Moving forward on a not-so-good feeling day

I admit it, yesterday was a not so great day.  We were freshly home after our five-day beach vacation with our my family.  People woke up a little grumpy (including myself) and things were much quieter than they had been at the beach house.  

Often, for me, a quieter time leaves plenty of space for the negative stuff to creep in: mean messages to myself, unearthing of old hurts, general negativity for what’s ahead.  

What was ahead for the day was a barbecue with our friends to celebrate the Fourth of July.  Although I know it’s always fun, my negative space left me not wanting to interact with anyone outside of those I absolutely had to interact with.  Minimizing any damage I might do, if you will. 

Adding to the negativity was that we were just home from being away.  Going to any food-related party (which is every party) I had no plan for what to bring for the kids to eat, since we can never guarantee that there will be food for them to eat at a party (and we really don’t expect others to accommodate for us).

I really wasn’t wanting to put the required energy behind thinking about food.  

I just felt UGH. And it had that hopeless feeling to it, like “things are bad and they will always be bad.”  It’s so strange when that happens. We just came off of a fantastic vacation and were home in our not-too-hot home, mostly unpacked and back to our normal routine.  There was no reason to feel this way.  

My first thought was to get rid of the feeling.  I started running through all of my usual ideas. It went like this, “Maybe I can avoid all responsibilities and read.  Maybe I can get out of going to the party. Maybe I can get away with being super rude to my family. Maybe I should get drunk today.”  Once I reached the drinking option, I realized I might not be on the right track.  

I decided that I needed to bring in all of my fairly newly learned strategies to deal with them.  

1. Keep my habits. 

Generally, I wake up too early to assess my true feelings in the morning.  It’s usually still dark and I’m always a little sleepy eyed. Any feeling assessment at that moment is subject to change, I mean, I’m still kind of asleep!  But even if I feel that bad feeling creeping in, I do not use that as an excuse to skip out on the things I need to operate at my best. First, it’s yoga. I kinda dread and put off yoga every day.  It’s not my favorite because it invites even more quiet and that is always a challenge for me, but I know that it allows me to have more awareness in my day and take a step back from the chaos to see patterns in myself and my surroundings so I can slow down and make better, more kind decisions. Second, I have to work out.  I do have at least one rest day a week, but for most days, working out is part of the day. Working out wakes me up and brings in a positive, warm energy to the start of my day. If I work out and still feel the “ugh,” that’s a sign that it’s more than just my normal waking-up-bad-mood. But my questioning of my mood or feeling tired is not an excuse to get out of doing things that I know are good for me - and are likely to improve my mood. 

2. Realize that it’s just a feeling and it won’t last forever. 

Although it feels like it’s everything, my feeling is just a feeling.  It’s not actually a reflection of my life and as my friend says, it’s not existential.  My feelings are just feelings and it’s ok to feel them and take my time with them if that’s what’s needed, but if it’s unclear what it’s about and it just feels like a funk, then I don’t need to get lost under it.  And if I do start to get lost under it, I have to remind myself that it won’t last forever - even if it feels like it.  

3. Don’t act on the feeling, just do what is needed.

When the feeling creeps in, I want to disengage from everything and everyone.  Giving in to that feeling is just not helpful for overcoming the feeling or for being the kind of wife and mom that I want to be. I took a moment to look around and see what is great about the moment - yesterday it was about the gorgeous weather, that I was going to make progress on my junk room and that it was good to be home.  I told Jeff how I was feeling so he would know it’s not him, it’s just a feeling. I did have to keep reminding myself to not let my feeling escape out of my mouth onto my kids or Jeff. If I’m buttering bread and am asked for ice in their water, I can respond calmly. If someone wants a hug while I’m grabbing the ice, I can stop and give a hug.  They don’t need to feel shame or hurt because of my psychological turmoil. 

