Truth: Sugar is not my friend.

Truth: Sugar is not my friend.  AKA I can’t build my success on self-sabotage.

This has been an exhausting week for me.  I’m not sure why exactly, but it has been.  Monday, my family came to visit which is such a delightful change from my going to visit them.  It’s a little unsettling, but very fun, to have people come to our tiny house versus us travelling to visit them an hour and a half away.

This summer, I’ve been really trying to focus on my nutrition in combination with my daily workouts to try to see how much progress I can make with my body.  I’m not going extreme or anything, but I want to see what difference nutrition changes will make when added to my consistent workouts.  

My continual weakness is sugar.  I’ll start with fruit and then the fruit becomes a cobbler and then the cobbler becomes eating a bag of caramels or jar of jellybeans.  Once I head down the slope, it becomes very slippery and I’m at the bottom again.  

I’m not sure about you, but for me, once I slip, even a little, getting back up is difficult.  I forget all of the benefits I had from being at the top - when I was eating little to no sugar, I was less tired and had more energy, I didn’t get stuck in my shame cycle for sabotaging my goals with mindless eating. And, once I slip, I just go all in.  That’s the power of sugar over me. If I have one jelly bean, then my mind is like, “Heck, why stop with one? You already did it! Just have twenty more jelly beans while you’re at it.”

At any rate, like most people, a change in my routine often gets my mind back into thinking that what will really make me happy is eating cake, or jelly beans or ice cream or whatever sweet thing may be in sight.  I think that in order to fully enjoy the experience, it has to include some indulgence of some sort.  

So, on Monday while my family is here, right after lunch I busted out many of the things that are reserved for after dinner treats for the kids. Soon enough, I’m passing around the jar of jelly beans and the delightful maple caramels that were in the cupboard.  In my mind, I was offering something sweet to my family knowing that they have a sweet tooth too and, of course, I was indulging as well. Them being here was my excuse to do things that work exactly against what I’m working for.  

Sugar is something I crave, but afterward, I feel the sugar crash and that makes me crabby.  Then it has me reaching for more sugar to ease the crabbiness. This works exactly in opposition to my fitness goals, my mental-wellbeing goals, my to-do list goals, and my be-a-loving-and-patient-mother goals.  

When I woke up on Tuesday, it was hard to get out of bed.  In fact, I got out of bed and then immediately returned to bed and crashed for another hour and a half to dead sleep.  That is quite unusual for me.  

Looking back on the day before, I tried to figure out why I was so tired.  Did we have a busy day? Yes. Was it all that much more busy than other days? Not really.  Did I stay on track with my nutrition? Not really. Did I eat more sugar than usual? Absolutely.

Now, from my experiences in the last couple of years, I know that what I eat has a HUGE impact on my mindset, my body and my energy level.  And yet, it’s hard for me to decide in the moment that I should make the conscious decision to eat or not to eat the sugar. In fact, most of the time, my impulsiveness goes straight to sugar without even pausing to think about the mental/physical/energy ramifications of my decision. 

This week has been full of me waking up way past my alarm and creating a domino effect that impacts the kids.  I wake up late, so I start my routine late. My routine goes late so I let them watch the iPad later than I typically would.  They end up watching more screen that day because I’m tired and that’s not what my intentions were for the summer. Then since I’m running late, I cut out essential parts of my routine that I had planned.  Then I look back on the day and am irritated with myself that I didn’t do the basic things that I promised to myself.  

That’s just not what I want for myself.  I want a life where I follow through on the things that I agreed upon with myself.  I also want a life that is full of energy. I also want a life where I can show up for my kids.

Sugar is sabotaging that.  

That is so weird to say.  Sugar is sabotaging my life.  

Today is day three of avoiding sugar.  I’m feeling a little foggy and lethargic at this moment, but I know that’s a normal part of they cycle of leaving sugar behind.  This feeling will pass and I’ll find the energy that I typically have without sugar. I need to approach eating with intention and awareness - something that I’ve sort of abandoned lately.  I need my food to fuel my body so that I can show up to my life with energy - for both me and my kids.  

Trying to build success on my self-sabotage just won’t work. 

Moving forward on a not-so-good feeling day

I admit it, yesterday was a not so great day.  We were freshly home after our five-day beach vacation with our my family.  People woke up a little grumpy (including myself) and things were much quieter than they had been at the beach house.  

Often, for me, a quieter time leaves plenty of space for the negative stuff to creep in: mean messages to myself, unearthing of old hurts, general negativity for what’s ahead.  

What was ahead for the day was a barbecue with our friends to celebrate the Fourth of July.  Although I know it’s always fun, my negative space left me not wanting to interact with anyone outside of those I absolutely had to interact with.  Minimizing any damage I might do, if you will. 

Adding to the negativity was that we were just home from being away.  Going to any food-related party (which is every party) I had no plan for what to bring for the kids to eat, since we can never guarantee that there will be food for them to eat at a party (and we really don’t expect others to accommodate for us).

I really wasn’t wanting to put the required energy behind thinking about food.  

