It's been awhile!

It’s been awhile.  

I committed to myself to post one blog per month for the year of 2015.  So far, I’ve been fairly successful.  At this point, though, I have skipped at least two months (unless I publish today!).

The thing is, life is just overwhelming.

At first, it was overwhelming to be home with the kids during summer.  It was all about good times: keeping everyone alive, socializing more and going to bed as soon as they’re asleep.  Every day was mentally exhausting and by the time I could write, I was too tired to think, let alone write.  

But now life is overwhelming because I’m back at work.  It’s everything that a full-time job entails plus coming home and doing my normal care-taking plus preparing for the next day.  The level of organization (and just plain old remembering) that is needed is draining.  Often times my evening is a constant stream of questions in my mind: Do the babies have enough oat milk in storage to take to daycare? Are the kids’ clothes packed for the next day Did I make my breakfast? What will I take for lunch? Did Ana get her bedtime snack?  Is she even dressed for bed? Where is she anyway?

As the kids get older and the baby haze continues to fade, things are both getting easier and staying difficult.  Although I’m not changing as many diapers, I am rushing kids to the potty.  Although I’m not pumping or breastfeeding, they are asking for a snack or another cup of milk.  And even though they can walk, now I’m breaking up fights over toys.  Things are easier in some ways, but the challenges are different.

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s all wonderful.  But it’s also so much, and that’s why you haven’t heard from me.

The Unfortunate Thing About Being a Spouse

     There is one very unfortunate thing about being a spouse.  It also happens to be the very best thing.  When you marry someone, you get all of them.

     You get the wonderful things that your spouse bring also: partnership, friendship, companionship, security, etc.  You have someone to celebrate with, vent to, laugh and cry with.  You have someone who knows you and understands why you are happy, sad, excited or frustrated.  They know your story and they help you make it the story you want it to be. 

     On the other hand, you get ALL of your spouse.  You get all of their irritating habits, their cleanliness/messiness, the baggage they bring from their childhood or past relationships, their honesty and their bad or cranky attitudes. And sometimes, that's very unfortunate. :-)

(By the way, I am also speaking about myself as a spouse.)

Ear tubes and Race

     The other day, I took Levi to see a specialist because of his hearing issues.  As a result, she suggested that he have tubes put in his ears. Now, this is all very routine and kids get these all the time.  She described the process and that he would be under general anesthesia for a short period of time.  

General anesthesia freaks me out.  Any procedure on my kids freaks me out.  

So she asked if I had questions, of course I had questions about the safety of the general anesthesia but as I was trying to ask the question, I started to choke up and my eyes started to well a little with tears.  

I felt so silly.  My son is going to go under general anesthesia for less than a half hour and I’m crying over it.  

So what does this have to do with race?

My son is in a small bit of predictable and somewhat controlled danger because he has fluid in his ear.  I, as a mother, am concerned for his safety.   However, there are many mothers out there who are concerned daily for their sons’ safety but it’s from an unpredictable and uncontrolled danger.  And their sons are at risk for no other reason that the fact that they may look a certain way.

My children have the privilege (as I do) of looking Caucasian.  I don’t say that in a proud way, but what I mean is that by luck, I have one less thing to worry about for them - especially for my son.  

It seems that increasingly, being a man of color in our country puts one at a higher risk for being the target of many dangerous acts.  These acts may be done by peers, by authority figures or by those who are charged with keeping everyone safe.  Sometimes the danger is not obvious - it could be that you get one less chance than others who act the same way.  It could be that people look down on you for doing something that others of different races do but, because of how you look, you are labeled differently.  It could be that people feel fear by your presence alone.

I cannot imagine what it’s like to be a mother who is in fear of her son’s safety on a daily basis as he goes about his normal, harmless life.  My friend, Kim, posted this earlier in the week.  The things that these men were doing when they ultimately met their death are shocking.  They’re not shocking because you would expect someone to die from those things, but they are shocking for the exact opposite reason.  You would never expect that you would be killed for selling cigarettes.  You’d never expect to be killed for going to Bible study at a primarily African American church.  You’d never expect to be killed for holding a toy gun in a store.  You’d never expect to be killed walking in a stairwell or playing outside.  

