Truth: Getting up early is a gift

Truth: Getting up early is a gift.

Good morning, friends.   It’s 8:20 am as I’m writing this.  I’ve been up for three hours. All three kids are still asleep and my home is blissfully quiet except for the collar shaking of our dogs outside and the hiss of the gas stove heating up my water for tea.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night.  I made the error of taking a late nap, so when I couldn’t sleep, I read my book.  That was my second mistake. Books never put me to sleep, they always keep me up. I was up until 1:45 am reading because the story was getting good. 

When 5 am rolled around and it was time to get up, I was a little groggy, but I got up anyway.  I did my routine: yoga, meditation, workout, shower and now, writing. And I realized, getting up early is actually a gift.  

There are an endless number of people who have remarked about my getting up early that they could never do that or how amazing I am that I do it.  But what they may not realize is that getting up early is a gift. It’s a gift to me, it’s a gift to my kids and it’s a gift to anyone I encounter for the rest of the day.  

I am an introvert.  Having quiet time in my home is a delight to me, but it SO RARELY happens.  Waking up early to do the things that fuel me for the day in the silence of my sleeping home is a gift that I give myself. I give myself the gift of peace and calm in my yoga and meditation.  I give myself the gift of movement and progress toward my goals with my workout. I give myself the gift of less anxiety and more centeredness in my day by taking care of myself first before giving myself away to my kids and their needs.  

And really, getting up early is a gift to my children.  Because I get the peace that I crave, I can show up and really be with them when they do wake up.  I don’t need to rush them along or find a distraction while I finish up whatever I didn’t do. I can prepare us for the day ahead.  Most importantly though, getting up early helps me to be intentional with my day. My goal with my children is to be a patient and loving mother.  In order to make that intention come to life, I need to get my things out of the way first. I need to use my yoga to make distance between me and my emotions so that I’m not constantly reacting to either my kids or my own feelings.  I need to use my workout to bring energy and life to my body and mind. I need my writing time to declutter my mind of ideas.  

Getting up early is also a gift to everyone I encounter that day.  When I work out I challenge myself. That challenge that I bring (and conquer) helps me to go forward into my day with confidence.  It brings me a positive mindset. It helps me to be peaceful with others both in my interactions with them and in the thoughts that I’m having about that interaction.  It helps me to not be as angry and to be more loving: both of which are my goals for how I show up in the world.  

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Getting up early is one of those things that people shrug off as one more thing to do that is not what they want.  It’s hard and they don’t want to do it. And that’s true for me too. But for me, my intentions about who I want to be in the world are more important than not wanting to get out of bed at 5 am on three and a half hours of sleep.  My desire to be a patient and loving person who is joyful starts with me doing hard things, like getting up a little bit earlier.  

Moving forward on a not-so-good feeling day

I admit it, yesterday was a not so great day.  We were freshly home after our five-day beach vacation with our my family.  People woke up a little grumpy (including myself) and things were much quieter than they had been at the beach house.  

Often, for me, a quieter time leaves plenty of space for the negative stuff to creep in: mean messages to myself, unearthing of old hurts, general negativity for what’s ahead.  

What was ahead for the day was a barbecue with our friends to celebrate the Fourth of July.  Although I know it’s always fun, my negative space left me not wanting to interact with anyone outside of those I absolutely had to interact with.  Minimizing any damage I might do, if you will. 

Adding to the negativity was that we were just home from being away.  Going to any food-related party (which is every party) I had no plan for what to bring for the kids to eat, since we can never guarantee that there will be food for them to eat at a party (and we really don’t expect others to accommodate for us).

I really wasn’t wanting to put the required energy behind thinking about food.  

I just felt UGH. And it had that hopeless feeling to it, like “things are bad and they will always be bad.”  It’s so strange when that happens. We just came off of a fantastic vacation and were home in our not-too-hot home, mostly unpacked and back to our normal routine.  There was no reason to feel this way.  

My first thought was to get rid of the feeling.  I started running through all of my usual ideas. It went like this, “Maybe I can avoid all responsibilities and read.  Maybe I can get out of going to the party. Maybe I can get away with being super rude to my family. Maybe I should get drunk today.”  Once I reached the drinking option, I realized I might not be on the right track.  

I decided that I needed to bring in all of my fairly newly learned strategies to deal with them.  

