On Expectations

I try to keep my expectations low.  When I have low expectations at work, at home, in relationships, then anything above my low expectations is a gift.  This actually works out pretty well for me and keeps me from being disappointed quite often.

As we have started the process of getting Ana enrolled in kindergarten, I’ve been forced to recognize the high expectations that I’m creating for her academic life.  The realization that I was doing this was a bit surprising, but I started to see how much expectation I was putting on her (and me).  She was chosen by lottery to be in a Spanish two-way bilingual immersion program.  With this program you can get a seal of biliteracy on your diploma and become a translator.  Whether or not she wants these things, my heart is dreaming of all of the doors that biliteracy can open for her.  My expectations are high.  

Then something tragic happened to a dear friend.  Her only son suddenly passed away at age twenty five.  This rocked my world.  As a mother, her pain resonated in me.  I could not imagine the magnitude of her loss or the struggles I would face with my own identity if I were in her place.  

Since hearing the terrible news, I have been faced with the high expectations that I have lived with subconsciously since becoming a mother, none of them having to do with academics.  I expect that if I take good enough care of my children, they will be safe.  I expect that if they survive to adulthood, my heart won’t be broken when they are physically hurt as adults.  I expect that they will die a “natural” death after I have already died.  I expect that they will fulfill all of the dreams they have for themselves and that they will work hard to achieve those dreams.  I expect that my partner, Jeff, will be by my side for all of it.  

The thing is, I can’t live without these expectations.  They help me function each day.  If I try to combat them, then all of my energy will be spent fighting these expectations and I’ll have energy for nothing else.  But I want to maintain my low expectations to resist disappointment.  I guess all that I’m left with is acknowledging the expectations as I encounter them and working with whatever I’m faced with.  

Gosh, that seems hard to do, especially now that I’ve been reminded that absolutely nothing is guaranteed and ANYTHING can happen. 

Struggling with Simplicity

Over two decades ago, I had a conversation with one of my best friends about what we’d each like for our kids as they grow up.  At the wise old age of thirteen, we obviously knew it all.  We had this idea, (well, actually I think it was his idea) that even if we were rich, it would be better if our kids felt poor. Then our kids would actually appreciate the things they have.  If we were rich, we’d still try to live in the “hood” and have a small house and save all of our riches in the bank.

What a fine idea that was!  

When I think about our family’s mission, I know that part of my intention was to bring simplicity (and hopefully in turn appreciation) in our children’s (and our) lives.  

Right now, I feel that we are so far from all of that.

Life is crazy busy.  Some of that is borne out of obligation, like the need to work and follow a work schedule.  Some of that is to build up the “connection” part of our mission by being present with those that we have relationships with.  The rest of the craziness just comes from being a family of five and living with all of the conflict and excitement that goes along with that.

In all of the craziness, excess and chaos thrive.

As each day goes by, the quantity and quality of my conversations with each of my family members decreases.  In the rush to get dinner on the table, the TV goes on and interaction (both positive and negative) decreases.  In my own stress, I turn to my phone for a moment to numb myself since I can’t get 30 minutes to turn off my brain and watch a television show (my favorite form of escape these days).  

In my recognition of the neglect that exists, I try to fill that void with gifts - especially with our oldest.  It makes me want to do something “extra special” on their birthday or pick up an unneeded toy when I’m at the store.  For myself, as I struggle to accept my post-child body, I seek to comfort myself with that dress that will look just right or the boots that I “need.”  As a result, our home is overflowing with stuff we just don’t need.  

As I try to refocus, I need to remember where my weaknesses begin and cut myself off “at the pass” so to speak.  I need to separate myself from my phone, where new boots are just a tap away.  I need to get back to the crock pot or prepping the night before so that dinner is simpler.  I need to leave work earlier so that I am not so rushed when I get home.  I need to avoid in-person shopping.  When I do shop, I need to stay focused and not wander.

All of these things feel so good in the moment: the satisfaction of getting a great deal on the boots, the joy on Sweet A’s face when she gets that toy or the mindlessness of scrolling through social media.  However, just like the ice cream I ate yesterday, that moment of happiness leaves me with lingering guilt and a feeling of overwhelmedness.  That fleeting joy is just not worth it. 

Reflections upon losing a loved one

Recently, my last grandparent passed away.  In addition to the sadness that accompanies such an event, it causes reflection as well.

One thing that I began to think about is the impact that a person can have and the impact that my grandma had on me.  

