Truth: Getting up early is a gift

Truth: Getting up early is a gift.

Good morning, friends.   It’s 8:20 am as I’m writing this.  I’ve been up for three hours. All three kids are still asleep and my home is blissfully quiet except for the collar shaking of our dogs outside and the hiss of the gas stove heating up my water for tea.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night.  I made the error of taking a late nap, so when I couldn’t sleep, I read my book.  That was my second mistake. Books never put me to sleep, they always keep me up. I was up until 1:45 am reading because the story was getting good. 

When 5 am rolled around and it was time to get up, I was a little groggy, but I got up anyway.  I did my routine: yoga, meditation, workout, shower and now, writing. And I realized, getting up early is actually a gift.  

There are an endless number of people who have remarked about my getting up early that they could never do that or how amazing I am that I do it.  But what they may not realize is that getting up early is a gift. It’s a gift to me, it’s a gift to my kids and it’s a gift to anyone I encounter for the rest of the day.  

I am an introvert.  Having quiet time in my home is a delight to me, but it SO RARELY happens.  Waking up early to do the things that fuel me for the day in the silence of my sleeping home is a gift that I give myself. I give myself the gift of peace and calm in my yoga and meditation.  I give myself the gift of movement and progress toward my goals with my workout. I give myself the gift of less anxiety and more centeredness in my day by taking care of myself first before giving myself away to my kids and their needs.  

And really, getting up early is a gift to my children.  Because I get the peace that I crave, I can show up and really be with them when they do wake up.  I don’t need to rush them along or find a distraction while I finish up whatever I didn’t do. I can prepare us for the day ahead.  Most importantly though, getting up early helps me to be intentional with my day. My goal with my children is to be a patient and loving mother.  In order to make that intention come to life, I need to get my things out of the way first. I need to use my yoga to make distance between me and my emotions so that I’m not constantly reacting to either my kids or my own feelings.  I need to use my workout to bring energy and life to my body and mind. I need my writing time to declutter my mind of ideas.  

Getting up early is also a gift to everyone I encounter that day.  When I work out I challenge myself. That challenge that I bring (and conquer) helps me to go forward into my day with confidence.  It brings me a positive mindset. It helps me to be peaceful with others both in my interactions with them and in the thoughts that I’m having about that interaction.  It helps me to not be as angry and to be more loving: both of which are my goals for how I show up in the world.  

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Getting up early is one of those things that people shrug off as one more thing to do that is not what they want.  It’s hard and they don’t want to do it. And that’s true for me too. But for me, my intentions about who I want to be in the world are more important than not wanting to get out of bed at 5 am on three and a half hours of sleep.  My desire to be a patient and loving person who is joyful starts with me doing hard things, like getting up a little bit earlier.  

Moving forward on a not-so-good feeling day

I admit it, yesterday was a not so great day.  We were freshly home after our five-day beach vacation with our my family.  People woke up a little grumpy (including myself) and things were much quieter than they had been at the beach house.  

Often, for me, a quieter time leaves plenty of space for the negative stuff to creep in: mean messages to myself, unearthing of old hurts, general negativity for what’s ahead.  

What was ahead for the day was a barbecue with our friends to celebrate the Fourth of July.  Although I know it’s always fun, my negative space left me not wanting to interact with anyone outside of those I absolutely had to interact with.  Minimizing any damage I might do, if you will. 

Adding to the negativity was that we were just home from being away.  Going to any food-related party (which is every party) I had no plan for what to bring for the kids to eat, since we can never guarantee that there will be food for them to eat at a party (and we really don’t expect others to accommodate for us).

I really wasn’t wanting to put the required energy behind thinking about food.  

I just felt UGH. And it had that hopeless feeling to it, like “things are bad and they will always be bad.”  It’s so strange when that happens. We just came off of a fantastic vacation and were home in our not-too-hot home, mostly unpacked and back to our normal routine.  There was no reason to feel this way.  

My first thought was to get rid of the feeling.  I started running through all of my usual ideas. It went like this, “Maybe I can avoid all responsibilities and read.  Maybe I can get out of going to the party. Maybe I can get away with being super rude to my family. Maybe I should get drunk today.”  Once I reached the drinking option, I realized I might not be on the right track.  

