2019 started off in the best worst way

Here we are, almost a month into the new year.  

Normally, a new year signifies no major change for me. I’m not a resolution maker; 
if I want to resolve to do something, I do it right then. And then I go for it. This year 
was a little different for our family.

The holidays (starting with Thanksgiving) brought us back to some really 
challenging skin issues for one of our littles.  A resurgence of a virus 
that had us in the hospital early last year and then out of control behavior 
and anxiety plus a bad eczema breakout that resulted in starting 
antibiotics (again).  All of these issues were keeping me (and as a result 
also my family) on edge. It was like a dark river was running just 
beneath the surface of whatever joy and fun we were experiencing in life.

We have always been a little lax on our food allergies here.  There is 
a LONG list of things that we react to and it’s difficult to eat around 
those things: especially when I’m a timid and inexperienced cook.

After seeing how our son’s skin reacted to a bad combination of the 
weather and the food we were indulging in over the holidays, I 
decided it was time to make a change.  We had also read about how 
food can impact anxiety and I know how my own food choices 
(even though I have no diagnosed food allergies) can greatly 
impact my attitude, my feelings and my outward behavior.  And if 
that’s happening for me, what on earth am I putting my kids through!?!

Big Changes

So, I started researching.  Of course. I didn’t realize that there 
were actually cookbooks out there for people like us with many 
food allergies. One in particular- Pure Delicious by Heather Christo - 
is amazing, in fact, it’s one of the best cookbooks I’ve ever used.  
Not only are the recipes simple and easy to make, but almost every 
recipe has a picture, so you can check if what you made looks 
right.  And the pictures are BEAUTIFUL. It was a reminder that 
food that is allergy friendly can actually be easy to make, include 
mostly real and clean ingredients and can be delicious enough 
to share.

As a family, we decided to eat for our son’s allergies.  This 
was HUGE for us. We generally avoided his allergens, and 
would occasionally eat them but not allow him to have that part 
of the meal.  This time, we were going all in.

I know that as the dictator of this house, I expect that I can 
tell our family what we’re doing and that they’ll do it.  With food, 
I am the least effective dictator ever. We were already in a 
pattern of very limited food because of my poor cooking skills 
and our kids’ picky eating.  This new way of eating would get 
at three things then: 1) teach me to be more skilled in the kitchen 
2) avoid the allergens we are aware of 3) teach all of us 
flexibility in eating and trying new things (and get a lot more 
veggies in our diets).

Getting the kids on board

One night, during a major meltdown by one of our kids, I 
asked the other two what they thought about that fit, since 
that situation happens all the time.  They said that they were 
ok with it as long as the kid was safe. I pressed on to ask if 
they thought that we, as a family, or the child, as the 
fit-thrower, was happy to be in that situation.  They agreed that, 
no, it was not good for any of us.

I told them about my idea.  I told them that I’d reward those 
who tried new things and finished their food, but that overall, 
we are doing this to support our family member and to be 
healthier ourselves.  

Clean plate club!

They were open to it!

When Jeff came back into the room with our little fit-thrower, 
one of our kids announced to him that we were going 
to change our diet.  

We decided to take it slow.  First, we made an easy switch 
and traded our whole wheat pasta for gluten-free pasta.  
We also traded out our oat milk and Cheerios for rice milk
 and Rice Krispies due to the oat allergy that we had 
been ignoring. Both of those switches seemed to make a 
big impact.  This change was simple, but gave me the 
time I needed to do some meal planning around the meals 
for the following week.

And then things got worse...

During this time of transition, there was a bit of a detox happening 
for some of us.  It created some crankiness, fogginess and a few 
tantrums...like every day. We also had antibiotics prescribed for 
one child.  Antibiotics that were necessary, but were also disgusting 
and required a large dose. EVERY administration of that giant dose 
was a power struggle that involved delay tactics, crying whining, 
pleading, etc.  It was a hard, hard week.

The anxiety that we were trying to help treat seemed to worsen.  And 
the tantrums were spinning out of control.

I do not cry easily, but I cried twice that week.  In front of other people.

Getting the help we needed

In panic mode by that first Friday, I was emailing the pediatrician, 
psychiatrist, behavior specialist, friends, and anyone who might be 
able to help me.

Luckily, we were able to get some emergency help from a friend 
and our behavior specialist.  By Saturday evening, we had a plan. 
It involved priming our kids with what needed to happen and 
then reinforcing the behaviors we wanted to see through a 
variety of reinforcers valuable to each kid.  

And then, just like magic, the following week was a dream.  For 
the first time ever, I was early getting to work every single day.  There 
was only crying on one day and even then, I was still early and the 
crying was not nearly as bad as it had been on any day before that. On 
the one day of crying, we followed through with not giving the valuable 
reinforcer and the child learned their lesson.  The next day, things were 
a dream again!!!!

