Bringing Home Souvenirs

On a recent retreat, I sat soaking it all in.  I was trying to imagine how I could bring home some serenity and calm to our chaos. Being away from my husband, children and some technology has given me the opportunity to really think.

I see people, including myself, buying souvenirs or searching of the perfect piece of this place to bring home with them.  What I realized is that we are all trying to recreate the best parts of this experience for ourselves and our loved ones at home.  

For me, the one thing I want to bring home is peace.  So far I haven’t found that in any souvenir shop!  In the peace I have found here, I can think more clearly.  I can see Jeff’s side more easily.  I can be more friendly and more easy-going.

But the problem is that once I get home, I’ll be dropped right into chaos.  In the chaos, Jeff and I struggle to see each other as we were when we fell in love.  In the chaos, I struggle to be fully present with my children as they speed toward full-grown status.  I struggle to find space and time to nourish my soul with quiet, reading and writing.  I can't see the beautiful things around me every day.

Although peace itself is difficult take with me, there are a few habits I can bring home as souvenirs to try to bring back that peace to my life.

1. Dramatically less time on my phone.  Being fully disconnected for a large chunk of time helped me remember how to be bored and helped me to see new things and really THINK about everything going on.  
2. Sitting.  I need to find a quiet time and place to sit with myself.  Maybe it won’t be like it was before kids; in the morning in the dark, but maybe it’s before bed when all are sleeping.  Maybe it’s in my bedroom instead of the living room.  Maybe it’s in the backyard or in the garage.  
3. Being more spontaneous and less pushy.  It doesn’t always have to be my way.  If i can just relax my expectations and be less rigid in my desires, maybe I will enjoy myself more and everyone will be happier.
4. Doing less.  When forced to do less, one realizes how liberating it is.  It’s more time to shed “obligations” and do what is most beneficial for us instead of what we “have to” do.
5. Live more simply.  Experiencing this relaxation has me wanting to share it with my family.  The only way to do that is to cut way back on spending and try to save.  This means fewer nights of takeout, fewer new outfits, fewer new toys… and just generally making space for calm in our home.  Also, bringing such a small bag helped remind me of how little I actually need on a daily basis.  Clearing out the excess will help create more calm in our lives.  It’s time to get back to basics.
   
   

Of course, there are a few things I'm ready to leave behind: rich foods, being away from my kids and missing jeff, but I’m hoping I return rejuvenated and ready to make positive changes for our family.  

Five Things I Learned from Potty Training

     We chose to end the summer with potty training Levi.  As a teacher of eighth graders for thirteen years, I’ve learned that often, when teaching someone else, the teacher is often doing much of the learning.  The same was true as we taught Levi to use the potty on his own.

We use the Three Day Potty Training method.  I’m pretty sure that the basic tenets of this method are similar to others (but we have only used this method, so I can’t speak to other methods).

Having taught middle school for so long, I’ve gone through periods of feeling jaded and disappointed, frustrated and flat-out angry.  Potty training gave me a reminder that there are some things I’ve forgotten about what it really means to teach with love.  So far this year, I’ve been trying to implement those strategies in my own classroom.

1. Jump in!

In this method, you choose a day and go straight to undies - no net!  Upon starting potty training, there are no diapers, only underwear!  Kids have to learn what it is like when they pee (or poo) in their new situation - clothes with no diaper!

The same is true for when you teach others.  You have to prepare them for the real deal!  In addition to helping them learn the concept with your help, you have to give them a real-life type situation to try - with no safety net!   For most teachers, this means giving the students a test or a real chance at the task with no help.  Sometimes they need to feel the failure to see that they need to learn to get better.

Fully potty trained and picking pumpkins!

2. Focus on the kid for success: LISTEN!

One of the most important parts of this method is paying attention to the potty trainee.  There are no distractions, no phone, no e-mail, no work, no chores.  Your sole focus is on the trainee and watching and listening for signs that he or she needs to potty. Ultimately, you want to get to the point of anticipating their need to potty and get them to the potty in time to actually do the deed on the potty (showing them where they are supposed to go).

      In any teaching situation you have to go in with no distractions and be really present with your students.  You have to be watching them to see when they are showing signs of being ready to learn the next thing.  And you need to be ready with that next thing!

3. Be Encouraging, Not Angry!

Given the fact that kids are jumping in with no diaper and are just learning the concept of going pee in the potty and not in their pants, there will be MANY accidents.  Many.  Many.  Many. Accidents.  It will be SO frustrating.  You will be frustrated with yourself and with your kid.  But if you get angry, the trainee gets scared, and doesn’t want to participate in the pottying.  Or at least not in the way you want them to.  They get discouraged, you get discouraged and no one can learn in that situation.