When I hear about these things happening and imagine what it would be like to be a mother on the receiving end of news that her son has died at the hands of another person, especially in these situations, I could not imagine the pain.  I’m crying over anesthesia for ten minutes.  What pain must they feel?

Just because my kids are "safe" that doesn't make this an acceptable situation.  

I do not have the answers.  I’m not sure what to do.  But I’m open.  It seems we have a problem as a country, but who will help us find a solution?  Is it for us to stumble upon independently?  Will someone to lead us?  Who will that be?  How do people not perceived to be “of color” participate?  How will that participation be seen?  

It seems there is a lot of work to do for us all.  I’m not sure what that work is or what it looks like, but I hope that no matter where we stand in all of it,  person of color or not, that we recognize that we all have a part to play if all people are to be treated with love and fairness.  

I know for me, the work starts with being informed, being aware, and praying.  I hope you’ll do the same.

Summer Prep - Crockpot Style

Summer is upon us.  For some, that means bikini shopping and extra workouts.  For me, it means researching and meal prepping.  

I love a warm meal at night even if it’s hot out.  The crockpot makes that so easy. The crockpot I use most gives off no exterior heat and I pretty much never have to turn on the oven.

Here’s what’s on tap for me to prep this weekend and for us to eat this summer.  

Here’s my plan, well, it’s the spreadsheet of my plan.  If you have this this cookbook, you can meal prep with me!

I can’t wait to try these recipes.

The Agony and Ecstasy of Summer

That most dreaded and delicious time is upon us at the Ludlum house: summer time.

I became a teacher so that I would always have time off with my kids.  I’d never have to fight my employer to get Christmas, weekends or summer time off.

But now it’s here.  In the anticipation of all of the fun of summer, I am thrilled.  But I also know what’s on the other side of that anticipation - the torture of being home with my kids.  

With less adult interaction and more constant demands to break up fights, encourage sharing, feed the children and tell them what to do or not do - summer becomes a beast of a time.  

I miss adults.  I miss having time to myself that is uninterrupted.  When summer comes, I have all this time on my hands and many of my friends are working.  They can’t do play dates or late drinks.  

I am starved for conversation, but when Jeff comes home, I’m grumpy and I want to get away.

I keep telling myself that I feel this way every year; simultaneously excited and dreading.  I’m trying to prepare myself for the inevitable dive my attitude will take.  I’ll try to get ready for the spike in loneliness and sensitivity.  But I’m not sure it will help.  

I’m trying to get all my resources lined up in advance.  I’m making a schedule, committing to daycare once a week, prepping my crockpot meals (check it out here) and planning on hiring a mother’s helper.  And even with all of that, I’m a little scared.  

My fear shows up in odd places. It’s in forgetting to get dinner started and having to get take-out (darn).  Or trying to find extra time away from my family to go out to dinner or have drinks with a friend. It shows up in my general attitude of being checked out; not communicating with Jeff and feeling less caring at work as odd student behavior increases and my patience decreases.  

Surviving this time may just be about waiting out that transition period in the first couple of weeks as we find our groove and get settled in.  And maybe that's what's required for any change; waiting out the adjustment period and giving the change a chance.

Whatever the case, summer is upon us!  Pray for me (and us)!

Marriage is like home (ownership)

After watching Once, a pretty amazing musical about love and being in love, it got me thinking about that “in love” feeling.  

As a person married for six years and in a relationship with J for almost 10 years, I was thinking about the fact that I am likely to never have that prolonged “in love” feeling ever again.  I don’t say that in a sad or hopeless way, but that’s my life.  I plan to only be married to J.  With that being the reality, our “in love” time has passed and we are fully in the “committed love” part of our life.  

I love those movies or books or musicals that help you recapture a glimpse of that “in love” feeling because the plot or acting or music is so good.  As much as I love the reminder of that time in my life, I don’t feel a need to chase that elusive feeling.  I’m not sure I’m even capable of it.  That “in love” feeling happens at a time of vulnerability and risk in a relationship.  You don’t know each other as well and there is the chance to cut and run if it doesn’t suit you.   