When I think about my grandma, I remember that she was the one person that I always felt loved me.  It wasn’t that my parents or other grandparents didn’t love me, but I always felt that she really loved me.  

My parents were busy providing us with a home, raising three kids and feeding us along with all of the things that currently keep me busy on a daily basis in my own life at this time.  I know my parents loved (and love) me.  The thing that made my grandma different is that she had more free time and more time to just sit and be with me.  she had soda and cookies and cakes and that was great too, but she also had time to sit and watch tv or paint nails or play with dressup and makeup.  She took us with her on errands.  She was affectionate and hugged us and let us sit right next to her or on her lap.  She rarely yelled or was frustrated with us. She was always happy to see us.

When I think about my daily life now and how my children will view me as they grow, I know that I will have shortcomings in their eyes no matter what I do, but I also wonder what I can do differently now to make a difference to them.  

As parents, we know that everything we do is for our kids: we go to work, we choose safe caregivers for them, we work overtime, we choose healthy foods to prepare for them, but those things may not be the things that they most value.  So what’s a parent to do?

I think we have to just keep doing the best we can.  I think we have to make clear why we make the choices we do as a family. For example, when we choose to not buy more toys, it’s actually so that we can live more simply (so that we can help others in our community and live responsibly), not because we don’t want our kids to be happy.  Or when we choose to not enroll in another activity, it’s so that we can have restful time together, not because we think our daughter is NOT the world’s next soccer superstar.  Basically, we need to communicate our reasoning to our children, not leave them guessing about why we make the decisions we do for our family.  

I think I also need to be aware of the different ways people receive love and think about what that might look like for my kids.  Just because I love words and affection, doesn’t mean that they do too.  Most of figuring that out will be trial and error.  

But the thing is, I’ve got to try.

Today, in the name of my Grandma, I’m recommitting to being present with my kids, simplifying our home and making sure that the moments we have really do count. 

The Encouragement I Never Listen To: My Own

The other day, I was sharing some of the trials and tribulations our family has been experiencing.  The recipient of these stories told me that she read my blog and she said, “It’s just like you say in your blog, ‘You are not alone’.”  

First off, I was shocked that she read my blog - I never can tell who does read it and I am always in disbelief when those I love and respect are also readers! Second, I could not believe she was quoting my own blog back to me! Third, I realized that there are so many things I believe in for people, but I don’t believe them for myself.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that although I have had these revelations, it’s difficult for me to make them a part of my core belief system when it comes to me and my own life.  But I REALLY want others to believe it for themselves.

Here are the things I want for all people to believe that I also struggle with:

1. You are not alone.  

There are so many times when it feels that you are alone or that life is tough or that your life is tougher than others, but really you are not the only one experiencing whatever you are going through. Other people are likely going through it too but are quiet about it.  Talking about it won’t relieve the toughness of it all, but it sometimes helps you to know that you’re not the only one struggling with it.

2. You are worth loving as you are.

I come back to this one ALL the time.  When I’m struggling, I automatically turn to my imperfections and weaknesses.  I think about all that I am not capable of and all of the people who are different and better than me.  I fail to see the parts of me that are beautiful and loveable.  But the thing is, no one I know is perfect and all of those people are worth loving.  Some days the loving is more difficult, but when the love is there, it’s there - no matter how difficult one might be on any particular day.

3. Everyone is different and you bring unique strengths to the proverbial table.

I struggle with comparison.  It’s so easy for me to see the strengths in others and how those strengths play together to create amazing things.  What I often fail to see are my own natural strengths and how they fit in with others around me.  When you take a moment to compliment someone’s strengths, you may be reminding them of what they have forgotten.

4. Don’t let that person’s actions get you down.

I crave to be liked.  It has always been true about me.  Any time something someone says or does seems to reflect that I’m not liked by that person, it gets me down - really down. That one interaction could bother me through the night.  How could I have been different or better? What did I do wrong?  But the thing is, it’s not always about me.  Sometimes it’s about that person and where they were at when they encountered me.  (Although sometimes it really IS me!)

5. You are doing a good job.

When someone tells me this, I immediately discount it.  What does that even mean?  What does a “good job” mean to them? Are my standards different from theirs? I often believe that others are doing great at their particular strength, but I struggle to accept that for myself.

In every situation where I don’t listen to my own words, something happens.  It starts with a small act of kindness from someone else, or maybe a small success that is meaningful for me.  As those things continue to pile up, I start to remember my words.    Sometimes I even have to say them out loud to myself: you are not alone, you are worth loving, you have unique strengths, don’t let them get you down, you are doing a good job.  As it turns out, these ideas are not a final destination.  They are not a state of being. They are just mile markers along the road; mile markers that need to be re-encountered many times before it really sinks in.