Anger in teaching never works.  If you feel like you are just a disappointment to your teacher, that often leads to anger, not a willingness to try harder.  Anger on both sides often leads to resistance to something new.  This is where patience, which is so hard to find, really pays off.  If you can give your student a kind or encouraging word instead of expressing your frustration, they can sense that you really believe in them.  This is my MOST challenging lesson to learn.  The person you are working with doesn’t know what has happened in the rest of your day and they may not care.  But if you are going to help that student be successful, you have to dig deep to find a way to be positive.  If it gets too frustrating, change it up.  Take a break, go outside or give a chance to do something creative and fun.

4. Trust that it will happen

With Levi, I was SO frustrated.  I couldn’t believe that this method worked for Ana given how terribly it was going with Levi.  Thankfully, we had a surprise visit from a friend who remembered this method much more than I did.  She reminded me that I was skipping over some important parts.  What I needed was to go back and review the basics.  Was I focusing on him?  Was I really listening? Was I being encouraging? It turned out I wasn’t really focusing on him.  As a result, he wasn’t getting the support and assistance he needed to learn.  Once I started to focus on him and remind him to tell me he had to potty, things started to work!  I needed to be consistent, be repetitive, and include all of the basics necessary for learning.  I hadn’t been doing that.  

People naturally want to learn.  We have to trust that. Learners of all kinds want to be challenged and rise to the occasion.  It means that you have to pick a learning target that is attainable, but also that you see the learner in them.  The don’t want to fail and they may not want to ask for help, but your job is to see where they are and figure out what the next step is.  When you are consistent with this, you have to trust that the process will work and that at some point, it will “click.”

5. Don’t Give Up

With potty training, consistency is key.  You have to repeat, encourage, remind, repeat, stay focused for three days (and beyond).  Even when it’s tough, you have to stick with it.  It gets confusing for kids when you go back and forth between diapers and underwear.  Commit to teaching them, go for it and stick with it.  You’re teaching them what it mean to be persistent with your actions - which is so much stronger than your words.  

There are so many situations where you may be an unintentional teacher: our friendships, your marriage, parenting, or helping someone else learn something.  If you are committed to helping and if the learner is also committed, you can’t give up!  You may need to take a step back and regain our perspective, but go back to it and show that person that you are committed to them and their learning.  It may mean that you go back time and again with different strategies, but don’t give up!

Working with Levi in this situation really gave me the chance to learn what it means to teach with love.  I certainly haven’t mastered it, but I’m definitely trying to keep it in mind as the school year progresses!

It's been awhile!

It’s been awhile.  

I committed to myself to post one blog per month for the year of 2015.  So far, I’ve been fairly successful.  At this point, though, I have skipped at least two months (unless I publish today!).

The thing is, life is just overwhelming.

At first, it was overwhelming to be home with the kids during summer.  It was all about good times: keeping everyone alive, socializing more and going to bed as soon as they’re asleep.  Every day was mentally exhausting and by the time I could write, I was too tired to think, let alone write.  

But now life is overwhelming because I’m back at work.  It’s everything that a full-time job entails plus coming home and doing my normal care-taking plus preparing for the next day.  The level of organization (and just plain old remembering) that is needed is draining.  Often times my evening is a constant stream of questions in my mind: Do the babies have enough oat milk in storage to take to daycare? Are the kids’ clothes packed for the next day Did I make my breakfast? What will I take for lunch? Did Ana get her bedtime snack?  Is she even dressed for bed? Where is she anyway?

As the kids get older and the baby haze continues to fade, things are both getting easier and staying difficult.  Although I’m not changing as many diapers, I am rushing kids to the potty.  Although I’m not pumping or breastfeeding, they are asking for a snack or another cup of milk.  And even though they can walk, now I’m breaking up fights over toys.  Things are easier in some ways, but the challenges are different.

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s all wonderful.  But it’s also so much, and that’s why you haven’t heard from me.

The Unfortunate Thing About Being a Spouse

     There is one very unfortunate thing about being a spouse.  It also happens to be the very best thing.  When you marry someone, you get all of them.

     You get the wonderful things that your spouse bring also: partnership, friendship, companionship, security, etc.  You have someone to celebrate with, vent to, laugh and cry with.  You have someone who knows you and understands why you are happy, sad, excited or frustrated.  They know your story and they help you make it the story you want it to be. 

     On the other hand, you get ALL of your spouse.  You get all of their irritating habits, their cleanliness/messiness, the baggage they bring from their childhood or past relationships, their honesty and their bad or cranky attitudes. And sometimes, that's very unfortunate. :-)

(By the way, I am also speaking about myself as a spouse.)

Ear tubes and Race

     The other day, I took Levi to see a specialist because of his hearing issues.  As a result, she suggested that he have tubes put in his ears. Now, this is all very routine and kids get these all the time.  She described the process and that he would be under general anesthesia for a short period of time.  

General anesthesia freaks me out.  Any procedure on my kids freaks me out.  