I decided that I needed to bring in all of my fairly newly learned strategies to deal with them.  

1. Keep my habits. 

Generally, I wake up too early to assess my true feelings in the morning.  It’s usually still dark and I’m always a little sleepy eyed. Any feeling assessment at that moment is subject to change, I mean, I’m still kind of asleep!  But even if I feel that bad feeling creeping in, I do not use that as an excuse to skip out on the things I need to operate at my best. First, it’s yoga. I kinda dread and put off yoga every day.  It’s not my favorite because it invites even more quiet and that is always a challenge for me, but I know that it allows me to have more awareness in my day and take a step back from the chaos to see patterns in myself and my surroundings so I can slow down and make better, more kind decisions. Second, I have to work out.  I do have at least one rest day a week, but for most days, working out is part of the day. Working out wakes me up and brings in a positive, warm energy to the start of my day. If I work out and still feel the “ugh,” that’s a sign that it’s more than just my normal waking-up-bad-mood. But my questioning of my mood or feeling tired is not an excuse to get out of doing things that I know are good for me - and are likely to improve my mood. 

2. Realize that it’s just a feeling and it won’t last forever. 

Although it feels like it’s everything, my feeling is just a feeling.  It’s not actually a reflection of my life and as my friend says, it’s not existential.  My feelings are just feelings and it’s ok to feel them and take my time with them if that’s what’s needed, but if it’s unclear what it’s about and it just feels like a funk, then I don’t need to get lost under it.  And if I do start to get lost under it, I have to remind myself that it won’t last forever - even if it feels like it.  

3. Don’t act on the feeling, just do what is needed.

When the feeling creeps in, I want to disengage from everything and everyone.  Giving in to that feeling is just not helpful for overcoming the feeling or for being the kind of wife and mom that I want to be. I took a moment to look around and see what is great about the moment - yesterday it was about the gorgeous weather, that I was going to make progress on my junk room and that it was good to be home.  I told Jeff how I was feeling so he would know it’s not him, it’s just a feeling. I did have to keep reminding myself to not let my feeling escape out of my mouth onto my kids or Jeff. If I’m buttering bread and am asked for ice in their water, I can respond calmly. If someone wants a hug while I’m grabbing the ice, I can stop and give a hug.  They don’t need to feel shame or hurt because of my psychological turmoil. 

4. When it feels like all you want do is disengage, don’t.

I woke up not wanting to go anywhere or interact with anyone - in person or digitally.  I was annoyed at the idea that I had messages to respond to and people to interact with.  But let’s say that I had the option to ignore all of them - which in my mind, was not a cool thing to do - what would I do instead?  I would spend time alone and either wallow and spin out even more or numb myself out with movies, books or food. I have to ask myself if that’s what I really want for myself: to live a life spinning out or numbed out.  For me, the answer is no. And really, what I know to be true is that when I choose to engage - even when I don’t feel like it- I walk away feeling better and happier and I generally don’t regret it, much like exercising. 

5. There’s a pattern between things slowing down and this feeling. 

This feeling is familiar.  Any time that things slow down, the feeling pops in.  It has happened in years past during longer school breaks - even before I was married and had kids.  When the break was long enough for me to relax, my anxiety would get going and have me obsessing over concerns about students or reliving past negative experiences. I had kind of forgotten about the feeling when we started having kids because they kept me so busy all the time.  Now that we are in a slower season because they are more independent, there is more and more opportunity for the feeling to creep in. And I find the feeling creeping in when Jeff is around and I know I have an “out” and can let him care for them - and him being home means that things are even more slow for me because I can take a slower pace, which often means that my mind goes into overdrive on negative things.  Or when our pace slows down because school is out or I have extra help, that’s when I can expect this feeling to happen. I don’t wait around for the feeling, but when I feel it, I take a moment to think about the bigger picture and ask myself, “Are things slowing down a bit and that’s causing my mind to create this situation?” Often, the answer is yes. And then I decide on my way forward. 