I just felt UGH. And it had that hopeless feeling to it, like “things are bad and they will always be bad.”  It’s so strange when that happens. We just came off of a fantastic vacation and were home in our not-too-hot home, mostly unpacked and back to our normal routine.  There was no reason to feel this way.  

My first thought was to get rid of the feeling.  I started running through all of my usual ideas. It went like this, “Maybe I can avoid all responsibilities and read.  Maybe I can get out of going to the party. Maybe I can get away with being super rude to my family. Maybe I should get drunk today.”  Once I reached the drinking option, I realized I might not be on the right track.  

I decided that I needed to bring in all of my fairly newly learned strategies to deal with them.  

1. Keep my habits. 

Generally, I wake up too early to assess my true feelings in the morning.  It’s usually still dark and I’m always a little sleepy eyed. Any feeling assessment at that moment is subject to change, I mean, I’m still kind of asleep!  But even if I feel that bad feeling creeping in, I do not use that as an excuse to skip out on the things I need to operate at my best. First, it’s yoga. I kinda dread and put off yoga every day.  It’s not my favorite because it invites even more quiet and that is always a challenge for me, but I know that it allows me to have more awareness in my day and take a step back from the chaos to see patterns in myself and my surroundings so I can slow down and make better, more kind decisions. Second, I have to work out.  I do have at least one rest day a week, but for most days, working out is part of the day. Working out wakes me up and brings in a positive, warm energy to the start of my day. If I work out and still feel the “ugh,” that’s a sign that it’s more than just my normal waking-up-bad-mood. But my questioning of my mood or feeling tired is not an excuse to get out of doing things that I know are good for me - and are likely to improve my mood. 

2. Realize that it’s just a feeling and it won’t last forever. 

Although it feels like it’s everything, my feeling is just a feeling.  It’s not actually a reflection of my life and as my friend says, it’s not existential.  My feelings are just feelings and it’s ok to feel them and take my time with them if that’s what’s needed, but if it’s unclear what it’s about and it just feels like a funk, then I don’t need to get lost under it.  And if I do start to get lost under it, I have to remind myself that it won’t last forever - even if it feels like it.  

3. Don’t act on the feeling, just do what is needed.

When the feeling creeps in, I want to disengage from everything and everyone.  Giving in to that feeling is just not helpful for overcoming the feeling or for being the kind of wife and mom that I want to be. I took a moment to look around and see what is great about the moment - yesterday it was about the gorgeous weather, that I was going to make progress on my junk room and that it was good to be home.  I told Jeff how I was feeling so he would know it’s not him, it’s just a feeling. I did have to keep reminding myself to not let my feeling escape out of my mouth onto my kids or Jeff. If I’m buttering bread and am asked for ice in their water, I can respond calmly. If someone wants a hug while I’m grabbing the ice, I can stop and give a hug.  They don’t need to feel shame or hurt because of my psychological turmoil. 

4. When it feels like all you want do is disengage, don’t.

I woke up not wanting to go anywhere or interact with anyone - in person or digitally.  I was annoyed at the idea that I had messages to respond to and people to interact with.  But let’s say that I had the option to ignore all of them - which in my mind, was not a cool thing to do - what would I do instead?  I would spend time alone and either wallow and spin out even more or numb myself out with movies, books or food. I have to ask myself if that’s what I really want for myself: to live a life spinning out or numbed out.  For me, the answer is no. And really, what I know to be true is that when I choose to engage - even when I don’t feel like it- I walk away feeling better and happier and I generally don’t regret it, much like exercising. 

5. There’s a pattern between things slowing down and this feeling. 

This feeling is familiar.  Any time that things slow down, the feeling pops in.  It has happened in years past during longer school breaks - even before I was married and had kids.  When the break was long enough for me to relax, my anxiety would get going and have me obsessing over concerns about students or reliving past negative experiences. I had kind of forgotten about the feeling when we started having kids because they kept me so busy all the time.  Now that we are in a slower season because they are more independent, there is more and more opportunity for the feeling to creep in. And I find the feeling creeping in when Jeff is around and I know I have an “out” and can let him care for them - and him being home means that things are even more slow for me because I can take a slower pace, which often means that my mind goes into overdrive on negative things.  Or when our pace slows down because school is out or I have extra help, that’s when I can expect this feeling to happen. I don’t wait around for the feeling, but when I feel it, I take a moment to think about the bigger picture and ask myself, “Are things slowing down a bit and that’s causing my mind to create this situation?” Often, the answer is yes. And then I decide on my way forward. 

By the end of the night, I could look back on the day with some pride.  I felt that feeling coming in and when I recognized it, I was able to move forward in awareness so that it didn’t take over. Instead, I was able to enjoy all of the most perfect parts of my day.  

Becoming a mom: A convenient way to become small

Having kids made it so easy, though to shrink back from the things that were a bit of a challenge and let my fear grow, which caused me to become even smaller.

Becoming a mother was really of my ultimate dreams.  I was going to have a job, get married and have kids.  That summed up what I wanted for my life. I think that’s fairly general and uncreative desire.  So, maybe my dreams didn’t start out all that big to begin with. I chalk that up to my own self-doubt (that I continue to struggle with).  