Through that tough week, I could not imagine that easy mornings or 
evenings were possible, until suddenly, they were.  

For the first time EVER in our family:

1. We had happy and helpful kids in the morning.  Each one doing 
   their part to help get us ready for the day.
2. We were all out the door on time to their destinations.
3. There was no complaining about dinner (even if it was new) 
   and all eating ALL of their dinner 95% of the time without any drama!
4. We had kids eating more vegetables and a variety of vegetables 
   - probably more than they had ever had in one week.  They ate 
   an entire package of Costco bell peppers AND cucumbers!!!
5. There was hardly any yelling!!!!
6. Jeff and I were in bed by 9pm (and sometimes earlier) - meaning 
   the kids were in bed  before then!
7. Every night, I started in my own bed (instead of one of the kids’ beds) 
   and I stayed in my own bed all night!

Suddenly, all of these things just clicked right  in. The impossible 
became possible in a super short period of time.  My life went from 
feeling like a nightmare to becoming one of the best weeks OF OUR 
LIVES.  I cannot believe the happiness and lightness I feel now that 
we have a way to manage the anxiety behaviors that were taking over our home
 like a dark monster.  For once, I feel that I have the time and space to 
breathe and be kind and be present to listen to my family and enjoy each 
others’ company.

The thing that I find so crazy is that we were suffering for a long time 
and not even realizing it.  Here, I thought we were just doing what 
families do and getting by as best we could. What I didn’t realize was 
that we needed help and that it was out there.  We hit a point of total 
breakdown only to find that it was actually a turning point to becoming 
the best that we have ever been: individually an as a family.

Whatever it is that you are silently suffering through, there may not 
be a need for that suffering.  Reach out and see what resources are 
available to you - it could make for the best worst time of your life.

On Stolen Hearts

Have you seen Moana??? (Warning, there are some spoilers here, so stop reading and watch it - then come back!)

Honestly, even if you don't have kids, it's such a beautiful visual experience and has a sweet story about family traditions and knowing yourself.  And it reminds me of beautiful tropical places, so it's just the right thing for leading into summer!

So, sometimes after the kids get out of the car, I'm still listening to the kids' music.  This morning, it was the Moana soundtrack.

There is a song where Moana faces one of the antagonists in the story and she, for the first time, sees who the antagonist (Te Ka) really is.  Here's what she says:



I have crossed the horizon to find you, 
I know your name 
They have stolen the heart from inside you, 
but this does not define you 
This is not who you are 
You know who you are.

 With Mother's Day fast approaching, I couldn't help seeing that in some ways, Te Ka is just like a mother - or at least just like me as a mother.  Te Ka is explosive and angry and is protective of her space. She feels wronged and pushes people away.

As it turns out, her heart has been stolen.  This crime has led her to become a violent monster.

Moana recognizes Te Ka and who she really is.  She sees past all of the anger and sees that she is a wronged being.

And then she sings her song.

In some ways, our children are born and they steal parts of our hearts.  In some ways, it's that lovely, "Oh, you've stolen my heart and I love you so much," and in other ways, it feels like they've ripped part of us out.

They start by stealing our bodies and changing them in some unexpected ways, then they proceed to steal our free time, our sleep, and our priorities.  As a result, we love them fiercely, but there may be a tiny bud of resentment that blooms as you see your non-parent friends doing things you used to do:  going out to dinner, sleeping all night long, having wide open weekends; all while you stay home and combat your little tyrant(s).

Now, I'm not trying to make our children the villains.  They are the main part of my best memories.  By just being themselves, they change everything.  They can smile or hug or cuddle or say something silly and change the entire mood of a home.  However, raising kids is not easy. Yes, it is full of love and joyful moments, but they are at some cost to us as parents.

At some point, we have to return our hearts to ourselves. That begins with recognizing that part of you that was once there has been lost.  Sure, it has grown in differently to compensate, but it's just not the same.  Second, you have to decide that you want some part of that returned to you and then you have to figure out how to get it back.

Once we see that we deserve to have some of our hearts back, I think that's when we decide to take care of ourselves.  And we realize, as Te Ka experiences, that when those parts are restored, we have more to give: more love, more comfort, more kindness.

I think my most "heartless" times are behind me.  My eyes are open now.  I've steadily been making myself a priority and as a result, what I can return to my children is much more valuable and of much more quality. It's less anger and  more attention. It's less explosion and more patience.

The things that have restored my heart are not things that sound appealing, but once I started, I could see and feel the difference.  My heart-restoring activities mean that I get up earlier to work out.  I sacrifice some of my weekend time to do food prep of healthy foods.  I take the time to meditate or do yoga. I drink water.  I connect with people that matter to me.  These all seem like basic things and they are not all fun, but they help restore me physically and emotionally.  While they sometimes seem like a chore at the time, they become fuel for feeling whole.