1. Keep my habits. 

Generally, I wake up too early to assess my true feelings in the morning.  It’s usually still dark and I’m always a little sleepy eyed. Any feeling assessment at that moment is subject to change, I mean, I’m still kind of asleep!  But even if I feel that bad feeling creeping in, I do not use that as an excuse to skip out on the things I need to operate at my best. First, it’s yoga. I kinda dread and put off yoga every day.  It’s not my favorite because it invites even more quiet and that is always a challenge for me, but I know that it allows me to have more awareness in my day and take a step back from the chaos to see patterns in myself and my surroundings so I can slow down and make better, more kind decisions. Second, I have to work out.  I do have at least one rest day a week, but for most days, working out is part of the day. Working out wakes me up and brings in a positive, warm energy to the start of my day. If I work out and still feel the “ugh,” that’s a sign that it’s more than just my normal waking-up-bad-mood. But my questioning of my mood or feeling tired is not an excuse to get out of doing things that I know are good for me - and are likely to improve my mood. 

2. Realize that it’s just a feeling and it won’t last forever. 

Although it feels like it’s everything, my feeling is just a feeling.  It’s not actually a reflection of my life and as my friend says, it’s not existential.  My feelings are just feelings and it’s ok to feel them and take my time with them if that’s what’s needed, but if it’s unclear what it’s about and it just feels like a funk, then I don’t need to get lost under it.  And if I do start to get lost under it, I have to remind myself that it won’t last forever - even if it feels like it.  

3. Don’t act on the feeling, just do what is needed.

When the feeling creeps in, I want to disengage from everything and everyone.  Giving in to that feeling is just not helpful for overcoming the feeling or for being the kind of wife and mom that I want to be. I took a moment to look around and see what is great about the moment - yesterday it was about the gorgeous weather, that I was going to make progress on my junk room and that it was good to be home.  I told Jeff how I was feeling so he would know it’s not him, it’s just a feeling. I did have to keep reminding myself to not let my feeling escape out of my mouth onto my kids or Jeff. If I’m buttering bread and am asked for ice in their water, I can respond calmly. If someone wants a hug while I’m grabbing the ice, I can stop and give a hug.  They don’t need to feel shame or hurt because of my psychological turmoil. 

4. When it feels like all you want do is disengage, don’t.

I woke up not wanting to go anywhere or interact with anyone - in person or digitally.  I was annoyed at the idea that I had messages to respond to and people to interact with.  But let’s say that I had the option to ignore all of them - which in my mind, was not a cool thing to do - what would I do instead?  I would spend time alone and either wallow and spin out even more or numb myself out with movies, books or food. I have to ask myself if that’s what I really want for myself: to live a life spinning out or numbed out.  For me, the answer is no. And really, what I know to be true is that when I choose to engage - even when I don’t feel like it- I walk away feeling better and happier and I generally don’t regret it, much like exercising. 

5. There’s a pattern between things slowing down and this feeling. 

This feeling is familiar.  Any time that things slow down, the feeling pops in.  It has happened in years past during longer school breaks - even before I was married and had kids.  When the break was long enough for me to relax, my anxiety would get going and have me obsessing over concerns about students or reliving past negative experiences. I had kind of forgotten about the feeling when we started having kids because they kept me so busy all the time.  Now that we are in a slower season because they are more independent, there is more and more opportunity for the feeling to creep in. And I find the feeling creeping in when Jeff is around and I know I have an “out” and can let him care for them - and him being home means that things are even more slow for me because I can take a slower pace, which often means that my mind goes into overdrive on negative things.  Or when our pace slows down because school is out or I have extra help, that’s when I can expect this feeling to happen. I don’t wait around for the feeling, but when I feel it, I take a moment to think about the bigger picture and ask myself, “Are things slowing down a bit and that’s causing my mind to create this situation?” Often, the answer is yes. And then I decide on my way forward. 

By the end of the night, I could look back on the day with some pride.  I felt that feeling coming in and when I recognized it, I was able to move forward in awareness so that it didn’t take over. Instead, I was able to enjoy all of the most perfect parts of my day.  

Don't believe your tricky, tricky mind

I think about my mind a lot these days.  