By the end of the night, I could look back on the day with some pride.  I felt that feeling coming in and when I recognized it, I was able to move forward in awareness so that it didn’t take over. Instead, I was able to enjoy all of the most perfect parts of my day.  

Becoming a mom: A convenient way to become small

Having kids made it so easy, though to shrink back from the things that were a bit of a challenge and let my fear grow, which caused me to become even smaller.

Becoming a mother was really of my ultimate dreams.  I was going to have a job, get married and have kids.  That summed up what I wanted for my life. I think that’s fairly general and uncreative desire.  So, maybe my dreams didn’t start out all that big to begin with. I chalk that up to my own self-doubt (that I continue to struggle with).  

We have three kids.  Three sounds like a manageable number, but let me tell you, it often feels like one million kids.  Ours are close in age (currently ages 8, 6 and 5) and two-thirds of them have some sort of recurring or persistent health issue. Even if they had no health issues, three kids is a lot of mental, emotional and physical work.  It can really consume you and drain you of life.

Now, here’s where people are like, “But children are a gift” and “You’re so blessed” and “They grow so fast.”  And all of those things are true. But parenting, much like the rest of life and humanity is a multi-dimensioned thing.  It’s complicated and simple. And tiring and beautiful. And it gives people permission to shrink themselves.

I have been lost in the chaos for quite some time.  I think I finally started to emerge about two years ago.  At that point, I started to try things that were outside of my comfort zone just to grow as a person.  Becoming a mother had helped me kind of stop seeing myself as a person and just saw myself as a vehicle for survival for my family: the product of my ultimate dream.

Just like marriage, though, having kids is not really an actualized dream in itself, it’s more of a threshold that you cross into some really rough and scary territory.  Parenthood (and marriage) is the beginning of something new, not an end - and often, the something new is difficult and involves things you never thought you’d ever have to do or think about.

And it’s busy.  You could easily busy yourself with all of the things that your little tyrants, I mean treasures, want or need.  Washing clothes, preparing food, following through with rewards/consequences, playing, organizing, or shopping for their tiny clothes.

And the thing is, that busy-ness that seems necessary is actually a trap. Or a really convenient excuse to put yourself second (or third or fourth or tenth) on your list of priorities.  And over time, your dreams and desires for yourself become shrink so much that you kind of forget that you had them.

And the busy-ness is sometimes secret camouflage for fear.

“I can’t do that, I don’t have time to.“

“I can’t take care of myself, I have to take care of the kids. My husband doesn’t know how to take care of the kids like I do.”

“ I don’t have the time to go to school/work out/eat well/do yoga/spend time with friends because I’m needed at home.”

And it may be true.  And it also may be a lie.  

It’s easy to say that your family is first.  I mean, we hear it all the time, right? But as a parent, you are really leading the charge here.  You are teaching these young people how to live and how to be. And if you’re not taking care of yourself and making your dreams come true, what are you teaching them about taking care of themselves and making their dreams come true?

Modeling behavior is one very commonly used teaching strategy in the classroom and in life.  But we forget that sometimes. And sometimes we forget that parenting is actually teaching another person how to exist and survive in the world - the same world that we live and function in on a daily basis.

But really, when you put your family first, sometimes what your mind is secretly telling you is something like, “I am afraid to take the risk to learn how to dance, so I will keep myself busy making dinner from scratch every night.” “I don’t want to face the possibility of being scrutinized, so I won’t write the book that I want to write.”  “I don’t want to be judged by others so, I’m not going to _____ - instead I’ll re-organize the kids’ closet. What brings us joy anyway?” “It’s hard for me to navigate social situations, so I’ll just make sure I’m super mom at home.”

And if you’re a stay at home mom, the challenge is way bigger.  Not only do you miss out on the validation that working moms often find at work, you tend to get no validation or even negative messaging that you are doing your job horribly (either through unfinished tasks or misbehaving children). So you face the task of having to find confidence that comes with regular accomplishment somewhere deep, deep inside you.  You have to find the courage to try and take a risk that may not exist anymore because you don’t have the repeated feedback loop that tells you that you are regularly facing challenges and overcoming them in some way. (Most of that comes from our own mental messages to ourselves and our natural tendency to focus on the negative, not the positive messages that we give ourselves.)