4. When it feels like all you want do is disengage, don’t.

I woke up not wanting to go anywhere or interact with anyone - in person or digitally.  I was annoyed at the idea that I had messages to respond to and people to interact with.  But let’s say that I had the option to ignore all of them - which in my mind, was not a cool thing to do - what would I do instead?  I would spend time alone and either wallow and spin out even more or numb myself out with movies, books or food. I have to ask myself if that’s what I really want for myself: to live a life spinning out or numbed out.  For me, the answer is no. And really, what I know to be true is that when I choose to engage - even when I don’t feel like it- I walk away feeling better and happier and I generally don’t regret it, much like exercising. 

5. There’s a pattern between things slowing down and this feeling. 

This feeling is familiar.  Any time that things slow down, the feeling pops in.  It has happened in years past during longer school breaks - even before I was married and had kids.  When the break was long enough for me to relax, my anxiety would get going and have me obsessing over concerns about students or reliving past negative experiences. I had kind of forgotten about the feeling when we started having kids because they kept me so busy all the time.  Now that we are in a slower season because they are more independent, there is more and more opportunity for the feeling to creep in. And I find the feeling creeping in when Jeff is around and I know I have an “out” and can let him care for them - and him being home means that things are even more slow for me because I can take a slower pace, which often means that my mind goes into overdrive on negative things.  Or when our pace slows down because school is out or I have extra help, that’s when I can expect this feeling to happen. I don’t wait around for the feeling, but when I feel it, I take a moment to think about the bigger picture and ask myself, “Are things slowing down a bit and that’s causing my mind to create this situation?” Often, the answer is yes. And then I decide on my way forward. 

By the end of the night, I could look back on the day with some pride.  I felt that feeling coming in and when I recognized it, I was able to move forward in awareness so that it didn’t take over. Instead, I was able to enjoy all of the most perfect parts of my day.  

My Mother's Day Wishlist

If you're looking for some deep throughs about my wishes for the world or my family, this isn't the post for you. I just know what I want and I like to ask for it and you might be curious about what that is and so here it goes...

Every year on Mother’s Day, I refine what my hopes and dreams are for the day.  My husband loves to give the perfect gift, so I try to accommodate that by letting Jeff know ahead of time what I want.  For some of you, that may sound selfish or demanding or un-spontaneous, but I’d rather ask for what I want than hope for it, not get it and then unconsciously punish Jeff for it. Here’s what i’ve learned over the years about what I want:

1. I need time to be around my family without having to respond to every request.  I want to sit and watch the kids play or watch a show with them without having to stop and get water or get a snack or wipe a bottom. Sometimes Jeff does that single-handedly and sometimes we are with a group of people who help distract the kids so that they don’t think they’re constantly hungry or thirsty or bored.
2. Gifts.  I don’t need gifts.  But I do love the things the kids make.  I love that way more than anything that they could buy for me (to be honest, the things they want to buy are more their style than mine). What I DO love is gifts of service on this day: going to Costco without me, getting my car washed for me, making meals (preferably all day) for me/us.  
3. Speaking of food… I LOVE baked goods.  My deepest desire on any celebration day is to have cake, or pancakes, or muffins, or scones.  I sent Jeff a recipe this year for these delightful looking banana maple donuts (minus the walnuts, of course) and these white chocolate scones.  And since I don’t like being in charge of food on Mother’s Day, Jeff is making dinner.  Mostly, I’m leaving dinner up to him. I don’t actually care what it is as long as I don’t have to decide or cook it.  I did give some pointers on food we have that he could use or cook, but that’s it!
4. I want time alone in my house.  I spend SO much time catering to other people’s desires at work at home, with family and with friends that I want time to decide on something that I want, not something that I think someone else might want too. Being alone at home is a moment of exhale for this introvert and while I love my family and I know there will be many moments of silence when our nest is empty, I do really crave moments of silence in the chaos right now.  And then I want to welcome back the chaos a more replenished person.

