 1) I don’t want to and 2) my goal is around definition, not the scale. So I take weekly pictures to check my progress.  It’s weird. And I love it.

As with anything, you may see big changes to start and then it slows down and becomes more subtle.  Such is the case with my definition. I am progressing slowly now. And it’s disappointing. Like most, I’d rather see something major happen super fast and then move on and be done with it.  

This goal is a reminder that being consistent over a long(er) period of time is what’s really needed to achieve your goals.  Now, if I don’t meet this goal of mine, it’s no big deal. I’m not skipping out on ALL of the fun stuff and I’m not working out like crazy (just 20 mins a day for now).  If we have a celebratory ice cream because Levi did something major (like get on stage to receive an award) then I participate in that or if we have breakfast for dinner, I eat a pancake with everyone. But all of that is a small snippet of the big picture of eating for me now.  I’m not going to go crazy trying to get the six-pack, but I do want to see what I’m capable of at this point in my life given my parameters (I have to work out at home, I can’t work out for more than an hour, I can’t be hungry all the time). If I can be consistent for a year (which is far beyond 80 days!), it will be interesting to see the results!

When you get a diagnosis...

In all of the time that we have been working with various professionals, I hadn’t thought much about a diagnosis for our son.  I just knew that we were using our available resources to help him. When the school’s support team met last month to talk through next steps, they asked if he had an official diagnosis.  While I knew what diagnosis meant, I wasn’t really sure what that would look like. I wasn’t even sure that any of the doctors had specifically named something as an “official” diagnosis.

And then the other day, I finally remembered to circle back to the doctor to see about an official diagnosis.  And she had two: one that I suspected and a second one that we had discussed before in passing, but never as an official diagnosis.  And then there I was, sitting with this diagnosis and I was a little shocked.

I guess I was shocked at the official diagnosis of it.  I knew he definitely had the symptoms, but I didn’t know at what point the diagnosis would come - and I guess I figured it would be down the road more.  

The benefit of being a teacher (well, one of them anyway) is that I’ve seen how this diagnosis can play out in the teenage years.  And I know that it can go away if we can teach him how to manage his anxiety. And as far as diagnoses go, this one is pretty minor.  And yet, it gave me pause.

I was discussing it with a friend and she asked if I had told him about the diagnosis.  We haven’t. And then she asked if we were doing anything differently. We aren’t.

And when she asked those two questions, I had to explain to her, we aren’t doing anything differently, it’s just that psychologically my perspective is different.  THAT is the part that’s interesting. Nothing is different except the words that we use around the same thing that we’ve seen all year. And, last week, the week that we got the diagnosis, he spoke to his teacher at least once each day for the longest speaking streak he’s ever had! What has changed is how I see him.  Rather than being a person fully capable of stepping up and doing the things we ask, the diagnoses makes me hesitate. And that’s not right. It has me asking his future church school teacher if he will still be able to attend church school given his situation - but with no diagnosis, I would have assumed that he belonged there and just explained that he’s a little different than some kids, but does things mostly the same.

The real upside to having a diagnosis is that we have a justification for advocating for our son, but the things we’re advocating for are not meant to cater to maintaining this diagnosis and instead to help him grow out of it.  My hope is that having this diagnosis will bring awareness to his future teacher and maybe create a little more patience and compassion, but not fewer opportunities to participate. And that’s what I need to remember: now that we have this little piece of paper, our expectations of him do not change at all, but we may need to have a little more patience and compassion around his timetable to sort things out.

So for now, we’ll just keep doing what we’re doing and challenging him to push himself to do what he can.  In the meantime, I’ll be checking my mind’s desire to pave the way for him.

How to hate yourself in ten quick Girl Scout Cookies

I struggle with compulsive eating.  I always have. I can’t just have a piece of cake, it could easily turn into a quarter of the cake!  I can’t just have a handful of chips, it’s the whole bag. Not one piece of pizza, but four instead. And that doesn’t even take into account the times that I’m emotional eating.  It’s been a real struggle to figure out how to control myself, because it’s not like I’m compulsively eating cucumbers. It’s just that junky, processed food that is so readily available.  