“I am afraid that if I try to eat right, I’ll fall off the wagon - again - so I’ll just make sure that we get to all of our appointments on time and just do my best.”

“I am afraid of feeling left out, so I won’t make plans with people.”

“They won’t like me, so I won’t join that mom’s group.”

You should not do things that you don’t want to do just because you want to punish yourself. That’s not what I’m saying.  But what I’m saying is that having a family is sometimes a convenient excuse to let your fear take over your thinking and hold you back from all of the amazing things that you can experience in life.  This is your one life and that fear of failure (or fear of success) is VERY strong. So you don’t have to say yes to everything, but think about why you’re saying no. Is it because you really have no desire to participate, or is it because you are afraid of what will happen if you DO say yes?

Because if it’s fear, then you alone (and not your family) is holding you back.

Everyone faces obstacles on their success (otherwise the success would be meaningless!) and the obstacles look different for everyone.  But there are many ways around an obstacle - sometimes it’s over, under, around or through. If you are trying the same ways over and over to overcome your obstacle, your fear may be telling you that it’s too hard to overcome.  It might be time to pull in some extra help to get you thinking of different and new ways to overcome it. And it might be time to be OPEN to trying something new. (Which is totally scary, I get it.) But when it comes to your life - you are the boss and you get to decide what your experience of this life will be.  No matter what the obstacles.

(Still) Putting the work into our marriage

A few years ago, I wrote a  blog post about the work that goes into marriage.  That idea of putting work into marriage is on my mind often.  I remember as an unmarried person (over a decade ago!) wondering what it meant to put work into your marriage/relationship.  I didn’t understand it. I mean, you like the person and you just show up and exist together. How hard could that be?

The thing is, it can be very hard.  Living in the same space together, making parenting decisions together, consistently carrying out all of the decisions you’ve made and keeping things afloat (bills, schedules, meals, appointments) and growing as individuals can create both busy-ness and tension.  

Life in a family with (in our case) three children is hectic.  There is hardly any time to have conversation let alone to have the conversations that matter to your relationship.  

And it’s all tiring!  So you escape to social media, television, or reading to give yourself a little break.  It is SO easy to slowly drift away from each other even when you sleep right next to each other every night.

No marriage is ever as perfect as it seems from the outside, but I suspect that the people in successful marriages are constantly putting in the work. The more time I spend learning about it, the more I think that this is part of what that work might look like.

1. They know each other's’ love languages and they speak them regularly and fluently.  

If you haven’t heard about the five love languages, you should check out this book or listen to this podcast.  Author and marriage counselor Gary Chapman took years of research as a marriage counselor and years of hearing people say, “She/He just doesn’t love me” to write a book about the ways that people like to feel loved.  He narrows it down to five love languages: physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and gifts. Often people show love in their love language, but if that love language is not shared by their partner (which it probably is not) then the partner does not perceive the love intended by the act that was given.  In other words, you may be doing something to express your love for your spouse and they may not feel the love that you are intending.

2. They have a mindfulness practice.

Knowing the benefits of mindfulness, I have struggled to maintain a consistent mindfulness practice.  Now that I have been very disciplined in doing my yoga and mindfulness practice at home every day for almost a year, I see the major difference it has made for me.  It allows me to step back and decide how I want to behave rather than go with the first knee-jerk reaction I have. And even when I fall into the rut of behaving in a way that I don’t want to (reacting with impatience, anger, etc.), I recognize it faster and can change my behavior or at least apologize more quickly.  These practices have GREATLY impacted my ability to give myself feedback on my listening, patience, hard-headedness, and happiness - especially when it comes to Jeff. The awareness created in this practice has helped me to listen, be present and be a better partner/mother/teacher/friend. The biggest change in this last year that helped me to be consistent in mindfulness: I had someone to talk to about it who already had a successful practice going.  I could ask if I was doing it “right” or I got feedback that they could see a difference and they constantly made suggestions about my next steps. So if you decide to start a mindfulness practice (there are lots of great apps out there) or if you are already doing something even if it doesn’t feel like it’s going right, it probably is - just don’t quit - and find someone you can talk to about it. (I’m here!)