Mother’s Day used to be a day of drinking for me.  At that time, it served a purpose. It really got me out of the responsibility of doing lots of things for my kids and gave me the time to sit and relax.  However, it also really took away my awareness at the beauty of the day and left me feeling horrible that night and the next day. It no longer serves me and so it’s no longer part of my celebration.  I totally get that it works for others and that is wonderful, but I realized that my real goal in drinking was to get out of some of the responsibilities that I do from day to day, so now I just ask for those things to be done for me.

I’m lucky to have a husband who really cares about making the weekend a joy to me.  He is attentive and curious about what I want. I’m also lucky that the kids are aware of Mother’s Day and they seem to truly want to make it special for me - including secrecy and “special projects.”

40 Days of Change

It’s safe to say that this Lent was the most impactful Lent of my life.  For many Christians, Lent is a time for feasting and fasting as a remembrance of the forty day fast Jesus did in the desert when he was tempted by Satan. Often, people will give up (fast from) sweets, cursing, social media or fast food or feast on things like patience, prayer, acts of kindness, or compassion through different acts in the Lenten season as preparation for Easter.  Many, many times I have given up candy, or Easter candy specifically (because it’s my favorite) or I would take on an extra something - an extra prayer or meditation or act of kindness each day. This year, I decided to fast from reading my standard fare and feast on reading books by and about people of color - specifically African Americans.

I must admit, when it comes to Lent, I’m on-again-off-again.  As a young person, I took it very seriously. Then, in the days when I kept church at an arm's length, Lent passed without acknowledgment.  When I was a mother of infants and babies, I ignored taking on further sacrifice. Now that I’ve recovered from being the mother of babies, I still approach Lent with hesitation.  The fasting didn’t always seem to do much to change me in the ways that I had hoped. It often felt very surface. But not this year.

Typically, I would not write about Lent and what I gave up and how it felt because it’s very personal. Religion is personal. Anything having to do with race is personal.  It’s all personal and there is a LOT of judgment around all of it. But this Lent REALLY changed me: it had opened my eyes and made me so much more humble, so I felt it was worth sharing.

This year, I took an idea from this blog post that I found through one of my favorite bloggers. The Episcopal priest who wrote the post gave a list of suggestions of things “to observe Black History month with the same seriousness as we do Lent.”  What I found was that doing this during Lent definitely increased my accountability.  Had I not made the decision with a couple of friends and had my own mental accountability, I might have read a bit, then moved on to something else and come back when I felt more comfortable.  The psychological accountability of doing this during Lent kept me from walking away when things got uncomfortable or sad and it created a real dive into a topic that I was already interested in understanding better.

I have the privilege to choose when to engage in race discussion and when not to.  That is afforded to me by my whiteness (while not 100% white, I am most often perceived as white). I realize now that that in itself is a privilege. I also realize that I am no expert. I’m not here to tell you that I know things or that I’m “good” for doing this.  I just know that these things changed me and maybe you’re in a position to be changed too.

As I read, I realized that there were certain types of books that impacted me in different ways.  Fiction is always my go-to stress reliever and self-care. In these last forty days, it continued to serve that purpose.  When the reading to got too intense or I needed to read for stress relief, I turned to fictional books. While the events in fiction books were still disturbing, it was somewhat easier to read when I knew the characters and story were made up (even though it very likely happened in real life).  Also, because of how stories are crafted, they often fiction ends with some resolution - either happy or sad - but a resolution nonetheless. I found memoir to be the most difficult to read. Often, the same types of events from fiction would happen in the memoirs, but as you were reading you KNEW that it happened to this particular person (or their friends or family) and it really drives home the pain that people feel as the result of systemic racism. Non-fiction was the easiest to read and was the most jaw-dropping.  Because it is filled with facts and the author’s synopsis of the meaning of those facts, it can be quite startling - but definitely not as intimate. In fact, the non-fiction book that I spent the most time reading (The New Jim Crow) was the one that changed me the most.