While the stealing of your heart is beautiful, the getting it back is also beautiful.

So, what are middle schoolers like anyway?

I teach eighth grade.  It means everything that you think it means.  When I tell people 
what grade level I work with, I get a face, a vocal response or both.  

Eighth graders are everything: children, adults, defiant, kind, moody, real.  They 
can be the best and worst of humanity all within an hour, and it can change from 
hour to hour!

When the walkout protests were publicized on social media, I honestly did not take 
much time to think about it.  I double checked the details so that I would be at least 
aware of when it was so that I could be both supportive to students and whatever 
response they may have to whatever events were or were not organized (by students) 
on our campus and also to be supportive to our staff.  Everyone deserves to feel safe 
on a school campus, and I wanted to be part of that safety.

The walkout was scheduled for my prep.  If I had students during the time of the 
walkout, I was to remain in my classroom.  Since I had a prep during that time, I 
wanted to be available for supervision for student safety.

So, today was the day.  At 10am, I was in my room.  I wanted to walk downstairs to 
figure out where to go to be helpful, but I didn’t hear any students walk out.  Generally, 
ANYWHERE the kids go, you can hear them even if you ask them to be quiet.

When I finally made my way downstairs, I emerged from the hallway to see a few 
teachers also supervising.  The only way I could tell that anything was happening 
was that there were several teachers standing in a line facing the same direction 
and it was silent.

When I rounded the corner to face the same direction as the other teachers, I saw 
HUNDREDS of middle school students standing on the rain-soaked grass.  I nearly 
burst into tears. (I mean, that’s always my reaction when I see a group doing the 
same thing.)

For seventeen minutes, these students stood in the amphitheater listening quietly 
to the names of those students who perished in Florida.  Even those students that 
we worry about because of their behavior or attitudes were standing there not 
causing any problems, just standing in a huddle together.  

When the seventeen minutes were up, they were told by a classmate to return 
quietly to class AND THEY DID.  People, hundreds of sixth, seventh and eighth 
graders walked out of class and returned to class QUIETLY because they had a 
message to send.  

Generally, these folks are accused of being immature, impulsive and of having 
poor judgement.  Today, they showed that they are capable of much much more 
than we ever thought. They can organize, they can be respectful, and they have 
something to say.

I am angry and maybe you should be too.

I am angry.  

A couple of weeks ago, we completed our annual active shooter practice with my 
students.  

Every year, educators have a mandatory training in how to keep our students 
safe in the event that there is a mass shooting on our campus.  Then, we have 
a drill to practice what to do if that were to ever happen.  Students create 
barricades in front of doors. They practice making barricades inside classrooms 
to hide behind. We talk to them about defending themselves if they need to in 
order to save their lives.

Really!?!  I mean, is this really what we’ve been reduced to?  The ONLY way 
we can protect our CHILDREN  is by training them in how to react if someone 
were to come onto campus with a gun!?!

We’ve been doing this for years now, ever since Columbine.  But the thing is, the 
shootings are only increasing.  The likelihood that my current students and my 
own children will be present for an on-campus shooting is only increasing.

And it doesn’t stop there. YOU are in danger too!  Your workplace could be the 
site of a mass shooting.  The grocery store. The movie theater. A peaceful protest.  
Just walking down the street.

Mass shootings in our country are becoming normalized.  We practice for them 
instead of preventing them.

I chose to be a teacher because I had hope for using literacy to make a difference 
in a child’s life.  I never expected that the difference I would make would be helping 
them survive being shot at with a gun or training them in what to do if someone 
opens fire on the cafeteria.

If you have a school-aged child, they are participating in these drills too.  I had to 
talk to my own daughter to make sure she knew what to do if something “bad” 
were to happen on campus - just to check for her own first-grade understanding 
of what to do.  This is ridiculous.

Parents: your children’s lives are in the hands of the teachers and adults on their 
campus because we are unwilling to do ANYTHING to prevent these things from 
happening.

Obviously, these situations arise from complicated factors: access to guns, 
access to health care and mental health care, inability to communicate and or 
cope with one’s feelings, home lives, etc.

BUT I DON’T ACTUALLY CARE.

What I care about is the fact that little, tiny kindergartners have to practice 
leaving their classrooms through windows and hiding in cupboards; that big, 
giant teenagers have to wrestle with the thoughts of what they would do if they 
can’t get to their friends or save them in the event of a shooting; and that I have 
the nagging worry constantly in the back of my mind that every human being in 
my care could possibly be gunned down while trying to get an education.

America: WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE WE DOING!?!

