On Expectations

I try to keep my expectations low.  When I have low expectations at work, at home, in relationships, then anything above my low expectations is a gift.  This actually works out pretty well for me and keeps me from being disappointed quite often.

As we have started the process of getting Ana enrolled in kindergarten, I’ve been forced to recognize the high expectations that I’m creating for her academic life.  The realization that I was doing this was a bit surprising, but I started to see how much expectation I was putting on her (and me).  She was chosen by lottery to be in a Spanish two-way bilingual immersion program.  With this program you can get a seal of biliteracy on your diploma and become a translator.  Whether or not she wants these things, my heart is dreaming of all of the doors that biliteracy can open for her.  My expectations are high.  

Then something tragic happened to a dear friend.  Her only son suddenly passed away at age twenty five.  This rocked my world.  As a mother, her pain resonated in me.  I could not imagine the magnitude of her loss or the struggles I would face with my own identity if I were in her place.  

Since hearing the terrible news, I have been faced with the high expectations that I have lived with subconsciously since becoming a mother, none of them having to do with academics.  I expect that if I take good enough care of my children, they will be safe.  I expect that if they survive to adulthood, my heart won’t be broken when they are physically hurt as adults.  I expect that they will die a “natural” death after I have already died.  I expect that they will fulfill all of the dreams they have for themselves and that they will work hard to achieve those dreams.  I expect that my partner, Jeff, will be by my side for all of it.  

The thing is, I can’t live without these expectations.  They help me function each day.  If I try to combat them, then all of my energy will be spent fighting these expectations and I’ll have energy for nothing else.  But I want to maintain my low expectations to resist disappointment.  I guess all that I’m left with is acknowledging the expectations as I encounter them and working with whatever I’m faced with.  

Gosh, that seems hard to do, especially now that I’ve been reminded that absolutely nothing is guaranteed and ANYTHING can happen.