I really like being married.  I think of committed, married love as a home. It’s the place where you can be yourself when you’re feeling ugly, sad or otherwise less-than-presentable.  Your home is where you go to heal when things at work or with friends get complicated or overwhelming. It is also reliable. You can count on it being there and it always catches you when you stumble.  When you get home, you can throw down your burdens and just be.  When you think about home in an abstract way, it is this amazing, dreamy thing.  But when you think about what home is in reality, it’s work.  Marriage is like a home, but it is also like home ownership.  

The first and most important part of marriage (or home ownership) is making the right selection.  You have to pick the person (home) that works for what you want in life.  If you want a yard for kids to play in, you might not want to pick a town home with no playspace.  If you want a family, you may not want to marry someone who is on the fence about kids.  If you don’t want to do all of the housework on your own, you must marry someone who believes that housework is a shared responsibility.  You get the idea.   I was lucky enough to find someone that is not only committed to marriage, but is committed to me.  The most critical part of that is that we always seem to be looking in the same direction toward the same goals based on our shared values and priorities.  

So, once you’ve selected your dream home, you go for it!  You fill out all the paperwork you get everything together and then you wait for that special day when you actually own your home!  When you buy a home or get married, you have accomplished something.  You put all of this effort and dreaming and saving into this thing that you have waited for and finally you have it!  You sign the papers and now it’s time to make your house into a home.  You decorate, build and create the foundation for your future.  In marriage, this might look like doing fun things together: going on dates or trying new things together to build or enhance your connection with each other. It’s that newlywed time when things are all beautiful and shiny and new.  Everything is a fun adventure together and you’re just getting used to that idea of being a wife or husband.

As time passes, though, your home and marriage need a little work.  This is where things can fall apart.  In the past, when you were renting, you could get by calling in the manager to fix things or letting something broken go longer than it should, but now this is your home, you must take care of the small problems on your own.  You also need to take care of them right away before they become bigger problems.  The same thing is true for marriage.  One thing that is easy to take for granted is that your partner will always be there.  When we get into this space, it’s like reverting to being single.  Your spouse is there and you are living in the same area, but marriage has to be more than that.  You must stay connected to create intimacy.  I’m not talking about bedroom intimacy, but it’s related.  It’s that way of being on the same page and knowing about what each other is excited about, sad about, worried about, etc.  

When you live in the same place, it’s so easy to just drift about in your lives and treat home as a sanctuary for yourself alone, but really, you are also part of each others’ sanctuary.  Rather than turning on the TV and turning your brain off, this may mean having a conversation about that work thing your spouse is working on.  Or it means making sure to go on a date together without your phones so you can actually talk.  When you forget to do these little things, they become big problems.  A lack of connection (through small conversations and intimacy each day) becomes a blow-up if your spouse asks to go to a baseball game with a friend.  Now, you’re in conflict, but it’s not really about going to the game, it’s about communication or connectedness - a bigger problem.  Had the problem been addressed by having small conversations along the way, the bigger problem may have never become a problem.  

As kids start to enter the picture, though doing the daily, weekly and monthly maintenance to your marriage gets more difficult.  Whereas you could build intimacy through simple things, like having a complete, unrushed conversation, kids make those things very difficult.  Now, rather than going on a date once a week, you are lucky to get out once a month.  When you used to be able to discuss life over long, lingering dinners, now you can barely discuss the logistics of giving the kids a bath.  

Since even the most basic maintenance is difficult to get, you really have to plan and make it a priority.  Doing the regular maintenance for your marriage was hard enough and now it feels almost impossible.  But money and babysitting cannot be your excuse for letting your marriage maintenance go.  I am inspired by this post and this post from one of my favorite bloggers about how she and her husband find time to connect without much money or time.   Having kids has enhanced my need for connection with J.  There are so many more opportunities for conflict, but when we are connected, I have more patience and understanding when we hit those obstacles.  When I get snappy,  I think about our connection.  Is it strong?  Am I listening to him?  Is he hearing me?  When did we last get out together?