3. They listen.

This is probably one of the most challenging parts of being together for a long time.  Things get chaotic. We are distracted. The chores need doing. That TV show needs watching.  We forget to stop and understand what the other is saying. Or when we do listen, we listen to respond, not to hear them and why they are sharing whatever they’re sharing. Just listen to understand. Be open to what they are sharing about themselves with you.  But mostly, put down your phone, pause your podcast, stop the episode and just hear what they are saying while looking at their face.

4. They grow personally.

It can feel selfish to focus on yourself, especially among the chaos of kids and life.  The thing is we bring our best when we are our best. But our best changes. What was our best six months ago (or even yesterday) may not be our best today. You may be ready to grow into the person you are still becoming.   And, more importantly, THIS IS YOUR LIFE. Why not live to be the biggest and best version of yourself that can be? Primarily, I push myself to make and meet goals for myself, however, my marriage benefits as a result.  My personal growth path has helped me to be more compassionate, remove my own negativity from our interactions, see things differently and be more loving.

Personal growth looks different for everyone, but for me, it’s reading inspiring books (The Five Love Languages, The Four Agreements, The Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work, Girl, Wash your Face).  But it could be listening to inspiring podcasts, attending a conference, going to therapy, learning something new (yoga, playing checkers, a language).  Growing yourself doesn’t mean you need to drag your spouse along. They may want to join you in growth (or they may not), but whatever benefits you get out of that growth will overflow onto your marriage and make it stronger. In this case, like most, it’s about you and focusing on yourself which will ultimately help your relationship.

5. Be a treasure.

This is possibly the weirdest and best thing I ever tried.  I can’t even believe that I use the words “be a treasure.” It sounds so corny, but, honestly, this was a life-changing revelation for me.  Keep in mind, I am often not a treasure, so this was tough and requires constant awareness (I’m growing!). After having a conversation with a friend about their observations of another person’s marriage, we were discussing how partners often punish each other for their past wrongs.  They bring those past wrongs into their present interactions. Here’s an example: let’s say that Jeff forgot to change the knobs on the kids’ play kitchen like I had asked. And that was yesterday. Today, I see those old broken knobs and I’m pissed because he didn’t do what he said he’d do.  Today, I might punish him by angrily confronting him about it, making a passive aggressive comment or I might speak to him in a rude tone when he asks me a question about our plans today. (Let’s be real, I’m likely to do all three.)

So after having this conversation with my friend, I asked myself, what if I just decided that I wanted to be a treasure? What if I wanted to be someone that Jeff might enjoy being around?  

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean being fake.  I will still be honest with Jeff about how I’m feeling or what frustrates me, but I do my best to stop and stay it in the kindest way that I can manage.  Like maybe the way I’d speak to a colleague at work that I was having conflict with.

What I have found when I do this is that 1) he hears me 2) to be kind, I have to recognize that he’s just a person doing his best too, so my mindset around who he is changes 3) I see how ridiculous some of my complaints are in the grand scheme of things.

The best thing about it: he responds.  If you know Jeff, he loves to be happy and optimistic.  Every day, I was making him have to work hard to maintain his happy and optimistic attitude.  But as I’ve recognized my role in our dysfunctions, I’ve done my best and he has responded. His mood is lighter. We are taking more opportunities to connect rather than push away.  

Don’t get me wrong on any of this.  Your partner also has a role in making a marriage work, but I know that I am only responsible for me and my part in this relationship. Every step along the way, I have been transparent with Jeff about my intentions.  His awareness helps him to be supportive and open to responding in a positive way. Even if he didn’t respond positively, I must live a life that I am happy with and I’ve chosen to go all in with my part in this relationship because I want to live big and I don’t want to leave anything on the table when it comes to my well-being and the well-being of my marriage and family.

Don't believe your tricky, tricky mind

I think about my mind a lot these days.  