Over the last few years, I’ve developed much better habits.  I am not starving myself by any means, but I’m not as compulsive.  There’s more awareness over why I’m eating and if I’m really hungry, then I can eat a vegetable - it doesn’t have to be cake.  

The holidays put me back into some bad habits as far as emotional eating and allowing myself access to foods I’d typically not have in the house.  Having our change in diet means that I’m regularly preparing treats for my kids and - as a result - eating them.

So, I decided that it was about time that I got back on track.

After a day of generally avoiding the things I meant to avoid.  I was so proud of myself for not giving in! (There are always opportunities for giving in at work.) But then there was an after school meeting where they feed you.  And they were feeding us pizza and Girl Scout cookies.

The pizza I could resist because I knew that I’d get a headache from the wheat, but the Girl Scout cookies shined like a beacon during that entire meeting.  

Finally, at the end I caved - and when I cave, it’s not in moderation.  It was 10 cookies of delight. And then the headache. And then I heard myself berating myself for being weak.  

“You should have left them alone.”

“Ugh, now you have a headache.”

“You told yourself you wouldn’t do that.”

“You could have stopped with one.”

I would never speak to someone else that way, but I find it perfectly acceptable, normal even, to do that to myself.  Over any small thing. Any error that I make, any mis-step, any flaws in my approach to trying something new results in this personal berating.  It’s only recently that I’ve acknowledged it, but it’s been happening all of my life.

At times, it’s easier to engage a kinder and gentler coach-type self-talk that reassures me that people are not perfect, that I can always start again in that moment.  But it’s generally a hard thing to practice all of the time.

And the thing is, whatever your goal is, being mean to yourself on the way to that goal is not what keeps you in it.  That mean part of you that emerges when it happens, that’s just avoidance (a goal-evading tactic) rearing its deceptive head.  

You’re mean to yourself after failure, then you avoid the you that’s being mean to yourself because no one wants to be around a mean person - even it’s you. And in order to avoid that mean person, you basically have to avoid the goal that you were working toward in the first place.  So, now you have successfully avoided the mean person and also your personal progress. Really, in these situations, being compassionate with yourself and speaking kindly, as you would to a friend, is what pushes you forward.

When you’re kind to yourself, you don’t create an antagonistic relationship with yourself and that gentleness allows you to take part in the natural process of growth - making mistakes and learning from them - and then move forward to keep growing through those mistakes. Instead of hating yourself, you can love that you are taking on something that causes mistakes, which means you are doing something new and outside of your comfort zone which requires both risk and growth! Yay, you!

But it’s SO hard.

So maybe those ten cookies weren’t a mistake after all.  They were just part of the path that I can look back on and say, “Remember when I ate those ten cookies and couldn’t control myself? I’ve come so far since then.”

And it’s not always cookies.  Sometimes the path that you’re on is about exercising everyday - but you miss a day, or a week or a month.  Perhaps you are trying to drink more water each day. Maybe it’s spending less money when you’re bored at home or watching less TV or reading more - and you just fall into old habits for a minute.  No matter how long that minute turns out to be, you can always jump back onto the progress toward your goal. Just because it didn’t work out for that period of time, that doesn’t mean that dream or that goal has to go away.  Failure and moments of having less discipline are normal! Especially when your goal is a long-term one. But don’t think about that long-term part (that can be scary and defeating too), just focus on right now and the thing you need to do right now to get you back on track and refocused.

And maybe try a different approach.  At these meetings, I’ve never moved the cookies to the other side of the table because I always thought I could control myself - maybe it’s time to try moving the cookies.  Or in that moment when I feel the impulse to open the cookies, get up and get water or take a breath or tell my neighbor to not let me open the cookies.

We do what we think is the right way to do something, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only way.  Making that long-term goal happen means that you’ll need to try ways you haven’t tried before - because if those ways you tried had worked in the past, you would already be at that goal.  

So, now it’s a new moment and I’m ready.  It’s time to try new ways and get that positive voice going in my mind.  Girl Scout cookies (or Peeps, or Cadbury Eggs or Easter candy in general), I’m ready to resist you.