As you do all the work, you become more invested in your home.  The home matters not just because you have it and it’s of value on it’s own but because you are putting yourself into it through your labor and time.  As the newness fades away, something else replaces it and it’s not just familiarity, it’s comfort and it’s the strong foundation for your marriage’s future. All of the work you put in pays off as your marriage carries you through the rough patches in life just as all the repairs you make create a solid home that you can return to each day. But it’s HARD!  Every day you are responsible for doing so much work!  You work for your job, your literal home and then you add on top of it the work needed to keep your marriage healthy. It can be overwhelming!  But it can also be rewarding.

As I progress through life, I find that the most difficult work often creates the best product.  This has been true for birth, motherhood, teaching and especially marriage.  J and I keep maintaining our home together.  I am pretty lucky to be with someone as committed to maintaining as I am.  But then again, that’s marriage!

On feeling imperfect

     I have these friends. They are pretty amazing. By pretty amazing, I actually mean spectacularly amazing.

    One of them is pretty much the strongest woman I know.  She mothers her two autistic sons aged 16 and 22.  Her older son is non-verbal and has struggled with a variety of other health issues. Her younger son is as sweet and smart and funny as can be and loves music.  He asks a lot of questions.  When he’s in the moment with you, you could easily be in constant conversation with him.  She spends her days devoted to their health and well-being.  It is a BIG job that involves lots of self-sacrifice.  

    Another woman I know is one of the boldest people I know.  She has the power of spoken word.  She is a preacher and a leader.  A real leader.  She can take a group of people and convince them that they should do what she needs - which is really what her congregation or church needs.  She is young in her profession and has been entrusted to try a multi-million dollar experiment - she’s that good.

    There’s also this man.  He has this amazing patience and unending abyss of forgiveness.  He sees all perspectives and accepts all personalities.  He can connect with anyone and get them to like him - without being too personal and without giving away anything he doesn’t want to.  His smile is easy and he’s handsome to boot.  

    I also have this friend who has many powers.  She can cook (well) and has this amazing sparkling personality that draws in everyone.  I have never heard her say a negative thing about anyone, yet she always has plenty of conversation and makes you feel heard and wanted and important.  She never judges and can take a head of cabbage, garlic and rice and find a way to make a gourmet meal out of it.  It doesn’t even stop there.  She and her husband seem to adore each other after over a decade of marriage and they live in this perfect tiny house - a reminder of what simple living looks like.  

    This all sounds pretty great.  And I am really lucky to have all of these people in my life.  I could certainly go on and on, but that’s not really my point.

    On any given day with any one of these individuals, I could spend time with them really enjoying myself.  While I’m with them I’m on a high that accompanies good conversation and fun events, but sometimes when I walk away I feel disappointed in myself.  Why am I not that?  Why am I not better at teaching or being friendly or cooking or leading or parenting?

 

    Lately my life has been full of questioning and doubt.  What is it that I am?  Could I be better? What are my strengths?  Do I have what it takes to be good at teaching? Parenting? Friendship? Relationships?  I may think I am a certain something, but what do others think?  

    The words “comparison is the thief of joy” are attributed to Theodore Roosevelt.  When I get into this funk, I try to remember that.  By comparing myself to someone different from me and feeling envious, I am cheating myself out of the joy of the life that I have and the person I am - imperfections and all!  

And then I think about my kids.  Obviously, I think they’re perfect because they are my kids, but as humans, they are not perfect.  And yet they are just as they should be.  I would never want any of them to wish they were something else.  Sweet A is the best Sweet A there is.  Big L is the best at being Big L.  Little L is just right as Little L.  I would never want them to wish they looked different, had different personalities or were smarter, more social, etc.  I want them to be happy being themselves with whatever strengths and weaknesses they have.  What I need to learn from this mothering perch is that  I have to trust that I do have something to offer. It may be small and it may be to a small number of people and I may never know what it is, but I have to just go with it because that’s life!  

    Of course, I can always be better and I always want to try to be better, but I have to remind myself that I am enough.  It’s so hard, but it’s what I want my kids to believe about themselves and in order to teach them that, I need to believe it about myself.  What a tough task!