Here’s what I read (or viewed or listened to) -

• 13th (documentary) - This was a Netflix documentary that I found out about through someone I follow on Instagram.  This was a very eye-opening documentary about how the 13th amendment created somewhat of a loophole that allowed for our current system of mass incarceration that is not based on race, but on criminality - and how that has been utilized by our country since the ending of slavery.

• When They Call you a Terrorist: A Black Lives Matter Memoir by Patrisse Khan-Cullors - This memoir was about her upbringing and how it eventually led to her participation in the Black Lives Matter movement.  All of the things she experiences are personal and direct examples of what Michelle Alexander describes in her book The New Jim Crow.

• I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing Brown - This book was really eye-opening as far as what it’s like to be an African American woman in real life; like what it’s like to be black in a “diverse” workplace, what it’s like growing up as an African American person in schools, and what it’s like being black in everyday life in America.  There were so many things that I just didn’t understand or even know about until I read this book. Her writing is so beautiful that you don’t even realize how much she is teaching you because the words alone are a gift - it almost felt like a blend of prose and poetry.

• Taste of Honey by Jabari Asim - This piece of historical fiction strings together stories from different characters living in the same Midwestern town.  The book explores all of the things you might expect in fiction - friendship, romance, family relationships - but also, gives a very real and personal view of police brutality, racism and community in the late 60s leading up to the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

• Waking Up White by Debby Irving - This is actually a departure from what my Lenten promise was as it is written by a white woman, but it was a great introductory read for these forty days.  I actually read it right before Lent started and finished it in the first days of Lent. It is the memoir of a white woman “waking up” to her beliefs about race and how it’s reinforced in our society.  It was interesting to watch another person’s path and their unfolding understanding about the role race plays in our decisions and what creates that understanding about people who are not white.

• The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander - This was the centerpiece of my Lenten reading.  It is a piece of non-fiction that is full of jaw-dropping facts and research written by a civil rights advocate and lawyer.  There was SO much information here and it really caused me to pause and re-examine everything I thought I understood about our country.  Her writing style is perfect for this topic because she lays out the facts and examples and then when things are difficult to understand, she follows up with another explanation of the idea.  She tells you what the book will contain and then leaves you with some ideas about where she thinks we should head next as a country. This was a longer read, but was SO essential for this reading list.
• The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas - This is a book about the experience of a girl who is with her friend, an unarmed black teenager, when he is shot and killed by police after being pulled over for a broken tail light. The author takes you through the experience not only of that night but also of the experience of the aftermath and the reverberations of it in the community that the teenagers are from. As a piece of fiction, it really sheds light and understanding on the reasoning for the Black Lives Matter movement, especially given that real events similar to this fictional one have happened over and over again across the United States. This piece of young adult fiction was recently adopted by our district's board to be taught at one of the high schools, so I really wanted to read it. As most young adult fiction, it was engaging and fast-paced and really took a complicated matter and laid it out in an understandable and relatable way.

• A presentation by Josephine Bolling McCall about her book called The Penalty for Success - we were lucky to hear about this presentation done in the Santa Clara University Law School.  I was nervous going in, but was amazed by the story told by Ms. Bolling McCall. Her story echoed many of the ideas, themes and actions of the books in this list and was, of course, very personal.  She explores the death of her father and does research to uncover that he is one of many African American men who have been lynched without their death being acknowledged as a lynching. In her research she found she was not alone.  Her presentation was a very personal account of her research and what she discovered along the way. I haven’t read her book yet, but it’s on my list for continued reading.

• The Good Ancestor Podcast by Layla Saad - I also steered clear of podcasts by my usual people and as kind of a back door way to hear from one of my favorites (Glennon Doyle).  I listened to Layla Saad’s interview of Glennon Doyle and then her interviews of Rachel Cargle and Lachrista Greco. She explores what it means to be a good ancestor and what our ancestors have inspired in people.  No matter who her guest is, the podcasts are always engaging and have such a calm and personal feel to them.

