Opening Your Circle

I had the experience of chaperoning my daughter’s second grade field trip a few weeks ago.  From the kid side, it was everything you’d expect it to be: a little chaotic, very energetic and lots of boundaries being pushed.  One thing that I hadn’t really expected was the adult dynamics.

I’m a working mom.  I teach full time, which means that during most of the time that my kids are at school, I’m at school too.  So, volunteering in the classroom and going on field trips is a pretty unlikely thing. On the rare occasion that I’ve done drop off or pick up there are other parents there.  Most of them are moms and some are dads. Most people keep to themselves or they chat with their friend. If a new person walks up, they may acknowledge them, but they probably don’t.  All of this is complicated by the fact that my kids are in a Two Way Bilingual Immersion (TWBI) program, which means that half of the families in the class speak Spanish as their first language (and may not speak English).

Such was the case on this field trip.  We were a tad bit late, so the class was already assembled in the classroom.  A few parents were lingering about. Teacher was explaining to a few parents what to do. As the late person, I tried to assimilate and pick up any info that I could.  

As more parents trickled in, I noticed that no one really introduced each other even when they obviously didn’t know each other.  And those who did know each other gravitated toward each other.

Since we had different arrival times and the kids were in the background excitedly anticipating our departure, there wasn’t really an opportunity to initiate a meet and greet that would distract students and add to the din.

And I was tired.  As we all are. I had no coffee because I was outside of my normal routine and I felt a bit like a freshly pressed zombie.  

So for those first twenty minutes, I just tried to stay out of the way.  And I watched. It felt like my moment to fit in or meet people had passed.  And I was grumpy, so I was ready to put on my “screw everyone” attitude.

And then I remembered that my goal this year is to live.  I don’t want to sit in the sidelines and watch things unfold as a spectator. I want to get out there and be a part of the action.  

As hard as it was, I softened my face and tried to ease the scowl away.  I opened up my mind and relaxed my shoulders. Once we got moving, I approached a mom and introduced myself.  Then once we got on the bus, I introduced myself to someone else.

Now, small talk is NOT my forte, but I did my best.  And that’s what living is. It’s doing your best, learning from it and moving on.  It may have been a total failure or they may have found me annoying or they may have hated me from the start, but that part isn’t my business.  What is my business is how I choose to act in my life. If I don’t want to be a bystander in my life, I have to take awkward risks. And then I have to release it.  I can’t go back and analyze every little comment and gesture. Whatever happened in that moment was just a moment and it was a learning moment.

Looking back now, I wish I had been riskier.  I wish I had approached each parent, even those who didn’t speak English and at least introduced myself.  These things are awkward and always will be, but I have to trust that I belong there too and that I have something to offer.  

When you look at your life, are you bystanding or are you playing the game?  I know there are moments when bystanding is the best you can do, but if you find yourself repeatedly doing so and being a passive participant, you might be missing out on the fun - or better yet, the awkwardness of living. Maybe it's time to open your circle to include someone new.

When you get a diagnosis...

In all of the time that we have been working with various professionals, I hadn’t thought much about a diagnosis for our son.  I just knew that we were using our available resources to help him. When the school’s support team met last month to talk through next steps, they asked if he had an official diagnosis.  While I knew what diagnosis meant, I wasn’t really sure what that would look like. I wasn’t even sure that any of the doctors had specifically named something as an “official” diagnosis.

And then the other day, I finally remembered to circle back to the doctor to see about an official diagnosis.  And she had two: one that I suspected and a second one that we had discussed before in passing, but never as an official diagnosis.  And then there I was, sitting with this diagnosis and I was a little shocked.

I guess I was shocked at the official diagnosis of it.  I knew he definitely had the symptoms, but I didn’t know at what point the diagnosis would come - and I guess I figured it would be down the road more.  

The benefit of being a teacher (well, one of them anyway) is that I’ve seen how this diagnosis can play out in the teenage years.  And I know that it can go away if we can teach him how to manage his anxiety. And as far as diagnoses go, this one is pretty minor.  And yet, it gave me pause.

I was discussing it with a friend and she asked if I had told him about the diagnosis.  We haven’t. And then she asked if we were doing anything differently. We aren’t.

And when she asked those two questions, I had to explain to her, we aren’t doing anything differently, it’s just that psychologically my perspective is different.  THAT is the part that’s interesting. Nothing is different except the words that we use around the same thing that we’ve seen all year. And, last week, the week that we got the diagnosis, he spoke to his teacher at least once each day for the longest speaking streak he’s ever had! What has changed is how I see him.  Rather than being a person fully capable of stepping up and doing the things we ask, the diagnoses makes me hesitate. And that’s not right. It has me asking his future church school teacher if he will still be able to attend church school given his situation - but with no diagnosis, I would have assumed that he belonged there and just explained that he’s a little different than some kids, but does things mostly the same.

The real upside to having a diagnosis is that we have a justification for advocating for our son, but the things we’re advocating for are not meant to cater to maintaining this diagnosis and instead to help him grow out of it.  My hope is that having this diagnosis will bring awareness to his future teacher and maybe create a little more patience and compassion, but not fewer opportunities to participate. And that’s what I need to remember: now that we have this little piece of paper, our expectations of him do not change at all, but we may need to have a little more patience and compassion around his timetable to sort things out.

So for now, we’ll just keep doing what we’re doing and challenging him to push himself to do what he can.  In the meantime, I’ll be checking my mind’s desire to pave the way for him.