The Great Sadness

*** Disclaimer:  I do not believe I suffer from mental illness.  I have not been diagnosed with depression.  I do not claim to represent someone in either category.  Please seek professional help if you think you may be suffering from depression or mental illness.****

The Great Sadness descends upon me once or twice a year.  It usually happens when I feel that I have disappointed someone I admire or love.  It causes a downward spiral in my attitude and outlook and generally it sets the stage for me to only see the things I do wrong.

It’s as though the Great Sadness offers me a pair of glasses through which I can view my world.  Rather than them being rose-colored, they are ash-colored and allow me to only see only the negative that I do in my life.  These glasses not only show me what I’m doing wrong in the present, but it also sets up a movie screen in my brain that replays my whole life’s worth of negative thoughts about myself: poor decisions, bad situations, and general self-hate.  

Some might say, “How can you feel worthless? You bring worth to your kids!” but I’m talking about bringing worth to peers and feeling valued by others for who you are , not for keeping your children alive on a daily basis.

A friend recently felt the Great Sadness.  As is normally the case with Great Sadnesses, there was nothing I could do or say to help.  But it did remind me that there are some tenets that I live by when it comes to dealing with the Great Sadness.  

1. It will eventually go away.

Unless you are suffering from depression, the Sadness should eventually go away.  When I'm in the Sadness, it feels that there is no escape.  It seems that it will go on forever, and I wonder how I could possibly go back to a life where I experience joy or happiness.  But after a few days, the Sadness lifts and I go back to my life - albeit it’s with a bit of a sadness hangover, but even that eventually goes away.

2. It’s often intensified by hormones.

As a young person, I never acknowledged the strength of my own body.  In recent years, I understand more about what it’s capable of, and so much of that is invisible to me.  Hormones play a much larger role in the Sadness - and in my general reactions - than I ever gave them credit for.  Something that upsets me during a hormonal time can send me over the edge while in a non-hormonal time, that same thing might roll off my back.

3. Nights of sleep often help.  

The more nights of sleep that happen, the better I feel.  While I may go to bed feeling hopeless, the Sadness loosens its grip after a night of sleep.  Sometimes the Sadness, wanting to keep its tight grip, will keep playing those negative images in my brain so I can’t sleep, but (given the craziness of our home) sleep comes soon.

4. Meditation is key.

I am terrible at making time to meditate, but when those negative images keep scrolling across my mind before sleep time, the one thing that helps me reset and sleep is to blank my mind.  If a negative thought comes in, I erase it from my brain as if my brain is a chalkboard.  I try to focus on that blank chalkboard to prevent other thoughts from coming in and that blankness allows me to relax and sleep.  

5. Distractions help.  

When I can’t blank my mind because I’m busy with life, negative thoughts squeeze into the spaces between activities.  As I feel them creeping in, I’ll take the time to pick up a book, a magazine or turn on a television show I want to catch up on.  Being social during the Sadness is hard for me, but I do find that being distracted by conflicts of other people (especially fake ones) helps me to avoid the negativity in my brain.  Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I think the negative thoughts are just self-awareness and self-criticism to help one improve, but in the Sadness, the negative thoughts are a barrage of past or present mistakes that are not helpful, but just meant to terrorize.  

6. Forgive yourself.

When I’m in the sadness, I also take the time to forgive myself. When I’m capable of being fully present with my past mistakes I sometimes take the time to pause and tell myself that it’s ok that that particular thing happened and nothing can be done to change it now.  All I can do is make better choices is in the future.  Through this, I have been able to block out some of the old, old mistakes from coming back, but I have to actively forgive myself for not knowing better and remind myself that I can do things differently if a similar situation arises.  I also find that by practicing forgiveness with myself, I become much better at forgiving others.  It’s a skill, like any other, that needs to be practiced until it is mastered.

I actually don’t think I have ever spoken to anyone about the Great Sadness.  I mentioned it to my husband for the first time just a few days ago.  He didn’t know that I had been experiencing this on a semi-regular basis.  I’m not sure if I don’t talk about it because it’s a taboo subject or just because it’s a downer.  It could also be that I tend to avoid others when I’m in the Sadness and when it’s over, I don’t want anything more to do with it.  Either way, if you are feeling the Sadness, you are not alone!

Marriage is a choice

There are times when the “for better or worse” part of the wedding vows come into play.  For us, the past four years or so have been a real test of that vow.