In my morning meditation, it loves to be active and think.  It has ALL kinds of things to think about. As I’m trying to keep my mind clear, it wonders if I remembered to set Ana’s alarm (I did) or if they make bundt containers to store your bundt cake (they do) or if there’s enough bacon for breakfast-for-dinner tonight (there is). All of these urgent thoughts come into my mind that really, really do feel urgent.  And as soon as meditation is done… those thoughts are gone.

Why am I heading toward the kids’ room?

What was it that I wanted to check Amazon for?

What was in the freezer that I wanted to check?

And then I realize I’ve been fooled by my mind.  That tricky, tricky mind.

I think that many times we rely on our logic and our thinking to be our friend.  We count on it to help us understand our world or to know the right thing to do or to get work done. But our minds are a bit unreliable.  

They are like little puppies at the end of a leash: so full of energy, tugging this way and that.  It scrambles to the next conclusion (that may be built on faulty perceptions) and it runs about uncontrolled yanking us all over the place dragging us along with it.  

Not only does it trick us into spending our energy on trivial things, it can also trick us into dark, dark places.  It can play over and over messages that we let ourselves have that don’t really belong to us. Things like: you’re not good enough, you don’t deserve this, that person hates you.  You get the picture.

It can also make us relive a scene in our lives that our perception has distorted to make us look like a bad person.  You know, that highlight reel of all of your past mistakes and wrongs that goes on and on long after you should have fallen asleep?  That’s your tricky mind.

But we believe our minds because it’s our mind! We need it to think and reason and make decisions.

But what we really need is to control that puppy.  Remind it that the time for thinking of bundt-shaped containers is later, that those negative messages are not for me and instead, we are going to listen to positive messages.  Your mind always thinks it knows best - like that untamed puppy - but YOU actually know what’s best. A walk is meant to be a walk, not a pull, so it’s time for you to teach that puppy how to slow it down and walk. Sniffing and wandering is fine, but that’s not the purpose at this moment, the purpose is to have a calm and relaxed walk.  

For your mind, all that wandering is something to do and it’s fun, but it’s not meant to do that ALL the time. It’s meant to spend time BEING and it’s meant to be aware. It’s meant to appreciate the beauty around you in every moment of your day.  

In our busy lives, it’s easy to forget that there is magic and beauty everywhere, but it’s there.  Even in that screaming toddler, there is beauty in that. How beautiful is it that his or her forming mind is so strong that it believes that having ice cream at 10pm is a battle that must be won?  Although it can be frustrating in the moment, the silliness of it all is quite beautiful.

The beauty of a leaf always mystifies me.  But a leaf is a piece of life that is made to absorb sunlight and turn it into food for it’s plant.  And leaves are so beautifully symmetrical; they’re unique and built for the job that they do.

There’s definitely beauty in the way that the sun looks on any given sunrise or sunset.  We are often so lost in our tasks and our thinking that we don’t even pause to look and appreciate the play of the light on the sky, but it was there just being beautiful on it’s own.

We have to train our mind to see these beautiful things. We need to see them when we’re angry or sad, or see them when we are bored.  We need to see them when our mind is caught up taking us on a wild goose chase about our own worth.

You get to do that.  YOU are in charge of your mind.  When your mind wanders off from your task, you get to gently remind it what it should be doing.  (But be gentle, there’s no need to be mean to part of yourself, even if it is being tricky.) And when those thoughts come to mind, which are likely irrational and totally untrue, you get to tell your mind to stop and try something different.  You can replace it with fact: I am good enough. I was made perfect just the way I am. I am uniquely me. I am loveable (imperfect, but worthy of love).

Our minds are wonderful - and also tricky.  We can’t allow ourselves to constantly fall prey to its tricks.  Especially, when those tricks deceive us into avoiding things that are good for us: things like eating healthy food, taking the time to not think, loving ourselves as we are.  When it starts taking us down the dark and self-defeating path of self-hate, we have to train ourselves to get our minds of that path. It’s not a path meant for us. The path that’s meant for us is one of gratitude and self-love. We’re meant for a big and beautiful life and you get to help your mind take you there.  

The year that almost broke our marriage

Last year was a trying year for us.  And I learned so much.

So many things happened.  Both Jeff and I brought our own Big Underlying Problem to our marriage.  Neither one of us saw our Big Underlying Problem as an issue - until the pressure was put on.  

