The year that almost broke our marriage

Last year was a trying year for us.  And I learned so much.

So many things happened.  Both Jeff and I brought our own Big Underlying Problem to our marriage.  Neither one of us saw our Big Underlying Problem as an issue - until the pressure was put on.  

In 2018, my father-in-law passed away, my son was hospitalized for a week due to an eczema-related issue, we realized that one of our kids had severe anxiety, another child was encountering “friend” problems regularly, we were in couples counseling and we had regular life ups and downs as well.

2018 was the year that almost ended our marriage.  The thing is, it wasn’t any of the events that was listed above that almost broke it.  It was or Big Underlying Problems, which were ever-present, that almost got us.

My Big Underlying Problem was that I was always angry.  Life was supposed to be a certain way, and when it wasn’t I was mad.  It showed in my body language, it showed in my words and how I said them and it showed in my actions.

Jeff’s Big Underlying Problem brought us to a big decision point and my Big Underlying Problem was really mad about the possibilities.

The only reason we are still married is that we both made the decision to stay married and each do something about our Big Underlying Problem.  We had come that close - one decision - away from divorce.

Each of our Big Underlying Problems required different approaches and different timelines for change.  Jeff’s was more immediate and mine took time.

The most influential habit change that changed my anger: yoga.  

Right after our close call, I happened to be attending a training over a weekend and started this yoga practice every day.  I did it twice a day for forty days and then once a day thereafter.  Since then (almost a year ago), I’ve only skipped yoga a handful of times - not because I like it, but because I NEED it.  When I don’t do the yoga, I feel a bit blinded by my emotions. They are too close to me. When they are so close, I cannot make good decisions and it is hard to be kind.  

Later in the year, I would also attend this training to add meditation to my yoga practice and it really turned the volume up on my awareness. At the time of each training, I was skeptical that it would make a difference, but they certainly have.

I also had a life-changing conversation with a friend.  We were talking about a recent break from work and watching how another couple operated.  We talked about how spouses often continue to punish each other for past wrongs by bringing those past wrongs into the present.  It might look like the silent treatment or it could be a tone. It could be less patience or passive aggressive behavior. I knew that I was bringing past wrongs into so many moments FOR YEARS.  I wondered what it would be like to stop that. Just recognize where I was at with Jeff in that moment and stop punishing him for things that were already over.

And things changed.

I was able to sit and just listen.  I was able to speak kindly even when everything else around us was chaotic.  I was able to calmly tell him why I was upset (if I was upset with him over something) or explain why it was hard for me to be kind (if something other than him was weighing me down).  

This was such great practice.  I started doing it with my kids too.  No more punishing them for keeping us up late the night before or being selfish in the morning.  I could be happier around everyone because of the conscious decision to stop punishing them for past wrongs.  

The morning of our 10th anniversary!

The yoga gave me the distance to see these things and be aware of what I was doing - especially if I fell back into the punishing trap.

Just because I wasn’t punishing, it didn’t always mean that I was a treasure, though.  So I made that change too. Not only did I want to stop punishing Jeff, but I wanted to be a joy for him to be around - regardless of whether or not he was a joy to be around at that time.  

I know that seems ridiculous, but I was also realizing that my life is up to me.  I’m in charge of my own happiness - not anyone else’s. So if I’m in charge of my happiness (and my happiness alone), then I want to be happy! I want to love my life! How other people feel about their lives is not my business.  My business is my life!

So I decided to be a joy.  And I wanted to be a joy to as many people as I could - but mostly my family, because that’s where it was the hardest.  

And things changed.  Everyone was more loving and happy. I was able to see the beautiful things in my life and appreciate them.  My relationship with my kids started to change. I was able to be friendlier (when before it seemed impossible).

Now don’t get me wrong.  My message here is not that a woman should always change to be pleasing to her husband or family.  What I'm saying is think about how you are right now, to anyone.  Is it the way you want to BE with them? And if it’s not, figure out how to change that.  

When I changed myself, it changed us.

I am lucky that my husband does want to be married.  Miraculously, he wants to be married to me. I discovered that I too want to be married.  And I want to be married to him. And in that discovery, the need for punishing and for constant anger receded. And I wanted to change how I responded to him on a daily basis. The days are not always perfect, but more often that not, I find myself responding instead of reacting.  Of being right (just BEING) rather than insisting that I’m correct. And of loving rather than dismissing.

P.S. In case you were wondering, I ALWAYS get permission from Jeff before publishing anything that I’ve written that includes him. This post is published with his approval and support.