In my morning meditation, it loves to be active and think.  It has ALL kinds of things to think about. As I’m trying to keep my mind clear, it wonders if I remembered to set Ana’s alarm (I did) or if they make bundt containers to store your bundt cake (they do) or if there’s enough bacon for breakfast-for-dinner tonight (there is). All of these urgent thoughts come into my mind that really, really do feel urgent.  And as soon as meditation is done… those thoughts are gone.

Why am I heading toward the kids’ room?

What was it that I wanted to check Amazon for?

What was in the freezer that I wanted to check?

And then I realize I’ve been fooled by my mind.  That tricky, tricky mind.

I think that many times we rely on our logic and our thinking to be our friend.  We count on it to help us understand our world or to know the right thing to do or to get work done. But our minds are a bit unreliable.  

They are like little puppies at the end of a leash: so full of energy, tugging this way and that.  It scrambles to the next conclusion (that may be built on faulty perceptions) and it runs about uncontrolled yanking us all over the place dragging us along with it.  

Not only does it trick us into spending our energy on trivial things, it can also trick us into dark, dark places.  It can play over and over messages that we let ourselves have that don’t really belong to us. Things like: you’re not good enough, you don’t deserve this, that person hates you.  You get the picture.

It can also make us relive a scene in our lives that our perception has distorted to make us look like a bad person.  You know, that highlight reel of all of your past mistakes and wrongs that goes on and on long after you should have fallen asleep?  That’s your tricky mind.

But we believe our minds because it’s our mind! We need it to think and reason and make decisions.

But what we really need is to control that puppy.  Remind it that the time for thinking of bundt-shaped containers is later, that those negative messages are not for me and instead, we are going to listen to positive messages.  Your mind always thinks it knows best - like that untamed puppy - but YOU actually know what’s best. A walk is meant to be a walk, not a pull, so it’s time for you to teach that puppy how to slow it down and walk. Sniffing and wandering is fine, but that’s not the purpose at this moment, the purpose is to have a calm and relaxed walk.  

For your mind, all that wandering is something to do and it’s fun, but it’s not meant to do that ALL the time. It’s meant to spend time BEING and it’s meant to be aware. It’s meant to appreciate the beauty around you in every moment of your day.  

In our busy lives, it’s easy to forget that there is magic and beauty everywhere, but it’s there.  Even in that screaming toddler, there is beauty in that. How beautiful is it that his or her forming mind is so strong that it believes that having ice cream at 10pm is a battle that must be won?  Although it can be frustrating in the moment, the silliness of it all is quite beautiful.

The beauty of a leaf always mystifies me.  But a leaf is a piece of life that is made to absorb sunlight and turn it into food for it’s plant.  And leaves are so beautifully symmetrical; they’re unique and built for the job that they do.

There’s definitely beauty in the way that the sun looks on any given sunrise or sunset.  We are often so lost in our tasks and our thinking that we don’t even pause to look and appreciate the play of the light on the sky, but it was there just being beautiful on it’s own.

We have to train our mind to see these beautiful things. We need to see them when we’re angry or sad, or see them when we are bored.  We need to see them when our mind is caught up taking us on a wild goose chase about our own worth.

You get to do that.  YOU are in charge of your mind.  When your mind wanders off from your task, you get to gently remind it what it should be doing.  (But be gentle, there’s no need to be mean to part of yourself, even if it is being tricky.) And when those thoughts come to mind, which are likely irrational and totally untrue, you get to tell your mind to stop and try something different.  You can replace it with fact: I am good enough. I was made perfect just the way I am. I am uniquely me. I am loveable (imperfect, but worthy of love).

Our minds are wonderful - and also tricky.  We can’t allow ourselves to constantly fall prey to its tricks.  Especially, when those tricks deceive us into avoiding things that are good for us: things like eating healthy food, taking the time to not think, loving ourselves as we are.  When it starts taking us down the dark and self-defeating path of self-hate, we have to train ourselves to get our minds of that path. It’s not a path meant for us. The path that’s meant for us is one of gratitude and self-love. We’re meant for a big and beautiful life and you get to help your mind take you there.