Becoming a mom: A convenient way to become small

Having kids made it so easy, though to shrink back from the things that were a bit of a challenge and let my fear grow, which caused me to become even smaller.

Becoming a mother was really of my ultimate dreams.  I was going to have a job, get married and have kids.  That summed up what I wanted for my life. I think that’s fairly general and uncreative desire.  So, maybe my dreams didn’t start out all that big to begin with. I chalk that up to my own self-doubt (that I continue to struggle with).  

We have three kids.  Three sounds like a manageable number, but let me tell you, it often feels like one million kids.  Ours are close in age (currently ages 8, 6 and 5) and two-thirds of them have some sort of recurring or persistent health issue. Even if they had no health issues, three kids is a lot of mental, emotional and physical work.  It can really consume you and drain you of life.

Now, here’s where people are like, “But children are a gift” and “You’re so blessed” and “They grow so fast.”  And all of those things are true. But parenting, much like the rest of life and humanity is a multi-dimensioned thing.  It’s complicated and simple. And tiring and beautiful. And it gives people permission to shrink themselves.

I have been lost in the chaos for quite some time.  I think I finally started to emerge about two years ago.  At that point, I started to try things that were outside of my comfort zone just to grow as a person.  Becoming a mother had helped me kind of stop seeing myself as a person and just saw myself as a vehicle for survival for my family: the product of my ultimate dream.

Just like marriage, though, having kids is not really an actualized dream in itself, it’s more of a threshold that you cross into some really rough and scary territory.  Parenthood (and marriage) is the beginning of something new, not an end - and often, the something new is difficult and involves things you never thought you’d ever have to do or think about.

And it’s busy.  You could easily busy yourself with all of the things that your little tyrants, I mean treasures, want or need.  Washing clothes, preparing food, following through with rewards/consequences, playing, organizing, or shopping for their tiny clothes.

And the thing is, that busy-ness that seems necessary is actually a trap. Or a really convenient excuse to put yourself second (or third or fourth or tenth) on your list of priorities.  And over time, your dreams and desires for yourself become shrink so much that you kind of forget that you had them.

And the busy-ness is sometimes secret camouflage for fear.

“I can’t do that, I don’t have time to.“

“I can’t take care of myself, I have to take care of the kids. My husband doesn’t know how to take care of the kids like I do.”

“ I don’t have the time to go to school/work out/eat well/do yoga/spend time with friends because I’m needed at home.”

And it may be true.  And it also may be a lie.  

It’s easy to say that your family is first.  I mean, we hear it all the time, right? But as a parent, you are really leading the charge here.  You are teaching these young people how to live and how to be. And if you’re not taking care of yourself and making your dreams come true, what are you teaching them about taking care of themselves and making their dreams come true?

Modeling behavior is one very commonly used teaching strategy in the classroom and in life.  But we forget that sometimes. And sometimes we forget that parenting is actually teaching another person how to exist and survive in the world - the same world that we live and function in on a daily basis.

But really, when you put your family first, sometimes what your mind is secretly telling you is something like, “I am afraid to take the risk to learn how to dance, so I will keep myself busy making dinner from scratch every night.” “I don’t want to face the possibility of being scrutinized, so I won’t write the book that I want to write.”  “I don’t want to be judged by others so, I’m not going to _____ - instead I’ll re-organize the kids’ closet. What brings us joy anyway?” “It’s hard for me to navigate social situations, so I’ll just make sure I’m super mom at home.”

And if you’re a stay at home mom, the challenge is way bigger.  Not only do you miss out on the validation that working moms often find at work, you tend to get no validation or even negative messaging that you are doing your job horribly (either through unfinished tasks or misbehaving children). So you face the task of having to find confidence that comes with regular accomplishment somewhere deep, deep inside you.  You have to find the courage to try and take a risk that may not exist anymore because you don’t have the repeated feedback loop that tells you that you are regularly facing challenges and overcoming them in some way. (Most of that comes from our own mental messages to ourselves and our natural tendency to focus on the negative, not the positive messages that we give ourselves.)

“I am afraid that if I try to eat right, I’ll fall off the wagon - again - so I’ll just make sure that we get to all of our appointments on time and just do my best.”

“I am afraid of feeling left out, so I won’t make plans with people.”

“They won’t like me, so I won’t join that mom’s group.”

You should not do things that you don’t want to do just because you want to punish yourself. That’s not what I’m saying.  But what I’m saying is that having a family is sometimes a convenient excuse to let your fear take over your thinking and hold you back from all of the amazing things that you can experience in life.  This is your one life and that fear of failure (or fear of success) is VERY strong. So you don’t have to say yes to everything, but think about why you’re saying no. Is it because you really have no desire to participate, or is it because you are afraid of what will happen if you DO say yes?

Because if it’s fear, then you alone (and not your family) is holding you back.

Everyone faces obstacles on their success (otherwise the success would be meaningless!) and the obstacles look different for everyone.  But there are many ways around an obstacle - sometimes it’s over, under, around or through. If you are trying the same ways over and over to overcome your obstacle, your fear may be telling you that it’s too hard to overcome.  It might be time to pull in some extra help to get you thinking of different and new ways to overcome it. And it might be time to be OPEN to trying something new. (Which is totally scary, I get it.) But when it comes to your life - you are the boss and you get to decide what your experience of this life will be.  No matter what the obstacles.