So she asked if I had questions, of course I had questions about the safety of the general anesthesia but as I was trying to ask the question, I started to choke up and my eyes started to well a little with tears.  

I felt so silly.  My son is going to go under general anesthesia for less than a half hour and I’m crying over it.  

So what does this have to do with race?

My son is in a small bit of predictable and somewhat controlled danger because he has fluid in his ear.  I, as a mother, am concerned for his safety.   However, there are many mothers out there who are concerned daily for their sons’ safety but it’s from an unpredictable and uncontrolled danger.  And their sons are at risk for no other reason that the fact that they may look a certain way.

My children have the privilege (as I do) of looking Caucasian.  I don’t say that in a proud way, but what I mean is that by luck, I have one less thing to worry about for them - especially for my son.  

It seems that increasingly, being a man of color in our country puts one at a higher risk for being the target of many dangerous acts.  These acts may be done by peers, by authority figures or by those who are charged with keeping everyone safe.  Sometimes the danger is not obvious - it could be that you get one less chance than others who act the same way.  It could be that people look down on you for doing something that others of different races do but, because of how you look, you are labeled differently.  It could be that people feel fear by your presence alone.

I cannot imagine what it’s like to be a mother who is in fear of her son’s safety on a daily basis as he goes about his normal, harmless life.  My friend, Kim, posted this earlier in the week.  The things that these men were doing when they ultimately met their death are shocking.  They’re not shocking because you would expect someone to die from those things, but they are shocking for the exact opposite reason.  You would never expect that you would be killed for selling cigarettes.  You’d never expect to be killed for going to Bible study at a primarily African American church.  You’d never expect to be killed for holding a toy gun in a store.  You’d never expect to be killed walking in a stairwell or playing outside.  

When I hear about these things happening and imagine what it would be like to be a mother on the receiving end of news that her son has died at the hands of another person, especially in these situations, I could not imagine the pain.  I’m crying over anesthesia for ten minutes.  What pain must they feel?

Just because my kids are "safe" that doesn't make this an acceptable situation.  

I do not have the answers.  I’m not sure what to do.  But I’m open.  It seems we have a problem as a country, but who will help us find a solution?  Is it for us to stumble upon independently?  Will someone to lead us?  Who will that be?  How do people not perceived to be “of color” participate?  How will that participation be seen?  

It seems there is a lot of work to do for us all.  I’m not sure what that work is or what it looks like, but I hope that no matter where we stand in all of it,  person of color or not, that we recognize that we all have a part to play if all people are to be treated with love and fairness.  

I know for me, the work starts with being informed, being aware, and praying.  I hope you’ll do the same.

Summer Prep - Crockpot Style

Summer is upon us.  For some, that means bikini shopping and extra workouts.  For me, it means researching and meal prepping.  

I love a warm meal at night even if it’s hot out.  The crockpot makes that so easy. The crockpot I use most gives off no exterior heat and I pretty much never have to turn on the oven.

Here’s what’s on tap for me to prep this weekend and for us to eat this summer.  

Here’s my plan, well, it’s the spreadsheet of my plan.  If you have this this cookbook, you can meal prep with me!

I can’t wait to try these recipes.

The Agony and Ecstasy of Summer

That most dreaded and delicious time is upon us at the Ludlum house: summer time.

I became a teacher so that I would always have time off with my kids.  I’d never have to fight my employer to get Christmas, weekends or summer time off.

But now it’s here.  In the anticipation of all of the fun of summer, I am thrilled.  But I also know what’s on the other side of that anticipation - the torture of being home with my kids.  

With less adult interaction and more constant demands to break up fights, encourage sharing, feed the children and tell them what to do or not do - summer becomes a beast of a time.  

I miss adults.  I miss having time to myself that is uninterrupted.  When summer comes, I have all this time on my hands and many of my friends are working.  They can’t do play dates or late drinks.  

I am starved for conversation, but when Jeff comes home, I’m grumpy and I want to get away.

I keep telling myself that I feel this way every year; simultaneously excited and dreading.  I’m trying to prepare myself for the inevitable dive my attitude will take.  I’ll try to get ready for the spike in loneliness and sensitivity.  But I’m not sure it will help.  

I’m trying to get all my resources lined up in advance.  I’m making a schedule, committing to daycare once a week, prepping my crockpot meals (check it out here) and planning on hiring a mother’s helper.  And even with all of that, I’m a little scared.  

My fear shows up in odd places. It’s in forgetting to get dinner started and having to get take-out (darn).  Or trying to find extra time away from my family to go out to dinner or have drinks with a friend. It shows up in my general attitude of being checked out; not communicating with Jeff and feeling less caring at work as odd student behavior increases and my patience decreases.  

Surviving this time may just be about waiting out that transition period in the first couple of weeks as we find our groove and get settled in.  And maybe that's what's required for any change; waiting out the adjustment period and giving the change a chance.

Whatever the case, summer is upon us!  Pray for me (and us)!