I definitely plan to continue on this feasting.  There is a whole new world of reading that has opened up to me and the list of books I want to read is getting VERY long.  Because of my privilege, race has not been something that I thought too much about. Now, I see how it has influenced my reading, my job and my perspective.  These 40 days changed what I thought I knew. It challenged my beliefs about myself, our country and racism in general. Most tend to avoid the topic of race both socially and in their free time, but my experience during Lent makes me think that an approach like that won’t really work if we want peace and justice in our country.

There’s no real reason to continue on my old narrow path of authors, genres and topics.  I see the world differently now. And these books give me a different way to experience our world.  I leave the Lenten season humbled by the skills of these makers and am floored by my new understanding of the African American experience in America.

(Still) Putting the work into our marriage

A few years ago, I wrote a  blog post about the work that goes into marriage.  That idea of putting work into marriage is on my mind often.  I remember as an unmarried person (over a decade ago!) wondering what it meant to put work into your marriage/relationship.  I didn’t understand it. I mean, you like the person and you just show up and exist together. How hard could that be?

The thing is, it can be very hard.  Living in the same space together, making parenting decisions together, consistently carrying out all of the decisions you’ve made and keeping things afloat (bills, schedules, meals, appointments) and growing as individuals can create both busy-ness and tension.  

Life in a family with (in our case) three children is hectic.  There is hardly any time to have conversation let alone to have the conversations that matter to your relationship.  

And it’s all tiring!  So you escape to social media, television, or reading to give yourself a little break.  It is SO easy to slowly drift away from each other even when you sleep right next to each other every night.

No marriage is ever as perfect as it seems from the outside, but I suspect that the people in successful marriages are constantly putting in the work. The more time I spend learning about it, the more I think that this is part of what that work might look like.

1. They know each other's’ love languages and they speak them regularly and fluently.  

If you haven’t heard about the five love languages, you should check out this book or listen to this podcast.  Author and marriage counselor Gary Chapman took years of research as a marriage counselor and years of hearing people say, “She/He just doesn’t love me” to write a book about the ways that people like to feel loved.  He narrows it down to five love languages: physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and gifts. Often people show love in their love language, but if that love language is not shared by their partner (which it probably is not) then the partner does not perceive the love intended by the act that was given.  In other words, you may be doing something to express your love for your spouse and they may not feel the love that you are intending.

2. They have a mindfulness practice.

Knowing the benefits of mindfulness, I have struggled to maintain a consistent mindfulness practice.  Now that I have been very disciplined in doing my yoga and mindfulness practice at home every day for almost a year, I see the major difference it has made for me.  It allows me to step back and decide how I want to behave rather than go with the first knee-jerk reaction I have. And even when I fall into the rut of behaving in a way that I don’t want to (reacting with impatience, anger, etc.), I recognize it faster and can change my behavior or at least apologize more quickly.  These practices have GREATLY impacted my ability to give myself feedback on my listening, patience, hard-headedness, and happiness - especially when it comes to Jeff. The awareness created in this practice has helped me to listen, be present and be a better partner/mother/teacher/friend. The biggest change in this last year that helped me to be consistent in mindfulness: I had someone to talk to about it who already had a successful practice going.  I could ask if I was doing it “right” or I got feedback that they could see a difference and they constantly made suggestions about my next steps. So if you decide to start a mindfulness practice (there are lots of great apps out there) or if you are already doing something even if it doesn’t feel like it’s going right, it probably is - just don’t quit - and find someone you can talk to about it. (I’m here!)

3. They listen.

This is probably one of the most challenging parts of being together for a long time.  Things get chaotic. We are distracted. The chores need doing. That TV show needs watching.  We forget to stop and understand what the other is saying. Or when we do listen, we listen to respond, not to hear them and why they are sharing whatever they’re sharing. Just listen to understand. Be open to what they are sharing about themselves with you.  But mostly, put down your phone, pause your podcast, stop the episode and just hear what they are saying while looking at their face.

