Marriage is a choice

There are times when the “for better or worse” part of the wedding vows come into play.  For us, the past four years or so have been a real test of that vow.

Now don’t go rushing off to your friends worried that there is something wrong with our marriage.  (I’ve had this happen before.  It’s great that you care, but we can handle this, thanks.) Just like any marriage, it’s difficult.  I believe in commitment and I know we will get through the ups and downs, but the thing is, the up and down of it all is trying.  

What I’ve realized is that marriage is a choice. Ok, so that’s a “duh” statement.  But what I mean is that it’s a choice EVERY DAY, not just on your wedding day.  

Remember that baby haze  that I wrote about a while ago?  Well, our marriage has gone through it’s own baby haze and it has taken about four years for us to start to emerge from it.  

The thing that is helping lift the haze (and strengthen our marriage) is this idea of choice.  As things became worse and worse, we had to make many choices.  Therapy or no therapy? Individual therapy or couples therapy? Date night or no date night?

I think the mistake that I often make is believing that marriage is a sure thing; it will always be there, like the sun rising or the sky being blue.  I generally treat it as such.  I take it for granted and coast through as if all is fine and normal until maybe the sun doesn’t come up or the sky is green.  

But in this particularly rough year for us, what has turned things around for me is realizing that marriage is actively making many choices each day to make marriage worthwhile.  

Here are some of the choices I’ve made recently that have made a big difference:

Choose to be present with your partner.  When the day is done and there are lulls in activity or the kids have gone to bed, there are so many ways to check out so that even when you’re in the same space, you are not actually with your partner.  The device of choice is often one’s phone, but it could also be television, writing, gaming, other people, reading, or drinking.  I’ve found that when I choose to put those distractions aside and really focus on the opportunities I have to be present with my partner, I feel more engaged and empathetic as well as just more connected and happy.  One challenge can be if your partner is not on the same page with being present, but that’s when it becomes important to vocalize your wishes.

Choose to talk to your partner.  I think that J and I have a pretty communicative relationship with each other, but when things are tense - like when I’m avoiding my phone to be present and he’s not present - I find that I revert back to my old ways; primarily the silent treatment.  I always have to shake myself free of this (because it feels so good and passive aggressive!) but I have to remind myself that just because I have had this epiphany, it doesn’t mean he knows it or that he agrees with the philosophy.  Although it is probably the most important and seemingly easy of the things we can do with our partner, I find it to be the most difficult.  Talking and really listening can be so challenging given the chaotic nature of our home life, but it’s really the only way we know what journey our partner is on and how we can walk that journey with them (and how they can walk with us).  

Choose to have special days/times with partner.  I don’t think I believe in romance.  I mean I hate dressing up and putting on heels and I often feel that “romantic” things feel so contrived.  So I tend to ignore that “stuff.”  But despite that, I need to make special days for J.  What we’ve realized (through talking!) is that what is romantic to each of us is not that contrived stuff, but it’s taking the time to focus on each other.  It could be a hike, a happy hour, a dinner or a drive.  None of those things feel fake, but they do help to increase the connection between us.  

Choose non-bedroom intimacy.  This one was a shocker for me.  I hadn’t realized that over the years we had stopped hugging, kissing, cuddling or holding hands outside of our bedroom.  Now that I realize that, it seems crazy!  As we started our reconnection, this non-bedroom intimacy kind of started on it’s own and it changed the feeling of lots of moments in our day.  As a mother of three small children, I can easily get “touched out” or get my hugs and kisses from them.  When I stop to give J a hug or kiss in a short gasp of time between activities, it makes our connection physical and creates a space for a more loving and caring atmosphere.  All it takes is that one moment of presence and physical touch to make the talking and special time that much more special.

Choose to be aware of yourself.  As we both started our journeys to making each other (and ourselves) happy in our marriage, we each had a chance to talk to a neutral third party.  As a result, both of us were more aware of the actions we were taking and how they were affecting the other.  This became apparent when things would go sideways and one of us (usually J) would ask what exactly happened to create that reaction in the other.  This awareness caused us each to stop being controlled by the stressful situation, step back and make a decision (or just communication) to change the feeling of the moment.  As we continue to be aware and ask questions, we are each slowly able to make changes in our habits to create the kind of marriage that we want for ourselves and that we want our kids to see.  

None of this is rocket science, and all of it is related.  These things are all part of probably the most important element of marriage: connection.  The thing is, connection is not everlasting.  It is easy to start with it while you are still “in love” with your spouse, but that connection can fade fast and it really requires a daily upkeep.  For me, that upkeep happens when I make small choices every day.