Are you concerned?  Not sure what to do? Here are some SUPER basic suggestions:

• If you have guns, keep them secure.  Lock them up and lock up your ammunition separately.
• Call or write to your Congress
• Call or write to your Senator
• Join an organization that works to protect our children. Consider everytown.org, 
  or momsdemandaction.org

The Picture that Captures our Life - Right Now

The Picture that Captures our Life - Right Now

I love sending out the annual Christmas card.  In fact, I love using the mail. Period.  
But the Christmas card and creation of it is a torture that I enjoy.  

There are many obstacles in this course.  First, there is capturing the perfect picture - 
or group of pictures - that include all five of us.  Then, there is the selection of the 
card itself.  Then there’s the agreeing to the message.  Then there’s the actual stuffing, 

addressing, stamping, sealing and sending of the envelopes.  

At any rate, here’s the picture that we ended up with.  After the initial mailing, a 
friend said, “I love how the kids are all looking in their own directions, no one is looking 
the same way except you and Jeff.”

At the moment, I was like, “Ugh. Well, that was the most perfect we could get.”  
And then a moment later, I realized, that picture IS SO US RIGHT NOW.

If you look at our picture, you see two adults who are trying their best to hold it all 
together.  We have some sense of what is supposed to happen in this moment: you 
are supposed to look at the camera and smile as the person is taking the picture 
because we are putting all of our eggs in this basket - this is going to be our 
Christmas card picture.  The two adults pictured are finally seeing their lives resemble 
parts of their pre-child lives.  Finally, we can give time to our nutrition 

and fitness.  We can wake up refreshed after a full night’s sleep once in awhile.  We 
can see our friends - or the ones who are still around anyway (three young children 
have a way of eating away at not only your available time to socialize, but also your 
available desire to socialize.)  We can even show up to an event all easy-breezy 
and on time.

In some ways, this picture is a celebration of all things wonderful about emerging 
from the prolonged baby haze.  It was taken at my cousin’s wedding.  This picture 
is a celebration of all that we did that day.  We woke up, drove two hours, got 
dressed in mostly appropriate clothing and were not only on time, but early!!!!!

Now, shift your focus to the three young children.  NONE of which are obligingly 
looking at the camera or even smiling.  Each of them is staring off to the side 
because smiling and looking at the camera for five seconds is JUST. TOO. HARD.  

Each one of them is looking away and doing what they do.  Ana does not want to 
show her gappy smile because of her recently lost tooth.  So she does the closed-lip 
smile and she honestly does not have time for this looking at the camera thing.  
Levi doesn’t like his picture taken ever and he reverts to shyness, therefore he’s 
looking anywhere but where the camera person wants him to look. We were lucky to 
get a smile as he looked away.  Lucia is doing the most that she can just by standing 
with us and not being held.

Even as I write this, Ana is saying weepily, “I just want Mama to cuddle.” Lucia is 
demanding “something I can bite” because she’s hungry and Levi is fully absorbed 
by Netflix.

This is our life right now.  And honestly, it’s the best.  

While every day is full of moments of frustration, it is also filled with moments of 
supreme beauty.  The morning cuddles are unmatched.  While we have the 
opportunity to get up early and workout, these winter months have me falling back 
on the excuse, “I’ll just cuddle a little bit longer because they won’t want this forever.” 
(And just like that, five extra pounds jumped right back on my body.) Levi and Lucia 
love the morning snuggle in our bed and as bony as Levi is, he is really a fantastic 
cuddler.  He shapes himself to you, wraps his little arms around your body and 
manages to not breathe in your face. Meanwhile, Lucia’s warmth and chush factor 
make her irresistible on a cold morning.

Right now Lucia is twirling a rope, “Mom, look at my rope skills.”  Just yesterday 
she was teaching a “cowgirl class” to invisible pupils because, you know,  
cowgirling is her expertise.  

Ana is so aware of everything that happens.  When a babysitter came to visit, 
Ana ran down what to do when the kids don’t want to listen (just withhold something 
they want, like TV, until they get their jammies on) and she explained all of Levi’s 
allergies and what to do if he ate something he’s not supposed to.  When we’ve 
lost our patience with one of the kids, she jumps in and calms that kid down by 
offering a distraction and redirecting them.

But those moments are nestled within many moments of, “But I don’t want to!” 
“I’m not going to eat that, it’s disgusting!” and “I’m Vampirina!” “No, I’m Vampirina!”  
They are punctuated by crying for no discernable reason, laying down on the 
floor in the public restroom when your hands are full helping another child and 
chomping down on the toothbrush as you are doing the final brush.

Our Christmas snapshot is just that, a snapshot of us and our reality right now.  
Things are changing, and they’re changing fast, but I am really loving this part 
right now; picture perfect or not.