4. They grow personally.

It can feel selfish to focus on yourself, especially among the chaos of kids and life.  The thing is we bring our best when we are our best. But our best changes. What was our best six months ago (or even yesterday) may not be our best today. You may be ready to grow into the person you are still becoming.   And, more importantly, THIS IS YOUR LIFE. Why not live to be the biggest and best version of yourself that can be? Primarily, I push myself to make and meet goals for myself, however, my marriage benefits as a result.  My personal growth path has helped me to be more compassionate, remove my own negativity from our interactions, see things differently and be more loving.

Personal growth looks different for everyone, but for me, it’s reading inspiring books (The Five Love Languages, The Four Agreements, The Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work, Girl, Wash your Face).  But it could be listening to inspiring podcasts, attending a conference, going to therapy, learning something new (yoga, playing checkers, a language).  Growing yourself doesn’t mean you need to drag your spouse along. They may want to join you in growth (or they may not), but whatever benefits you get out of that growth will overflow onto your marriage and make it stronger. In this case, like most, it’s about you and focusing on yourself which will ultimately help your relationship.

5. Be a treasure.

This is possibly the weirdest and best thing I ever tried.  I can’t even believe that I use the words “be a treasure.” It sounds so corny, but, honestly, this was a life-changing revelation for me.  Keep in mind, I am often not a treasure, so this was tough and requires constant awareness (I’m growing!). After having a conversation with a friend about their observations of another person’s marriage, we were discussing how partners often punish each other for their past wrongs.  They bring those past wrongs into their present interactions. Here’s an example: let’s say that Jeff forgot to change the knobs on the kids’ play kitchen like I had asked. And that was yesterday. Today, I see those old broken knobs and I’m pissed because he didn’t do what he said he’d do.  Today, I might punish him by angrily confronting him about it, making a passive aggressive comment or I might speak to him in a rude tone when he asks me a question about our plans today. (Let’s be real, I’m likely to do all three.)

So after having this conversation with my friend, I asked myself, what if I just decided that I wanted to be a treasure? What if I wanted to be someone that Jeff might enjoy being around?  

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean being fake.  I will still be honest with Jeff about how I’m feeling or what frustrates me, but I do my best to stop and stay it in the kindest way that I can manage.  Like maybe the way I’d speak to a colleague at work that I was having conflict with.

What I have found when I do this is that 1) he hears me 2) to be kind, I have to recognize that he’s just a person doing his best too, so my mindset around who he is changes 3) I see how ridiculous some of my complaints are in the grand scheme of things.

The best thing about it: he responds.  If you know Jeff, he loves to be happy and optimistic.  Every day, I was making him have to work hard to maintain his happy and optimistic attitude.  But as I’ve recognized my role in our dysfunctions, I’ve done my best and he has responded. His mood is lighter. We are taking more opportunities to connect rather than push away.  

Don’t get me wrong on any of this.  Your partner also has a role in making a marriage work, but I know that I am only responsible for me and my part in this relationship. Every step along the way, I have been transparent with Jeff about my intentions.  His awareness helps him to be supportive and open to responding in a positive way. Even if he didn’t respond positively, I must live a life that I am happy with and I’ve chosen to go all in with my part in this relationship because I want to live big and I don’t want to leave anything on the table when it comes to my well-being and the well-being of my marriage and family.

Don't believe your tricky, tricky mind

I think about my mind a lot these days.  

In my morning meditation, it loves to be active and think.  It has ALL kinds of things to think about. As I’m trying to keep my mind clear, it wonders if I remembered to set Ana’s alarm (I did) or if they make bundt containers to store your bundt cake (they do) or if there’s enough bacon for breakfast-for-dinner tonight (there is). All of these urgent thoughts come into my mind that really, really do feel urgent.  And as soon as meditation is done… those thoughts are gone.

Why am I heading toward the kids’ room?

What was it that I wanted to check Amazon for?

What was in the freezer that I wanted to check?

And then I realize I’ve been fooled by my mind.  That tricky, tricky mind.

I think that many times we rely on our logic and our thinking to be our friend.  We count on it to help us understand our world or to know the right thing to do or to get work done. But our minds are a bit unreliable.  