We have three kids.  Three sounds like a manageable number, but let me tell you, it often feels like one million kids.  Ours are close in age (currently ages 8, 6 and 5) and two-thirds of them have some sort of recurring or persistent health issue. Even if they had no health issues, three kids is a lot of mental, emotional and physical work.  It can really consume you and drain you of life.

Now, here’s where people are like, “But children are a gift” and “You’re so blessed” and “They grow so fast.”  And all of those things are true. But parenting, much like the rest of life and humanity is a multi-dimensioned thing.  It’s complicated and simple. And tiring and beautiful. And it gives people permission to shrink themselves.

I have been lost in the chaos for quite some time.  I think I finally started to emerge about two years ago.  At that point, I started to try things that were outside of my comfort zone just to grow as a person.  Becoming a mother had helped me kind of stop seeing myself as a person and just saw myself as a vehicle for survival for my family: the product of my ultimate dream.

Just like marriage, though, having kids is not really an actualized dream in itself, it’s more of a threshold that you cross into some really rough and scary territory.  Parenthood (and marriage) is the beginning of something new, not an end - and often, the something new is difficult and involves things you never thought you’d ever have to do or think about.

And it’s busy.  You could easily busy yourself with all of the things that your little tyrants, I mean treasures, want or need.  Washing clothes, preparing food, following through with rewards/consequences, playing, organizing, or shopping for their tiny clothes.

And the thing is, that busy-ness that seems necessary is actually a trap. Or a really convenient excuse to put yourself second (or third or fourth or tenth) on your list of priorities.  And over time, your dreams and desires for yourself become shrink so much that you kind of forget that you had them.

And the busy-ness is sometimes secret camouflage for fear.

“I can’t do that, I don’t have time to.“

“I can’t take care of myself, I have to take care of the kids. My husband doesn’t know how to take care of the kids like I do.”

“ I don’t have the time to go to school/work out/eat well/do yoga/spend time with friends because I’m needed at home.”

And it may be true.  And it also may be a lie.  

It’s easy to say that your family is first.  I mean, we hear it all the time, right? But as a parent, you are really leading the charge here.  You are teaching these young people how to live and how to be. And if you’re not taking care of yourself and making your dreams come true, what are you teaching them about taking care of themselves and making their dreams come true?

Modeling behavior is one very commonly used teaching strategy in the classroom and in life.  But we forget that sometimes. And sometimes we forget that parenting is actually teaching another person how to exist and survive in the world - the same world that we live and function in on a daily basis.

But really, when you put your family first, sometimes what your mind is secretly telling you is something like, “I am afraid to take the risk to learn how to dance, so I will keep myself busy making dinner from scratch every night.” “I don’t want to face the possibility of being scrutinized, so I won’t write the book that I want to write.”  “I don’t want to be judged by others so, I’m not going to _____ - instead I’ll re-organize the kids’ closet. What brings us joy anyway?” “It’s hard for me to navigate social situations, so I’ll just make sure I’m super mom at home.”

And if you’re a stay at home mom, the challenge is way bigger.  Not only do you miss out on the validation that working moms often find at work, you tend to get no validation or even negative messaging that you are doing your job horribly (either through unfinished tasks or misbehaving children). So you face the task of having to find confidence that comes with regular accomplishment somewhere deep, deep inside you.  You have to find the courage to try and take a risk that may not exist anymore because you don’t have the repeated feedback loop that tells you that you are regularly facing challenges and overcoming them in some way. (Most of that comes from our own mental messages to ourselves and our natural tendency to focus on the negative, not the positive messages that we give ourselves.)

“I am afraid that if I try to eat right, I’ll fall off the wagon - again - so I’ll just make sure that we get to all of our appointments on time and just do my best.”

“I am afraid of feeling left out, so I won’t make plans with people.”

“They won’t like me, so I won’t join that mom’s group.”

You should not do things that you don’t want to do just because you want to punish yourself. That’s not what I’m saying.  But what I’m saying is that having a family is sometimes a convenient excuse to let your fear take over your thinking and hold you back from all of the amazing things that you can experience in life.  This is your one life and that fear of failure (or fear of success) is VERY strong. So you don’t have to say yes to everything, but think about why you’re saying no. Is it because you really have no desire to participate, or is it because you are afraid of what will happen if you DO say yes?

Because if it’s fear, then you alone (and not your family) is holding you back.

Everyone faces obstacles on their success (otherwise the success would be meaningless!) and the obstacles look different for everyone.  But there are many ways around an obstacle - sometimes it’s over, under, around or through. If you are trying the same ways over and over to overcome your obstacle, your fear may be telling you that it’s too hard to overcome.  It might be time to pull in some extra help to get you thinking of different and new ways to overcome it. And it might be time to be OPEN to trying something new. (Which is totally scary, I get it.) But when it comes to your life - you are the boss and you get to decide what your experience of this life will be.  No matter what the obstacles.