Having kids made it so easy, though to shrink back from the things that were a bit of a challenge and let my fear grow, which caused me to become even smaller.
Becoming a mother was really of my ultimate dreams. I was going to have a job, get married and have kids. That summed up what I wanted for my life. I think that’s fairly general and uncreative desire. So, maybe my dreams didn’t start out all that big to begin with. I chalk that up to my own self-doubt (that I continue to struggle with).
We have three kids. Three sounds like a manageable number, but let me tell you, it often feels like one million kids. Ours are close in age (currently ages 8, 6 and 5) and two-thirds of them have some sort of recurring or persistent health issue. Even if they had no health issues, three kids is a lot of mental, emotional and physical work. It can really consume you and drain you of life.
Now, here’s where people are like, “But children are a gift” and “You’re so blessed” and “They grow so fast.” And all of those things are true. But parenting, much like the rest of life and humanity is a multi-dimensioned thing. It’s complicated and simple. And tiring and beautiful. And it gives people permission to shrink themselves.
I have been lost in the chaos for quite some time. I think I finally started to emerge about two years ago. At that point, I started to try things that were outside of my comfort zone just to grow as a person. Becoming a mother had helped me kind of stop seeing myself as a person and just saw myself as a vehicle for survival for my family: the product of my ultimate dream.
Just like marriage, though, having kids is not really an actualized dream in itself, it’s more of a threshold that you cross into some really rough and scary territory. Parenthood (and marriage) is the beginning of something new, not an end - and often, the something new is difficult and involves things you never thought you’d ever have to do or think about.
And it’s busy. You could easily busy yourself with all of the things that your little tyrants, I mean treasures, want or need. Washing clothes, preparing food, following through with rewards/consequences, playing, organizing, or shopping for their tiny clothes.
And the thing is, that busy-ness that seems necessary is actually a trap. Or a really convenient excuse to put yourself second (or third or fourth or tenth) on your list of priorities. And over time, your dreams and desires for yourself become shrink so much that you kind of forget that you had them.
And the busy-ness is sometimes secret camouflage for fear.
“I can’t do that, I don’t have time to.“
“I can’t take care of myself, I have to take care of the kids. My husband doesn’t know how to take care of the kids like I do.”
“ I don’t have the time to go to school/work out/eat well/do yoga/spend time with friends because I’m needed at home.”
And it may be true. And it also may be a lie.
It’s easy to say that your family is first. I mean, we hear it all the time, right? But as a parent, you are really leading the charge here. You are teaching these young people how to live and how to be. And if you’re not taking care of yourself and making your dreams come true, what are you teaching them about taking care of themselves and making their dreams come true?
Modeling behavior is one very commonly used teaching strategy in the classroom and in life. But we forget that sometimes. And sometimes we forget that parenting is actually teaching another person how to exist and survive in the world - the same world that we live and function in on a daily basis.
But really, when you put your family first, sometimes what your mind is secretly telling you is something like, “I am afraid to take the risk to learn how to dance, so I will keep myself busy making dinner from scratch every night.” “I don’t want to face the possibility of being scrutinized, so I won’t write the book that I want to write.” “I don’t want to be judged by others so, I’m not going to _____ - instead I’ll re-organize the kids’ closet. What brings us joy anyway?” “It’s hard for me to navigate social situations, so I’ll just make sure I’m super mom at home.”
And if you’re a stay at home mom, the challenge is way bigger. Not only do you miss out on the validation that working moms often find at work, you tend to get no validation or even negative messaging that you are doing your job horribly (either through unfinished tasks or misbehaving children). So you face the task of having to find confidence that comes with regular accomplishment somewhere deep, deep inside you. You have to find the courage to try and take a risk that may not exist anymore because you don’t have the repeated feedback loop that tells you that you are regularly facing challenges and overcoming them in some way. (Most of that comes from our own mental messages to ourselves and our natural tendency to focus on the negative, not the positive messages that we give ourselves.)
“I am afraid that if I try to eat right, I’ll fall off the wagon - again - so I’ll just make sure that we get to all of our appointments on time and just do my best.”
“I am afraid of feeling left out, so I won’t make plans with people.”
“They won’t like me, so I won’t join that mom’s group.”
You should not do things that you don’t want to do just because you want to punish yourself. That’s not what I’m saying. But what I’m saying is that having a family is sometimes a convenient excuse to let your fear take over your thinking and hold you back from all of the amazing things that you can experience in life. This is your one life and that fear of failure (or fear of success) is VERY strong. So you don’t have to say yes to everything, but think about why you’re saying no. Is it because you really have no desire to participate, or is it because you are afraid of what will happen if you DO say yes?
Because if it’s fear, then you alone (and not your family) is holding you back.
Everyone faces obstacles on their success (otherwise the success would be meaningless!) and the obstacles look different for everyone. But there are many ways around an obstacle - sometimes it’s over, under, around or through. If you are trying the same ways over and over to overcome your obstacle, your fear may be telling you that it’s too hard to overcome. It might be time to pull in some extra help to get you thinking of different and new ways to overcome it. And it might be time to be OPEN to trying something new. (Which is totally scary, I get it.) But when it comes to your life - you are the boss and you get to decide what your experience of this life will be. No matter what the obstacles.
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