They are like little puppies at the end of a leash: so full of energy, tugging this way and that.  It scrambles to the next conclusion (that may be built on faulty perceptions) and it runs about uncontrolled yanking us all over the place dragging us along with it.  

Not only does it trick us into spending our energy on trivial things, it can also trick us into dark, dark places.  It can play over and over messages that we let ourselves have that don’t really belong to us. Things like: you’re not good enough, you don’t deserve this, that person hates you.  You get the picture.

It can also make us relive a scene in our lives that our perception has distorted to make us look like a bad person.  You know, that highlight reel of all of your past mistakes and wrongs that goes on and on long after you should have fallen asleep?  That’s your tricky mind.

But we believe our minds because it’s our mind! We need it to think and reason and make decisions.

But what we really need is to control that puppy.  Remind it that the time for thinking of bundt-shaped containers is later, that those negative messages are not for me and instead, we are going to listen to positive messages.  Your mind always thinks it knows best - like that untamed puppy - but YOU actually know what’s best. A walk is meant to be a walk, not a pull, so it’s time for you to teach that puppy how to slow it down and walk. Sniffing and wandering is fine, but that’s not the purpose at this moment, the purpose is to have a calm and relaxed walk.  

For your mind, all that wandering is something to do and it’s fun, but it’s not meant to do that ALL the time. It’s meant to spend time BEING and it’s meant to be aware. It’s meant to appreciate the beauty around you in every moment of your day.  

In our busy lives, it’s easy to forget that there is magic and beauty everywhere, but it’s there.  Even in that screaming toddler, there is beauty in that. How beautiful is it that his or her forming mind is so strong that it believes that having ice cream at 10pm is a battle that must be won?  Although it can be frustrating in the moment, the silliness of it all is quite beautiful.

The beauty of a leaf always mystifies me.  But a leaf is a piece of life that is made to absorb sunlight and turn it into food for it’s plant.  And leaves are so beautifully symmetrical; they’re unique and built for the job that they do.

There’s definitely beauty in the way that the sun looks on any given sunrise or sunset.  We are often so lost in our tasks and our thinking that we don’t even pause to look and appreciate the play of the light on the sky, but it was there just being beautiful on it’s own.

We have to train our mind to see these beautiful things. We need to see them when we’re angry or sad, or see them when we are bored.  We need to see them when our mind is caught up taking us on a wild goose chase about our own worth.

You get to do that.  YOU are in charge of your mind.  When your mind wanders off from your task, you get to gently remind it what it should be doing.  (But be gentle, there’s no need to be mean to part of yourself, even if it is being tricky.) And when those thoughts come to mind, which are likely irrational and totally untrue, you get to tell your mind to stop and try something different.  You can replace it with fact: I am good enough. I was made perfect just the way I am. I am uniquely me. I am loveable (imperfect, but worthy of love).

Our minds are wonderful - and also tricky.  We can’t allow ourselves to constantly fall prey to its tricks.  Especially, when those tricks deceive us into avoiding things that are good for us: things like eating healthy food, taking the time to not think, loving ourselves as we are.  When it starts taking us down the dark and self-defeating path of self-hate, we have to train ourselves to get our minds of that path. It’s not a path meant for us. The path that’s meant for us is one of gratitude and self-love. We’re meant for a big and beautiful life and you get to help your mind take you there.  

The year that almost broke our marriage

Last year was a trying year for us.  And I learned so much.

So many things happened.  Both Jeff and I brought our own Big Underlying Problem to our marriage.  Neither one of us saw our Big Underlying Problem as an issue - until the pressure was put on.  

In 2018, my father-in-law passed away, my son was hospitalized for a week due to an eczema-related issue, we realized that one of our kids had severe anxiety, another child was encountering “friend” problems regularly, we were in couples counseling and we had regular life ups and downs as well.