In 2018, my father-in-law passed away, my son was hospitalized for a week due to an eczema-related issue, we realized that one of our kids had severe anxiety, another child was encountering “friend” problems regularly, we were in couples counseling and we had regular life ups and downs as well.

2018 was the year that almost ended our marriage.  The thing is, it wasn’t any of the events that was listed above that almost broke it.  It was or Big Underlying Problems, which were ever-present, that almost got us.

My Big Underlying Problem was that I was always angry.  Life was supposed to be a certain way, and when it wasn’t I was mad.  It showed in my body language, it showed in my words and how I said them and it showed in my actions.

Jeff’s Big Underlying Problem brought us to a big decision point and my Big Underlying Problem was really mad about the possibilities.

The only reason we are still married is that we both made the decision to stay married and each do something about our Big Underlying Problem.  We had come that close - one decision - away from divorce.

Each of our Big Underlying Problems required different approaches and different timelines for change.  Jeff’s was more immediate and mine took time.

The most influential habit change that changed my anger: yoga.  

Right after our close call, I happened to be attending a training over a weekend and started this yoga practice every day.  I did it twice a day for forty days and then once a day thereafter.  Since then (almost a year ago), I’ve only skipped yoga a handful of times - not because I like it, but because I NEED it.  When I don’t do the yoga, I feel a bit blinded by my emotions. They are too close to me. When they are so close, I cannot make good decisions and it is hard to be kind.  

Later in the year, I would also attend this training to add meditation to my yoga practice and it really turned the volume up on my awareness. At the time of each training, I was skeptical that it would make a difference, but they certainly have.

I also had a life-changing conversation with a friend.  We were talking about a recent break from work and watching how another couple operated.  We talked about how spouses often continue to punish each other for past wrongs by bringing those past wrongs into the present.  It might look like the silent treatment or it could be a tone. It could be less patience or passive aggressive behavior. I knew that I was bringing past wrongs into so many moments FOR YEARS.  I wondered what it would be like to stop that. Just recognize where I was at with Jeff in that moment and stop punishing him for things that were already over.

And things changed.

I was able to sit and just listen.  I was able to speak kindly even when everything else around us was chaotic.  I was able to calmly tell him why I was upset (if I was upset with him over something) or explain why it was hard for me to be kind (if something other than him was weighing me down).  

This was such great practice.  I started doing it with my kids too.  No more punishing them for keeping us up late the night before or being selfish in the morning.  I could be happier around everyone because of the conscious decision to stop punishing them for past wrongs.  

The morning of our 10th anniversary!

The yoga gave me the distance to see these things and be aware of what I was doing - especially if I fell back into the punishing trap.

Just because I wasn’t punishing, it didn’t always mean that I was a treasure, though.  So I made that change too. Not only did I want to stop punishing Jeff, but I wanted to be a joy for him to be around - regardless of whether or not he was a joy to be around at that time.  

I know that seems ridiculous, but I was also realizing that my life is up to me.  I’m in charge of my own happiness - not anyone else’s. So if I’m in charge of my happiness (and my happiness alone), then I want to be happy! I want to love my life! How other people feel about their lives is not my business.  My business is my life!

So I decided to be a joy.  And I wanted to be a joy to as many people as I could - but mostly my family, because that’s where it was the hardest.  

And things changed.  Everyone was more loving and happy. I was able to see the beautiful things in my life and appreciate them.  My relationship with my kids started to change. I was able to be friendlier (when before it seemed impossible).

Now don’t get me wrong.  My message here is not that a woman should always change to be pleasing to her husband or family.  What I'm saying is think about how you are right now, to anyone.  Is it the way you want to BE with them? And if it’s not, figure out how to change that.  

When I changed myself, it changed us.

I am lucky that my husband does want to be married.  Miraculously, he wants to be married to me. I discovered that I too want to be married.  And I want to be married to him. And in that discovery, the need for punishing and for constant anger receded. And I wanted to change how I responded to him on a daily basis. The days are not always perfect, but more often that not, I find myself responding instead of reacting.  Of being right (just BEING) rather than insisting that I’m correct. And of loving rather than dismissing.

P.S. In case you were wondering, I ALWAYS get permission from Jeff before publishing anything that I’ve written that includes him. This post is published with his approval and support.