Now don’t go rushing off to your friends worried that there is something wrong with our marriage.  (I’ve had this happen before.  It’s great that you care, but we can handle this, thanks.) Just like any marriage, it’s difficult.  I believe in commitment and I know we will get through the ups and downs, but the thing is, the up and down of it all is trying.  

What I’ve realized is that marriage is a choice. Ok, so that’s a “duh” statement.  But what I mean is that it’s a choice EVERY DAY, not just on your wedding day.  

Remember that baby haze  that I wrote about a while ago?  Well, our marriage has gone through it’s own baby haze and it has taken about four years for us to start to emerge from it.  

The thing that is helping lift the haze (and strengthen our marriage) is this idea of choice.  As things became worse and worse, we had to make many choices.  Therapy or no therapy? Individual therapy or couples therapy? Date night or no date night?

I think the mistake that I often make is believing that marriage is a sure thing; it will always be there, like the sun rising or the sky being blue.  I generally treat it as such.  I take it for granted and coast through as if all is fine and normal until maybe the sun doesn’t come up or the sky is green.  

But in this particularly rough year for us, what has turned things around for me is realizing that marriage is actively making many choices each day to make marriage worthwhile.  

Here are some of the choices I’ve made recently that have made a big difference:

Choose to be present with your partner.  When the day is done and there are lulls in activity or the kids have gone to bed, there are so many ways to check out so that even when you’re in the same space, you are not actually with your partner.  The device of choice is often one’s phone, but it could also be television, writing, gaming, other people, reading, or drinking.  I’ve found that when I choose to put those distractions aside and really focus on the opportunities I have to be present with my partner, I feel more engaged and empathetic as well as just more connected and happy.  One challenge can be if your partner is not on the same page with being present, but that’s when it becomes important to vocalize your wishes.

Choose to talk to your partner.  I think that J and I have a pretty communicative relationship with each other, but when things are tense - like when I’m avoiding my phone to be present and he’s not present - I find that I revert back to my old ways; primarily the silent treatment.  I always have to shake myself free of this (because it feels so good and passive aggressive!) but I have to remind myself that just because I have had this epiphany, it doesn’t mean he knows it or that he agrees with the philosophy.  Although it is probably the most important and seemingly easy of the things we can do with our partner, I find it to be the most difficult.  Talking and really listening can be so challenging given the chaotic nature of our home life, but it’s really the only way we know what journey our partner is on and how we can walk that journey with them (and how they can walk with us).  

Choose to have special days/times with partner.  I don’t think I believe in romance.  I mean I hate dressing up and putting on heels and I often feel that “romantic” things feel so contrived.  So I tend to ignore that “stuff.”  But despite that, I need to make special days for J.  What we’ve realized (through talking!) is that what is romantic to each of us is not that contrived stuff, but it’s taking the time to focus on each other.  It could be a hike, a happy hour, a dinner or a drive.  None of those things feel fake, but they do help to increase the connection between us.  

Choose non-bedroom intimacy.  This one was a shocker for me.  I hadn’t realized that over the years we had stopped hugging, kissing, cuddling or holding hands outside of our bedroom.  Now that I realize that, it seems crazy!  As we started our reconnection, this non-bedroom intimacy kind of started on it’s own and it changed the feeling of lots of moments in our day.  As a mother of three small children, I can easily get “touched out” or get my hugs and kisses from them.  When I stop to give J a hug or kiss in a short gasp of time between activities, it makes our connection physical and creates a space for a more loving and caring atmosphere.  All it takes is that one moment of presence and physical touch to make the talking and special time that much more special.

Choose to be aware of yourself.  As we both started our journeys to making each other (and ourselves) happy in our marriage, we each had a chance to talk to a neutral third party.  As a result, both of us were more aware of the actions we were taking and how they were affecting the other.  This became apparent when things would go sideways and one of us (usually J) would ask what exactly happened to create that reaction in the other.  This awareness caused us each to stop being controlled by the stressful situation, step back and make a decision (or just communication) to change the feeling of the moment.  As we continue to be aware and ask questions, we are each slowly able to make changes in our habits to create the kind of marriage that we want for ourselves and that we want our kids to see.  

None of this is rocket science, and all of it is related.  These things are all part of probably the most important element of marriage: connection.  The thing is, connection is not everlasting.  It is easy to start with it while you are still “in love” with your spouse, but that connection can fade fast and it really requires a daily upkeep.  For me, that upkeep happens when I make small choices every day.