2018 was the year that almost ended our marriage.  The thing is, it wasn’t any of the events that was listed above that almost broke it.  It was or Big Underlying Problems, which were ever-present, that almost got us.

My Big Underlying Problem was that I was always angry.  Life was supposed to be a certain way, and when it wasn’t I was mad.  It showed in my body language, it showed in my words and how I said them and it showed in my actions.

Jeff’s Big Underlying Problem brought us to a big decision point and my Big Underlying Problem was really mad about the possibilities.

The only reason we are still married is that we both made the decision to stay married and each do something about our Big Underlying Problem.  We had come that close - one decision - away from divorce.

Each of our Big Underlying Problems required different approaches and different timelines for change.  Jeff’s was more immediate and mine took time.

The most influential habit change that changed my anger: yoga.  

Right after our close call, I happened to be attending a training over a weekend and started this yoga practice every day.  I did it twice a day for forty days and then once a day thereafter.  Since then (almost a year ago), I’ve only skipped yoga a handful of times - not because I like it, but because I NEED it.  When I don’t do the yoga, I feel a bit blinded by my emotions. They are too close to me. When they are so close, I cannot make good decisions and it is hard to be kind.  

Later in the year, I would also attend this training to add meditation to my yoga practice and it really turned the volume up on my awareness. At the time of each training, I was skeptical that it would make a difference, but they certainly have.

I also had a life-changing conversation with a friend.  We were talking about a recent break from work and watching how another couple operated.  We talked about how spouses often continue to punish each other for past wrongs by bringing those past wrongs into the present.  It might look like the silent treatment or it could be a tone. It could be less patience or passive aggressive behavior. I knew that I was bringing past wrongs into so many moments FOR YEARS.  I wondered what it would be like to stop that. Just recognize where I was at with Jeff in that moment and stop punishing him for things that were already over.

And things changed.

I was able to sit and just listen.  I was able to speak kindly even when everything else around us was chaotic.  I was able to calmly tell him why I was upset (if I was upset with him over something) or explain why it was hard for me to be kind (if something other than him was weighing me down).  

This was such great practice.  I started doing it with my kids too.  No more punishing them for keeping us up late the night before or being selfish in the morning.  I could be happier around everyone because of the conscious decision to stop punishing them for past wrongs.  

The morning of our 10th anniversary!

The yoga gave me the distance to see these things and be aware of what I was doing - especially if I fell back into the punishing trap.

Just because I wasn’t punishing, it didn’t always mean that I was a treasure, though.  So I made that change too. Not only did I want to stop punishing Jeff, but I wanted to be a joy for him to be around - regardless of whether or not he was a joy to be around at that time.  

I know that seems ridiculous, but I was also realizing that my life is up to me.  I’m in charge of my own happiness - not anyone else’s. So if I’m in charge of my happiness (and my happiness alone), then I want to be happy! I want to love my life! How other people feel about their lives is not my business.  My business is my life!

So I decided to be a joy.  And I wanted to be a joy to as many people as I could - but mostly my family, because that’s where it was the hardest.  

And things changed.  Everyone was more loving and happy. I was able to see the beautiful things in my life and appreciate them.  My relationship with my kids started to change. I was able to be friendlier (when before it seemed impossible).

Now don’t get me wrong.  My message here is not that a woman should always change to be pleasing to her husband or family.  What I'm saying is think about how you are right now, to anyone.  Is it the way you want to BE with them? And if it’s not, figure out how to change that.  

When I changed myself, it changed us.

I am lucky that my husband does want to be married.  Miraculously, he wants to be married to me. I discovered that I too want to be married.  And I want to be married to him. And in that discovery, the need for punishing and for constant anger receded. And I wanted to change how I responded to him on a daily basis. The days are not always perfect, but more often that not, I find myself responding instead of reacting.  Of being right (just BEING) rather than insisting that I’m correct. And of loving rather than dismissing.

P.S. In case you were wondering, I ALWAYS get permission from Jeff before publishing anything that I’ve written that includes him. This post is published with his approval and support.